Permanence wasn't Lisbon's style. In all the time that he knew her, she'd been married to her work. Their obsession with their job was something only the two of them could understand and appreciate. At least, that's how it was when they first started working together.
A lot changed after Red John. Jane fled the country, Lisbon took on a mediocre job that mocked her calibre and her skills - so she could feel normal for just one moment.
The FBI had been a welcome change of pace. Jane could solve cases without thinking about how he could spend that time tracking Red John. Lisbon was in her element again. It was a good gig. The job had brought them closer together.
Most of his time abroad, Jane had spent wondering if Lisbon would ever forgive him for killing Red John. They'd both been clear on their stances - Jane would stop Red John, Lisbon would stop Jane.
Lisbon's faith in the system was laughable, really. All it would've taken for a Harvard educated lawyer and a sympathetic judge in his pocket for Red John to have the chance to walk again. After everything that had happened, everything that he'd been through, Jane couldn't leave anything to chance.
He wrote to her everyday. Some letters, he didn't send, the ones he'd written when he was drunk on moonshine and utterly honest with himself. He had half a mind to burn them or fold them up, stuff them into an empty glass bottle and set it out onto the sea. Instead, he kept them locked away in a box. Someday, if he works up the courage, Jane will give it to her.
She's the one person in the world that he's the closest to.
At least that was the case until she met Marcus Pike.
From the moment he shakes Pike's hand and he notices Lisbon's eyes glaze over, Jane has a bad feeling about it. All of it. Jane tries to find a lot of excuses to pick out Pike's flaws, tries to find reasons to justify the dislike he feels for the man but Jane comes up empty.
Scarily enough, he finds himself liking Marcus Pike.
He's a solid guy. Smart, funny, tall and good-looking. Definitely Lisbon's type, if she ever had one. It's not much of a shock when they start dating. But, despite all the logic, despite the fact that everything about them together makes sense, Jane finds it tough to come to terms with it.
Suddenly, Lisbon is busy when he wants to get tea together or her phone goes to voicemail when he calls her up to tell her about his hunch.
During their CBI days, he'd tease her a lot about her not having a life outside of work. He wasn't one to speak and some of the most memorable moments of his career, he'd spent with Lisbon, hunkered over a case file.
Now, that she has something - someone else, Jane doesn't know how to react. /
"You're acting weird." Lisbon says, her mouth full of the chicken sandwich she'd bought earlier. Jane really disapproves of that Italian place, but she'd brought him chamomile tea to go. No complaints.
They're on a stakeout, trying to catch Oscar Adalind in a trap that Jane perfectly set for him. His and Lisbon's car is parked a few blocks away from Oscar's home, while Cho is across the street with his head buried in a book. Jane isn't quite as focused on the job as he would like to be, something which Lisbon has clearly picked up on.
It's tough to get a read on him. He should give Lisbon more credit.
"I don't understand."
Lisbon sighs, drumming her fingers on her steering wheel. "I bought you tea. You know the rules."
Jane gives her a look, trying to fill it with as much malice and betrayal as possible. "I can't believe you."
"It was the only way."
After Lisbon had joined the FBI for him, she'd been very clear about the change in their dynamic. No lying, no cons and not keeping her out of the loop any longer. He'd be open about his schemes from step one. Jane believes her exact words were, "We're equals or I'm out."
It was tough to break out of old habits, though. So, Lisbon had come up with a system. Bribery. If Lisbon wanted Jane to tell her something, she'd buy him or vice versa. In Layman's terms, it was Lisbon's way of telling him not to lie to her.
When Lisbon bought him that tea, Jane had known what it meant and he knew exactly what she's going to ask him.
He's been avoiding her for a few days. Of course, everyone noticed. Even Cho bothered to ask him about what's been going on. Jane knew she'd ask him about it, though he can't tell her the real reason why.
Every time Jane looks at her, he's worried that he's going to tell her exactly how he feels about Marcus Pike, just how much he disapproves of the man. Pike may be nice and charming and worryingly handsome, but he's not good enough for Lisbon. He never will be.
By saying any of these things, he's sure she'll see right through him.
The next best option is to avoid her like the plague, which comes with challenges of its own.
"Nothing's going on." Jane answers her finally. "I've… been busy."
Lisbon scoffs. "Busy. Right. Is that the best you could come up with?"
"It's the truth."
"Is this about Marcus?"
Jane's heart is hammering. "What about him?"
