'Cause I had the best of the worst sides
And I had these lungs,
And I had too many flash fires
That I just let them burn.
Drugs(Eden)
It won't come off.
Blood on his hands won't come off. He tried to scrub them. He applied all types of detergent to scrub the blood off but it won't leave. He knew what he was seeing was hallucinations but still, he wanted to get rid of it with materialistic things.
(There was a hole in his heart. It won't fill no matter what he did.)
He stood in front of the mirror, watching his ghost-like appearance standing in front of him. Sweat lined his forehead, his breathing shaky, chest constricting, and throat dry. He wiped sweat with his hand and froze.
Blood from his hand was now glistening on his forehead. He choked on his breath. He rubbed his forehead furiously. Silver hair getting messed up with movement. His mask was now slightly disoriented.
He couldn't get the blood off even after ten minutes of scrubbing. His eyes burned with unshed tears. Lump at the back of his throat making it difficult to breathe.
Kakashi learned many things in his life. One of them included controlling his fears and turning them into his strength. He knew that blood on his hands was not real. He knew what he was feeling was all in his mind.
Yet, he couldn't control his mind. He couldn't control these visions. He moved past the mirror and entered his bedroom. The floor creaked beneath his foot and his room had an eerie silence.
But his mind was screaming, images of his hand in Rin's chest making a hole, him staring at her eyes, her stumbling out his name in a broken whisper, his vision getting blurry due to tears.
It was not going away.
This image was still haunting him after ten years. He still couldn't get rid of her ghost. His room was cold or he was feeling cold he didn't know. He was shivering. He had his shirt and jounin jacket on.
He and his team seven had come from the mission. It was an easy mission, they had to escort some princess to the land of water. When he came home, he was exhausted due to the long journey. He had wanted nothing more than to sleep and went ahead to his drawing room and crashed on his couch.
The nightmare started after four hours of sleep and jerked him up. He fell off the sofa. When he put his hand on the sofa to get up he saw blood on it. His fingers left an imprint on it. He snapped his fingers off and went to the washroom to get this blood off of his hands. When it didn't budge, he knew he was hallucinating.
He covered himself up with sheets, not looking at his hands. He screwed his eyes shut tightly till it hurt. His whole body was shaking and covered with sweat. Subsequently, his vision started to fade away and then disappeared. His tense muscles relaxed a bit and he opened his eyes slowly, finding his hands clean.
He released a shaky breath and closed his eyes and fell into dreamless sleep again.
He knew he was late again but he didn't care. Naruto complained as usual and Sasuke rolled his eyes, while Sakura humphed. But he was not smiling like he usually did nor made any excuse like he always did. His team noticed but chose not to comment on it.
They were on the training ground when he saw Sasuke bickering with Naruto and Sakura trying to make peace by glaring at Naruto. He watched this for a little while, but his mind was somewhere else. He had his book in his hands but was not paying any attention to it.
Kakashi didn't have nightmares for a while now. This one was after almost six months. Not that he was surprised or he expected them to vanish into thin air but they were growing less. Last year he had nightmares only three times. And they were not as intense as this one.
This nightmare was the same one he used to have back when Rin died. They started after two days and then grew on a daily basis after his mentor Minato and his wife died.
He had dreams where he saw his father but they were good ones.
He didn't know what triggered his dream this time. He saw Sasuke approaching him and he knew what he wanted. Sasuke would ask him to train him and Naruto and Sakura would come along too.
Yet he was not ready when they asked him if he was alright and if he didn't feel good he could take a leave.
He saw concern in their eyes, even though Sasuke was trying to hide it by making his face impassive but he knew him. He didn't know how to react because he should be the one to ask them about it not otherwise. He tried to smile but it didn't reach his eyes.
His eyes stung and his breath grew shallow. He couldn't form words and merely nodded and went ahead. Team seven didn't say anything and separated their ways.
His mind was still reeling with memories. Sometimes he saw Obito in his hallucinations accusing him of murder, and sometimes Rin was there to ask him why he killed her. He was never able to answer those questions.
It was past five in the evening when he heard a knock on his door. Kakashi was not expecting any visitors so he didn't know if he should bother opening the door. After the third knock, he decided to open the door and ask them to leave him alone. What he saw in front of him was not usual.
Naruto stood at the door feeling awkward and out of place. He was fidgeting and looking everywhere but him. After a few moments, Naruto told him that he brought food and asked if he wanted to share it. Kakashi was not the one at the loss of words mostly but right now he felt like he forgot what language is.
He nodded and opened the door fully to let the blond in. Naruto commented on his house and after a few moments was in full-on talkative mode forgetting his awkwardness. Kakashi smiled inwardly at his tactics and answered him when blond asked where his cutlery was.
Naruto left after two hours of hanging around and Kakashi chuckled. Naruto always surprised him and he realized that the blond had successfully distracted him from his intrusive thoughts.
That night he slept peacefully and woke up feeling refreshed. He recalled his moments with Naruto and smiled again.
Even though his nightmares were not going away he had his team.
He was alone in his home but he had people too who cherished him and he was content with it.
He discovered that he didn't have to answer those questions.
The hole in his heart never filled but he had stopped trying to fill it a long time ago and he realized that he was okay with it.
He was okay if the blood won't come off because he had stopped scrubbing it off.