004: A Good Big Brother

Lelouch Laperouge and Eren Yeager were locked in a heated argument. And Lelouch decided to win the argument in the only way he knew how.

"I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you to die!"

Eren Yeager punched Lelouch in the face. "We are already dead, you idiot."

Lelouch rubbed his chin. Damn, it hurt. "Oh right. I forgot we are dead."

"And in Hell." Eren Yeager added.

"Well, it's kinda hard to call this place Hell. They have a fully stocked bar." Lelouch pointed out. "And the Devil plays the piano sometimes when he is getting over his lady friend."

"You know I kinda feel disappointed. Hell is a bit of a letdown." Eren Yeager observed.

A moment of silence.

A beat.

A breath.

"I still think I did it better." Lelouch Laperouge stated.

Eren Yeager groaned. "We have been over this, man."

"No, listen to me. " Lelouch Laperouge went on. "I died –no – I killed myself to achieve world peace."

"I did more or less the same thing." Eren argued back. "My death resulted in the end of Titans. There would be no war. The world wouldn't become a volcanic waste land."

A moment of silence.

"Did you have a cool name for your plan?" Lelouch Lamperouge stated as he crossed his arms. "Because I sure did. I called it Zero Requiem. I had my best friend, Suzaku kill me."

"…We had something called The Rumbling." Eren Yeager added.

In Hell, sometimes your memories gets messed up and you don't know what is real, what happened and what didn't and you slowly start to lose yourself and who you are. And it affected people differently. Lelouch had been in Hell longer, but Eren was the one losing it.

Lelouch laughed. "That sounds more like a stomach bug."

"Well, I had Misaka, a woman who probably really loved me, kill me, so I certainly had the more tragic death." Eren Yeager proclaimed.

Lelouch made a face. "Eww! Gross! She was like your sister. No wonder you are in Hell."

"Dude, after what you did to your sister -"

"You mean Nunnally?" Lelouch tried to act dumb.

"No, I mean Euphemia!" Eren snapped.

A beat.

"Well, technically, she is my half-sister." Lelouch stated finally.

"It still counts!" Eren fired back.

Eren Yeager and Lelouch vi Britannia continued to argue. It created a lot of ruckus. And it disturbed a lot of people who were just trying to mind their business, trying to suffer in silence in hell, while enjoying their glass of vodka. Until, a small voice finally said one word:

"Amateurs."

Immediately Eren Yaeger and Lelouch Lamerouge turned on the voice. Both of them almost shouted, unanimously.

"What did you say you little punk!?"

At the buffet – because why wouldn't there be a buffet at a bar in Hell- where he was forced to eat steaks, his least favourite food item, Clan Killer Itachi Uchiha looked at the newbies, Lelouch Lamperouge and Eren Yeager and grew tired of their daily arguments about who made the largest sacrifice for the sake of humankind.

"I called you both amateurs." Itachi Uchiha repeated softly.

Lelouch Lamerouge used his geass and Eren Yeager grew into his titan form.

And after a short fight,

Itachi Uchiha defeated them both with relative ease.

Defeated and humiliated, which was a common, everyday experience in Hell, Eren and Lelouch joined their Itachi Uchiha-senpai in the bar and ordered a glass of vodka. Mazikeen or Maze as she liked to call herself looked at the three of them and made an observation which she voiced out loud.

"How come you never include Severus Snape in the list of dudes who made great sacrifices?"

Lelouch and Eren shared a small look. Itachi simply drank his vodka. Before long all three of them were unable to look away from the figure, sitting by himself, all alone, nursing his tenth bottle of firewhisky, because in Hell, you couldn't even get drunk.

"Oh Lily!" Severus Snape wailed and drank straight from the bottle.

Lelouch turned back to look at Mazikeen. "Does that answer your question?"

"He just wanted to fuck someone else's wife." Eren Yeager stated.

Itachi Uchiha smacked Eren Yeager in the back of the head.

"Ow! What the -"

"You don't say the f-word." Itachi told Eren. "You say boink."

"Are you serious?" Eren thought Itachi was crazy.

"Say it." Itachi was adamant.

"Fine, Snape over here wanted to boink Harry's mom." Eren grumbled.

"And NTR is a trash fetish, dear comrades."

Comrades? Who the hell said comrades anymore? Wait a minute, this was Hell. Everyone was drinking vodka. Which could only mean -

Lelouch ventured a guess. "Stalin?"

The fat man laughed. "No, it is I, Yoshiteru Zaimokuza. Hahaha!" He laughed like a mad man. And he definitely seemed crazy.

"I'm sorry, who are you again?" Eren Yeager was confused.

As you would expect, Zaimokuza thought he was dealing with an idiot. "I already said who I was and what my name is. But I think you mean to ask who I am. Well, fear not, I will tell you. Because I'm proud to let anyone know that I am none other than Hachiman Hikigaya's only friend. Hahahaha! And my sacrifice is the best, because I died so that my comrade, Hachiman Hikigaya, could become the most powerful man in the entire universe. Basically, my death gave him the motivation to become a hero, a legend, an icon, a god! Now bow down before me and worship me as the true ruler of Hell. Hahahaha!"

Everyone was confused, but Itachi Uchiha asked the most important question. "Why are you in Hell?"

Immediately Yoshiteru Zaimokuza fell quiet and Maze started laughing like a lunatic.

"He's an otaku." Maze stated. "An otaku always ends up in Hell."

Eren Yeager voiced his confusion. "What's an otaku?"

