I was late again. I should've had my period two weeks ago, but despite some spotting, Satan's waterfall had yet to arrive. Maria and I exchanged cautious smiles, and Anne had been giving me larger portions at mealtimes, but we were all too afraid to mention it. There was a chance that my periods hadn't returned to normal after the miscarriage, I could just be late, or maybe even if I was pregnant again, I would lose this baby too. The Commander and his wife didn't so much as look at me, but Mrs. Cole's fingers set to tapping loudly whenever I entered the room.
A black van parked before the house. Two men in all black carrying rifles knocked on the door. Maria hurried to open it.
"We have orders to collect the Handmaid at this residence," a gravelly voice said.
Maria yelped. One of the men pushed his way into the breakfast room and dragged me away.
"What's going on? Where are you taking me?" I demanded. I looked at Commander Cole for answers, but he didn't even bother to look up from his newspaper.
Five other Handmaids were packed into the van, I recognized them all as neighbors. Jade was crying quietly towards the front. The van smelled like the tang of sweat and fear. One of the other Handmaids, Ofbrian, peed herself. Eventually, we arrived at our destination. I recognized it with relief: the Red Center. We were filed out of the van, several others were already there or arriving with fresh batches of Handmaids. We were herded by the Guardians and Aunts into the football field and pushed to our knees. There were ten posts erected in the middle. Handmaids that had not yet been posted were in the middle of their walk around the field. I could feel their eyes on us.
Aunt Claire took center stage before us, her hands clasped behind her back. "Such a beautiful day this is, girls. We have been blessed by the Lord, we are all fortunate to be here today, in this holy republic with our sacred duties. We must all be proud that we were chosen to serve God in a way most women, even Wives, cannot hope to. For you were made fruitful by God and can fulfill his commandment to multiply and fill the lands with people as numerous as the stars in the sky."
She motioned to another Aunt, who struck a girl three down from me with a cattle prod. Her cries of pain echoed across the field. The unposted girls had stopped walking to watch.
"I'm very disappointed in you girls." Aunt Claire continued. "I'm ashamed of you. One of your sisters in arms, Ofliam, has run away. She committed the sin of gender treachery and abandoned her post. What do you say to this, girls?"
We jeered and condemned Ofliam on cue in a harsh chorus. Aunt Claire nodded approvingly.
"You are right in saying she should be punished. But Ofliam is not here. Someone else must bear the weight of this grave sin for this crime cannot go unpunished. You girls must bear it in her place, expiate this sin. Anyone of you could have known of Ofliam's plans, anyone of you could have reported it. Yet none of you did. This is the price you must pay when you fail to be your sister's keeper."
She motioned to one of the Guardians who dragged a Handmaid, Ofjohn, to the front of us. The guards stripped her and tied her to the center post so that she faced us.
Ofjohn began to wail. "Please, please Aunt Claire, I swear I knew nothing about it. I would've told you everything! I promise. I'm so sorry Aunt Claire—!"
A whip cracked. Ofjohn screamed and spasmed. The whip crackled with electricity. Another crack, another scream. Aunt Claire motioned again. A hand grabbed my arm and dragged me to one of the posts. Something warm trickled down my legs. I heard Jade scream from the post beside me. A piece of leather was shoved into my mouth. I gagged at the acrid taste and the fear writhing in my stomach. A crack.
Every nerve lit up in pain. My vision flashed. Another crack, and the flesh of my butt split. The guard hit again and again and I could feel the flesh hanging open. The whip cracked against my back now, against the old scars. Before it had been a simple leather whip. I would beg to repeat that over this. Screams tore through my throat, unbidden. I could no longer tell when the whip was touching me, it was all one unending surge of pain.
"Please, Aunt Claire," I gasped, only vaguely aware of the woman standing in front of me. I must've spit out the leather bit at some point. "I'm pregnant."
"Stop!"
The cries around me shifted to muffled whimpers. A hand touched my chin.
"What did you say?" Aunt Claire asked. Her face was close enough for me to feel her breath on mine. I couldn't see her through my tears.
I shuddered, trying to find the strength to speak. "I…pregnant. I'm pregnant."
