Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece Oda Eiichiro does. I don't own the character of Victor Von Doom he belongs to Marvel. I don't even own this brain that I'm using to write really, it was all wrinkled when I got it, I've been wondering "Who wrinkled me this brain?" my whole life.
Author's Note: Feels kinda weird calling myself an author. This is my first time writing any fiction so there's probably going to be some mistakes. I am a one man operation so this hasn't been betaed at all. If you see any mistakes please point them out. Criticism is welcome if it's given in good faith but feel free to be harsh. Don't expect me to respond to comments, I am not a very social person. Also, I have no idea how this site works so expect some faux pas almighty mods.
You think weird things when you're dying, for example, I never thought I'd die drowning on dry land, horrible way to go by the way in case you were wondering. I always figured one of these random mafia mooks would finally get lucky and shoot me in the head. Why would a mafia mook want to shoot me you ask ?. Why, it's simple really, I have been cutting a swath through their so called family for about 4 years now, ever since they killed the last of my actual family for "protection" money.
My grandfather was a retired navy man, who opened a small restaurant after he retired and what they say about restaurants always losing money is mostly true, so it happened as it was always going to, my grandfather couldn't make a payment they sent some knee breakers to teach him a lesson except, said knee breakers were drunk out of their minds at the time and they took things too far.
My parents died when I was young, too young to really remember them, my grandfather took care of me since then. So when I came back from talking with a supplier and found him dead I knew what had happened.
See, I have never been what you would call "normal". I don't know why I am the way I am but, ever since I can remember I don't really feel things at the, let's call it the same "volume" as most other people. Not that I don't feel any emotion at all, it's just that the volume's been turned down my whole life, except for when I found my grandfather dead on the floor, then the volume was deafening at least for a little while.
But by the time of the funeral I was already back under control of my emotions, and a good thing too because; when the so called Mafioso boss came to give me his "sympathies" at the funeral and talked about what a tragedy this was, I had enough restraint to not rip his tongue out of his fat mouth right there and then. Instead I nodded along until he was done politely threatening me and once I was back home I sat down at my pc and started calmly planning a murder spree that would see me kill about 300 people over the span of the next 4 years.
It took 4 years but I killed pretty much everyone in the mafia family behind my grandfather's death and by that I mean everyone, the mafia boss, all his lieutenants, all his sons that were oh so eager to take over when daddy got blown up in a car bomb I set, hell I even got his accountant, so yeah everyone.
I have to say it worked out pretty great, even though I was not trained in any way for combat when I started out, that was the first thing I remedied even though it took over a year to get the bootleg and rushed as all hell spec ops training. Courtesy of an old war buddy of my grandfathers who had enough connections to get me in touch with a sketchy and probably ex-mercenary trainer and not enough sense to tell me to fuck off and live my life or whatever.
I planned out my murder spree pretty meticulously if I may say so myself hell, they didn't even who it was that was cutting a bloody swath through their numbers until a week ago. In my 4 years of murder spree I used pretty much every trick in the book from poisons and bombs to good old classic stabbing and shooting. Which leads me to me drowning in my own blood now, with the last standing son of the asshole mafia boss lying in pieces about 15 feet to my left and most of the island I was on going up in flames.
See, this guy was smarter than the rest of his filthy family, when he saw the trend of his family members dropping dead one by one, instead of sticking by them, he embezzled as much of the family's money and then he moved out to a small-ish island and hired enough private security to outnumber the entirety of law enforcement forces that were on the island who, I might mention were also in his pocket. This was the last member of the whole criminal family and by my count number 302 that I killed. They say dig 2 graves when you set out for revenge, good thing I prefer cremation cause digging that many graves would have been a pain, heh. Fuck, drowning takes a while to kill you doesn't it. Why the fuck isn't it over yet ?. Those were my last thoughts before I blacked out.
The first thing I saw when I woke up was a white room, I looked around in confusion and "Hell is a lot colder than I thought it would be." Was the first thing out of my mouth.
A chuckle sounded out in the white room. "You're not in hell little one" A voice that sounded like my grandfather's said from nowhere and everywhere in the room.
"Since when does 29 years old count as little one ? Also do me a favor and stop imitating my grandfather's voice. If you don't so help me, I will find a way to kill you too." I asked politely and not at all threateningly.
The mysterious voice changed to weirdly not male nor female and yet both, don't ask me how that works because I have no idea. "To someone as old as me, you'd always be a little one and how about this ? is this better ?"
"Kinda confusing but better I suppose, so uh you wanna explain what the not-hell is going on ?" I replied, still looking around the white room whose walls seem to be completely smooth and with a marble like sheen all the way through without even a single blemish or imperfection.
"You're dead" the voice unhelpfully informed me.
"Yeah kinda figured that bit out when I was choking on my own blood with a significant chunk of the right side of my chest obliterated by a shotgun blast that also shredded my lung, pretty sure I wasn't coming back from that one. What I meant is why am I here and not in well, I would have said oblivion before this, since atheist and all that but if there's an afterlife I would have expected more brimstone and less white room of weird." I replied sarcastically which is my default when I'm annoyed or happy or sad. Sarcastic is my default setting for most situations actually.
