"Well sirs, I'd say that was a successful supply run," Kryten said as they travelled back from the moon Hanahax V on Starbug.
"So long as nobody minds eating nothing but spaghetti hoops for the next decade," Lister said, lighting a cigarette.
"Next time, can we go to some place that has a great surplus of tuna, or salmon? Maybe mackerel or anchovy?" the Cat said, smiling to himself at the thought. "Any sort of fish, really. All the fishies are good to eat, big ones, small ones, medium ones. Oh yeah!"
"What have I told you, beggars can't be choosers," Rimmer said, shaking his head. "We're out here in space millions of light years away from our solar system, what can you expect?"
"It'll be all right, I've got some madras sauce and some-" Lister coughed "-poppadoms. That'll make it-" He coughed again, this time bent double holding his hands over his mouth. "-edible," he finished. Then he took a drag on his cigarette.
"Lister, did it ever occur to you that you should perhaps think about stopping smoking?" Rimmer said.
"No," Lister said. "Why?"
Rimmer just stared at him. "No reason."
Lister opened his hand, which he had closed around something he had coughed up, and to his surprise it looked like a bright orange-red flower petal. Thinking he must have been mistaken and it was something that had gotten attached to his clothes instead, he brushed it off onto the floor.
Starbug landed, and the rest of the crew got out of their seats, but Lister remained seated and started coughing again.
"Bet he's trying to avoid helping unload," the Cat said.
Rimmer nodded.
But they all rushed back to the flight deck when they heard Lister cry out in shock. Red petals were cascading from in between his fingers.
"Where'd you get those from?" the Cat asked.
"Where do you think? They came out of me mouth!" Lister said.
"Were you eating flowers, Lister?" Rimmer said, then turned to the others. "I told you we shouldn't have turned our backs on him."
"No, I wasn't eating them! They just kinda came up."
"I hate to take sides, but I do believe for things to come up they must first go down," Kryten said.
"I told you, I've not been eating flowers! I don't have any idea where these came from," Lister said, brushing the petals off his hands onto the floor.
The Cat jumped backwards in case one might touch his shoe.
Lister got up and followed the others off Starbug. As they transported the crates of spaghetti hoop tins onto Red Dwarf, Lister had to stop to cough twice. The first time he brought up a couple of petals, but the second time everyone stopped to watch as he hacked and coughed for a terrible amount of time, finally producing an entire red poppy, complete with stem and leaves.
"He has been eating flowers," the Cat said.
Lister looked at the poppy in his hands in disbelief, twirling the stem around. "What is this? What is going on?" He showed Kryten when he came back with the empty trolley.
"Very nice, Mr Lister," Kryten said.
"It's not when I yacked it up," Lister said, looking worried.
"He did," Rimmer said. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."
"Oh dear. This isn't something that humans are supposed to do. Perhaps you picked up some kind of bug down on the moon?" Kryten suggested.
"Looks more like a flower to me," the Cat said.
"He meant like a virus," Lister said. He turned to Kryten. "You don't think it's serious, do you?"
"We'd better get you down to the medical bay and give you a thorough check-up," Kryten said.
"Yes, it might be contagious," Rimmer said, taking a step back away from Lister.
"Contagious? I'm outta here!" said the Cat. He pirouetted on the spot and got out of there fast.
Lister sat on the bed in med bay while Kryten and Rimmer ran tests on him.
"From what I can gather, there seems to be some kind of obstruction forming in your lungs, which you consequently expel by coughing," Kryten said.
"They're coming out of my lungs? No wonder it hurts so much!" Lister said.
"I told you you should stop smoking," Rimmer said.
"Actually, sir, I don't believe there is any record of cigarettes ever causing this kind of illness," said Kryten.
"Holly, can you see if there is anything in your memory banks about flowers forming in people's lungs?" Rimmer asked.
Holly came onscreen. "I can have a look," she said. After a few moments, her expression grew very serious. "Oh yeah, that'll be it. Oh no, that's not good."
"What?" Lister asked.
