I contemplated my next move on the way to the celebratory party honoring the newly married couples. If I was going to escape before this child was born, I'd need more power. As it was, I couldn't even leave my room without someone hovering over me. I needed information on the Cole's to help with whatever Everett was planning, and to get it I needed freedom. I had bits and pieces on what the Coles were up to, I remembered. My pregnancy gave me physical protection from the Coles, if I didn't lose the baby. If. If I did, there would be no future for me, one way or the other. I just needed to plan when to strike.

The opportunity presented itself after the garden party. The Commander had received a message that required his attention and he left with James shortly after we'd reached the house. Mrs. Cole dismissed Anne and Maria for the evening. That left just me and her alone in the entire house.

She turned on a lamp in the sitting room and fished out a ball of yarn and a pair of knitting needles with a half finished gray scarf hanging from them. She brought out a delicate pair of reading glasses and perched them on her nose. She stared blankly at the scarf, making no move to build on it.

I felt a pang of remorse for what I was about to do. She resembled Mrs. Thorpe in this lighting, the lamp casting shadows on her cheeks making them look impossibly sunken and exaggerating the bags under her eyes. Her clothes hung loose on her, despite having a slight frame to begin with.

When had she gotten like this? I hadn't paid her much attention since she'd beaten me after the miscarriage. It must've happened sometime after. She was devastated by the loss, more so than I was, to my own shame, but she was getting another chance to steal a baby, surely this would've made her happy?

I approached her chair, my hands clasped before me and my head bent subserviently. "It was a lovely party, Mrs. Cole. Thank you for letting me attend."

She didn't look up. "Go to your room, Ofmartin."

I took a deep breath to steel myself. "I know you've been reading."

Mrs. Cole's knuckles turned white on the needles. "What did you just say?"

"I know what you've been hiding in that thread basket of yours. I found the papers." I almost let slip that I knew the contents, but bit my tongue. To have found them was one thing, to have read them and know the Commander's involvement was a risk I wasn't willing to take.

"How did you find those?" Mrs. Cole asked faintly.

"Doesn't matter how I know, you just admitted it yourself. You know what the punishment is for being caught reading? You could lose a hand. I take it the Commander doesn't know what you've been up to if you're squirreling it away like that."

Mrs. Cole blanched at me. So he really didn't know. Interesting.

"My husband would never allow them to take my hand. He would defend my honor against a common, lying whore like you."

"Would the Aunts believe you? The Eyes? There are other people I could tell. If this became public, do you really think the Commander would protect you over his reputation? Considering how he threatened you when you saw him raping me and how you backed off, I'm not inclined to think so."

I clenched my fist and felt my cheeks flush with heat as I remembered that day, how she'd just walked away. She should have accused him of causing my miscarriage if she truly cared, that would've made him lose a hand. But no, she'd been too weak, too selfish to do anything but watch.

Her silence now was answer enough. I bit my tongue as I let her squirm. Her move now.

Mrs. Cole glanced at the clock, then at her knitting, then back at me. Her fingers worried at the scarf, distorting the meticulous design. I waited.

"Why are you telling me this? Why not just report me to the Aunts then? You hate me enough, I see it in your eyes."

"I do," I answered. "But seeing your hand chopped off won't change that. You have something I want."

She wrinkled her nose in disgust. The effect was somewhat lessened though by the fear in her eyes and pallor of her skin. "What do you want?"

"Freedom. I want to have free movement around the house and the gardens. No more being locked in my room all day, and no more chaperones wherever I go in the house. It'll make me less likely to throw myself down the stairs again." I placed a hand on my stomach for emphasis. "It gets so lonely up there with no one to talk to and nothing to look at. A little freedom will do the baby good."

The fear melted from Mrs. Cole's face, replaced by anger. "Don't you dare threaten my child like that."

I merely arched an eyebrow, waiting for her answer.

He grit her teeth. "Fine. But you have a curfew at sunset. And you can't go outside."