"You're here because I have an offer to make you. A second chance to go live your life in ano- " That was all the voice managed to say before I interrupted him? her? It? yeah, I'm gonna go with it. Before I interrupted it.
"Wait like one of those isekai nonsense? yeah, no, not just no but hell no, put me on the brimstone express please and thank you. I would much rather burn in hell than live through that." I replied immediately. I had made peace with dying and the very very remote chance of going to hell (again, atheist) long ago, this was not part of the plan. Still to my chagrin, the idea did put a dent in my resolve a little.
"Look, I know your life has been unpleasant for most of it and especially the last 4 years. You have spent all that time hiding and plotting and never letting yourself live your life, truly live that is. Besides as you've already pointed out all you have waiting for you is a shitty cell in hell. Also, if it helps I'm not really giving you a choice, you ARE going." It said before I once again interrupted it.
"Hey! I am a bonafide mass murderer, I expect a vip cell in hell. I mean sure there are genocidal bastards aplenty out there but they delegate most of their work, I put in the elbow grease and did all my dirty work myself. I think that at least gets me the pass to hang out with the devil, if he exists anyway, wait does he exist? No wait, don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise." I sarcastically quipped, while some part of my mind was finally catching up with this whole insane situation and started pointing out that antagonizing a random omnipotent bastard might not be the smartest thing to do and another traitorous part of my mind starting hoping for a second chance, I resolutely silenced that second part and decided to give some consideration to the first and added.
"Look, not to offend you or anything but I'm not really the guy you want for this, if you're as powerful as I think you are then you already know everything I've done and how sick I am of all of it really. So if you want a nice hero guy to save another world I am a bad choice since my brand of heroism is way too bloody for most worlds and if you want me to be the bad guy then you're also shit out of luck cause the world-most worlds that I have read about-are shitty enough places to live and I'm not making them worse just for your shits and giggles." When I was finished saying my peace I sat down on the surprisingly comfortable and definitely-not-marble floor exhausted from all this. Honestly I woke up today fully expecting to die but I was not expecting any of this and traitorous hopeful part of my mind was not making this any easier. The part that kept saying that I might be able to go out and have fun in a magical world of some kind but unfortunately for me I'm smart enough to know if it seems too good to-
"to be true it probably is?" My depressing internal musing was interrupted by the voice continuing my thoughts. It continued "that's a rather limited way of thinking there kid. Look, I'm not doing this so that you can go save the world or burn it. I would explain my reasoning for doing this but it would all go over your head so I'm not even gonna bother. Let's just say I'm doing this because I'm bored since that seems to be a theme for situations like these. So suffice it to say I'm not doing this just to screw with you or to trap you into some sort of Faustian Bargain. So what do you say? hear me out?" It said in a surprisingly amiable way.
I sighed and said. "Very well, not like I have much of a choice, so let's hear it. What kinda world do you think deserves inflicting me on it and why?"
The voice succinctly replied "One Piece".
My mind stalled "Wait, One Piece ? as in the anime/manga ? I thought this was going to be an original setting thing, you're doing a, uh, what was it called ?" I tried to remember the phrase and then it came to me. "A self-insert fanfic, that's it. Your inserting me into One Piece? "I replied shocked.
Then something else occurred to me" Wait am I writing this fanfic somehow? When the hell did I get the time? I barely made time to enjoy some entertainment to preserve some scraps of my sanity in the middle of my murder spree. So how and when did I have time to write a fanfic?" I wondered out loud.
The voice decided to answer my questions. "No, you are not writing this. Now this is a bit complicated but see all those isekais and fanfics? Well those are created due to echoes from alternate versions of the authors who actually went through an experience like this one reaching them in their worlds, and sometimes those authors decide to write those experiences out and making them popular. So those so called self inserts are less self inserts and more that those authors are chronicling the experiences of their alternate selves, with some edits made because of the authors preferences obviously. As for you? some alternate version of you might decide to write out your experience too someday." The voice punctuated that last sentence with a shrug, a disembodied voice just conveyed a shrug, I have no idea how, but it did.
"Give me a bit to think about this all right?" I replied and waited and when no answer came I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head between my knees and decided to calm down and process this insanity first.
'Okay, let's take this from the top.' I thought after a few minutes just breathing and thinking about nothing.
'I'm dead, the afterlife is real. I'm not going to hell, instead an honest to fuck ROB has decided to send me to the One Piece world. What the fuck do I do ?'. I stopped and thought about that for a good while, don't know how long exactly since it's kinda hard to tell time in this place but the voice didn't seem to be in any hurry.
'First thing first, this is happening, can't really stop it' I thought and raged internally about that for a good long while, once I was all done with that internal tantrum I continued.
'Okay so if I'm going to One Piece world and not immediately taking the express exit via a lead injection to the head, what am I going to do there?' I thought to myself.
'I suppose I would stick to the straw hats? Take advantage of my foreknowledge and help them out? Since I actually do like them a bit. The last thing I remember from the manga was the end of Wano Arc and that is supposedly the 70% to 80% mark of the whole series according to speculation, so I should have a decent leg up.' I reasoned to myself.
