[ending A, part 1]
Gaara call Kankuro over to talk about something, leaving the both of them with a broken heart.
Gaara has to cope with it, but end ups sucked in.
Kankuro was on his way to his brother's house, something the Kazekage had acquired to have more space for himself and be alone. Well, part of it was also so they could hide more easily their relationship, using the pretext of diners to stay until late at night or drinking too much to stay over. They had become close brothers to the eyes of many over the years, so it wasn't such a surprise to these people.
Yet, the puppeteer felt like this time something had been off about the way Gaara had invited him. He would normally be pretty excited, yet all he could feel was some apprehension as if he had been called over for something bad. But it couldn't be that, could it?
He entered directly when he arrived, calling out to the redhead to announce his arrival. He was joined by his brother pretty quickly, the man not looking so good. He frowned a bit, worried that something might be wrong. He went to give him a kiss on the forehead, the man looking nearly worst after he did so.
"is something wrong?" he finally asked, cupping his cheek with one hand, a thumb gently rubbing his skin. He saw and felt the redhead lean a bit more into the touch, only the move away from it after, looking away.
"We need to talk about something," he said seriously, only raising the anxiety level in his brother. He turned around before Kankuro could even add anything, his posture looking stiff and a bit shaky, "Let's take a seat" he simply suggested before disappearing into the kitchen.
The brunet followed him, trying to calm his nerve down. He wanted to put all this on a bad joke Gaara was making, but this wasn't something his brother would do. His attempt at joke wouldn't make him feel like his world was probably about to fall apart. He wasn't that good with emotion that he could fake the look in his eyes when he finally joined him.
In the kitchen Kankuro took a seat at the counter, letting the man make them some tea as if to leave them more time before what he wanted to talk about. He was given his tea with shaky hands, Gaara retracting before he could try to calm him down, standing on the other side while holding tightly on his own teacup.
"What did you want to talk about?" finally ask Kankuro, his voice less confident that he would have liked it to be, his smile visibly forced. Yet Gaara wouldn't look at him, his tea apparently rather interesting.
"We need to end this".
He froze at the words, the teacup halfway to his lips, his eyes widening as he understood what he meant by that. "Wait, hold on, why so suddenly, did I do something wrong?" he asked, quickly putting the teacup down so he could stand up.
"You didn't do anything wrong" Gaara tried to reassure him, his hands starting to shake more, "We just... we can't keep on going on, we shouldn't have started it in the first place". His voice was shaky, breaking at the end. He loves his brother so much, he didn't regret doing anything with him, but he knew deep down this wasn't something they could keep on doing.
The puppeteer quickly made his way around the counter, trying to join his brother to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay, but he nearly tripped over when sand pinned his feet to the ground. He looked back up at Gaara, sand running across his skin as if he was looking for comfort in it, still not looking up, eyes starting to water.
"You know we can't keep going, we are going to be found out one day" the redhead pointed out, putting away his own teacup, as he was holding it too tightly. He couldn't bear the idea that if they were to be found out, Kankuro would also bear the consequences and he didn't even want to think about what the consequences would be.
"W-We just needs to be more careful," said Kankuro, feeling helpless as he couldn't join his brother, this situation not going the way he liked. "You know this isn't necessarily the problem" the Kazekage replied, looking up with pleading eyes for him not to make it harder than it had to be.
The brunet knew it wasn't necessarily the problem. They did nearly got found out in the past five years, always managing to slip away from suspicions. The problems came from the clan, even more now that Temari was married to Shikamaru. They wanted an heir from Suna and unless Temari were to divorce and remarry with someone from here, they were the ones who needed to do that. They couldn't just keep going like this without anyone wondering why exactly they were still not getting married.
And keeping this up if one of them was to get married would be even worst. Surely, this would end up being found out one day. Plus, neither of them would like to drag someone into a marriage with no love in it whatsoever.
Kankuro ended up closing his eyes, taking in a shaky breath as he understood there wasn't anything they could realistically do to make it work for decades to come. He then tried to force his feet out of the sand, something not impossible as his brother wasn't putting his all to keep him in place. "Is this really what you want to do?" he asked.
His heart tightens when he saw the teary eyes of his brother, the man frowning at his question, looking pained. "Of course not," he said, voice breaking. "But we don't-" he tried, tears starting to roll down his cheeks, his sentences staying unfinished, yet they both knew what he meant.
But we don't have a choice.
Kankuro managed to get to him, tightly hugging him in his arms, as if scared he'd run away. The Kazekage went to hide in the crook of his neck, trying to keep in his sobs despite not managing to do that, clinging to his brother as he did so. Kankuro couldn't help but start to cry too, his face paint getting smeared against the side of Gaara's head.
He went to gently kiss the side of his head, hearing Gaara weakly calling his name in warning. "Please, just... just this one last time" he pleads, keeping him more tightly in his arms, "Just today, I promise I won't ask more and I will do as told". He would go along with Gaara wish to go back to what they should have stayed at all this time. He knew it would never be the same, but they had to do it anyway.
Gaara indulged him in this last request, as he needed it too. He needed at least one last time with his brother, on last time where they could love each other the way they wanted to. One last time before they needed to play the good brothers who never stepped in such taboo territory.