"No curfew, but I'll stay out of the front yard," I retorted.

Her eye twitched. After a moment's hesitation, she gave a curt nod. "Very well. Don't make me regret this, or there'll be Hell to pay for you."

"Yes, Mrs. Cole," I said in a saccharine voice. My lips twitched, eager to smile at my victory.

I didn't test our bargain that night or the night after. No sense in rubbing it in her face and risking a change of heart. I kept a cleaning rag with me whenever Mrs. Cole was around to maintain the image of a hardworking Handmaid. When she was out in the gardens or visiting another Wife, I spent time with Maria and Anne.

Maria had been much more subdued ever since Mrs. Cole had burned her hand. The shiny red scarring was impossible to ignore against the gray-green of her dress.

The third night, after the Commander's light had finally gone out, I crept from my room. The floor squeaked. Third board to the right. I made a mental note to avoid it in the future. The fourth and seventh steps on the stairs, as well as the space right around the bottom step, just large enough to require an awkwardly wide stride to avoid.

I wandered the house, keeping my hands outstretched to avoid bumping into the furniture. I probably looked like the ghost of a Victorian child haunting an old mansion in my flowing white nightgown.

As expected, there weren't any night shift Guardians in the house. All three were visible in the guardhouse through the window, playing cards just like Maria said they did. At least I wouldn't have to watch out for them during my nightly prowl.

I counted the steps between the walls and furniture, often retracing my steps several times as I forgot them. If I wanted to snoop without drawing attention and eventually escape, I'd need to know exactly where everything was in the dark. Getting caught making noise now wouldn't draw suspicion. I was just walking. Once I got to work gathering information for Everett, it would be something I couldn't afford happening.

I walked until my head was dizzy with numbers and my eyelids felt like concrete. I stepped outside to be greeted by a blast of cold, winter air. My bare feet sunk into a thin layer of snow. A year. It had been almost a year here. It was hard to believe so little time had passed.

It felt like an eternity since I'd seen Connor's and my family's faces. That life as an Econowife cooking what basic meals rations allowed and fumbling through the sewing felt like a stranger's life. The time before that was a hazy dream. I wondered how Ruth, my little sister, was doing.

Her husband was prone to violent outbursts. The whole family knew he hit her when no one was around. She was probably still walking on eggshells whenever he was home. Had it gotten worse? Probably. They were trying for a baby when I'd left, though Ruth didn't want one. She was too young, only 15 at the time. Who knew what her husband would do to a child that got in the way? I hoped they were unsuccessful.

I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer into the wind. Let her be ok. If there really is a God out there, let her and my baby be ok. Let there be some kernel of justice in this shitty world.

Twelve weeks. I was twelve weeks pregnant today. I stared up at the ceiling as I lay in bed. I waited for cramps or nausea to hit, but they didn't come. I fought with myself, I didn't want to look. I looked. No blood staining my nightgown, no blood on the sheets. I'd made it. I smiled as I rested a hand on my stomach. It had a distinct curve to it now, visible even through my loose red dress.

I'd made it through the riskiest part. It was as if a hundred pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This was really happening. I was going to have a baby.

Breakfast tasted even better than usual. Anne had spared some eggs for the servants, and the toast had butter. A part of me regretted not coming down sooner to rescue the butter from my slice to be used on my cracked, bleeding lips and wind-burned cheeks, but I was too happy for it to last after the first bite.

"Mmm, Anne, you are an angel. This is hands down the best breakfast I've had in years."

Anne raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. "You need higher standards."

Maria pressed her lips together to avoid laughing. It was good to see her old self returning at last.

"What's got you in such a good mood, Ofmilton?"

"Today is week twelve. We made it past the riskiest part today," I answered between bites of toast.

"Only twelve? I must be feeding you too well, you look like you're already in the second trimester," Anne said, looking pointedly at my stomach.

James coughed. "Can you not talk about that stuff at the table? I'm trying to eat here."

