I never thought I would ever see the day that I would be excited to wake up in Hawkins, Indiana, or the mornings that I would be anxious to pull into the parking lot at Hawkins High School. This last week of spending a single period with her, just that mere forty-five minutes of uninterrupted time together, has been the highlight of my entire day.

Those few moments of time are what save me. I think back to those small moments when I'm struggling to hang on. With Neil, with school, with life. I know that I shouldn't revolve everything on her, and on that little time that I have with her, but I can't help it. She's magnetizing.

The more we talk, the more I find interesting about her. Every single day I learn something about her that I never would have expected and just when I feel like I can guess what she's going to say or what she's going to tell me, she throws me a curveball.

I'm an absolute idiot, is what I am. And I know that. There's just something about her mean and careless face, her constantly blunt attitude, and her endless sarcasm that has my head spinning. I couldn't care less about anyone else. Not with her around.

Of course, though, cool Billy Hargrove, cannot be pining for anyone. Cool Billy cannot use too many words, or think too many thoughts. Cool Billy has so little depth that you could stand in a puddle of him and not even get your shoes wet. Aside from those forty-five minutes where I could be myself, I had to be cool Billy.

I hate cool Billy.

Cool Billy sits here at a table full of people who talk about other people. People who they have never met. They talk about the people they see on TV or in the magazines as if the gossip affects their minute day to day lives. They act as if their endless chatter about everyone else makes themselves more interesting.

They're always talking about themselves, so much so that I can't even remember a single time any of them have asked anything about me. Do they know what part of California I came from? What about why I came here? Do they know where I work? Do they know that every single fucking day I fight the urge to not blow my fucking brains all over my god damn bedroom walls?

Her voice tore my eyes away from my thoughts, "Hey, Cali." I turned my head and there she was, standing at the end of the table. Leah was actually almost smiling at me, but I was even more surprised that she had come up to me here, in public, in front of everyone.

Her silver shaggy hair was falling lazily in her face, and her body was nearly swallowed by an oversized flannel shirt that she had to roll up way too many times to reach her elbows. Her arms were covered in tattoos. Leah was very different from the other people sitting around me

I wanted to say something, say anything at all. I could feel my 'friends' eyes all on me, gauging my reaction towards her. Before this moment, I doubt they even knew she existed. Now she was standing here, addressing me as if we were old friends.

Little did they know, I'd rather be spending my time with her, than be sitting here listening to them drone on about nothing at all.

She reached down to a loose page inside her sketchbook, and slid it across the table in front of me. I only had a moment to glance at the picture, and I immediately knew I loved it. I noticed my car right away, my gorgeous blue tank of a Camaro. It was parked against a sunset background, the palm trees in the distance made me think of home.

Inside the car was me, lazily lying back in one of my denim jackets, sunglasses on and casually smoking a cigarette. There was so much detail and there was no telling how much time and work she had put into this. Had she really done all of this just for me?

I heard some of the girls at the table start whispering and giggling. I knew they were waiting anxiously for my reaction. Tommy laughed and nudged my arm, making sure his words were nice and loud, "Looks like you've got a bit of a stalker, Billy."

I don't know why I did it. I leaned back in my seat, looking her dead in the eyes already seeing the embarrassment written in her face. I was already feeling guilty for what I was about to do, but I couldn't stop myself. "What the fuck is this?"

She looked at me silently, with such a pained confusion in her face. It was stabbing me in the gut. I took the paper, crumbling it into a ball and throwing it at her, and it bounced off her arm and onto the floor. "I don't fucking want this shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

The students surrounding me at the table were amused and snickering at her. It made me angry, knowing they were laughing at her pain, but I was angrier at myself knowing I had caused it. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I care more about keeping my status among people I didn't care about over someone I didn't want to lose?

Those piercing blue eyes bore into my soul, and she looked like she wanted to cry. Leah was clearly embarrassed and hurt, she wasn't expecting me to react like that. If I hadn't been here, and in front of these people, I wouldn't have. She rolled her eyes, and I didn't know if it was her attitude or to keep back tears, "Fuck you, Billy." She whispered, storming out of the cafeteria. The laughs echoing off the walls behind her.

I sat there, zoning out again. How was she ever going to forgive me for that? It was one thing to be oblivious to her existence. I was oblivious to almost everyone unless they made themselves obvious. It was completely different for me to go out of my way to not only be an asshole to her, but to embarrass her in front of everyone like that.

What was wrong with me? Leah was probably the only person in all of Hawkins that kept me engaged in anything but myself. Leah made me actually think, she made me want to talk, she gave me ideas, and dreams, and she made me feel like an actual person again. Leah reminded me of the person I was before I came here, the person I was when I was actually somebody.

