I was late. My period was supposed to have come two weeks ago, but I'd yet to wake up with blood running down my legs. My heart skipped a beat when I thought of what that meant. Anticipation hung in the air throughout the house. James' gaze clung to me wherever I went. Sometimes his hands did too, when nobody was around. Mrs. Cole actually smiled over her breakfast this morning. Commander Cole nodded approvingly in my direction. Today I was scheduled to visit the doctor.
A new Ofmilton had been assigned, today was her second day, Maria had informed me. A part of my heart broke. I knew that Ofmilton would get sent back to the Red Center after the stillbirth, but not even knowing her name anymore was a stab in the gut.
The sun was shining bright, leaves were beginning to change into their Autumn hues, and a cool breeze whispered through the air as I waited by the Thorpe's' gates for the new Ofmilton.
"Blessed be the fruit," I greeted.
"May the Lord open," came the customary response.
I halted my step. I knew that voice. I whirled around, pulling Ofmilton into a tight embrace. No, not Ofmilton, Jade.
She started at first, but relaxed after a moment's hesitation. "Lucy, is that you?" She asked.
Lucy. I hadn't heard that name in a long time. In a lifetime. I'd ceased to even think of myself as having a name.
"Yes," I said. "Yes it's me. I can't believe you're here! Praise be!"
"Praise be, she echoed.
The two miles to the shops passed in a blur of conversation. I told her all that had passed since we'd parted and she filled me in about the Red Center. She broke into a grin when I gave her the news of my possible condition.
"At your first assignment too!" She marveled.
After shopping and lunch, I met her again, this time for the monthly doctor's visit. I eagerly climbed onto the crinkly paper, put my feet into the stirrups, and waited.
The doctor didn't say anything, but that was to be expected. Sometimes they did speak, but the comments crude enough to make me squirm didn't require a response.
He didn't tell me to put my clothes back on after he'd finished. He stayed in the room until the blood test results came back.
I heard the rustling of paper from the other side of the curtain. My heart pounded in my chest. I held my breath in anticipation.
"It looks like congratulations are in order." He said. "You're pregnant."
More beautiful words had never been spoken. "Really?"
"Yes, really," he confirmed. "It's still early, but you are definitely pregnant. Don't overexert yourself, and be sure to eat plenty. I'll put the prenatal vitamins over here for you. Take one each morning. Do you have any questions?"
I didn't. The door shutting signaled I was alone once more. Well, not quite alone. I placed a hand gingerly over my stomach. Pregnant. A part of me whispered it was James' baby, but I pushed that aside. This was my baby, no one else's.
"I'll protect you, little one." I whispered. I only wished that I could.
I walked back to the mansion with newfound confidence. I truly was fertile. I was pregnant. Mrs. Cole's beatings would stop once she knew and so would the Ceremonies. For the first time in my life, I had power. I just needed to find a way to use it. I decided not to tell anyone just yet. I couldn't afford to waste such valuable information. My body, this baby, they were tools. Jade had questioned me after the appointment, but I didn't give the power of certainty even to her. I merely smiled unseen beneath my wings.
Connor was sitting beneath the apple tree beneath my bedroom window, munching on one of the apples that had dropped. He hadn't seen me yet. My heart jolted at the sight of him. The wicker basket tumbled from my hands, precious eggs splattering on the sidewalk. What was he doing here? If anyone saw him, they'd kill him. I quickly scanned the area for witnesses, but found none.
"Connor, get out of here, it's not safe!" I urged.
He looked up at me, smiling warmly. I hadn't realized I'd been walking towards him. His sea green eyes glimmered with ease and the light shone off his blond curls.
"Luce, I didn't see you there. Come, sit with me." He patted the grass beside him. Why was he so at ease? What was he thinking?
I obeyed for some reason unknown even to me. I couldn't dare to be caught with him or we'd both be killed. His arm draped across my shoulder. That crooked smile, the one that had meant he'd slipped a note into my bag or left a paper flower on my desk, didn't falter as he picked another apple off the ground and offered it to me.
"It's been such a long time, I thought you were dead?" I asked, ignoring the apple.
