003: A Beautiful Woman.

Naruto was in the hospital.

He looked at the person next to him.

He was lying in the bed.

Unconscious.

It was Hachiman Hikigaya.

Mikasa Ackerman joined Tsunade Senju and Shizuka Hiratsuka for a drink.

"Are you even old enough to drink?" Shizuka Hiratsuka asked.

"Hey, if she's old enough to die, she's old enough to drink." Tsunade declared loudly.

Tsunade Senju was clearly drunk.

Mikasa Ackerman was a member of the survey corp.

But she was also a woman.

"How much do you weigh?"

Tsunade and Shizuka almost spit out their respective drinks.

The two of them looked at each other for a short while.

The two of them were also a little bit drunk, so they started to whisper, thinking they would not be heard by the gloomy Mikasa Ackerman who had ordered a bottle of vodka. And she was drinking straight from the bottle.

"You handle it." Tsunade said. "You are a teacher who knows how to talk to young people."

"No, you handle it." Shizuka fired back. "You are a teacher who kills people. You two have something in common."

"She kills titans!" Tsunade hissed.

"And you are a Hokage." Shizuka hissed back. "Grow a pair."

"Hey!" By now Mikasa Ackerman, humanity's second strongest soldier had gotten drunk on a bottle of vodka. "Old people! I asked you a question. How much do you old hags weigh?"

In a corner of the bar, minding their own business were a bunch of pansies – Guts, Goblin Slayer, Doomguy, Master Chief, Kratos, Garou, Dante and Virgil. Even the so called manliest of men didn't want to get involved. But they were more than happy to watch a cat fight which involved sexy women tearing off each other's clothes.

But it didn't come to that.

Because these were a bunch of civilized women.

"Listen you little bitch, I don't care if you go around killing a bunch of titans. But call me an old hag again and I will strangle you with that stupid scarf of yours. I just put Naruto in the hospital with a single punch."

"Hiratsuka-chan, calm down." Tsunade tried to keep Shizuka Hiratsuka calm. But it wasn't easy. The woman was so strong, it was actually crazy. In the end Tsunade decided to talk to the younger woman and make her see reason. "Mikasa, I understand you are a soldier. We shinobi are soldiers too. But you can't forget who you are. You are a woman. And as a woman, you can't ask another woman how much they weigh. It's a tad insensitive."

Mikasa Ackerman got another bottle of vodka from Meliodas, the barman and chugged it. She wipped her mouth with the back of her hand, before finally speaking in an uncertain tone of voice. "What if a guy mentions my weight? Is that also being insensitive?"

Immediately a fire started to burn in their eyes.

Tsunade Senju and Shizuka Hiratsuka were fired up.

"I'm the Hokage and I say it's a punishable offense." Tsunade shouted.

"I think the guy should be put to death." Shizuka Hiratsuka added.

Mikasa Ackerman, who for the moment, was not a soldier, not a titan killing monster, just a normal woman, a little bit drunk and more than a bit insecure about her insecurities smiled for a change. She finished her second bottle of vodka and didn't seem the least bit drunk. But she was in fact drunk. "Well, I put him in the hospital."

"Dude, you can't call a woman fat!" Naruto Uzumaki told Hachiman Hikigaya.

Hikigaya tried to let out a sigh, but he winced from his injuries.

Perfect. "Like I told you before, I didn't call her fat. I just went through her records and made a small observation."

Naruto snorted and crossed his arms. He was in better physical condition than before, thanks to Sakura-chan. And a certain fox. He tried not to think about it. He had a better distraction - letting Hikigaya know he was an idiot.

"Hikigaya-teme, you told Misaka-chan that she is the fattest -"

"-heaviest." Hikigaya quickly corrected. "After checking her personal records, which I am allowed to do for assigning protection details, I made a comment that out of all the women in her squad she weighed the most – wait, now I'm seeing it."

Naruto clasped him on the shoulder which also made Hikigaya wince. The dude was wrecked. No wonder he had to be brought to Konoha. Only Sakura-chan could save him. But now he needed some words of encouragement and Naruto was more than happy to provide it. "You are lucky to be alive, you bastard."

