It was now Sunday evening, and while I had been having a lot of fun with the musical - I was grateful to have a day off.
Tyler was cool to work with, a great "boss," (although it felt weird to use that word in this context because overall it felt like all three of us were on an equal level when it came to decision making). The musical Tyler had written was also phenomenal.
But I was genuinely surprised at how much I enjoyed working with Jesse. He valued my opinion, and would sometimes even direct the actors to me if they had questions about choreography or vocals. He also turned out to be much funnier than I ever remembered. During our "preparation" period each evening before the actors would arrive, Jesse and I found it hard sometimes to stop laughing once one of us would crack a joke, much to Tyler's annoyance, although sometimes he would join in.
I had spent the day doing almost nothing. I worked out in my apartment's gym, but after showering I took it easy - watching TV, reading, and journaling.
I felt pretty relaxed, but I still couldn't stop thinking about my upcoming therapy appointment with Jesse. On one hand, I could see it helping us move forward in our relationship, but on the other hand, I worried about something happening to cause tension between us again. I closed my eyes. Why did I always do this? I always worried about the worst possible outcome of things, when there was nothing I could do except wait and see what happened.
Eventually I went to bed and fell asleep rather quickly.
*
The next morning I went through my usual routine: brushing my teeth, washing my face, breakfast, getting dressed. I made sure to text Jesse the address of Dr. Adler's office and asked if he was still able to come today.
His response was an instant, "yep!"
The time arrived for me to go and I headed out. I was trying to focus on the road and nothing else to ensure I got there in one piece. Fortunately, Dr. Adler's office was only about five minutes away.
I met Jesse in the parking lot - he arrived shortly after I did. We greeted each other and made our way into the building. I checked in, and took a seat next to my brother.
At 10:00 on the dot, Dr. Adler entered the lobby. She recognized me and I introduced her to Jesse. We followed Dr. Adler into her office and took a seat on the couch.
"It's so good to see you again, Annie. And Jesse, it's so nice to meet you. Annie and I spent the last appointment talking a little bit about your family background. I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to discuss regarding that?"
"Well…" Jesse shifted uncomfortably in his seat while looking at me.
"I…growing up, it didn't take long for me to realize that my parents favored me over Annie and our brother and sister. As a kid, I loved it. It made me feel special - and boosted my ego. I would tell Annie, Maggie, and Eddie that Mom and Dad had told me that I was their favorite child but this wasn't true. They didn't have to tell me - it was obvious. It was obvious to me, and it was obvious to my siblings. And I remember…relishing in my siblings' facial expressions as I told them this," Jesse was starting to get teary-eyed and I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen my brother cry.
"Looking back now though, I just cringe. I managed to push all three of my siblings away. I'm hoping that Annie and I can continue to work through our past issues and have a healthy sibling relationship but I think it might be too late for my relationships with Eddie and Maggie. And right now…sometimes I wonder how much longer they…have."
I swallowed hard. Sometimes I thought about this too. Maggie had certainly made improvements in her road to recovery, but Eddie was having a much harder time and Rick and I braced ourselves for "that" phone call every day.
"Annie," Jesse turned to me. I jumped, startled out of my thoughts about Eddie and Maggie.
I turned to look back at him.
"I'm…I know I already said this, but I am…so sorry about the…absolute hell I put you through for the past nineteen years. I remember being so jealous of you, Maggie, and Eddie because of how close you all were. I can remember walking into the room, hearing you all laughing and then when you all realized I was there, you would stop and just avoid looking at me. At the time I was offended, but looking back, why the hell wouldn't you have reacted like that? I had been nothing but an ass to all of you," Jesse continued.
Dr. Adler, who had been silent up until this point turned to me and asked, "Annie, do you have anything you would like to say about what Jesse just said?"
I sighed deeply. I was also getting emotional. "I remember being mad at you. Hell, I remember hating you. And I remember telling you that many times. But I wish I had realized that, while yes, it was understandable that I was angry with you, I should've been more angry at Mom and Dad than I was. They managed to create such a toxic environment for their children despite almost never being there," I said.
"It took me way too long to realize they didn't give a shit about me, either," Jesse replied. We sat in silence for a few moments.
"The two of you have already made a lot of progress in your relationship - and by yourselves, I might add," Dr. Adler smiled. "That's…incredible. I've had clients with family feuds just a year or two in the making who have a harder time burying the hatchet. But for the two of you to be at odds for nearly two decades, yet have the level of maturity and insight you both have exhibited, as well as a mutual desire for conflict resolution, is really admirable. Oh, wow, we're getting close to the end of the appointment, and while I would like to continue to work with Annie individually, I would also like to have you back Jesse, and we can start to figure out ways to help you both heal.
"I'd like that," Jesse looked at me. "Assuming my sister would like me back."
I smiled. "Absolutely."