I didn't feel lonely until there was something to yearn for. Loneliness and longing are two sides of the same coin.

Jostein Gaarder, The Ringmaster's Daughter

Every morning when Prometheus wakes, chained to his rock, an eagle eats his liver. The same pain, every day, inescapable on his own. Every morning when Elle Robinson woke, she was still a triplet without triplets. The same pain, every day, inescapable on her own. There's nothing to soothe it, no balm or ointment to dull the sting. Sometimes, it's small like someone hammering thumb tacks into her chest. Sometimes it feels like icepicks.

When the plane went down, she was nineteen years old. Crushed against her father's side, too frozen with fear to even tell him she loved him. It took twelve hours for search and rescue to find her, with Izzy, on the piece of metal they were clinging to. so cold for so long that Izzy had stopped shivering. The cold was never-ending, it climbed into her bone marrow and made itself a home there. Later, in the hospital, she'd wondered why Izzy would bother to save her. She could have stayed with Susan and saved herself. Izzy had given her a strangled, confused look and answered honestly -

"Because you're my family, and I love you."

Her family? Elle wasn't her family. Elle was the troubled daughter of her maybe-boyfriend, nothing more and nothing less. Given that only a month or so earlier she'd been trying to poison her into having a nervous breakdown she should probably have been less. Because you're my family, and I love you. What a strange concept. She hadn't quite got it then. But, life, it seemed, went on. Marriages and births. Deaths. Jail. But Elle Robinson didn't. She was still there, drifting about the choppy, icy cold Bass Strait. Day in and day out, freezing to death in increments. Until one day Leo showed up. Reaching into the water, he pulled her to safety by her hair, because she'd long since abandoned holding out a hand. And she hadn't understood that, either. Why couldn't he leave her, to fall to the depths of the ocean and become a hollowed-out shipwreck for fish? Why go to all this effort? She didn't understand.

The part of Elle that did get rescued that day did go on. She moved to New York, she became a journalist. She spent her time hanging out at her brother's new apartment on the slightly nicer side of town. The floors were hardwood, the couch was white linen and the countertops were faux marble. It was…Nice but it was also clearly Tash's doing. Andrew was a lot of things, but a decorator he was not. So the circular rugs with a geometric gold print, and the glass top coffee table must be her choices.

But the pool table? That was all Andrew.

She watched him lean over the green felt, one of his huge blue eyes squeezed closed. The other, she thought was so blue you'd need poetry to describe it. She's a finance journalist. But if she had to she'd say that they were blue like the antiseptic morning, or like the chalk dust on the end of his pool cue. He uses his thumb to steady the cue, and his pinkie finger to steady the hand. Still as a statue except for his arm, as he brought it back, struck out like a snake. He sent the fourteen ball against the edge of the table, and then into the net. He stood, and admired his handiwork, smiling to himself as he did so.

"Good shot. You're not half bad, Robinson. " Leo said, taking another small sip of whiskey from his cut crystal glass. The sort of glass too fancy to buy for yourself, but perfect to give as a gift, it had come from Dad two Christmases ago. Leo is a drinker of many fine spirits, or, as fine of a spirit as you can find in the bar of a twenty-something who can't drink alcohol. Tash, who was a cocktail girl if Elle ever met one, doesn't have good taste in whiskey. Or gin. Or scotch. Or vodka. Or anything Elle would ever conceivably want to consume. Or perhaps Elle is simply used to having more disposable income to spend on higher-shelf alcohol. Amy is always telling her to be less judgemental. Picking up the little cube from the wood-panelled edge of the pool table, she began the repetitive motion of chalking the tip.

