Honestly, I have no idea what happened to the disclaimer that tells everyone that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just some fun and fluff that came out of my tiny brain.
My Night With Mother
"Who could that be?" Archer grumbled as he went to get the door in his apartment. He had taken off his coat and tie. "It can't be dinner. I just ate out. And I know I didn't order any hookers."
He opened the door to find his mother staring at him. "Sterling," Mallory sighed. "Have you completely lost all your training? You didn't even bother to check if there was an assassin at the door."
"And hello to you too, Mother," Archer said acidly.
"Are you going to let me in?" Mallory asked.
"I don't know," Archer quipped. "I'm waiting for an assassin to come around."
"Oh, very droll Sterling," Mallory walked in. "You're home awfully early."
"Well as you said I have an assassin coming over…" Archer looked at her. "What do you want?"
"What makes you think I want anything?"
"The same way I know the sun will come up," Archer told her. "The tides will rise. And the Motion Picture Academy will nominate some artsy film I never even heard of for Best Picture. It's inevitable. What do you want?"
"What?" Mallory asked. "Can't a mother visit her son and spend some quality time with him?"
"Other mothers maybe…" Archer paused. "You? Doubtful."
"Believe it or not Sterling," Mallory put her purse down on a nearby chair. "I didn't come here to fight with you."
"You're right," Archer remarked. "I don't believe it."
"What I don't believe is that you're home before ten on a Friday night," Mallory looked at her son. "What happened? All your call girls move onto new sugar daddies?"
"For your information Mother," Archer told her. "I simply had a nice dinner out and then I thought I'd have a quiet evening in."
"Struck out, didn't you?"
"Like The New York Mets in 92," Archer groaned. "You know I was sure I had a date for tonight but at the last second she decides to go back to her husband!"
"What is this world coming to?" Mallory clucked her tongue. "Well then that means we can spend some time together. What do you say Sterling?"
"That depends," Archer paused. "Am I going to need a lawyer after tonight?"
"Sterling," Mallory sighed. "That time you spent in the coma…"
"Sabbatical," Archer added quickly.
"Has made me realize," Mallory pressed on. "We may not have much more time together. Especially with the way you drink."
"Right back at you Mother," Archer remarked.
Mallory pleaded. "Can we at least have one night together that's somewhat pleasant? Is that so much to ask?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Archer asked.
"I want to be honest with you," Mallory told her son.
"That will be a first," Archer remarked.
"That whole coma business scared the hell out of me," Mallory told him. "I almost lost you. I just want…some time together. Where one of us isn't completely unconscious. Please?"
"Wow," Archer blinked. "You actually said the P Word. You're serious, aren't you?"
"Like it or not Sterling," Mallory sighed. "We're all we have. My husband is gone. You completely blew it with Lana and your daughter. And my so-called friends have turned on me like the jackals they are!"
"There it is," Archer folded his arms. "What happened? Wait, didn't you have some kind of lunch to go to?"
"I did," Mallory waved. "A ladies' luncheon at the Women's League. For possible new members."
"Didn't you get kicked out of that club at least twice?" Archer asked.
"They let me apply again," Mallory admitted. "But honestly after the subpar lunch I'm not so sure I want to go back there again. That club isn't what it used to be. Especially after a bad flu season killed off the few members I actually liked."
"What did you do?" Archer asked. "And does it relate to why you're here?"
"So suspicious," Mallory sniffed as she took a drink.
"Can you blame me?" Archer asked. "Mother for half of my life you've ignored me and then used me for the other half. You almost never do anything unless its for your benefit. Including spending time with me!"
"I spent three years by your damn beside while you were in a coma!" Mallory shouted. "Making sure you didn't die by assassins or bad healthcare! HOW THE HELL WAS THAT TO MY BENEFIT?"
They both looked at each other. "Damn it," Archer sighed. "Well you can see why I'm suspicious right?"
"Well," Mallory sighed. "Perhaps that should change? I know I've made lots of mistakes in the past Sterling. But I do love you. You believe, that right?"
Archer sighed. "Of course, I do. Well I guess a few hours won't hurt."
"Good," Mallory brightened. "There's this movie going on in a few minutes and I hear you have one of those streaming things we can watch."
"It's not a Hallmark movie is it?" Archer asked.
"Oh God no!" Mallory grimaced. "Those things have more sugar than one of Cyril's candy bars."
"Good," Archer breathed a sigh of relief. "What movie is it?"