"Hanahaki disease, first detected on Hanahax III and spread to the neighbouring habitable moons," Holly said. "It says it's a deadly contagious airborne virus, oh but here it says it doesn't affect everyone."
"Well that's good," Lister said.
"Not for you, Dave. Once you've got the symptoms of coughing up flowers or their petals, you're a gonner."
"What? No!" Lister said, staring at Holly in disbelief. "Hol, you gotta be messing with me."
"'Fraid not. Once patients experience symptoms, unless they can be cured, they die."
Lister coughed and spluttered out some more petals. "So what's the cure, then?"
"That's where it gets a bit more complicated. You see, not everyone gets affected by Hanahaki disease. Only those who experience unrequited love."
Rimmer scoffed. "Sure you've not got a book of fairy tales mixed up with the medical notes, Holly?"
"No I haven't," she said. "The only way to cure this disease is to have your feelings returned by the object of your love, to make it impossible for your feelings to be returned, or to stop loving them."
"Right. That's easy. Stop it, Lister," Rimmer said.
"You what? You can't just turn your feelings off like a tap," Lister said.
Rimmer shook his head. "This must be about that girl you liked, huh? Kochanski, Kochanski, Kochanski. She was all you'd talk about at one point. It really did get on my nerves."
"Kochanski? But I haven't thought about her in ages. She's dead," Lister said with a sigh. But then something occurred to him. "Wait, if I'm sick, does that mean that Kochanski's still alive somewhere out there?"
"I'm afraid, sir, unless she has been hiding in a cupboard the whole time, you might be out of luck," Kryten said.
"Yeah, that sounds unlikely. Holly? Could she still be alive?" Lister asked in hope.
"Sorry Dave," Holly said, "Kochanski died in the radiation leak along with the rest of the crew. And if I understand this right, with Hanahaki disease, having feelings for dead people doesn't count. The Hanahaxians figured out that if they're dead they can't return your feelings."
"So, what we have to do is figure out who you're in love with and kill them," the Cat said as he appeared in the doorway.
Kryten looked at him in horror. "But sir! We can't do that!"
"Aren't you afraid of catching the disease, Cat?" Rimmer asked.
"Why would I be? It only affects people who don't have their love returned, right? My true love returns my feelings, no doubt about that!" the Cat said, taking a mirror out of his pocket and blowing himself a kiss.
"So, since murder is out of the question, what we need to do Mr David, is get your unrequited feelings returned!" Kryten said.
"But I haven't got any," Lister said.
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Quite sure. Look, if I was hopelessly in love with someone, I think I'd know," Lister said, fiddling with the end of one of his locs.
Kryten turned to a monitor and started pressing buttons. "Let me see if I can pull up anything on the Hanahaxians, perhaps they had some wisdom on the matter?"
"I doubt it. They're all dead," Rimmer said.
"Oh, yes, here it is. It seems the Hanahaxians died out shortly after Hanahaki disease reached pandemic levels on all of the three habitable moons," Kryten said.
"Useful to know," Lister said dejectedly.
"Hang on, if this disease only affects people who love someone who doesn't love them back, then how did they all die of it?" Rimmer said. "You're not telling me that every single one of them was completely gaga over someone who couldn't care less about them. I mean if that was the case, I'd say they were jolly well doomed even without the disease."
"Oh yes, you're right sir, some of them died of despair or just regular old suicide," Kryten said.
Lister tried to say something, but fell into an uncontrollable coughing fit that didn't seem to stop. He coughed up several whole flowers in succession and flurries of petals in between.
"We have to do something," Rimmer said, gesturing at Lister.
"You're right, sir, we do," Kryten said, and went to fetch a dustpan and brush, and started to sweep up the petals.
"No, I meant about the disease."
"The Hanahaxians tried all manner of cures and remedies but it seems none of them worked," Holly said. "From their records, the only cures that worked were forgetting they had the feelings, or getting them returned."
Lister put his head in his hands. "I'm gonna die, aren't I?" he wailed.
Kryten patted him on the shoulder. "Now don't worry sir, we'll keep looking into it. I'm sure we'll think of something."