"Is that so?" Aunt Claire said. "I don't recall a doctor's report. Guards, keep at it."
"No!" I shouted. "I'm not due for an appointment until next week. I missed my period—it was supposed to be two weeks ago, I swear! I swear I'm pregnant!"
"Untie her," Aunt Claire replied. "Untie her!" The guard must have hesitated. I couldn't tell, my head was swimming. Cool grass caressed my face. I clenched some in my hand. Then a surge of nausea hit me, and I spat bile which slid out of the corner of my mouth.
"Get her up, carry her if you must," Aunt Claire ordered from above. "If you are lying girl, I'll have you begging to finish this punishment instead of the one you'll be getting. Carry on!"
I yelped as arms wrapped themselves around my raw back and butt. The cracking of whips and cries of anguish resumed. I could make out Jade's voice among the others. A part of me felt guilty for my weakness. I was able to escape, but the others couldn't. Jade had been through enough already, it should've been her that was freed. But the larger part of me, the selfish part, was grateful it was me and not her. I prayed that I truly was pregnant. I'd had irregular periods before. Stress from things like exams had exacerbated the problem. I could only hope that it wasn't the case this time.
I squinted at the bright lights of the infirmary. I was laid face down on a bed. I heard the Center's resident doctor approach.
"Did too much of a good thing this time, eh Claire? I'll get some sutures, this one's gonna need it."
"Check for pregnancy. If she's not pregnant, don't waste your time cleaning her up, she'll be sent back soon enough."
"She's going to get blood all over perfectly good sheets. Alright, alright, calm down. I'll do it. Can you roll onto your back?" He asked me.
I pushed myself up, only for my arms to give out. My body screamed at me. I shook my head. I was flipped over by the doctor and my vision went black. When I came to my senses, his hand was inside me feeling around none too gently. The Red Center doctors were the worst. At least the ones in the hospitals stayed nice to try to get some action. He removed his hand, and smeared gel on my exposed stomach for the ultrasound.
"Well, Claire, you can quit plotting how to punish the girl. She really is pregnant, see for yourself."
I breathed a sigh of relief as Aunt Claire looked at the screen. I could just barely make out the double curves of the ultrasound in the doctor's glasses. I wished I could see it.
Aunt Claire sniffled. "Praise be, a miracle if I ever saw one." She held my hand. I wanted to yank it away and burn the touch off, but I returned her gentle squeeze instead.
"You have been so blessed, Ofmartin. We will celebrate this. You there," she added to a guard. "Tell the others in the field to stop and get the girls cleaned up. I want them in the cafeteria as soon as possible."
The doctor handed me a towel to wipe off the gel while he gathered supplies. I gritted my teeth through the stitching process. Pain medication could hurt the baby, so of course I wouldn't be allowed any. If memory served me right, there were medications that would be safe, but I didn't dare mention it, fresh as the beating was in my mind.
Hours later, we handmaids all stood in the cafeteria. Most were lucky to have not been beaten by the time Aunt Claire called off the punishment, but they didn't sit out of solidarity for those of us whose recently stitched backsides couldn't take it. I doubted we'd be able to sit for weeks. Aunt Claire's idea of celebration, it turned out, was cake and ice cream. I stared down at my bowl. I'd even been given chocolate syrup. It seemed like a mockery of what we'd just gone through. My stomach revolted at the sight of it, but the Aunts watched us like hawks, so I forced it down bit by bit. Unsurprisingly, few of the girls had an appetite. Most picked at their cake and watched as the ice cream melted, some were still crying.
When the vans dropped us off at our postings, Mrs. Cole was waiting for me on the steps. She sent James with an umbrella to walk me back. I don't know why she bothered, it was only a few steps, but that action told me she already knew about the pregnancy. She must've been happy-she'd wanted this badly enough to threaten to kill me, something that would likely send her to the Colonies if Commander Cole didn't intervene-but her face betrayed nothing. I hobbled my way up the stairs, every step burning. It was an effort to get to my room and even then I couldn't rest. The best I could do was lay face down on my bed until dinner. Fortunately, Maria had the foresight to bring dinner to my room rather than force me to face the stairs again.