I was behind schedule. I'd brushed up against the Commander several times over the past few days to get his attention. I'd stood closer to him during meals, and had made an effort to smile at him despite Mrs. Cole's furious glares. He'd commented on my improved looks and demeanor, but had yet to make a move on me. Whenever I grabbed his attention, I only held it for a few moments before he rushed out the door for work or had to take a call in his office. I feared he'd never give me an opening.

The Coles were eating dinner. I changed positions, now between the Coles instead of beside the Commander. I cupped my belly in my hands to make it visible through my new, roomier dress.

Mrs. Cole raised an eyebrow at this, but her gaze quickly shifted to where the baby lay. Whatever was running through her head must have appeased her, as she didn't scowl once throughout the dinner.

More importantly, I'd also managed to catch Commander Cole's attention. I could feel those watery blue eyes watching my every move like a breath of cold air which made my skin prickle, though whenever I risked a peek at him, I could not catch him at it.

His cellphone rang as dinner ended and Mrs. Cole excused herself to her room. A sigh of disappointment escaped my lips. Another failed attempt.

"Commander." I curtsied as was customary in this house before walking past him to leave. I could listen in to his side of the conversation if he thought he was alone.

He grabbed my wrist as I passed. "Wait."

The phone went unanswered.

Simultaneous waves of relief and dread washed over me. The gleam in his eyes said it all. "Come with me."

He led the way upstairs. I caught Anne peeking through the kitchen as we passed. Her lip was curled in disgust though whether it was for the Commander or me I couldn't tell.

For the second time, I found myself in the Commander's bedroom. Panic zinged through me with electric intensity. My breaths came in gasps. The same chair where he's tied me was in the same place, the same dark wood furniture, even the same white ropes on the dresser which he'd used to bind me. It was happening again, and this time I was bringing myself to the gallows.

The Commander sat on the bed and patted the space beside him. I joined him before my mind could betray me.

"We haven't had much time together lately, have we Ofmilton?" He said.

"Not since the last Ceremony."

"I assume you and the baby are well?"

"I went to the doctor last week," I began. "I'm thirteen weeks pregnant now, the risk of miscarriage is lower. They said everything is progressing well."

He smiled, that predatory look never leaving his eyes in a way that reminded me of a great white shark like I'd seen in those nature documentaries when I was little. "It's heartening to see how the product of our love grows. You must be quite earnest to have conceived so soon after our tragic loss."

"I'm sorry, what?" I blurted, completely taken aback before I remembered to play along. "I-I mean I don't quite follow, Commander."

"I mean your love, of course. You fertile women only get pregnant if you want it. It can take time, of course but to have two pregnancies so close together, you must want it desperately."

I bit my tongue to keep my jaw from dropping. "I've never heard that before. I'm sure you are right-you always are-"

"Oh it's not something they talked about in the time before. They used their godless ways and hoaxes they called science to delude people, to trick women into filling their bodies with nasty chemicals to prevent pregnancies they secretly wanted and to manipulate them into ripping apart their babies when they got pregnant anyway."

"But the new order has proven my words true. I instituted the three-strike system for Handmaids, you know. How many Handmaids have refused to give their Commanders children until their third assignment? How else could they get pregnant but by desire? Such selfish women, only the threat of the Colonies is enough to motivate them. But it works, they get pregnant because they want it, not because a Commander cant perform or some other nonsense those time-before devil-worshippers said."

I bit back the reply that I knew why. Heck, I'd practiced it as soon as I was given the opportunity. Instead I fluttered my lashes and put a demure smile on my face.

"It makes sense when you put it like that. I just couldn't admit it to myself before. After all, who am I to be giving you a child? You are a powerful Commander and I'm a lowly Handmaid."

He pressed his lips to my cheek. "The Lord is merciful and lifts up the lowly.

With that he hiked up my skirt. I closed my eyes, but I heard his pants unzip and fall to the floor. His kissed rained down like acid on my face, neck, belly. I held still though every nerve screamed at me to reject his caresses, to fight, to run. I forced my hands into his hair and my legs below his waist. When his gut pushed the air from my lungs, I shaped it into a moan rather than a wheeze.

Despite my efforts, he was as impotent as ever. When penetration could not harden his limpness inside me, he sat himself in a chair with his legs splayed. He motioned for me to approach, as if he were doing me an honor.

I nearly gave up right there, freedom didn't seem worth it in that moment. Death would be preferable. But I shoved the thought down as I did him down my throat. His breath quickened, he bucked against me, his dick grew and choked me. I did my job.

Weeks of abstinence had made him insatiable. Again and again he asked for more, sometimes penetrating me while making out with my belly, even having me pretend to be in labor as he forced himself on me. Other times having me service him, long after he'd run dry.

After an eternity, we lay panting on the bed side-by-side. A clock struck 2 am. An hour had passed since either of us had moved.

"Commander Cole?"

He grunted.

"Your theory, the one about women having to want it, do you think that also includes miscarriages?"

"Naturally."

"That's what I thought. Remember how after Mrs. Cole caught us you didn't touch me again, and then I lost the baby? The truth is, I missed you, missed this" I gestured vaguely at the room. "I felt lonely, that you didn't want me or the baby anymore and I questioned whether I wanted the baby. I'm afraid of that happening again."

He ran a hand through my tangled hair. "Then I promise to not let it happen again. I'll give you more attention from now on. Much more attention."

I prayed my grimace looked like a smile.