Hyenas are not dogs
Disclaimer: Lego Batman belongs to people who are not me. I am making £0.00 out of this fic; it is written purely as fun.
Rating: PG-13
Part: One of One
Set: Post Movie – set in the 'Is this how you get a family?' universe.
Authoress note: This was something of a small brain worm. I had to get it out as it wasn't stopping or developing into anything interesting so I thought perhaps putting it out there would help.
For all my reviewers, who without I would have surely given up a long time ago.
"What kind of name is Bud for a dog?" Bruce stared hard at Joker.
"First, it's a glorious name." Joker put a hand on a wiry furred head and rubbed soft ears. "Both names are great, better than your name."
"Also, Padre." Dick tugged on his arm. "Those aren't dogs."
"Bud is not better than Bruce," Bruce snapped. Turning, he eyed Dick. "I can see they're not dogs. I was getting to that."
"Who's a good boy?" Joker had turned his back to Bruce, knelt down in front of the creatures and was making a fuss. "You are, yes you are, you're the best boys."
"Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you." Bruce grabbed Joker's shoulder and pulled hard enough to jostle.
"Someone's jealous of my best boys." Joker grinned at the Hyenas. "Isn't he, he's a jealous bat."
I'm not jealous! And you can't keep Hyena's here." Bruce released Joker's shoulder and pinched the bridge of his nose. Why was this even an argument? Joker finally looked up at him.
"Why not?" He frowned. "You got plenty of big open space here."
"Because I don't want hyenas running around my house." Bruce tried to keep his voice low and even, like talking to an infant.
"Better than poncy peacocks," Joker huffed.
"I don't have peacocks either," Bruce said through his teeth.
"My best boys are endangered too." Joker reached down to pet the head of Lou, keeping his eyes on Bruce. "So, when your fancy-pants friends come for tea and little fishy cream cakes, you can brag about how environmentally aware you are."
Bruce considered that, then caught himself considering it and glared.
"Or," Joker continued. "If there's a particular big wig you don't like, you can invite them out for an evening stroll and watch as they shit bricks at my best-boys."
"Stop calling them that."
Joker leaned down to Bud and whispered, "Jealous Bat."
"I'm not jealous," Bruce said. "It just sounds weird and-"
"Can I pet them?" Dick cut Bruce off.
"Sure Birdy." Joker grinned. "Bud really likes this spot." The clown reached and scratched the monster hyena between the shoulder blades. Bruce watched as the gigantic animal melted, putting all its weight against the clown's legs. Dick grinned and joined in. The creature melted all the way to the floor.
There was a whine from Bruce's side, and he glanced down to see Lou staring up at him with big eyes.
"Oh, no, you don't." He turned away. The enormous creature gave a soft whine and followed around. Bruce continued to turn, determined to give the animal his back. The result was a strange twisting dance that made Bruce dizzy.
"Just give him a scratch, you big baby." Joker laughed. Bruce glared.
Slowly reaching down, he rubbed over coarse fur and watched as the hyena closed its eyes. So very trusting for something that had been in the Joker's care for god knows how long. It was odd, but when he thought about it, Bruce found he wasn't actually that surprised that the Clown's pets seemed to be so trusting. They'd have to be.
"Come on, batsy, look at that face and tell him no," Joker said. Bruce continued to watch the creature luxuriate in the simple act of being petted.
"Maybe for a bit," he said. "Harley really said she can't keep them?"
"Scouts honour," Joker said. "The babies got too big for the hideout."
"They are big," Dick said, his hands buried in grey course fur. "And soppy."
"My babies are not soppy." Joker huffed. "They're terrifying." Bruce raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at Bud, who was sniffing enthusiastically at Dick, to where the boy got knocked down.
"I'm sure people wet their pants when they see them." Absently, Bruce's mind wandered to a few of his socialite 'friends', who he could inflict the hyenas on. Maybe then they'd stop insisting on dinner parties.
"Master Bruce, so glad you've agreed." Albert was suddenly behind Bruce. "Every boy should have a pet."
"Albert you…" Bruce frowned.
"I've already ordered a 'stable' of sorts to be built down in the east side gardens for them and I'm looking into pet food supplies."
"My babies like steak," Joker said.
"Then they can pay rent," Albert said curtly.
"We're really keeping them!" Dick grinned from his prone position on the floor. Bud had settled all his weight on the boy and was looking like he would nap. Lou was still pushing his nose into Bruce's fingers.
"Looks like it."
"Here that babies, you're coming to live the high life with daddy," Joker crowed.
End Fic
Thank you for reading, please review, I'd love to hear what you think of the fic.
For information on published works and upcoming projects, release dates as well as weekly blogs check out .