Dean gave up on love a long time ago. The day he left Lisa and Ben in the hospital, he knew that it was too dangerous to feel that way about someone.
So when Jack brings Cas back, Dean is honest with him.
It happens a Thursday. Dean is scrambling some eggs, waiting for Sam to return from his morning run. Everything is quiet except for the low sizzling from the pan.
Then Miracle suddenly lifts his head, fluffy ears lifted high, and seconds later he takes off down the hallway, barking.
"Miracle? Damnit!" Dean pushes the pan away from the heat and grabs the gun that always rests by his back.
Dean knows all of the dog's barks by now, and this is not his happy 'Uncle Sam is home!'-bark. This is his 'Stranger danger'-bark. This is the bark that everyone he first meets are greeted with, until Dean lets him know if they are good people or not. Dean hates this bark, but he especially doesn't like it today, because he didn't hear the front door open. No one has made their presence known. None of the bunker's alarms have gone off. Dean is immediately in red alert, and the part of his mind that knows nothing good ever lasts, tells him that this is it. This is what he has been waiting for. Chuck is back.
He enters the library with his gun raised, following the continuous barking from Miracle. But instead of finding a short, curly-haired man, he finds messy dark hair and a long flowy trench coat. The man is pushed up against a bookcase, hands in the air, as he insecurely tries to calm the agitated dog that is barking and growling at his legs. "Good dog. Nice dog. Good, good dog."
"Cas?"
Despite the name leaving Dean's mouth as nothing but a whisper, the man turns his attention from the dog to Dean, and his face immediately transforms into something impossibly soft. The face of a man who never thought he would get to see Dean again. "Hello Dean."
For one, weak second, Dean believes that it's really him. That Cas is actually standing in front of him. He looks right, he sounds right. But Cas is dead. And whoever is wearing his face is about to get a magazine full of new breathing holes. Dean gathers himself and raises the gun from where his arms have unconsciously lowered it towards the floor. "I don't know who the hell you are, but you have some nerves coming here looking like that. You have five seconds to say your last prayer before I rip those nerves out and strangle you with them."
Dean's growl only makes Miracle even more agitated towards the stranger, and he raises his bristles. One word from Dean, and he will latch on to the imposter's leg, keeping him where Dean needs him in order to land his shots.
"Dean, please. It's really me. If you just-Could you please ask the dog to stand down, so we can talk?"
Dean shouldn't. He really, really shouldn't. But, damnit, what if… "No. You can't be him."
And then Cas says the magical words. "Please, Dean. I know it is difficult for you to believe that I'm back, but… Good things do happen."
Dean almost feels dizzy hearing those words again. How could anyone else know that? Anyone but… "Son of a…" He pushes out the air that he has been holding to take a steady shot. He lowers the gun, just a little, and gives a short whistle. Miracle gives one last bark before returning to Dean's side, still eyeing the stranger in the room.
Cas immediately relaxes, letting his hands slowly fall to his sides. "Thank you. Dean, I-"
"Don't. You know the drill." Dean walks towards one of the places where they stock weapons in the library, digging out a silver knife. He slides it on the table towards Copy-Cas, not trusting himself to get too close to the man yet.
Cas picks up the knife without reacting to the metal. He slides the blade down the inside of his hand, but the wound closes immediately in a soft, golden light.
Dean freezes at the sight. Only one creature that he knows of can do that. Is it really… Or could it be another angel, taking Cas's form? Like Lucifer taking on his voice? But why would they do that? And with Jack in control, there's no way he would let the angels play such a cruel trick.
"I believe this is the point in the process where you pour holy water on me." Cas brings Dean out of his stupor.
Dean looks at Copy-Cas, standing there, head held high. One of the most powerful creatures in existence, patiently waiting for Dean to splash water in his face. But is that really enough to convince Dean? If this is Chuck or something just as powerful, silver and holy water won't even tickle them. No, if he is going to be sure, there's only one thing that will convince him. Dean swallows hard, already feeling his throat close up. "No. Just… Last time… The last time the real Cas was here, alive, he told me something. Something that… I didn't know. And that no one else knows, 'course I never told anyone, so…"
While Dean babbles, Cas starts to smile, and he cocks his head a little, and it is all too familiar. If this isn't Cas, Dean might just have to put some a Alastair's lessons to good use to punish this creature for giving him hope.
"I told you what a good man you are. I told you how everything you do, you for love. I told you how you have changed me. But most importantly, I told you that I love you." Cas speaks slowly, clearly, and with absolute conviction.
Dean's breath hitches at the familiar words and the memory they bring back. "Holy crap, it's really you."