"An Exclusive Murder," Mallory told him. "It's about a husband and wife that move into an exclusive townhouse on the Upper East Side and have to figure out which one of their neighbors is a serial killer. With the help of their wacky maid who secretly runs a sex dungeon."
"Oh, a fun family movie for all ages," Archer quipped.
"Get the drinks," Mallory told him. "And some popcorn."
"You are actually consuming carbohydrates?" Archer asked.
"I told you that lunch was horrible," Mallory shrugged. "Drinks first."
"Obviously. So basically, you're here to bum a streaming movie off of me?" Archer asked as he went to the bar.
"Why would I pay over 15 dollars a month for only one movie I want to watch?" Mallory asked.
"Can't fault the logic in that," Archer shrugged. "And it's not exactly the worst reason you've ever had for spending time with me. At least this time no one got murdered."
"The night is still young," Mallory remarked.
"And you aren't," Archer said as he gave his mother a drink.
"Look who's talking! Okay Boomer!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "This is supposed to be a good movie. It stars that actress I like. The one who isn't a complete whore."
"Oh, I know who you're talking about," Archer turned on the movie. "Yeah she's good. And that guy from all those comedy movies in the 70's is in it. He's funny."
"Yes, so bring on the popcorn," Mallory ordered. "And I want light on the butter. And light on the salt. If I find there's too much salt I'll rub it into your eyes!"
"Now I know how Woodhouse felt," Archer grumbled as he went to get the popcorn.
About an hour and a half later Archer and Mallory had finished the movie. "That was a good movie," Archer remarked. "I liked it."
"I could tell," Mallory said. "You barely talked during half of it."
"And you barely criticized the actors," Archer remarked. "And none of the plot."
"My favorite one was the one who played the maid," Mallory nodded. "I mean obviously I wouldn't hire a maid like that in real life."
"Unless you wanted to run a sex dungeon," Archer added. "Or solve a murder. Or clean up after one."
"But that's what makes it fiction," Mallory shrugged. "I think she was the best one in the whole movie."
"I have to agree with you on that," Archer looked at the time. "It's only 11:30? Wow. It didn't feel like it."
"That movie went a lot faster than I thought," Mallory admitted. "I could watch another one."
"I could drink another one of these," Archer finished his glass.
"So could I," Mallory indicated her empty glass.
"Damn I miss Woodhouse," Archer grumbled as he got her empty glass along with his own.
"Well if you didn't go through valets like toilet paper you would still have one!" Mallory snapped. "You realize I'm still paying bills for the last three valets I hired for you?"
"Hey to be fair," Archer pointed out as he went to get the drinks. "I'm not the one who made one of them run through a gauntlet of lasers!"
"No," Mallory admitted. "I admit that incident was a bit overkill."
"Almost a literal kill," Archer added.
"But you were responsible for the other two," Mallory snapped. "Seriously Sterling I know change is difficult for you but at least you would have had a valet. But because you had to be a difficult ass now you have none. So, get used to taking care of yourself. Because I'm done with it!"
"Yes, Mother," Archer sighed as he made the drinks.
"I mean it Sterling," Mallory told him. "One day you aren't going to have me around anymore. And then you'll be sorry. You'll regret all the pain you put me through!"
"I regret a lot of the pain you put me through," Archer grumbled under his breath.
If Mallory heard him, she ignored it. "Well you can't say I didn't warn you. So, when it happens I don't want you to whine and sulk like you usually do."
"Yes, Mother…" Archer sighed as he gave her a drink. He then he drank the drink he made for himself.
Mallory decided to change the subject. "What did you have for dinner tonight?"
"Why?"
"Just curious," Mallory shrugged as Archer sat down to drink. "Was it at a place I know? Not Pita Margarita's again."
"I wasn't in the mood for Mexican so no," Archer told her. "It was at Romano's on 34th Street."
"Oh, that's a nice place," Mallory remembered. "I haven't been there in ages."
"Well you haven't missed anything," Archer told her. "I've had Ragu that tasted more robust than the sauce. My drinks had more water in them than Hoover Dam. And you don't want to know the state of the garlic bread."
"Oh dear," Mallory frowned. "What happened?"
"Apparently the original owner died and the family sold it to some new owners," Archer paused. "Swedish I think. Which explains the herring in my lasagna."
"Well that saves me a trip," Mallory sighed. "I can cross it off my list."
"Of restaurants you like to eat at?"