He set it aside, tilting his head slightly. "What are you talking about?"
"What do you mean 'what am I talking about'? The car crash! We were going to Canada, but Josh tipped off the Eyes, remember how they shot out the tires? Your head was split open, there was blood everywhere. Don't you remember?" I demanded, panic bubbling in my chest.
"I didn't die. There wasn't a crash, Luce." He said coldly. "You left me, you chose this." He gestured at my wings and dress.
"No," I shook my head vehemently. "No, I didn't choose this. They kidnapped me, they raped me, I'd never betray you, Connor. I'd never-"
"Liar!" He slapped me. Blood trickled down my cheek. "You should've married me, Luce. None of this would've happened if you'd married me instead of waiting. You slept with other men, you carry another man's baby. You betrayed me."
His eyes glowed with cold hatred. Tears clouded my vision. He'd been the one who wanted us to wait. He didn't want to marry a child. He hadn't even loved me as I'd loved him. He'd been my brother Josh's best friend, he'd protected me from marriage with an engagement. How could he say such things now?
I wiped my eyes, and forced myself to look at him once more. I screamed. The side of his head was caved in, like a rotten pumpkin. Blood poured down his face, staining his torso scarlet. His hair was matted with it. More blood than I'd thought could fit in a human body. His one eye stared sightlessly at me, the other hung from its socket. Broken teeth glistened where his cheek should be.
I scrambled backwards, but I slipped on blood.
"You…betrayed…me." His mangled mouth whispered.
I shot up in bed, panting. My heart pounded in my chest, trying desperately to escape. Connor. I hadn't dreamt of him since the accident. Why did I now? Was he truly angry at me? I had betrayed him. I could have-should have-chosen the Colonies. They had let me choose at the Red Center. But I had been a coward, the images of women with missing noses and fingers, teeth visible through rotting cheeks were too much to bear. I'd failed him.
I clutched my stomach as it revolted at the images flashing through my mind. Air. I needed air. I threw open the window as far as it would go. I'd never felt so caged in as when those bars prevented me from throwing myself out it. A cool breeze brushed against my clammy skin. I sucked it down greedily. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I was able to make out an apple, plump on the branch just beyond reach.
I needed that apple. I thrust my shoulder against the bars so hard it ached. I could almost reach it, almost. I nearly dropped it as it fell into my hand. It just barely fit through the bars. I eagerly bit into it. I moaned with relief as its sweetness burst in my mouth, juice dribbling down my chin. It was the best apple I'd ever tasted for the relief it gave. I calmed down as I munched on it. We'd been married, legally speaking. I had reached menarche before The Republic of Gilead formed and my father was a diehard believer, he wouldn't allow a single egg to go to waste. I was lucky Connor decided not to consummate until I was an adult and only if I wanted. Between ourselves, we weren't married even if the law said so. My younger sister, Ruth, her name had been, wasn't as lucky.
I guess we weren't exactly lucky either. Abstaining is what put him in the grave and me in red.
I shook my head. I should know better than to treat dreams as prophecies. I'd forget this dream, I told myself. But as I climbed back into my sweaty sheets, I couldn't shake the cold, slimy feeling in my heart.
I was summoned to breakfast the next morning with unprecedented enthusiasm. Commander Cole smiled warmly at me instead of being caught up in his files. Mrs. Cole wasn't scowling, a first. I waited for breakfast to be over before making my move.
"Commander Cole, Mrs. Cole, I have news." I began. Three sets of eyes locked on me. Maria appeared not to be so much as breathing.
"Go on, girl," Commander Cole said, waving a hand.
"I'm pregnant."
The room exploded with voices. Mrs. Cole burst into ecstatic tears, nearly tackling me in her enthusiastic embrace. Maria exclaimed loudly, drawing Anne and James into the room with the commotion. More explanations and cheers. Questions came from a million different directions. Commander Cole alone stood quiet, a strange look in his eyes. Soon, my own were clouded with tears of joy. I was useful. I was loved. I was blessed by God. I was pregnant. Aunt Claire would be proud. The bubble of joy burst when James embraced me, whispering "I told you I was doing you a favor."