Then I realized. 'Actually, it would depend on when and where I end up-' my musings were interrupted when the voice piped up to say "Pretty early on actually, in the east blue and yes, if you want I will put you in their path. But are you sure you don't want to go out and make a name for yourself? Make your own adventure?"
"No, like I said or thought as the case may be, I actually like the straw hats and would want to help them out if I can." I replied, then something occurred to me and I asked the voice "Hey, how are you going to do this? Because if you're sending me there as is, I'm not gonna last long considering all the bullshit levels of general physical fitness in that world and I'm not the type to stay out of the action and play chess master. So if I end up there in the standard earth human body, I'm gonna be dead in the first fight."
"Don't worry you will be reborn in that world, so you will have the same physical starting point as anyone else in that world. But, since I have absolutely no interest in watching your backstory arc, I'm just gonna pop you as a grown up and retcon a backstory for you that you will learn through flashbacks." The voice helpfully replied.
'Yeah and it talks about altering reality to fit me into the world like it's nothing, fun.' I thought.
"So, can I make any requests about getting an edge in this world?" I asked hopefully, because if I'm just gonna end up as some tom dick or harry in this world, then that means I will just be forced to watch all the horrible things I read in the manga and saw in the anime happen live in front of my eyes instead.
"I was gonna offer that actually yes, though it will have to be within reason and even then if you want something too powerful there will have to be a price." The voice replied ominously.
'Okay, let's avoid that ominous seeming price at all cost'I thought about that for a bit 'something not too powerful or unreasonable but still useful' and I immediately knew what I wanted and said. "I want a Haki and Rokushiki manual and a year or two's relatively peaceful time before my insert point to train in them. Oh and the option to share the manuals with the straw hats" That alone will help the straw hats weather the grand line considerably.
"That's more than possible yes" The voice replied then continued in a tempting tone "But are you sure that's all you want? Haki and Rokushiki might carry you through paradise well enough but in the new world you will be just another chump, and are you sure you will be able to enact all the changes you want to make with just those? and lastly I should point out you have no idea of your aptitude or lack thereof for Haki."
A scene of a burning and broken ship apologizing for not being good enough and a devastated all but comatose Luffy holding Ace's body flashed through my mind. 'Damn!, it's right'
'What can I ask for that will still give me an edge but won't enact some terrible price ?'My mind combed through everything I remembered about the One Piece manga and anime.
While the obvious answer was a devil fruit, the side-effects are not worth it for me 'I do not want to drown again, going through that agonizing hell once was quite enough really.' I thought shuddering as I remembered my painful demise less than an hour ago.
So I thought and kept thinking until I remembered the pacifistas and vegapunk. 'Technology! that's it, advanced technological knowledge, more advanced than my world and the One Piece world. If I can use tech from some other sci-fi world in the One Piece world that would give me enough of an edge.' I decided.
"That's a valid idea although I will be the one to decide exactly how you acquire the technological knowledge, which world it comes from and price you have to pay for it." The voice once again replied to my thoughts.
"Explain what you mean by "price" please" I replied tensely.
"Three things, the first is that you will have to experience the world the knowledge comes from first hand to gather the knowledge. Though I don't mean you will have to go to those worlds, just experience them." The voice replied
"Um, experience how exactly?" I asked hesitantly.
"I think I will keep that part to myself for now." The voice for the first time in this exchange outright refused to answer a question from me.
"Okay I can live with that, I think" Though I said that, I still dreaded about the "experience" part but I can roll with some uncertainty. To be honest the first sign of deception from it actually put me a little at ease, I guess that makes me a cynic.
"Good, now for the second part, you can not tell the straw hats about your otherworldly origins nor can you tell them about the One Piece manga and anime and that's how you know them. Don't worry though, I will bake in a reasonable excuse to explain away your bullshit insights into your backstory." It stated.
"I hate lying you know, not that I'm bad at it after all I did have to make liberal use of deception over the years so I got pretty good at it, I still don't like lying but I can live with that condition too, now hit me with the last one, I have a feeling you've been keeping the best for last." I replied.
"Good, now the second part of the price is I will have to insist that eat a devil fruit that I provide." It said.
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed.
"You will have to eat a devil fruit of my choosing." It repeated it's baffling statement.
"How is that a price I have to pay?! That's an advantage that you're giving me and depending on how powerful the devil fruit is, I might not even need the whole technology knowledge thing anyway." I responded confused and a little angry.
"For most anyone else, it would be but for you, it would be sword hanging over your head. Also, I just wanna see what you do with it." The voice replied. "Don't worry I will even make sure it synergizes well with your technological knowledge though I will make sure it's not too powerful." It added helpfully.
I opened my mouth to argue further except the voice interrupted. "Well, I think that's a long enough discussion, I think it's time you were on your way, I was going to ask if you had a preference for a name in that world but I think I will pick a name for you." It said.
"WAIT WHA-" I pointed at the ceiling of the white room and tried to say but it interrupted me again.
"Oh and you better eat that fruit if you want the rest of the goodies or you get nothing. Have fun." and with that last word the white room disappeared and I was now pointing at the blue sky in the same pose as I was before.