"Of restaurants I need to get back at," Mallory corrected. "Romano's overcharged me for a meal once and one of their clumsy waiters stained my new coat."
"Well the good news is you don't have to do anything to take Romano's out," Archer told her. "The way that food is odds are it will close within the year."
"It is serendipitous when people and things you hate destroy themselves," Mallory smiled. "When was the last movie we watched together? And I'm not counting that ridiculous Placebo Effect snuff film you made."
"I don't know," Archer paused. "Usually you just dropped me off at a movie theater and went off somewhere. Like when I was eleven you sent me to watch Animal House."
"I thought it was a documentary about a zoo," Mallory admitted.
"Well it was certainly educational," Archer quipped. "Just not in the subject you wanted."
"Honestly it got you out of my hair for the afternoon," Mallory waved. "And considering the animals that we work with it probably was educational."
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Archer remarked. "But I actually had fun tonight."
"Me too," Mallory admitted.
"This is actually the nicest night we've had in…" Archer paused. "Ever. Is that weird?"
"If it was anyone else, it would be," Mallory sighed. "I suppose now is as good a time to tell you as any. I've revised my will and left the majority of my fortune to AJ."
"Eh," Archer shrugged. "I left her everything in mine. With a few mementos to a few people."
"A few trinkets to a few whores?" Mallory asked.
"I left a something to Pam," Archer admitted. "And Lana. And Cheryl. Even something to Krieger, Ray and Cyril."
"I stand by my statement," Mallory scoffed.
"Like you're one to judge," Archer looked at her. "I remember Uncle Buddy's funeral. And his will reading."
"Not one of my better romances," Mallory admitted. "Oh well I got a nice necklace out of it. Even if I did have to wrestle it from the clammy hands of his wife."
"To be fair you had a mean sleeper hold back in the day," Archer shrugged.
Mallory took a drink. "You're taking this news surprisingly well."
"What? I should be upset that my daughter will be provided for?" Archer asked. "I figure I'm going to end up with The Agency anyway. So…"
Mallory paused. "Okay let's go with that. Assuming there is an agency left in the future."
"You mean if Cheryl burns it down?"
"That's one possibility, yes," Mallory decided to change the subject. "So new topic…Wait, you actually left something to Cyril Figgis in your will? Besides some cruel insults and a humiliating let down?"
"Don't spoil the surprise," Archer looked at her.
"Never mind," Mallory waved. "What was I going to say?"
"Maybe it's best you don't say it?" Archer cautioned. "Neither of us has a good track record with conversations."
"Especially you," Mallory told him. "I can't remember. Oh well it couldn't have been that important."
"Maybe your mind is going?" Archer remarked.
"Excuse me?" Mallory snapped. "My mind is like a steel trap. If anyone's facilities are hampered it's yours. With all that you drink."
"Speaking of which…" Archer went to get another drink. "I need a refill. I'm assuming you want one."
"In a bit," Mallory sipped her drink. "You need to learn to pace yourself."
"Since when do you pace yourself when it comes to alcohol?" Archer asked as he poured himself a drink. "If drinking was a sport you would be Joan Benoit."
"Touché," Mallory nodded. "Oh. Now I remember what I wanted to say! What do you want to do for Thanksgiving this year?"
"The same thing I do every year," Archer told her. "A couple of hookers when I go to Vegas. And you visit some boyfriend or charity or take a vacation somewhere."
"I just thought it would be nice if we had Thanksgiving together," Mallory shrugged as she finished her drink.
"You were right earlier when you said it wasn't important," Archer told her as he walked over with his drink. "Since when are you hung up on Thanksgiving?"
"Since I spent three of them sitting by your bedside," Mallory told him. "Eating second rate turkey dinners. And a surprisingly good pecan pie."
"Mother we haven't had a Thanksgiving meal together since the year with Uncle Buddy," Archer told her. "As I remember, the turkey you insisted on cooking was frozen. Woodhouse was missing for some reason so I had to get the drinks. Uncle Buddy was drunk and you two fought until his wife showed up. Then you three fought until he had the heart attack. When the paramedics arrived things really started to go downhill."
"Definitely not one of my better romances," Mallory remarked. Then she took Archer's drink away from him and started drinking it herself.
Archer made a face and went back to the bar. "Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed riding in the ambulance. And I got a halfway decent turkey dinner when I found the buffet they were giving to some patients and the staff. Now that I remember they did have a good pecan pie."
"You had three slices of it and threw up on a doctor," Mallory remembered. "You never did know how to do things in moderation."