And this is how Kankuro dragged them to the redhead bedroom, carefully taking off his clothes. After some time they had become more used to faster and rougher sex, something they both enjoyed rather well. Yet, this time, Kankuro made sure to go slowly, to drag the pleasure as much as possible, wanting to make love to him with his full affection. As if going slower wouldn't bring quicker the end of this relationship. Gaara accepted him more than once that night, falling asleep in arms that were protectively hugging him.
Then he woke up to an empty bed, the place next to him already cold from Kankuro leaving, a vague memory of one last kiss given to him when he was half awake. He couldn't help but cry silently in his now too-big bed, trying to hug himself with his arms and sand.
Despite what they had promised and agreed on, this ended up not being the last time they ever found each other. Old habits were hard to kill and the pull was sometimes too strong, managing to squeeze a quick moment where the would follow this need to feel the other.
Clearly, this couldn't go on and this lead to Kankuro putting a request letter on the Kazekage's desk. Gaara was at first a bit confused by what he had just brought him without a word, before slowly frowning. "What is this?" he asked, despite his eyes very clearly seeing what it was.
"A request to be promoted to the Anbu rank," Kankuro said, not daring to look him in the eyes. He could already feel his brother getting agitated and that his request was not something he had anticipated. He saw that Gaara was about to refuse, so he simply cut in before he could "We can't work this close forever" he pointed out, knowing it would be strange and out of character for Gaara to suddenly ask for someone else to work closely with him. "We will never stick to... our agreement," he said, looking for words that could be said here, "Getting promoted will have me working away more often but also give me the time to try and forget..." he added, trailing off without finishing his sentence, as he knew he would probably never be able to forget.
The Kazekage closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath as he took everything in. It was indeed a good plan to make it works, didn't meant he liked it. Having to send Kankuro on dangerous and possibly even deadly missions wasn't something he liked either. He would probably still be assigned as his bodyguard when travelling, which would leave them at least some time where they could meet.
It was probably better like this, it would also leave the redhead more space to push away these feelings. He knew despite that he would never give what the clan wanted, not interested in getting in a loveless relationship with a woman, but at least it wouldn't stop Kankuro from finding someone. He knew the man didn't really mind who his partner was, he had heard of his previous relationship.
"I see" he simply said, finally opening his eyes, trying to hide the shakiness of his hand under the desk, "Then you will be promoted to the Anbu rank". He would need to pass an aptitude test, but they both knew the man could easily pass it and would soon be able to take on a mission.
And this happened like planned, Kankuro now far away from him, leaving Gaara with a gaping hole in him.
He didn't manage to take this as well as he thought he would, unable to fill in the gap left behind, the aching for a body against his. He had once decided to sneak out at night, using a transformation technique to hide his identity, looking for a man that bear similarities with Kankuro. This was the start of his badly choose coping, finding some short relief in the sexual act. It was a rather tricky game, as he needed to hide his identity, but also because he tried not to get swiped in, only for this to happened.
What was trying to find someone once a month when the feeling of missing the brunet too much became a nearly weekly thing to do. At least he had found a couple of people he could go back to, rather than always search for someone.
Then he had to go to Konoha for an undetermined stay to help with some problems. It was good to have his close friend around this often, he was able to put this need to the back of his mind while Naruto was dragging him around when the day was off.
But at some point, the need was too much, Kankuro not even at his side this time, and he needed to find someone. It was a bit harder to do in Konoha, as people from the two villages bear differences in their features. Sure, it wasn't by much, but enough to make it he couldn't really find someone that could help him. He had to go out four nights before finding someone that might do.
This wasn't missed by the Hokage, wondering what his friend could be doing out in the middle of the night. On the last night, he decided to follow him, frowning in confusion when he saw him use a transformation technique. He wondered if the man maybe had a mission to do inside and forgot to ask him, yet when he saw what section of town he was going to he started to discard the idea rather quickly.
The idea that Gaara would try hooking up with someone wasn't something he was able to actually believe. Not that he believed his friend to be a pure child who never did anything, but it sounded so unlike him to try and find someone at random, or at least he believes it to be at random.
He then followed him around, using a jutsu too so he wouldn't be spotted too easily. It didn't take a long time before his friend found someone that seemed to fit his taste, following him under his umbrella as they went to find somewhere they could be alone.
The blond was going to stop his following around, not wanting to intrude either. Just knowing why his friend had been sneaking out at night was already a bit to take in, he didn't need to become a voyeur either. Yet he was stopped in his track when he heard his friend voice raising and a fight starts.
Gaara had indeed found someone that seemed right, following him. Yet, a pang of guilt decided to hit him, somehow wondering what the fuck he was doing right now when away from home. It felt wrong to do this here when under his friend care. Not to help, the man didn't seem like he wanted to let him go, sending him in a panic. He was about to use his sand when a voice interrupted them.
The man was going to snap at whoever had joined, only to pale when he saw who exactly was there, quickly letting go of the man to run away. Naruto was seriously tempted to run after him, yet his friend still look shaken by what happened and making sure he was alright was his priority.