Maria rolled her eyes. "Poor James, what'll you do when you get a wife and have to hear about menstru-"

"That's it, I'm not listening to this," James interrupted, not even bothering to take his plate with him as he left. He gave a withering look towards Maria as he did so, which sent a shiver of fear down my spine.

"You shouldn't antagonize him, Maria," I cautioned. "You don't want to get on his bad side."

For a moment, her face darkened. "I know."

Breakfast for the Coles was business as usual. The Commander patted my belly before seating himself in front of me. Today's report headline was about another uprising in Chicago and the Republic's troops being pushed back. So much for wiping out those rebels more than a month ago.

I was tempted to share the good news with the Coles, but the memory of losing my first child at the party, of the subsequent beating, stilled my tongue. If something went wrong again, it would only be worse for giving them false hope.

I wiped my sweaty hands on my dress for what felt like the twentieth time. I tried to distract myself by looking at the fish tank in the small waiting room, a luxury I'd seen nowhere else in Gilead, but it was in vain. A Handmaid's desperate scream emanated from behind the ward doors. An Aunt's sharp reprimand followed, muffled just enough to be unintelligible.

The girl's walking partner sat across from me. She squirmed as the cries grew louder. I glanced at Jade. She was gazing listlessly out the window.

"Hey, do you know what that's about?" I asked the girl in a low voice.

"She's pregnant. She was a-" she checked over her shoulder at the guardian monitoring us, then leaned forward. "A gender traitor, the worst kind. Brings back bad memories, I think."

"May the Lord bless her," I sighed, shaking my head.

"Amen."

"Ofmartin," a guardian called. I gave the girl a sympathetic look, then followed the guardian.

The first half of the appointment went as usual. Sweat dripped down my forehead as the doctor performed the scan. This was taking longer than usual, was something wrong?

"Well, Ofmartin, everything seems to be in order. Heartbeat's good and everything seems to be progressing normally. Are you taking your vitamins as prescribed?"

I released a pent up breath. "Yes."

"Good. I see on your chart you are scheduled for a blood transfusion today, your iron was extremely low last time you visited, you fainted and fell down the stairs right? Today's lab work says the same thing. Have you had any more dizzy spells, weakness, shortness of breath?"

"An occasional dizzy spell, but I'm being careful not to fall," I lied, as Everett had instructed.

The doctor grunted. "Be sure to tell your Commander to increase your meat and greens rations, it should help with the dizziness. I'll be sending in a nurse to do the transfusion. You can put your clothes back on."

Once the door closed, I did as I was told. I only had to wait a few minutes before it opened again.

I broke into a smile. "Everett,"

His green eyes lit up. He set the IV bag of blood on the counter to embrace me. My first instinct was to pull back, to be so close felt immodest. I shoved that instinct down as I got a deep breath of his scent. He was the father of my child and the one who would get me out of Gilead, we were allowed to hug.

"Long time no see," he said, pulling back to look at me. I'd forgotten the dimples he got when he smiled. I hoped our child took after him. "How are you feeling? Is everything ok? Are the Coles treating you better?"

I chuckled at his enthusiasm. "Yes, I'm fine. They've been ignoring me, which is the best thing I could've asked for. "What about you?"

"No complaints here. Did you manage to dig up any dirt on the Coles?"

I removed a slip of paper from my sleeve and handed it to him. "Finances. This one's old, from about six months ago. The numbers don't add up, look at all those unmarked expenses. The food ration allotment is way too small compared to what we actually spend."

Everett pulled out a pair of reading glasses and perused the slip. He whistled. "You're right, there's definitely something suspicious going on here. I know what Commanders make roughly, and I can tell you right now that he's making more than double the amount. This isn't enough to do much with, but this merits investigation surely. Anything else?"

"This is even older information, but the Commander was negotiating with the Russians to exchange weapons and troops for information. That was nearly a year ago though. I don't know what's become of it, though."