Maze shivered, feeling revolted. "Be glad you never find out. Now Itachi," Maze said in a husky voice. "How about you keep me some company while I torture some people."

Itachi Uchiha finished his vodka. "It would be my pleasure, mistress."

"Ooh, I love it when you call me mistress." Maze said seductively.

But this was Hell

And nobody got laid in Hell.

"Bloody Hell!" Lucifer Morningstar snarled. "I had enough of you, Itachi Uchiha. I don't need you charming the leather pants off my Mazikeen. She has been falling behind on her duties and I am seriously considering taking away her title as the most skilled torturer hell's ever known. Shame on you Itachi Uchiha! You have broken my Maze!"

Itachi Uchiha stared blankly at the Devil. "What are you gonna do about it?"

Lucifer Morningstar was furious. "I'm thinking, I'm going to send you back to Earth. Begone you manwhore!"

And just like that Itachi Uchiha got out of hell and was back on to the land of the living. He was back in Konoha. And his first thought after taking his first breath of fresh air was –

"I should tap Sasuke in the forehead and tell him I'm back."

Uchiha Residence.

The door bell rang.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Sakura Haruno shouted.

Oh Sasuke, you are finally back, she thought, like a woman deeply in love with the man of her dreams. Are we finally going to do it this time or are you gonna leave me all alone and I have to work extra shifts at the hospital, treating jerks like Naruto and Hachiman Hikigaya.

But she opened the door.

And as you would expect,

It was not Sasuke Uchiha.

"Hello there. You must be Sakura. I wonder if you remember me. I'm Sasuke's older brother."

Damn, why are all the Uchiha men so freaking hot, Sakura thought. Also -

"Um, why are you wearing Naruto's clothes?"

For the first time in a long while, Itachi Uchiha felt embarrassed. "It's a long story. I was dead. In Hell. But the Devil kicked me out for making sweet, sweet love to his demoness. You know, what they don't tell you after you spend an eternity in hell, is that when you finally come back to the land of the living, you show up completely naked. You might not know this, but I'm a very shy person, Sakura. So I borrowed these clothes from a fellow Konoha shinobi, who told me he was Sasuke's best friend."

Sakura Haruno let out a sigh. "I don't think Naruto would just give up his clothes and run around butt naked in the streets. Even if you are Sasuke's brother."

"There might have been a small disagreement."

Sakura winced. She didn't dare to think what Itachi Uchiha considered 'a small disagreement'. Sasuke might think his brother was a good guy, but Itachi had still killed all the members of his clan back in the day. That really happened. So as you would expect Sakura Haruno was a bit wary around the Clan Killer. But Sakura was Sasuke's…something and Itachi was Sasuke's older brother, who had come back from the dead and as a doctor, she had to check him out.

Medically of course.

"How can I help you Itachi?" Sakura began.

And Itachi Uchiha started to take off his clothes.

Damn, why were all Uchiha men so hot, Sakura thought.

"I just needed to take a quick bath." Itachi told her as he went to the bathroom. "They don't even have showers in Hell."

Despite knowing better, Sakura chuckled. "Well, it is Hell."

Itachi Uchiha also cracked open a small smile. "You are a nice girl, Sakura."

Many Years Later

"Mom, you can tell me. I'm a big girl now. I can handle it." Sarada Uchiha said to her mother Sakura Haruno-Uchiha. "Are you my real mother?"

Sakura sighed. Really, it was tough being a mother.

Thank God, there was wine.

"Yes Sarada, I am your real mother." Sakura was too tipsy to care.

"Okay mom. I trust you."

A laugh.

A drink.

"You know, it's funny, you never ask me who your father is?"

Swallow.

A beat.

Oh shi-

"What?"

"Nothing Sarada, do your homework and go to sleep. Goodnight!"

A/N (1): I had no idea this fic would get so many reviews – and all the interesting ideas everyone sent – I just want to go crazy and use all of them. I used a few ideas in this chapter as well. Hope you like it.

And now, to address the elephant in the room – I know this fic lacks substance and doesn't have any plot. But that is the purpose of this fic. Have you seen the title – "Guilty Pleasure"

I just want to write some silly stuff which I think is really funny and you have to suspend your disbelief to really enjoy it. If you want substance, check out the fics in my other account : "Betrayed Dreams -Lite"

Also, you have no idea how crazy things can get.

Check out this omake which I thought was too silly to make the final cut.

Enjoy!

Omake

Many, many years later -

In a galaxy far, far, away –

"Sarada, I am your father." said Itachi Uchiha who nowadays went by the moniker of Darth Vader.

"…"

Huh.

"Oh, I accidentally chopped off her head with my lightsaber." Itachi Uchiha AKA Darth Vader observed.

"Were you even going for the hand?" Hachiman Hikigaya, The Emperor said.

"…"

"I will take that as a no." Hachiman shook his head. "Well, now it's official. You have killed the entire Uchiha clan."

"Sasuke-" Itachi began.

"Sasuke killed himself when he found out you were Sarada's father." Hachiman recalled.

"…No." is all Itachi said.

Hachiman was hoping it would be a big 'no', really loud and dramatic, but he was left disappointed. But there was a silver lining –

"Sakura Haruno is still alive." Hachiman said.

And Itachi Uchiha, the Darth Vader went -

"Yes!"

A/N (2): Yeah, I can go nuts. Also, who should feature in the next chapter – Gaara OR Natsu Dragneel.

As always please feel free to share your ideas with me and I will try to turn them into a funny chapter. And please suggest more characters – both male and female from shonen anime in the review.

Hope you had fun with the chapter.

Take care.