"And remember the year before that?" Archer asked.
"Oh God, Thanksgiving with Bub," Mallory blanched. "I can still hear your grandmother's belching and screams in my ears."
"Is she still alive?" Archer asked as he finished his drink.
"Who knows?" Mallory shrugged.
"My point is," Archer decided it was best to sip his drink from the safety of the bar. "Why the hell would you want to go through all that again?"
"I've been feeling a bit sentimental lately," Mallory sighed. "It comes from realizing that our time together is limited."
"If Bub is coming to this dinner our time will be very limited," Archer told her.
"Sterling this is going to be a nice family Thanksgiving," Mallory told him. "There's no way in Hell I'm inviting your grandmother or any of our other relatives to it."
"Are you cooking?"
"Are you kidding?" Mallory looked at him. "I learned my lesson with the frozen turkey from Siberia. No, we'd go out to a nice restaurant."
"Then I'm in," Archer shrugged. "Why not? But not Romano's."
"Agreed," Mallory nodded. "I'll make the arrangements. All you have to do is show up. You can manage that can you?"
"Will there be alcohol?"
"Of course."
"I'll be there with bells on," Archer finished his drink. Then started to make another one. "So what movie do you want to watch next?"
"I'm not sure," Mallory picked up the remote and flipped through the channels. "Most of these I've either seen or don't want to see."
"Well I don't want to watch anything depressing," Archer told her. "If I wanted to see that I'd just turn on the evening news."
"The same goes with drama," Mallory remarked. "Our lives have too much of that as it is."
"One more comedy on deck," Archer quipped as he made his way to the couch. "Which one?"
"Well nothing too stupid," Mallory remarked. "That reminds me of the office. Something with intelligence and wit. But not too many swears. Or nudity. Again, I get that at the office."
"TCM has Bringing up Baby," Archer took the remote and looked at the channel guide.
"That's basically a less violent version of Cheryl with a different cat," Mallory groaned. "Pass!"
"Here's another one," Archer looked at the guide. "Raye and Mae Go To Central Del La Faye."
"If I watch that I will go to my purse and get my gun to blow up the TV," Mallory told him. "I saw the previews. They remind me way too much of Cheryl and Pam."
"Okay how about this one?" Archer pointed. "Hocus Pocus. Or do you not appreciate witches being shown in a negative light? Like it's an unfair representation for your people?"
"I admit I like Bette Midler much as the next gal but no," Mallory waved. "Besides for some reason Sarah Jessica Parker reminds me of Gillette."
"Tell him that," Archer said. "He'd be thrilled."
"Oh, look at this one," Mallory pointed. "Failure to Launch. About a grown man who refuses to grow up and is completely dependent on his parents. Sound familiar?"
"The Grinch," Archer pointed to another one. "Your autobiography."
"Dumb and Dumber," Mallory looked at Archer. "Need I say more?"
"Hot Pursuit," Archer remarked. "How you go after dates."
"Can't Buy Me Love," Mallory remarked. "But as you well know Sterling, you can buy an incredible simulation of it."
"While We're Young," Archer read. "Well that one's too late for you."
"Pee Wee's Big Adventure," Mallory attacked. "So that's what you call your penis."
"The Spy Who Dumped Me," Archer attacked back. "Into a boarding school or camp. Every chance she got!"
"For Your Consideration," Mallory pointed. "Something which you never gave me!"
"Hang on," Archer held up his hand. "I want to see that one."
"Me too," Mallory realized. "I like Fred Willard. Fire her up!"
Later the following morning…
"Ugh," Archer yawned as he woke up from the couch. "What happened?"
"You passed out," Mallory told him as she stood over him with a drink in her hand. "I told you. You're not handling your drinks like you used to."
"You're still here?" Archer asked as he sat up. "What time is it?"
"Time for you to get up and get your own packages," Mallory snapped. "Come to the kitchen. Some delivery person left a thing for you."
"Did you make any coffee?" Archer groaned.
"By that I'm assuming you mean I turned on your Keurig," Mallory looked at him. "Yes. Why did you get that thing?"
"Because I want a personalized small cup of Irish Coffee whenever I want," Archer said as he staggered into the kitchen and made his way to the machine.
He put the coffee pod into the machine. Then made the coffee. As the coffee was brewing he pulled out a bottle of scotch from the cabinet. The coffee was finished and he poured the contents of the scotch into the coffee. "Voila! Good to the last drop!" He had a drink.