For the rest of the day, Kryten took care of Lister, making sure he didn't choke on the flowers he coughed up. The mechanoid also took it as a personal challenge to find increasing numbers of containers to display them in. He happily rinsed out the two tins of spaghetti hoops Lister ate for tea, and repurposed them as vases.
When it came to the time Kryten needed to shut down and recharge, he sent a replacement.
"All right Listy, you're in good hands. Dr Rimmer is in!" the hologram announced as he appeared in the doorway of the med bay and did one of his unnecessarily flamboyant salutes. He had got Holly to simulate a white coat over his usual uniform.
Lister looked up at him from where he sat on the bed, looking thoroughly miserable. Orange-red petals were scattered all around him. "No offence, Rimmer, but what are you gonna do if I start choking?" he said.
"Well, my assistant, Nurse Cat was supposed to be with me, but unfortunately, according to him he needs to get in his evening snooze so he has enough energy for his night-time sleep. If you choke, I'll erm… shout for him."
Lister put his hands over his mouth, feeling one of his coughing fits coming on. It started with small, rapid coughs, and then he felt something obstruct his airway and started to gasp. He coughed and coughed until a whole poppy emerged, stem and all. Looking up, he saw Rimmer watching him. Lister held the flower out to him, and Rimmer reached for it, but when Lister let go, of course it fell through Rimmer's hand and onto the ground.
The two of them looked at each other. These odd moments still occurred between them no matter how long they had to get used to Rimmer no longer being a living, breathing person.
Rimmer turned to check Lister's vitals on a monitor.
Lister sat and had a moment of being able to breathe again. He wondered how long he had left.
"So, who is it then?" Rimmer asked bluntly. "I understand you might be a bit embarrassed saying it in front of the others, but you can tell your old pal Rimsy. Which one of us are you hopelessly in love with?"
"Rimmer!" Lister said, feeling his cheeks go hot and hoping it didn't show.
"Well, we all know who's the most eligible bachelor on this ship."
"Do we?"
Rimmer frowned. "Oh, come on," he said, and when Lister just looked back blankly he added, "Me!" Then he realised the implications of what he had just said. "But that's, um, beside the point." He turned back to the monitor, suddenly realising he hadn't inspected it thoroughly enough.
Lister coughed, and a few petals fluttered out of his mouth.
"Is it Kryten? Is that why you were disappointed that I'd come to take over from him? You two have been as thick as thieves since day one. He's a mechanoid, he could never love you back. Tragic. But his model isn't even a very convincing replica of a human being. How could you?"
"I don't think it works like that, Rimmer. People can love anything. Look at all those people who said they were in love with their cars. And there was that dude who was in love with a bridge. If it makes them happy, who are we to judge?"
"The way I see it, we're in a mighty fine position to judge, actually. There's something wrong with those people."
"But it's not Kryten. Sure, I took him under me wing, taught him everything I know, and he's been good to me, you know. And you know how much I hate doing laundry. But I'm not in love with him."
"Then it can't be Holly either. She's a computer."
Lister shook his head. "Nah, it's the same as I just said, Rimmer. Were you even listening? Maybe you gotta be human to love, but you don't have to be human to be loved."
"Right, so it could be Holly then. You two are always joking around, very pally. And you let her call you by your first name!"
"I don't let her. It's just nobody else does."
"So, not Holly then?"
Lister fiddled with a bit of his boot that was coming off. "No," he said.
"The Cat, then. He'll never love anyone apart from himself, that'd be tremendously distressing for you. You risked your position and your livelihood to save his distant ancestor. He's not very nice to you, but maybe you have a thing for cats?"
Lister narrowed his eyes at Rimmer. "Do you actually think I have a thing for cats?"
Rimmer shrugged. "You've got to have a thing for someone here, otherwise what's all this about?" he said, gesturing at the red petals lying all around.
"I dunno," Lister mumbled. "Maybe it's some kinda mistake, like, or the disease has mutated or something."
"Holly diagnosed you with Hanahaki disease. She would have known if it'd mutated."