Everett shook his head. "We already knew that. That deal was finalized months ago. Are you sure you don't have anything more recent?"

"Until recently I've been confined to my room whenever I wasn't wanted, but I've managed to negotiate some freedom now. He discusses all the important stuff in his study after dinner when they host parties, I bet I can listen in for more information."

"Hopefully that will be enough," Everett said, dragging a hand through his wavy brown hair.

I wrung my hands. "Do you have any news about getting me to Canada? How long will I have to wait?"

Everett dropped my gaze. "I spoke with them, but they don't trust you. We lost some good men about a year ago, a Handmaid changed her mind and turned them in. They said-" he sighed, slumping into the chair behind him. "They said that if they got proof you wouldn't betray us, then they'd help. Until then they won't do anything for you. I'm sorry."

My vision went red. "You're sorry? You got me knocked up promising to get me and our child out! How could you lie to me? Is there even a group of you or did you just make that up so you could fuck the first desperate person to come along?"

Everett placed a hand over my mouth. "Not so loud, there are Guardians in the hall. I'm not lying to you, I wouldn't have promised you anything if I didn't think I could get you out. The group is called Mayday, ok? It's not made up. I wish I could tell you more, I really do, but they'll kill me if they suspect I betrayed them. Just trust me, please."

He withdrew his hand cautiously. I bared my teeth at him.

"Don't do that again," I warned him. "I'm not going to rat you out, but not because I trust you, but because it's the only option here. What kind of information do they want?"

The tension released from his shoulders. "If you can find out where that money is going, that would be a good start, physical proof would be ideal. Travel plans, meetings, who his connections are, locations of supplies and troops. Based on his salary alone, he has to be high up. He must know who is running Gilead, it's not the Council as they say. That would be the golden ticket, if you could figure that out."

I frowned. "Why don't you ask for his head on a silver platter too? This Mayday of yours sure asks a lot of a Handmaid."

"I know. I'm sorry to ask this of you, but it's the only way I can convince them to help you."

"It's not going to be easy to get that kind of information. He doesn't just leave it lying around," I replied, gut roiling. "You realize what I'd have to do to get it, don't you?"

Everett didn't answer, but his face paled. Of course he hadn't realized, he was a man in a man's world. He'd never have given a single thought to it.

I furrowed my brow in thought. Every fiber of my being revolted against the thought of the Commander touching me, but if I didn't go along with this, who was to say he wouldn't touch me anyway? I'd seen his lustful looks the past weeks as I'd begun to show, I'd felt the stray touches as I passed. And if he didn't, the next Commander would. Not to mention there was a child in the picture now. If we didn't escape, they would be ripped from me once they were weaned. If they were a girl, that wouldn't be the worst of it. There wasn't a choice then.

"Do you promise to get me out if I do this? I mean truly promise, not your weak 'I'll check with my superiors' promise?"

He took my hands in his own. They were surprisingly gentle. He looked deep into my eyes. "I promise."

"Then we've got a deal. One problem though, we'll need to meet up more frequently if you want relevant information."

"We have another Handmaid that is a point of contact. She just got reassigned to Commander Thomas Howe. The doctor who sees her monthly is one of us, just relay the information to her and we'll get it."

I shook my head. "Too public. We aren't ever left alone, remember? I can't exactly hand her a stack of papers in the middle of the market."

We thought in silence for a moment. Then an idea popped into my head.

"What if you came to the Coles' place at night? I managed to convince Mrs. Cole to give me free rein around the house a few weeks ago. I wander around at night and haven't seen a soul. I could meet you in the backyard when everyone is asleep. There are the night shift Guardians, but they are easy enough to avoid. They patrol on the hour then go back to the guardhouse. The Commander doesn't know they are slacking off. No one would suspect a thing."

"Sneak in at night? Are you crazy?" Everett spluttered.

"Now you know how I feel with all you are asking me to do. Do you want the information or not?"

He sighed. "Fine. Two weeks from now, 1:30 AM. It had better be worth it."