"What the hell is this?" Mallory pointed to the box on the kitchen table. "It says it's from Ultimate Burrito."
"Oh good, my breakfast order is here," Archer opened the box and pulled out a wrapped breakfast sandwich. "Still warm!" He sat down with his coffee and started to eat.
"You get your breakfast sandwiches by the box?" Mallory looked inside as she sat down. "Sterling there must be over twenty sandwiches in here!"
"I found it was easier to order weekly," Archer explained as he ate. "Get a whole week's worth of breakfast sandwiches and stick 'em in the refrigerator. Heat 'em up when I need them. It only takes less than two minutes. And the burritos are better heated up the second time."
"Good God there's more cholesterol in here than at Burger King," Mallory winced. "What's the special order called? Heart Attack in The Box?"
Just then the doorbell rang. "Who could that be?" Archer asked as he finished his coffee.
"Well there is one way to find out," Mallory gave her son a look.
"Fine! I'll get my own door!" Archer snapped as he stormed out of the kitchen. "Like a middle-class person!"
Archer opened the door to find a dark-skinned man and a red-haired woman at the door. Both wearing causal clothes. "What?"
"Sterling Archer?" The red-haired woman showed her badge along with the man.
"Yes," Archer paused, realizing this did not bode well.
"I'm Detective Diamond," The woman introduced herself and the man. "This is my partner Detective Soto."
Archer groaned. "Great. Is this about the lemur? Look that thing wasn't even mine! My dead valet owned it and it escaped! So, if it bit someone, technically he's responsible! I know he's dead. But that doesn't mean I automatically get all his stuff. I think he left everything he owns to a veteran's place or something. That means they own the lemur. That's their problem! Not mine! Got it?"
"Is your mother here Mr. Archer?" Detective Soto asked.
"Oh God what did she do now?" Archer groaned. "Let me guess? She threatened another waiter who wouldn't give her more wine? Set fire to someone's mail? Cut down another neighbor's tree?"
"Is she here?" Detective Diamond asked patiently.
"Right this way," Archer motioned dramatically. "MOTHER! WE HAVE COM-PANY!"
"Sterling what is going on?" Mallory sighed as she entered the living room the same time the detectives did. "Hello?"
"Mallory Archer," Detective Diamond asked. "I'm Detective Diamond and this is Detective Soto…"
"What did you do now?" Mallory snapped at Archer. "For God's sake Sterling did you get drunk again and crash your car into another public building? Or is it about one of your hookers threatening to press charges?"
"This time it's for you," Archer glared at his mother.
Detective Soto spoke up. "Ms. Archer do you know an Honoria Von Glossop?"
"Unfortunately, yes," Mallory scoffed as she sipped at her drink. "Oh what? Did she send the cops on me because I once parked in her precious parking spot at the club? I was only there for ten minutes and she never even uses it!"
"She's not going to use it anymore," Detective Diamond told her. "She's dead."
"Really?" Mallory gasped. "Honoria is dead? Well I can't say I'm surprised. With all the cholesterol in her body I'm surprised she survived this long. The woman ate everything with butter. Including butter."
"Actually, she was poisoned," Detective Diamond told her.
"Food poisoning?" Mallory asked. "Again, no surprise there. Honoria was never exactly a picky eater. I once saw that woman take half eaten Halloween candy from the garbage and gulp it down like a starving Irishman at a potato farm."
"Arsenic actually," Detective Diamond told her.
"One of your friends died of arsenic?" Archer looked at Mallory. "How shocking. And completely unexpected. Unbelievable."
"That Honoria was murdered?" Mallory asked.
"Yes," Archer said dramatically. "Simply unbelievable!" He stood behind the detectives a bit so that they could not see his face. Which had briefly contorted into a glower.
Detective Diamond looked at Mallory. "I understand you fought with Ms. Von Glossop a lot."
"Detective everyone fought with Honoria Von Glossop," Mallory explained as she sat down on the couch. "The only difference is that I'm honest about it."
"That's what my mother is known for," Archer gave his mother a look. "Honesty."
"Where were you last night?" Detective Soto asked as the detectives sat down on chairs opposite of her.
"I was here," Mallory waved. "With my son. We were watching television. Talking about trivial things like my will and family and all that. I realized I had too much to drink. So, I stayed the night."
"Seriously?" Archer looked at her. "You? Having too much to drink?"