Gaara couldn't believe his friend had saved him, wondering what he could be doing out at night, especially when it was raining. Still, he remembered he was supposed to be a random citizen, polity thanking the blond for saving him.
"Cut the facade, I know it's you Gaara" Naruto then said, making his friend tense. The Kazekage seemed to hesitate, before finally lifting the jutsu, starting to hug himself a bit as the cold rain was starting to be too much and his sand couldn't be used to comfort him. The redhead didn't dare to look up at his friend, feeling ashamed of himself in a way. Truly he shouldn't be doing this here, even less when it was to fill something his brother had left behind.
"Gaara" Naruto called out more softly this time, getting closer to his friend, "Is everything alright? You have been looking a bit off since you got here" he admitted, "I don't mind if you want to find a one night stand" he pointed out, "But this seems so unlike you".
This only made the man feel worst, knowing it wasn't something he would have ever done in the past. He tried opening his mouth to speak, only for nothing to come out, looking as though he was about to cry instead. This was something the blond wasn't used to and he wasn't sure how to help him either. He gently placed his hand on his back, trying to nudge him forward "Let go back to my house and get you in warm clothes, you can tell me if you want to tell me" he then suggested.
The redhead accepted, following him back to his home, not refusing the warm shower he was suggested either. Only when he was alone under the warm water did he left himself go, crying as he wasn't sure what he was doing anymore, too much going on inside of him. Yet, when he went to joined his friend, this time in warm and dry clothes, the blond didn't comment on that, only offering him warm tea.
"Do you want to talk about it?" asked the Hokage as he looked at his friend silently sipping his tea. He thought it wouldn't happen when he finally heard him start "I... don't know what I am doing" finally admitted Gaara. The blond simply nodded, showing him he was listening. "I, umh... got with this person I talk to you about" he explained.
Naruto tried to remember, a memory of Gaara telling him the person he was in love with couldn't be with him because he was older, a man and had a rank too high like himself to really get with him. That and the redhead had been sure he would never reciprocate his feeling. He felt like he should be happy about hearing his friend had been able to get the man he loves, yet the situation of tonight made this joy die rather quickly, understanding something had happened.
"It didn't work out?" asked the blond, trying to help him a bit in his story. The Kazekage expression changed about, telling him it wasn't exactly that. "Not that it didn't work out... we just... couldn't keep going" he explained. The blond was a bit confused as to why they couldn't, but then he remembered what his friend had explained about Suna and the general non-existent acceptation of same gender relationships. Both being high ranked, Gaara the Kazekage even, and from different age was clearly not something that could be found out.
"It was just too risky so we had to stop," Gaara said, his voice wavering, the memory of the break up too fresh in his mind. Naruto didn't know what to say, feeling like there was so much he was missing from the context, yet all he could do now was try and help his friend.
"Were you looking for a replacement?" he asked, starting to understand what this wad most likely about. His friend looked away, nodding slightly to answer now. "one time... I tried filling the hole it has left behind" admitted the redhead, "it… kind of worked, but then I was left with the same emptiness so I tried again and again".
And this is where it had led him, feeling desperate to fill that hole when he was missing Kankuro too much, unable to put his emotion in any other way than imagine the person with him was his brother. He couldn't even say it was something he like, sometimes it was painful, not that pleasurable and these men didn't have the care his brother had. At the end of the day, he felt like this was simply going to hurt him more than anything else.
The blond nodded at this new information, feeling sad that this is how his close friend was feeling. "I suppose doing that isn't bad if this is what you want," he said, to clarified he didn't think of him badly for it, "But be careful please, I don't want to learn something bad happened to you because of a man like tonight," he asked, worried that something like this might happen again. "thank you for earlier" he heard whispered, making him smile a bit, "Well I couldn't stand on the side when my friend is in trouble".
Then the silence came back, Naruto drinking his tea as he waited to see if his friend wanted to talk more. He was just as fine with staying here without talking, knowing Gaara wasn't one to like being touch, he would wait for him asking. He knew the redhead was a bit more difficult to deal with when it came to rather emotional subjects, but he could work with it.
"I'm tired of doing this" the Kazekage suddenly admitted, looking as tired as what he said he was, "I-I don't want for it to become more of a need, and I don't want for him to worry about me if he learns about it". Kankuro would hate to know his brother felt like he needed to find someone to replace him, that he was doing things he might not want to be doing.
And it wasn't just Kankuro, Temari had caught onto it too, not on what exactly, but she saw something was off with him. Now that Kankuro wasn't always there, she would help him more, hence being more often with him. His mood had clearly been going down in the past month, yet she couldn't find what to do to make him feel better.
"Well, we could try and figure something out" slightly smiled Naruto, his friend finally looking up at him. "If this is something you do not enjoy, it would be better to stop doing it, I can help you find something else". It would be better than sleep around with people he barely knew simply to fill a void that would come back in the morning.
The blond finally saw his friend gave him a small smile, looking reassured.
Reassured that his close friend didn't think anything bad of him after knowing. Reassured to have someone to help him out a bit. Reassured that there could maybe another way to deal with this.
The redhead relaxed a bit, nodding at his suggestion whispering a "let's do that".