Barney had always beenthe lady killer. Until Robin Scherbatsky. At least, that's what his friends think. In all reality, dating Robin had only proven to him that he was in love. With Ted. His best friend, Theodore Evelyn Mosby. Who is male, and by all accounts straight. Not to mention his desire to find the one, get married, and have Luke and Leia. It was not a good idea, Barney knew that, and he was okay with it. Ultimately what had finally broken him and Robin up, even though he really had loved Robin (not as much as Ted, but still.) was them both admitting to themselves that they were horrible for each other.
So now he is single, in love with his best friend, and expected to run plays on unsuspecting women. Just great.
*BATM*
Ted had just watched his friend's relationship with Robin blow up, and he was glad. Not that he could figure out why. Ted truly wanted both of them to be happy, just not together. It was not even because he was in love with Robin. After all, he honestly didn't want her anymore. It was about Barney. Ted did not like the thought of him in a real relationship with anyone. It just bothered him. Not as much, however, as watching what he did next.
Ted was sitting at the bar, staring at Barney in a scuba suit, listening to Lilly recounting the last couple of days, confined in his thoughts.
'What was up with these girls? Is Barney that good of a lay?'
He was jolted to the present by Claire's "Wow!"
"But…. wait. So, why is he wearing scuba gear?" She continued pointing across the bar at him.
"We don't know," Marshall shrugged, "And it's killing us, Claire. It's killing us!"
"Well, let's go ask him." So they got up and went to his booth.
"So, what's the scuba diver," Lilly asked, "And this is Claire, by the way," She tacked on at the end. Claire waved, prompting Barney to say "Hello Claire, my name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman. I train bomb-sniffing dolphins for the Balt…" He glanced over at her and saw the 'I-Know-You're-BS' look and turned away.
"You know what? I-I'm….. I can't… I can't… I can't do this." He turned to Robin, "Robin… I am so sorry." Her head snapped up from her drink, "I guess this breakup has been tougher on me than I thought. I think this playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things." His voice was incredibly soft by the end.
"It's okay. It's been tough on me too. I mean look at me, I've sworn off relationships." Marshall and Ted looked at each other.
"She is so about to get married" Ted followed Marshall up with, "I gotta work on my toast." Marshall followed with, "I gotta make sure my tux fits."
"I will bang your heads together like coconuts." She delivered this line with a smile. Lilly interrupted her with, "Barney, I'm, so glad you're stopping this." She rubbed his arm before continuing, "And-and, frankly, the real Barney is way cooler than any of the fake Barney's in this playbook." Ted got lost in thought about how true that was. When he came to, Barney was headed out with Claire.
"Well, I'll head out too." And he headed home and went to bed.
*BATM*
The next thing he knew, he was leaving McClarins with Barney. The blond got them a cab and held the door for him. They were headed across town, which he knew was the way towards Barneys. Before he could comment on it, he had a tongue in his mouth. They were making out, even weirder he liked it immensely. He pulled back for air. Yet instead of stopping, his friend started nipping at his throat. Sucking. Bitting. Licking. It was making it hard for him to think. Soon he was beginning to worry he was going to explode in the cab, except just then, Barney relented.
"Barney," he breathed.
"Do you want me to stop, Ted?" His voice was gentle and sincere, and he could do nothing but shake his head. Barney grabbed his hand and led him out of the cab, and up to his apartment. Once the door closed, they were kissing again, arms wrapped around each other, pulling impossibly closer, tighter. Ted ground into him, feeling Barney respond. The throbbing heat of Barney's hard-on fried his brain. He would have stayed there grinding, but Barney was tugging, leading him into his room. He let go and began striping. Ted swallowed, trying hard not to moan at a fully naked Barney in all his glory. He really could understand these girls now.
"Ted," he was breathless, causing their eyes to snap together. Ted took in the unfiltered lust held in his eyes. That was for him. There was more in his eyes, but before Ted could ponder it, Barney distracted him by trying to remove his clothes.
"Hurry, Ted." He sounded so exquisite, all desperate and needy for him. Ted pulled his hands away and began undressing. Once bare, Ted was on the bed, Barney on top of him. He was so close already, needing just a little more. Then Ted felt a balmy, smooth hand wrapping around his cock. Squeezing, pumping, and he was releasing into….. His pajama pants…. In his room. What the hell?
He sat up and tried to gather his thoughts. He'd just had a wet dream about Barney. What the hell?
Knock, knock. "Ted, let's go we have to get too lost and found and find that turkey.