"I didn't eat enough yesterday," Mallory gave him a look. "It happens. Ask Sterling. I never left the apartment."
"It's true," Archer decided to go with it. "She was passed out like a washed up prized fighter. One minute she's talking. Next minute. Wham! Out cold on the floor."
"Yes, well…" Mallory tried to act dignified.
"I mean she was out," Archer went on. "Drooling all over the carpet like…"
"That's enough, Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "They get it!"
"You have to forgive my mother for being cranky," Archer smiled. He went over and patted his mother's shoulder patronizingly. "The poor old gal can't handle her scotch like she used to."
"Look the point is that I was here all night," Mallory snapped. "You can even check the security camera tapes."
"We will," Detective Soto said. "We already checked the tapes of the Women's Luncheon the other day."
"Oh," Mallory paused. "That."
"What did she do?" Archer asked.
"It was just a little spat," Mallory waved.
"You threatened to cut her open with a knife," Detective Diamond told her.
Mallory rolled her eyes. "I said maybe somebody should cut open her body and let some of the fat out of her ears! Since she obviously had so much she couldn't listen that well! Not specifically me!"
"Ms. Archer…" Detective Diamond began.
"I wasn't even holding a knife when I was fighting with her," Mallory went on. "I mean some people take things so literally."
"Would you like to tell us what happened?" Detective Diamond asked.
"Oh, Honoria was being her usual bitchy self all day," Mallory waved. "Going on and on about this new fad she was trying. The virtues of these giant fish oil pills and how she has to take one with every meal. We were in the ladies' room and of course Honoria was blabbing on her phone. She was one of those people who had to talk while doing their business. Disgusting habit. She shoved her gargantuan purse into my stall. I moved it just a tiny bit and the next thing I know she's screaming about how I'm trying to steal her purse!"
"I remember that purse," Archer realized. "Like you could do that without a forklift."
"That's what I said to her!" Mallory told him. "Anyway, she and I went at it. We never liked each other. We left the ladies' room still fighting right up to my table. I may have said a few things in the heat of the moment. And thrown a few sweet rolls in her face."
"I would have loved to have seen that!" Archer snickered. "Is that how you got banned this time?"
"Those women have no backbone at all in that club," Mallory sniffed as she took a drink. "Sterling dear, Mother's drink is empty. Get me another vodka and tonic."
"It's 9 O'clock in the morning," Detective Diamond blinked.
"And some toast," Mallory added.
"Detectives I'm pretty sure my mother didn't kill Glossop the Gloop," Archer told them. "The only things she can kill are her liver and my will to live."
"We would still like to ask more questions," Detective Diamond told them.
"Why are you questioning me?" Mallory asked. "I had no reason to kill her other than the fact that I hated her. And if I killed everyone I hated the morgues would be full from here to New Jersey. I wasn't in her will so I had no need for her inheritance like her family. A parliament of vultures if there ever was one."
"We've met the family," Detective Diamond looked at her partner.
"Then you know what I'm talking about," Mallory looked at them. "How her brother still carries a grudge that Honoria got almost everything in the will? Including the family business? How her surviving sister complains constantly that Honoria stole her boyfriends and allegedly killed her dog? How her children constantly chafed at Honoria's vice like grip on their lives? Where they could live. Who they could date or marry. What her grandchildren should even eat? As if she was a judge on that!"
Mallory looked at her son. "Sterling, you have no idea how lucky you are to have a mother that doesn't control your life like Honoria did."
"Right," Archer drawled. "That must be Hell."
Mallory went on. "I wasn't fighting with her over money like her business partners. I certainly didn't have a grudge over a business deal gone wrong like Tippy Eastview. Well technically that was her late husband that orchestrated that fiasco."
"What fiasco?" Detective Diamond asked.
"Don't you know?" Mallory asked. "I thought everyone knew about…? Short version, Honoria and Mr. Eastview went into business together for some real estate deal. She edged him out. Eastview lost millions. Tippy never forgave Honoria for that. Well that and the rumor that Honoria slept with her husband. And that her youngest son is actually his."
"I know," Archer scoffed at the looks on the detectives' faces. "It's like Dynasty around the Upper East Side."
"Speaking of which," Mallory looked at her son. "I'll have an Joan Collins instead minus the Joan."
"In other words," Archer sighed. "Straight vodka. I think I'll get myself one too."