Lister opened his mouth to say something, then started coughing again. This time the coughing fit lasted for a while. Rimmer held his hand over Lister's back in readiness to whack him if needed, then felt silly and took it away. Lister didn't stop coughing until he had brought up two entire poppies. He tossed them onto the floor.
"You okay there, Listy?"
Lister nodded. He didn't look okay, his face was red and his eyes were streaming.
Rimmer snapped his fingers. "I've got it! What you said about cars earlier – you're in love with one of the skutters, aren't you?"
Lister tried to hold it in, but burst out laughing. "I mean, they're great fellas, but no."
They sat there in silence for a while, the one unspoken possibility looming large between them.
"Oh, but it can't be me, I'm dead," Rimmer said eventually.
"Yeah, but you're still here aren't you?" Lister said, focusing intently on the bit of loose leather on his boot that he was picking at.
Rimmer froze and his breath caught in his throat. When he spoke his voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "Wait, what are you saying? Lister? Is it me?"
"I don't know. Maybe," Lister said, not looking up. "Look, I've never really thought about it that way. I thought it was just the isolation getting to me, man."
"Lister…"
"I just got thinking one day how it might be nice if we, y'know, got on better. And me imagination might've got away from me," Lister said, and he feigned a cough just so he could cover his mouth, for all the good that did in easing his embarrassment.
"Oh, Lister," Rimmer said, his simulated heart hammering in his chest. He wondered what exactly Lister had imagined, and then quickly told himself that he didn't want to know.
"I know it's smegging stupid. I weren't gonna bother you about it but the flowers gave me away. Why does it have to be flowers? Feels like I'm coughing up a massive hairball every time it happens," Lister said. He looked up at Rimmer sheepishly. "I thought you might be mad at me actually."
"Well, the coughing is annoying, but it's hardly your fault."
"I didn't mean that. I meant… like, me having feelings for you," Lister muttered.
"Oh. Um. Why would I be mad?" Rimmer said, looking around the room awkwardly. "It's… it's a compliment, isn't it?"
"I guess so. But I ain't under any illusions that I'm anything like your type."
"Well, um, not strictly speaking, no, but-"
"See, that's why I didn't say anything."
"Lister, I know you well enough to know what your type is, and it certainly isn't Arnold J Rimmer, alive or dead."
Lister shrugged. "I dunno what to tell you, man," he said, looking down at his boots again.
Rimmer gripped his arms around himself. He didn't know what to say. Luckily the silence was filled for a few minutes by Lister coughing up an overflowing handful of orange-red petals.
"Lister, I… i-i-if I wasn't a hologram I'd put my arm around you and give you a big kiss."
"What? Really?"
"Of course I would. The biggest and sloppiest. It's the only way to save you, and I don't want you to die."
"Rimmer. I don't know what to say."
"But it doesn't matter, does it? If I try to touch you I'll go straight through you," Rimmer said, trying to touch Lister's shoulder anyway, his hand sinking into it.
"Would it even work though? If you were only acting, I mean."
Rimmer put his hand on his chest. "Lister, I would put on an act that would impress Shakespeare, one that would fool the gods themselves, if it might save your life."
A smile spread over Lister's face and he felt a pleasant warm feeling in his chest. "Aww that's really nice. I didn't know you were capable of being so nice to me."
"Well, you've not exactly been nice to me all these years."
"What? What about the time…" Lister scratched his head, "…or when I… oh, I guess you're right. Sorry, man."
"It doesn't matter now. Would it help if I told you I… that I, uh… that I love you?"
Lister held up a hand in between them. "Oh stop it, you're embarrassing me, man."
"Isn't that what you wanted? For me to… love you? I might not be able to do anything about it, but I can say it. Will that do the job?"
Lister wrapped his arms around his knees. Was that what he wanted? Truth be told, he didn't know. This was all very sudden, and it was still very awkward to talk about. Even looking Rimmer in the eye knowing that he knew was a bit too much to bear. Before the flowers came, this had all been nothing but an idle fantasy.
"Would it help?" Rimmer insisted.