I may have just tossed all of that away for a group of people who, if I'm being completely honest with you, I don't even remember most of their names. I sat there at the table and waited, I waited for the conversations to die down and for the room to clear. Once everyone was gone I stood up and grabbed the wrinkled paper from the dirty floor and opened it, smoothing it out over the table as best I could without smearing the colors.

I sat there for another few moments, staring at the sketch, feeling like the biggest dumbass of the century. The bell rang for English, and I was dragging my feet, not ready to show my face to her. I had never been more ashamed of anything in my life. I folded the paper gently, and put it in my coat pocket with a sigh, heading her direction.

I was sad, but not surprised to see that she wasn't in class. I couldn't blame her, I wouldn't want to see my face either. Without her here, I couldn't focus on anything else the rest of class, and it didn't help that we were still paired and were supposed to be working on our book reports. I just sat there in silence. I wished I could just hang myself from the ceiling fan right about now.

I knew she wouldn't be there, but I glanced around the parking lot anyway. I was glad to be able to finally light a cigarette to fight off my nerves, I probably needed an entire pack right now. Max was already waiting by my car. "What's your deal?"

"Get in the fucking car." I spat bitterly.

Max stared at me, clearly she had been getting too comfortable with our amicable silence over the last week. My sudden words had caught her off guard.

I lunged forward, grabbing her arm and pushing her towards the passenger side of the car. "I said, get in the fucking car, Max. I don't have time for your shit today."

When I saw the look in her eyes, I felt a twinge of guilt. Great, first Leah and now Max has me feeling guilty too. Perfect. I'm on a roll today.

I kept the radio on all the way up, making it clear I didn't want a conversation and I had no intention of making an apology to her. I halted in the parking lot of the arcade, nearly knocking her head into the dashboard with the sudden halt. I tried to remind myself to stay patient with her as she got out. It wasn't Max's fault that I made an ass of myself.

I said nothing as I peeled out of the parking lot and off to work.

At least work was the one place I would be able to keep my hands and mind busy and hopefully be able to distract myself from the major fuck up that I had today. I headed to the board to pick up my first ticket of the day. It was a bike, a Harley Davidson.

"Of fucking course….." I muttered with a bitter laugh. The name on the ticket was nothing short of Lady Karma giving me the bird. Leah Montgomery.

I pulled in the bike and opened my tool box, hovering over it for a moment, fingers drumming angrily along the sides. All I could think about was her smile. That smile I saw for the first time in that classroom. That moment was the first time I had really felt anything since we showed up here. Then I was reminded of the look on her face today….and reminded that it was all my fault.

"You gonna sit there all day with your thumb up your ass, kid or you gonna actually do some work?" Charlie's voice called out roughly from a few bays down. A cigarette lazily drooping between his lips and oil spilled out from beneath a car.

That was all it took. Those words sent me over the edge. I grabbed whatever I saw first off the top of my toolbox and threw it with a yell through the glass of the back door. I threw my toolbox over and kicked it across the shop. I stormed out in a huff towards my car and sat against the trunk, smoking aggressively.

Charlie gave me a few moments before approaching. "Here kid, have something with a little more kick." Charlie handed me a joint. "This will calm you down."

Normally I wouldn't, because Neil would murder me, but tonight I had a death wish. I gladly took a hit. I passed it back without a word.

"That glass is coming out of your check," Charlie teased.

I sighed, "Shove it, old man."

"I ain't seen you this uptight in a while." Charlie noted, passing it back to me. "The rest of that is yours." He exhaled with a heavy cough. The man sounded like he was dying. "What's got you flustered?"

"I didn't know we were talking about feelings and shit." I muttered, finishing the joint and stomping it out. "I thought I came here to work."

"Well you ain't doing that, are you, kid?!" Charlie pointed out. The thing about this man is that in the few months that I had been here, he had been more of a father to me than Neil had been in my eighteen years of life. I'd never admit that to him. "So you might as well talk."

I shoved my hands into my jacket pockets. I knew if there were anyone that I could talk to, this was my chance. "I….I don't know….I think I fucked something up….made an ass of myself…."

Charlie waited, his eyes were knowing under a very weathered face. "Does this have anything to do with something that may be off limits?"

I kicked at the gravel beneath my feet. A bitter laugh escaped. "Is it that obvious?"

"Kid, I might be crippled, but I ain't stupid." Charlie started, he nearly punched me in the shoulder. "But I done told you, I told you to stay away. You're the stupid one."

"Yeah, Charlie…..well, you don't have to worry about that." I'm sure he could hear the dismay in my voice. Probably the self loathing too. "It's over and done with now. I've blown it."

Charlie patted me on the back and headed back towards the shop. "Good. It's better this way."