"You wish you were this good, Tanaka," Andrew replied, walking around the table so that he could line up his next shot. Probably owing to his delinquent teenage years, Andrew is an exceptional pool player. One of the few people Elle has ever met who can give her a run for her money. The competition is as friendly as it can be between siblings, they're not playing for money but rather the glory. Well, and who would pay for the drinks when they went on their next Robinsons Cocktail Friday. On a usual said Robinson Cocktail Fridays they would be at a bar. One with Pounding bass you can feel in your spine, surrounded by women in short skirts and men in mesh tops. Her kind of place, in short. She'd always been a bit of a club kid growing up, she liked being an anonymous body on a dance floor. But tonight, they were at Andrew's place. Aside from the bitterly cold weather rendering their usual haunt at the Met's rooftop bar uninhabitable, that wasn't what Leo needed tonight. He needed a distraction and to be with his family. Tonight, anonymity was not an option. His on and off relationship was once again…Off.

It's not that Elle dislikes said on again off again girlfriend, Britney Barnes. It's just that she has the personality equivalent of rubbing your eyes with fine-grained sandpaper. Of course, then there was the fact she was Oliver's cousin. That was worse, somehow. She didn't blame Leo for getting involved with her , she was a beautiful woman. It had given him one Hell of an in into business in New York, though it didn't seem that he liked their one-time (two-time?) stepbrother any more than she did. He'd even commented once or twice that he thought the way he'd treated her was unfair but Elle didn't want (or need) him to go to bat for her. What's past was past. She has new worries now, like Carmella telling her that she'd been given a vision from God and was planning to return to a life of being a nun when Chloe was older. She's quite sure that God wasn't telling her to be a nun as much as he was telling her, on no uncertain terms, to leave Oliver. One day, she would like to think she will, and they can be real friends again. Maybe something more. "As for you, Ms Robinson, you're going down." Andrew's voice cut in, snapping her out of her thoughts that the repetitive motion of chalking the top of her cue had let her fall into.

"In your dreams." She replied, bringing the cue to her lips and blowing off the dust that clung to the top.

When Andrew and Tash had announced (through the family group chat, giving them a courteous three-day warning) that they were moving to New York, Elle had been a bit stumped on what to think. She'd been unsure what to think when Amy showed up on Leo's arm out of the blue way back in 2020 either. But Leo knew, like he always did. And he was right, like he always was. The confusion came from not knowing where she fit in with them. At least with Leo, it was obvious. He saw himself as the big brother, specifically as her big brother. Elle likes that. But the others, she didn't know how to navigate those relationships. She'd had big brothers. She'd never had a sister. She'd never been an older sibling. But she wanted to be. The enormity of her desire, how deep the roots of longing went, how very very badly she wanted to love and be loved by these people disgusted her. She didn't want to want. She wanted to live in her misery alone. To be alone with her fading memories of Cameron. To never have to put herself through the unimaginable pain of losing another one of her siblings. But, leave it to Leo, he found a way to get through to her. He was getting pretty good at it. She'd left it until almost the last possible second, spurred on only by Donna promising to hold her hand if she wanted. When she arrived, Leo had cheered and kissed her cheek and said -

"I knew you'd come."

"How could you know that?" She'd asked annoyed with him for being pleased to see her.

"Call it my older brother's instinct. I knew you were bound to show up." Bound was right. Like Prometheus woke up bound to his rock, she was bound to these people. That's what family is, people who you can't ever really run away from. She'd come to New York, on the other side of the world before she realized that she would always be Robert's sister. Thinking, even briefly, on Robert felt like being knifed in the side, and looking back at Leo, she'd felt it. A rush of warm affection, like whiskey, came over her. The quickest way to lose him would be to learn nothing from what happened between her and Rob. So, she touched him on the shoulder to get his attention. He glanced back at her, now standing in front of their table, framed out the window by the city skyline. She pulled him down to her level so she could wrap him tightly in a hug.

"Thank you for inviting me." She said, hoping that the real message was telegraphed to him through a single sentence.

Elle knew she was high maintenance. She's not so un-self aware to not know how difficult she can be. She never means to, it's just her nature. She doesn't know if there are enough hugs in the world she can give him to thank him for what he's done for her, for deciding that she's worth the effort. She doesn't know if it's her inherent personality or the one she developed for protection after Cam died, or even if there's any meaningful distinction to be made between them. She is who she is. Being around them, made her happy, but it couldn't take away the pain. Cameron was never far from her mind, he was usually the last thing on her mind before she slept, and the first thing on her mind in the morning. But since then, what had felt like his cold shadow was now feeling warm, like a comforting blanket. Yes, what happened to him was a tragedy. But she had loved him, and maybe love couldn't save him. Maybe love can't save her new siblings either. But she can still love them, and have it mean something. Maybe that's what she was meant to learn from all the pain.