"Yes, I am… really me." Castiel spreads his arms, showing himself to Dean, before dropping them again, as if that will prove the point.
"Holy crap." Dean barely registers that he has moved before he has his arms around Cas's shoulders. Jesus, he is so solid, alive, breathing, right here. And Cas hugs him back. His embrace is softer than Dean's but there is still a desperation in how his hands grabs the checkered flannel on Dean's back.
Dean isn't sure how long they stand there. He doesn't care how long it is. He doesn't care about how his eyes water and maybe some of the moisture slips and rolls down on Cas's trench coat. He doesn't care that he lets out a choked sob when a weight, that he didn't know he was carrying, lifts from his shoulders, making everything lighter and maybe, just maybe, a good thing just did happen.
Finally, Dean pulls back to look at Cas, really look at him, and check if he is uninjured. He moves his hands over Cas's shoulders, arms, face while his mouth can't stop talking. "You're back, you're really back. I can't believe it. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine, Dean." Cas just stands there and lets the older Winchester do whatever he needs to do to be convinced that the angel is real. "Jack made sure to bring me back in mint condition, as you might say."
"Jack, huh? Six months as God, and he's already done more good than Chuck did in thousands of years." Dean is finally done examining Cas, so he takes a step back, rubbing his hands over his face to remove any trace of the treacherous tears. He sniffs and then tries to collect himself. "Mint condition, huh? So, you got your angel mojo back?"
"Yes, Jack gave me my grace back."
"Awesome. That's awesome."
Before they can say anything else, Miracle starts barking again. But this time, it's 'Uncle Sam is home!', and shortly after the dog starts barking, the front door opens, and Sam enters the bunker. Dean gleefully studies the evolution in Sam's expression as it goes from 'Happy runner' to 'Dean is not alone' to 'this can't be real' before Sam finally speaks out loud. "Cas!? Is it really you?"
Cas nods at the younger brother. Sam still looks a little sceptic.
"I checked. It's really him." Dean tries to sound calm and collected, as if he himself had not completely freaked out when he first saw Cas again. "See, this is the stuff you miss out on when you go running before breakfast."
Sam ignores his brother and all but jumps down the stairs to hug the angel. Dean thinks he hears some subdued sobs from Sam, which only makes him even happier. Sam is damn happy and relieved to see Cas too. He lets them hug it out for a few moments before he interrupts. "Alright, alright, step away from the angel. You're sweating all over him. Take a shower. You stink."
Sam immediately steps back. "Oh, right. Sorry, Cas. It's just so great to have you back. I can't believe it."
"It's alright, Sam. I am very happy to see you too." Cas smiles. For a moment, they all three just stands there, looking at each other, as if taking in any and every change that might have happened the past 6 months. After a little while, Cas states; "I see you got a dog."
"Hah, yeah. Cas, this is Miracle. The best dog in the whole, wide world." Dean coos and rubs the dog's head. "And Miracle, this is Cas… My best friend in the whole, wide world." The last sentence falls a bit delayed and is not much more than a whisper. Dean expects Sam to call him out on showing his softer side, but Sam just smiles wider at Cas, agreeing with the statement. At his owner's approval, Miracle steps closer and sniffs at Cas's coat.
"I always wanted a dog, but Miracle has really taken to Dean, and the other way around." Sam gestures at Dean and Miracle with a smirk. "He even lets him in the Impala."
Cas looks surprised from where he is carefully petting the dog's head. Dean rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have Sam's princess hair all over the car anyway. At least Miracle is house-trained."
And just like that, they seem to fall back into old patterns. Sam hurries to get a shower, and Dean goes back to discard the first batch of eggs and start up a new one. Cas follows him to the kitchen and just watches Dean with a content smile.
Dean still can't believe it. He keeps looking over his shoulder to check if Cas is still there. It's too easy. Too good to be true. And yet, Cas still sits at the kitchen table every time he turns around.
Dean owes him so much. Ever since Cas left, despite being the greatest loss in their battle for freedom, Dean has done his best to be the man that Cas thought he was. To live up to the ultimate sacrifice of his best friend.
Dean owes him so much, but most of all, he owes him an answer.
Dean turns around to say something but is stopped by the sight of his best 2-legged friend talking to his best 4-legged friend.
Miracle gives a couple of soft whimpers at Cas, and Cas nods solemnly while carefully scratching Miracle behind the ear. "I know. I appreciate you trying to protect him."
"You talk to dogs now?" Dean asks.
"Only if they talk to me. And Miracle here was so kind to apologise for barking at me. He was only trying to protect you. He is very loyal."
"Yeah… We found him right after you…" Dean stops and clears his throat.
Cas nods. Miracle whimpers again, and Cas smiles the kind of smile that hides a laugh.