"If I were you detectives," Mallory warned as Archer went to get the drinks. "I'd station a police officer around that family when the will is read. No matter which way the will goes…Odds are at least someone will be very unhappy and willing to shed a little blood to get it. Seriously, I have seen some brawls at will readings that would rival the bar fights in Road House."
"Who else had a grudge against Ms. Von Glossop?" Detective Soto asked.
"Who didn't have a grudge against her?" Mallory asked. "Even Trudy 'I'm a Saint' Beekman got into a fight with her over potential misuse of the treasury funds of the Women's League. Apparently, Honoria didn't believe in honor among bitches."
"Wait," Detective Diamond held up her hand. "Ms. Von Glossop was accused of embezzlement?"
"More than once," Mallory told her. "Of course, she was never kicked out because of all the influence her family has had in this city. Let me guess, you interviewed Trudy Beekman and she forgot to tell you that little tidbit, didn't she?"
"She didn't mention that," Detective Soto admitted.
"But she had no problem trying to finger me for knocking her off," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Typical. At least when I stab someone I like to do it to their faces. Metaphorically of course."
"From what I've heard," Archer spoke up as he walked in with two drinks in his hand. "More than half the city will be celebrating her death." He gave Mallory one of them. He started to drink the other.
"And the rest will be trying to get their hands on her fortune," Mallory added. "I may not be a police officer, but I know human nature. Follow the money. You'll find dozens of people who had a better motive than I did."
Archer thought of something. "Didn't she have a cousin or something she had a feud with?"
"Her niece actually," Mallory told him. "Chasity Flagstaff Northwind. They used to be close a long time ago. Chastity saw Honoria as a second mother. Probably why she didn't take it well when Honoria got her mother's house in the will and evicted her on that very same day. I mean Chasity was thirty-five and has a place in the Hamptons, but still…"
Mallory took a sip of her drink. "She got Honoria back by sleeping with her second husband. And one of her business partners to take over one of her many companies."
"So much for that namesake," Detective Diamond gave her partner a look.
"Then Honoria blackballed her niece from one club," Mallory shrugged. "Chasity and her husband sued Honoria. She sued them back. Yada, yada, yada…It's been going on for at least a decade now. I wonder who gets the house now? It was a nice house. Before Honoria got her hands on it and ruined it with that ridiculous covered patio."
"I think we have enough," Detective Diamond said diplomatically.
"Tell me," Mallory asked. "How did she die? Facedown in some dessert? Driving and keeled over? Oh, come on Detectives tell me! It's not like I won't hear about it later."
"She was swimming in her indoor pool at around 10 last night," Detective Diamond admitted.
"In the nude as in her custom?" Mallory smirked. "I feel sorry for the forensics team that had to haul that beached whale out of the pool."
"Then it couldn't have been Mother," Archer told them. "She got here shorty before ten."
"And since Honoria lives in that house in Laurelton…" Mallory remarked. "Which is at least forty-five minutes from here. Minus the traffic. And since arsenic is a fast-moving poison according to my mystery programs…"
"With her body weight?" Archer asked. "The poison probably took about an hour to get her. Which means she probably ate something earlier."
"Don't tell me," Mallory waved. "Let me guess. Something conspicuous as a box of chocolates? That's probably where the poison was. Since you need large amounts to kill someone that fast it was probably empty. Was she eating alone by the pool?"
"Actually, she was…" Detective Soto coughed. "Entertaining with someone."
"So, who was her latest boy toy?" Mallory asked. "And is he in the will?"
Detective Diamond's phone rang. She answered it. "Yes? Really? All right. Then…Oh. I see. Thanks Dan."
She hung up. "They reviewed the security tapes and they prove you got here before ten. And didn't leave."
"Told you," Mallory waved. "Follow the money."
"They also found an empty can of arsenic in Von Glossop's garden shed," Detective Diamond told her partner. "With no prints."
"Sorry to take up your time," Detective Soto apologized as they prepared to leave.
"Oh, don't be sorry," Mallory said cheerfully. "It was worth it to learn Honoria is dead. And in such a ghastly fashion."
"Nothing like a nice murder to brighten my Mother's day," Archer quipped before he took a drink.
"Oh, and I'll have something to do this weekend," Mallory added. "This is going to be a fun funeral! Sterling do me a favor and get some of the tabloids that come out tomorrow morning. The ones that show the murder photos. I can't wait to see Honoria's bloated corpse!"
Archer finished his drink and looked at the detectives. "Such a nice sweet old lady, isn't she? Hey Mother, maybe tomorrow Trudy Beekman might go on a rampage at her club and stab half of them to death?"