"Someone might have finally called your number, Cind," Leo said, gleeful to see her defeat after losing many a game to her over the last couple of years. It's strange to think that there was ever a time in her life when he wasn't in it. With no input from her, Leo had gone from a curious footnote to one of the most important people in her life. He'd shown up here in 2019 and settled somewhere under Elle's ribs, right near her heart. He was many things. Ambitious, intelligent…Messy. She'd never met anyone more prone to ruining his own life than Leo. She's not proud to admit it, but sometimes he reminded her so strikingly of Robert. Not…Not of how he was the last time she saw him being led away from a courtroom threatening to kill Toadie's family, but how he was in her memory. Whip-smart, sarcastically funny, more than a little willing to do something morally dubious. Maybe that was what she'd learned from his help in her little plot to ruin Dad's wedding. Either way, her only experience with having an eldest brother had been decidedly negative, good years be damned. Rob tormented her and Cam for sport about anything and everything. He made degrading comments about her cheerleading and bullied Cameron for his interest in art. when Elle ever expressed any kind of sadness about Dad not being around he was the first to jump on it and call her hysterical and make her feel like it was her fault Dad was away. It's not that she didn't love Robert. She did, of course, but he made it extremely hard.

Leo, by comparison, made it extremely easy to love him. He was affable, genuinely thoughtful and the first to offer to come over and spend time with her if she was upset about something. He was as Robinson as the rest of them, his business dealings occasionally seemed a bit dodgy, and he was not above trying to manipulate his way into getting what he wanted (she'd only realized much later he'd manipulated her into going to that first meet up by delivering the invite via Donna, knowing Donna would convince her to show up) and he tended to wear his heart on his sleeve but none of those things made him bad. Some of them she even found endearing. He was easy to love. Elle would know because she loved him.

"I'm team girl power." Amy supportively commented, from Tash and Andrew's conversation pit living room, where she was totally not snooping through Andrew's stuff. Stretched out, with her bare feet on the white linen couch, she was flipping through their coffee table book which was mostly pictures of Thailand. When Elle was a bit younger and dumber, Riley almost talked her into doing a coffee table book of weird-themed bars in America. It had been a good idea but ended up falling through when he was recalled to do more war reporting in the Middle East. Elle, after being shot the previous time had turned the same contract down and she hadn't been in the same room as him since. That was…Almost eight years ago now. It's not that he's not alive he is. He has his show on some piece of crap direct streaming service with about a thousand subscribers breaking down the news Last Week Tonight style. He lived in Vegas, and she lived in New York. Their paths no longer crossed and the last time they spoke he was seeing some girl with a kid. Whatever. She'd given up on waiting for their time to be right, it was clear that it never would be.

"Don't call me Cind." She said, aloud, having annoyed herself with her own thoughts about Riley and their great love that never was "And I'm the best pool player in this family, I don't need girl power." Amy rolled her eyes, smiling to herself. Andrew takes his next shot - No vocalizations, he's trying to concentrate- and bam. The cue ball knocks burgundy against the eight ball, it ricochetted, looked like it might miss…Then sinks. Before she even has time to consider it, Andrew lines up the next shot at the eight ball and shoots without thinking. The eight ball lands. Game over. Andrew wins. Elle was in shock.

"Oh my God!" Leo exclaims, laughing.

"Sorry, Elle," Amy says, same laughter in her voice. Elle stared at the felt table, then looked at Andrew and for a split second, she thought she could see Cameron's smile looking back at her from his face. Then realized that the only smile there belonged to Andrew.