Knock.

Knock.

Sakura Haruno peeked through the door. "Hikigaya-kun, you have a few guests."

Hachiman Hikigaya tried to sit up, but winced. But he went with an official, business like voice of tone. Always professional, even on his death bed. Ooh. Foreshadowing. "Send them in."

Naruto was actually jealous.

No one had come to see him.

But in about a minute he was glad.

Because in walked three women.

And they were angry.

And they were drunk.

"Hikigaya~"

Tsunade Senju and Shizuka Hiratsuka cracked their knuckles.

Misaka Ackerman came in with a bottle of vodka.

Her third bottle.

And she wobbled.

But make no mistake.

Mikasa Ackerman, drunk on vodka, was the literal personification of death.

"I heard what you did to Misaka-chan." Shizuka Hiratsuka began. "She put you in a hospital. But I will put you in a morgue."

"And Naruto, you will join him." Tsunade said.

Naruto croaked. "W-why?"

"Because Sakura informed me, you have been acting awfully chummy with this piece of scum." Tsunade informed Naruto. "Now you get to join him. In the morgue!"

"He's the absolute worst." Misaka Ackerman chimed as she finished her bottle of vodka.

And smashed the bottle on Hikigaya's head.

Hikigaya went down.

Naruto looked at the three women.

Naruto looked at the angels of death.

For a minute he was allowed to pray.

Before Sakura Haruno left the hospital, she decided to check in on her two patients.

"Naruto-kun, Hikigaya-san, how are you – WHAT THE HELL! No! No! No! I just finished my shift. I want to go home. I want to go home!" Sakura Haruno went down on her knees and started praying to the gods above. "Please God! I just healed these jerks. And now they are battling death again. Can't they stay healthy for two minutes. Please, just let me go home so I can cry about Sasuke-kun and how I can't have his babies."

An incredibly drunk and hungover Tsunade Senju listened to her prayers.

"Fine Sakura. Go home. Don't be a baby. By the way, leave the surgical equipment and prep the operation theatre."

Sakura Haruno gave her a look. She was her teacher and she learned everything from her. But –

"You are drunk, shishou."

Tsunade glared at her former student. "And?" She dared her to continue.

"…Nothing."

Sakura Haruno was one of the smartest people in the shinobi world and she acted accordingly.

"Sakura-chan." A faint voice cried out.

Sorry Naruto-kun, Sakura thought as she ran out of the hospital.

"Hiratsuka-sensei, I didn't call Misaka fat." Hurt. Broken. Half Dead. Hachiman Hikigaya wasted his last breath on a futile argument. "I just mentioned her weight in passing."

"You said I weighed 68 kilos." Misaka Ackerman repeated coldly.

And she took out her sword made of ultrahard steel, a material that is capable of cutting through Titan skin with relative ease.

Hachiman Hikigaya gulped at the sight of the sharp blade.

Naruto Uzumaki, woozy from a concussion, simply whistled. "Woah, that's almost around 150lbs."

Silence.

Utter silence.

Dead silence.

"Off with their heads!" Tsunade and Shizuka cried in unison.

And Mikasa Ackerman, happy to oblige swung her sword.

And for the first time, Misaka Ackerman truly smiled.

Like a beautiful woman.

A/N: Now, I didn't know this chapter would get so big. But I am happy about it.

In fact, I have to tell you, I'm writing this fic to improve my dialogue writing and work on my humour. Also, it's just something which I really enjoy, so that's an added bonus. And I'm not gonna apologize for the humour or insanity or the OOCness. Yes, Guts had a cameo in this fic and I'm proud to write him.

On that note, who should feature in the next chapter : Itachi Uchiha OR Lelouch Lamperouge.

If you have any idea or things you want me to write about for that particular chapter, please share your ideas in the review. And if I go with the idea, I will give you full credit.

Please suggest more and more male and female characters you want me to write in this fic.

Hope you had fun with this chapter.

Take care.