"What? What's he saying?" Dean is suddenly afraid what the dog might reveal about him.
"He asks why he is not allowed to sleep in your bed." Cas raises a challenging eyebrow.
"Because it's unhygienic with all the hairs everywhere." Dean exclaims at Miracle, which for some reason only makes the dog look more hopeful, whimpering again.
"But you allow him in your bed in the morning." Cas translates, still with a knowing smirk.
"That's different, that's'… You know what, you can sleep in Sam's bed, how about that?"
Before Miracle can evaluate the offer, Sam steps into the kitchen. Cas, the damn snitch, tells Sam about Dean's plan, and Sam immediately takes the offer off the table again.
They have breakfast. Dean might go a little overboard when he learns that Jack has gifted Cas with functioning taste buds. The angel happily tastes everything, methodically tasting it individually and then together in every possible combination of eggs, bacon, pancakes, maple sirup, toast, butter, tomatoes, cereal, milk, peanut butter, and jelly.
Somehow, the day passes with food tastings, sharing stories from when they defeated Chuck and the months that have passed since. Sam asks Cas about his plans, and Dean is secretly happy that he didn't have to raise the question, but he is also terrified of the answer. He holds his breath as Cas takes too much time to answer. But the answer is simple: He doesn't know. Jack has given Cas the same freedom he has gifted Sam and Dean, and Cas doesn't know what to do with it yet.
Dean doesn't know whether he should feel relieved for not. It's great to know that Cas doesn't have to leave right away. But given this freedom, he can leave. In a minute, in an hour, tomorrow… And Dean can't have that. "You can stay here. If you want. You have your own room, and you could come hunting, if that is still something you want to do."
"Yeah, you're always welcome here, Cas." Sam concurs, and Dean secretly thanks his brother for agreeing so quickly.
Sam is looking at Dean with annoying warmth and affection, so Dean keeps his eyes on Cas. That isn't much better. Cas has this soft smile and Dean can't ignore the adoration in his eyes anymore. "Thank you. I think I would like that."
"Good! That's decided, then." Dean empties the beer he's been nursing.
"Great. Now, I think I'll go to bed. See you tomorrow, guys." Sam gets up, dropping his own empty beer bottle in the recycling bin.
Dean mumbles a 'G'night' and Cas bids him a proper 'Goodnight, Sam'.
Dean makes sure that he can't hear Sam's steps in the hallway, and then counts to ten, and then takes a deep breath before broaching the subject that has been dancing in his head all day. "Listen, Cas. We need to talk… About what you said, you know, when…"
When Dean falters, Cas cheekily says; "I believe you are referring to when I told you that I love you."
"Yeah, yeah, that… Uhm, do you still? I mean…" Oh God, Dean would rather take on Chuck again than have this conversation.
"Yes, Dean. I still love you."
"Alright… That's, uh…"
"Dean. I still mean everything I said. I do not expect reciprocation. I finally accepted and embraced my feelings for you. That is all that matters." Cas says it so simply, so plainly.
"Dude… You can't just say stuff like that." Dean rubs his face.
"You are the one who wanted to talk." Cas smirks.
"Smartass." Dean chuckles, releasing some of the tension. Then he takes a deep breath. Come on, Winchester, just get this over with before you grow ovaries. "Alright, here goes. About what you said. I, uhm… I don't… I'm sorry, but… Damnit, Cas, I don't love you. Not like that. But I care about you, of course, I care about you. But like family. Cas, I'm so sorry…"
"Dean, please stop." Dean realises that he has closed his eyes. He opens them slowly, afraid that he will find a very disappointed angel in front of him. But Cas is still smiling. "I know. And it's okay."
"No, it's not. You deserve better than this, Cas."
"So do you, Dean. And now it seems like we have all the time in the World for both of us to find what we deserve."
Dean blinks, a bit surprised. Does Cas think he is not good enough for Dean? That's just messed up. But Dean can't really say that because it's not like they are going to be together, so… "Yeah, maybe…"
Cas starts fidgeting with his coat sleeves. "I hope my admission doesn't make you uncomfortable. I don't want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, especially not in your own home-"
"No, Cas, don't." Dean waves a dismissive hand between them. "I can't guarantee it won't be a little bit awkward from time to time, but… This is your home too. I want you to stay here. We'll work it out."
Cas looks down at his lap with a small smile. "Alright. Thank you."
Dean fishes for something else to say, but this is already becoming too chick flick for him, so instead he pushes his chair back. "Great, that's enough touchy feely talk for the next decade. I'm going to bed."
Cas looks up at him with an even brighter smile. "Goodnight, Dean."
"G'night, Cas."