"So you'll be paying for the next Robinsons Cocktail Friday?" He asked, his voice is deep and his accent makes it sound very round. He's a handsome boy, but then again he's their father's son so, of course, he is. She'd felt connected to Andrew the moment that they first met. She couldn't explain it but it did feel like she'd known him her whole life. Sometimes, Mum seemed like she hated Andrew. As if she somehow blamed a baby for Dad leaving for Brazil, the baby he wanted to be with rather than the three he'd had with her. Elle had never felt that way. She'd been jealous of him, but never hated him. She didn't even know him. Donna had given Andrew her all-important tick of approval and she was right about him. He brought out a competitive side to her, and he made her feel weirdly protective. He doesn't drink, because of his epilepsy, so why he decided he wanted to own a bar was beyond her other than his assertion that he was good at it. But she'd never been one to turn down free drinks before.

Andrew was a serious boy, sort of downbeat compared to the rest of the family. Not sad, just, downbeat. His voice was low, and he spoke slowly like he'd been told too many times he was difficult to understand. For a while, she'd wondered what they'd even have in common anyway. It turned out it was not about what they had in common, but about the ways that they could find common ground. Pool was one of these things. So was watching the game together with Donna and Tash. He was the first person she ever spoke about Kate with after she died. Not even Donna had that privilege. He was thoughtful (when he wanted to be) and he was funny. Spending time with him was never a chore. Sometimes she'd give him advice. Sometimes he'd even take it.

"We should go back to the rooftop bar!" Amy says, speaking a little loudly from the alcohol. She'd never had a sister before. When she met Andrew and Leo she'd felt the spark of connection instantly with them, a sibling bond that existed between them. With Amy, there had been no such feeling. She could have been anyone. It's not Amy's fault, Elle is convinced it is her own. Because she had always been scared of Amy.

She had been scared Amy would resent her the way her mother resented Andrew, for stealing their father. After all, the reason Dad had so little contact with her, was because he had been trying to focus on them. Over the years, she flipped between thinking of Amy as a tyrant, and desperately wanting to know her practically at random. Furious that there was another daughter to contend with, sad that daughter was not someone she knew. Reaching, grabbing, holding onto any justification to not find her only to turn around want to chase her just to have her. Leo spoke so highly of her, that sometimes Elle couldn't help but wonder if he was still in love with her. When they met, she was just Amy. Loveable, normal Amy. Who always seemed like she could see straight through to Elle's bones. She saw what Dad meant when he said Amy was like having your conscious live outside of your body. Her smile was infectious, like sickness, and it spread to her and made her smile too.

It took a while, but the feeling, the sibling spark had come eventually. It happened both all at once and totally at random. It had arrived while they lazed in Elle's sitting room. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, something Elle seldom did. Her home was her sanctuary. Her place to be alone with her grief, to display her mementos of life and reminisce. To be alone with her…With Donna, a relationship for which she lacked the vocabulary to describe. But on that particular morning, at that particular time, she had called for Amy. It was the morning after Carmella told her of her plans to return to the convent. She felt like she was a lost mitten in the slush that passed for snow in New York. Amy had shown up with a bottle of cheap wine, her winning smile, and a package of overpriced but very tasty vegan biscuits. They spread themselves over her lounge suite and watched a marathon of Making Mansions.

"Did Leo tell you?" Amy had asked, as Elle offered her an almond milk coffee rather than indulge in another middle-of-the-day wine. She didn't seem angry, but maybe slightly frustrated. Which confused Elle because she had been on her very best non-judgemental behaviour.

"Tell me what?"

"That I needed a babysitter, for today."

"Leo doesn't tell me anything unless it's pertinent." She replied, "Why would you need a babysitter?" Amy looked at her blankly, then, cautiously -

"Jimmy and Maya are taking the subway."

"People get mugged on the subway," Elle replied, without even thinking. She followed up with.

"Sorry,"

"Don't be sorry." She said, "That's what I've been saying."

"I invited you over because I wanted to spend time with you."

"Maybe this sister thing is going to work out after all," Amy replied, unknowing that some switch had flicked in Elle's mind. She wasn't just Amy anymore. She was her sister. Some unknown quirk of biology had instructed her that on that particular morning, Amy needed someone as much as she did.