"I dunno. Do you? Wait, no, you can't can you, otherwise I wouldn't be coughing up these stupid flowers."
"Our days together are numbered. If only I knew that us not getting along would kill you, I'd have done things differently. Oh Lister, I'd have tried."
"Well so would I," Lister said, letting out a sigh. "But it doesn't matter now, does it Rimmer? It's too late."
"There's got to be another way to cure you."
"But what if there's not? Kryten said all the ways the Hanahaxians tried didn't work."
Rimmer sighed. "Well, if there's really no hope, then I want your final days to be as good as they can be. I want to appreciate the time I've got left with you, before it's just me and those two smegheads."
"Try and get on with them, will you? Just for me?"
"Oh Lister, I don't want you to die. It's going to be absolutely rubbish without you around, you know that?"
Lister bit his lip, tears pricking at his eyes.
"You know, I've never really been a hugger," Rimmer said.
"I'd never have guessed."
Taking a step closer to Lister, Rimmer held his arms out on either side of Lister.
"Rimmer what are you – oh," Lister said, understanding dawning on him. He turned his body towards Rimmer and held his own arms out, going through the hologram in his attempt to embrace him. Lister wanted to rest his head on Rimmer's shoulder. Just that. He didn't want the Earth. Thinking about how comforting it would be was driving him mad. But he knew if he leaned forward he'd just fall off the bed. It was like Rimmer was both there but also not there at the same time.
Rimmer closed his eyes, trying to imagine how it would feel to hold Lister in his arms. They'd never hugged while he had still been alive, never even considered it. Now he finally acknowledged the jealousy he felt when he considered if Lister might be in love with one of their other crewmates. And it had been a shock to hear that it was him who was the object of Lister's desires, but he realised now that it had not been an entirely bad one. And yet, it was futile. Lister was going to die and Rimmer felt like his heart had been ripped out of his body.
By some sort of unspoken mutual agreement, they ceased their simulacrum of a hug. Rimmer sat beside Lister on the bed. Lister put his feet down off the bed and shifted closer. They sat together in that way for a while.
"Lister," Rimmer said, "you haven't coughed in a while."
"You're right. I haven't!"
"Could it be-"
"No Rimmer, don't jinx it!"
"Do you want to get some sleep while you can?"
"You're not going anywhere, right?"
Rimmer nodded. "I won't leave your side, Lister."
Lister smiled at him, but there was a hint of sadness in it. After a while, he lay down and tried to get comfortable on the med bay bed. Rimmer pulled a chair over to the bed and sat down on it.
When he didn't immediately fall asleep, Lister rested his hands behind his head and he and Rimmer talked about old times, the good and the bad. It may have been that the rose tinted spectacles had come out now that they both realised that there might not be any more of those times, but it seemed to Lister that he hadn't realised how good things had been, if good could even be applied to a situation involving dealing with losing three million years and almost everyone he had ever known.
In the morning, Lister woke up, stretched and blinked blearily at the med bay ceiling. Rimmer appeared in his vision. "Lister, you're awake! How are you feeling?"
Lister closed his eyes again. "Gimme a sec, man," he said. He took a breath in through his nose. His throat and his lungs felt a bit sore, but the air moved in and out unobstructed. "I feel better than yesterday."
"Marvellous. Perhaps the illness is passing."
"I told you Rimmer, don't jinx it."
Kryten walked into the room. "And how is our patient this morning?" he asked. "I take it by the fact you didn't wake me, Mr Arnold, that there were no unanticipated problems last night?"
"No, no problems," Rimmer said. "He seems to be-"
"Yeah I'm feeling better, Kryten," Lister said, sitting up.
"Oh now, sir, you must ensure to rest even if you do feel better. Sometimes this can be the time when diseases choose to strike back with a vengeance," Kryten said, pushing Lister's shoulders down to make him lie down again.
Lister folded his arms and lay there as Kryten went to check the readouts on the monitor. "Now this is peculiar," he said.
"What is?" Rimmer said, walking over to look.
Lister sat up again and craned his neck to try to see.