"Oh, now you're just getting my hopes up," Mallory waved. "Like Beekman would do anything involving exercise. From the neck down."
"Okay we've heard enough," Detective Diamond groaned. She and her partner couldn't leave fast enough. "Again, sorry to bother you."
"I'm sorry you had to deal with her," Archer quipped. "You were lucky she's in a good mood today. She's normally not this pleasant."
At that the detectives gave each other a look. "Why do we always get the nut jobs?" Detective Soto groaned as they went down the hall.
Archer waited until after he closed the door and the detectives were in the elevator, well out of hearing range. "Okay," Archer asked his mother. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do birds sing so gay? Why do you think?" Archer snapped. "I get why you picked me to be your alibi. You've been doing that for half of my life. But why kill Von Glossop?"
"Besides the fact she was an odious woman who helped blackball me from the Women's League and so many other important clubs?" Mallory asked. "And badmouthed me behind my back every chance she got?"
"Yes! Why?" Archer snapped. "Because if that was the reason Trudy Beekman would have been dead long before now!"
"True," Mallory shrugged. "All right. This goes no further. For years myself and certain organizations have suspected Honoria of secretly backing several white supremacist groups. Including Nazis during the war! But she always had people protecting her. Mostly because she paid them."
"That's why you killed her?" Archer gasped. "Because she was a secret Nazi?"
"Yes," Mallory took a drink. "Well that and I really didn't like her. She kept blackballing me!"
"There it is," Archer groaned. "How did you know I'd be home tonight?"
"I admit it was a fifty-fifty shot even after I called your date and convinced her to dump you tonight," Mallory waved. "Oh, don't look at me like that Sterling. It wasn't going to work out anyway. And I paid the bartender at Romano's to warn all the women away. Didn't take as much as I thought it would. You really should tip your bartenders better Sterling."
"Wait? You…Followed me?" Archer was stunned. "How…?"
"Sterling again," Mallory rolled her eyes. "I've been spying and sneaking around before you were born. And you tend to be a bit oblivious. Besides I really didn't want to use my backup plan for an alibi."
"Pam?" Archer guessed.
"Cyril actually," Mallory told him. "She's the backup for my backup."
"Unbelievable," Archer groaned. "And you're not worried that the cops might…?"
"Sterling the cops now have half a dozen decent suspects that are all rich white racist bastards," Mallory told him. "And with all the arsenic I planted in all the gardening sheds at their estates odds are one of them will be stupid enough to get convicted of it."
"How did you kill her?" Archer asked. "Sneak off in the middle of the night?"
"Of course not," Mallory looked at him. "I really did stay here the whole time."
"Then how?"
"In the ladies' room at yesterday's luncheon I managed to swap Honoria's fish oil pill with an arsenic laden slow release gel cap," Mallory explained. "Added with a special blend of untraceable fast acting poison inside the gel. The gel cap dissolved exactly around the time I showed up at your apartment."
"Giving you an alibi," Archer realized.
"And of course, the evidence was destroyed," Mallory added. "Leaving only the arsenic. I've used this sort of weapon over the years. It's very effective. And impossible to trace."
"How would you know she would take the right pill?" Archer asked.
"She had one of those daily pill things in her purse," Mallory remarked. "It was so easy to switch out the pills. Honestly, I could have stolen half the items in Honoria's wallet she was so engrossed in that damn phone. I had to cough loudly three times and practically kick the purse onto her fat foot before she noticed."
"Wait you purposely picked a fight with Honoria?" Archer did a double take. "Why?"
"Have you learned nothing in all these years in the spy game?" Mallory sighed. "Don't answer that. One, I knew when she died the cops would seek me out as a potential suspect anyway. This way they would come to me first so I could plant the ideas of other suspects into their heads."
"Like Trudy Beekman and her other relatives," Archer caught on.
"Exactly," Mallory nodded. "Sometimes the best way to hide is within a crowd. And with all the people Honoria's double crossed over the years, that crowd could fill up Yankee Stadium."
"What was the other reason?" Archer asked.
"I really wanted an excuse to throw rolls in Honoria's fat face," Mallory grinned. "It was worth getting blackballed again for that!"
"And this is why we don't spend more time together," Archer sighed as he went to pour himself a drink. "God Thanksgiving is going to be a bitch."
Archer then had a horrible thought. "Knowing her, she probably has a plan to wipe out half of the Upper East Side!"