When Elle published a story, Amy was the first to deliver her a review. When she showed Elle her gazebo designs, they looked remarkably like Cam's. For the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged with her. She wasn't just some distant figure, a name on a birth certificate. She was a person. A person whose over-straightened bob occasionally smelled of burnt hair but a person just the same. They were all people. People who had thoughts and hopes and dreams. People who had likes and dislikes. At that moment, with Amy, to the soundtrack of the cheesy opening of making mansions, Elle understood Leo more than she ever had.

No brother or sister could ever replace Cameron. She would never expect that of anyone, what she and Cam had was beyond special. None of them even met him and Dad sure as hell wasn't making strides to introduce him to them. But she can still see little traces of him and she knows as surely as she knows that the sun always rises - Even when you're trapped on a piece of metal in the middle of the Bass Strait - that he would have loved them as much as she did. Maybe even more.

She's a triplet. She was born to have siblings. And she does now.

The thought makes her laugh, short and broken glass sharp.

"Elle?" Leo wonders. She says -

"The only person who ever beat me at pool before was Cam." It comes out without her even meaning to say it. She's coming up for air, after a long time underwater. Finally, she's swimming up to greet them.

"Was he good?" Andrew asks with a light touch of curiosity in his voice

"The best. He was the 2005 Byron Bay Pool Champion."

"That's fun." Amy smiles at her, she is so beautiful.

"I always thought he could have been a professional player, but he wanted to be an architect.

"Architects make more money." Leo advises, "Better choice in the long run."

"I would have loved to play against him," Andrew says, as he started racking up the balls again.

"I'm sure he would have loved to play against you." She assured him, "It'd be like watching a chess tournament." He gave her a little smile that is mostly in his eyes. It says 'I understand.' she says "Alright Ames, you're up. I need another drink…And maybe some pizza."

"Help yourself. There's leftovers in the fridge." Andrew informs her, "Or if you're paying you can order a fresh one. But get Leo to help, you're too vegan to be left on your own."

Amy put the book down and walked over, taking the pool cue from Elle, who wandered over to the white couch and sat on it, nudging Leo's shoed feet off as she did so.

"Help me order some Pizzas." She said, "I'm too vegan to be left to my own devices." He leaned over and took the phone from her, holding it slightly away from his face like an old man. He smells like cheap whiskey and the same cinnamon aftershave Dad uses.

"Oh, the high and mighty Lucinda Robinson eats from Pizza Hut like the rest of us?"

"Desperate times." She replied as Leo shook his head fondly. "What do you think of stuffed crust?" He asked. She could hear Amy and Andrew talking, as they gathered by the pool table.

"I don't know why I bother. I always get thrashed."

"I'll go easy on you."

"No, you won't."

"You're right, I won't."

The thing about Prometheus is that his story didn't end with him, bound to a stone, in fact, he was eventually freed from his torment by Hercules. Maybe that's why she can't understand Leo because he's her own personal Hercules. Maybe they're all Hercules, it's a herculean task to love her she'd been told. She can't ever pay him back for what he'd done for her, even if he didn't even know the extent of which he'd done it, pulling their family together. Hell, he'd made them a family, not just four people who happened to have the same dad. But, she can pay for a stuffed crust pizza. Maybe she'd even like it.

I wrote this fic in a Robinson-induced Haze the day after the episode with the zoomcall aired in oz in about 2 sittings of two hours each. And I've been editing it ever since. I don't know that I'm convinced it's the best thing I've ever written, but I do feel like it's cohesive now. It's still quite densely written, and over-edited in some parts...Not to mention tense shifts. Tenses are my enemy. The title comes from the Bless Me Father skit in DAAS Kapital.

Funnily enough, this piece actually has very little left from the original draft, and it's been entirely rewritten at least once for each paragraph. If you saw some the snippets I was posting on Tumblr...Yeah sorry about that. Anyways your reviews, questions, thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated!

As always, you can find me on tumblr at lucindarobinsonvevo, on DW as friendof_dorothy, and now on twitter as CameronRobinsonVevo! Thanks for reading, I love you :)