"Well it says here that the obstruction in Mr David's lungs has completely disappeared. But that can't be right. Holly, can you please check the systems for malfunction?"
Holly appeared on another monitor. "Oi, what you saying about my systems?" she said. "Oh, all right." She paused as she ran checks. "No malfunctions detected. From where I am, looks like everything is in working order."
"But what about the Hanahaki disease? It can't have just disappeared by itself, surely?" Kryten said.
"I am feeling better, Hol," Lister said.
"Hmm, let me see. Nope. I'm not detecting Hanahaki disease, Dave," Holly said.
"So I'm cured? Brutal!"
"But everything we know about Hanahaki disease tells us that it doesn't spontaneously disappear. How can this have happened?" Kryten asked.
"Well, in an infinite universe, I find that given enough time, just about anything that can happen does," Holly said.
"But I don't understand," Kryten said.
"Don't worry about it, Kryten. I'm cured!" Lister said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.
Kryten shook his head. "Extremely curious," he said. "Did something happen last night?"
Lister made brief eye contact with Rimmer, then they both looked away.
"Well, I figured out who Lister has feelings for," Rimmer said. The others looked at him, and he realised he couldn't extend the pause forever. "Me."
"You, sir?" Kryten said, a comically over the top look of surprise on his face.
"Yes, me."
Kryten glanced at Lister, who gave a guilty schoolboy shrug.
"So what did you do?" Kryten asked.
"Well, I didn't do anything really. Look at me. What can I do?" Rimmer said, gesturing at himself. "We just… sat together and talked."
"Hmm, interesting," Kryten said.
"You can say that again," the Cat said from the doorway. "Sounds like I missed out on all the drama!"
"Perhaps, Mr Rimmer, you were able to make Mr Lister feel cared for by spending time with him and talking to him, enough that it was able to break the hold the disease had upon him," Kryten said.
"Yeah, that'd probably do it," Holly said.
"Why didn't you tell us it was that easy?" Lister asked, climbing off the bed and standing up.
"Easy? Easy? How can you say that was easy?" Rimmer protested, throwing his arms up in the air. "Asking me to bare my soul to you, that's anything but easy! I thought you were dying, Lister. Would've ripped my heart out if I'd still got one."
Rimmer expected Lister to argue back, but he just smiled at him. "Thanks, Rimmer," he said.
Rimmer rolled his eyes. "If it means you'll live, I suppose it was just about worth it."
"Holly, could you give Rimmer a hug for me?" Lister asked.
"Sure thing, Dave," Holly said.
Rimmer closed his eyes and felt a warmth envelope him and arms squeezing him tightly. It felt calming and comforting, and even though he knew it was only a simulation, he could imagine it mapped onto the parody of a hug that was the best that he and Lister could manage yesterday. He sighed happily.
Lister smiled to himself. It wasn't much, but it was the best he could do for Rimmer under the circumstances.
Rimmer looked around at the assembled crew. "Uh, Cat, would you hug Lister for me?"
"Why should I- oh, all right," the Cat said, walking reluctantly up to Lister and giving him a loose one-armed hug and patting him on the back. "Glad you're not dying no more, buddy."
"Cheers," Lister said.
"Kryten, go and give him a proper hug, will you?" Rimmer said.
Kryten approached Lister with his arms held wide. "I too am very happy you are no longer afflicted with the disease, Mr David," he said, seizing Lister in a bone-crunching hug.
"Thanks Kryten," Lister said, sounding like the wind had been knocked out of him.
Rimmer looked at Lister. It was an odd situation. Nobody had yet addressed the fact that they all now knew that there was something between him and Lister that went beyond the boundaries of a normal professional relationship, and that was deeply embarrassing. But he was very relieved that Lister was going to live. He would have to find ways of making sure Lister remembered that he cared about him, just to be safe. Just in case the disease came back. Not for any other reason. Definitely not for any other reason. That would be ridiculous.
Lister noticed Rimmer staring into space and smirking to himself. "What are you smiling about, Rimmer?" he asked.
"Nothing, Lister," Rimmer said reflexively. "Just glad to see you back to full health."
"Thanks, mate."