Lisbon keeps her eyes on Oscar's house, taking a bite out of her sandwich before she speaks again. "Look, I know I've been distracted lately. This thing with Marcus… it's so new and I don't want to screw it up, you know. I know it's affecting the job and that's unacceptable but…" She shakes her head, like she's contemplating whether or not to complete her sentence. "I like him. I really, really do. God, I sound like such a high-schooler."
The thing is, Jane knows she's serious about Pike. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. She's always been an insane workaholic, married to the job, never stuck around long enough to have serious boyfriends. She'd tell him when she was seeing someone (she didn't have to, but it was nice being told personal things), but it didn't take Lisbon more than five minutes to decide between cancelling on a date or picking up a new unsolvable case.
When Lisbon cancels on Pike, he can see the conflict written all over her face. Her furrowed eyebrows, her downturned mouth. Pike tells her it's okay every time and Lisbon apologises every time. She'd never done that before.
"I get it." Jane says, and he does understand. It might've been ages ago, but he's been that person before. "Do you love him?"
He expects for her to wave him off, gawk at the absurdity of his question, but her eyebrows are furrowed. Conflict.
She might really love him.
"I don't know." Lisbon finally answers. Jane doesn't need to read her to know she's lying. /
It's a week before Lisbon's birthday.
Pike makes sure to tell everyone about it, while Lisbon complains about everyone making her birthday out to be a big deal. She secretly basks in the attention, though.
Jane has spent the last week wondering about her gift. Something unique, but not romantic. That's Pike's job. On the day before her birthday, he cooks up some excuse about a case and drives her out to get her gift.
"Aren't you supposed to cover my eyes or something?"
Jane shrugs. "Eh. It's not really some big secret." He says, as he parks the car. He's lying. There is a big secret, but he's not ready for that yet.
Lisbon presses her face against the window, her eyes lighting up with glee as she turns to face him. "You brought me to the beach?"
"I thought you wanted to but you couldn't find the time, so, I thought…"
Lisbon is caught halfway between wanting to thank him and yelling at him for tearing them away from work. He can see the conflict in her face.
"Alright, let's go."
Goodness, she really has changed.
The evening sun is pleasant. Jane's feet sink into the sand.
"You do know my birthday is in a week, right?"
"Yeah, of course I know. But, I figured you'd want to spend that day with Marcus."
"That's awfully considerate of you." Lisbon smiles. "Thank you. Truly. It's all I've been thinking about for a while."
"The beach or your date?" Jane asks, mostly mocking. Mostly.
"Both." Lisbon says. She's lying to make him feel better, though she should know better than to lie to Jane. "What gave it away?"
"I don't know, the photo of your family by the beach? The desktop wallpaper of a Goa beach? I don't know, it seemed pretty obvious to me."
Actually, Jane had emailed one of Lisbon's brothers. Whoever was the responsible one. He even had Grace teach him about email. He'd asked Lisbon's brother where he thought she'd like to go. He'd gotten three answers: Paris, an Ann Taylor store and the beach, two of which he'd already guessed (Paris was the shocker).
Jane knew he could never replace whatever Pike had planned for her. After all, Pike was the boyfriend, the one who was burdened with the responsibility of having to do something romantic. (But, if Jane was an honest man, he'd say that doing nice things for Lisbon was never a burden. She could've asked him for the moon and he wouldn't have hesitated.)
"Thank you, Jane. I mean it. I really do. This is… this is really sweet."
Jane thinks back to the box he's kept in the glove compartment. The letters that kept him from insanity, his honest truth. He's been itching to give it to her, tell her to leave Marcus Pike and confess about the weight that's been on his lungs since the day they met again.
There is no going back once she knows.
Maybe he'll be better off telling her tomorrow.
"You're welcome, Lisbon. Should we head back?" /
Jane buys pink peonies. They were his wife's favourite. His daughter never grew up enough to have a favourite flower, but she loved sweet scents and the colour red, her favourite. He picked out roses for her.
He drives out to the cemetery, watching his hands tremble on the steering wheel. All this while, Jane told himself that he'd moved on, that he'd healed from the events of Red John and put all of that behind him. But, as he walks up to the gravestones of his wife and child, he finds himself still plagued by that uneasy feeling, churning in his stomach.
Jane's eyes don't burn with unshed tears nor is he asphyxiated by breathlessness. He puts the flowers down, runs his hands over the cold marble of their gravestones. He can't remember the last time he'd been.
Jane wishes Lisbon were here. She'd know what to say. Maybe she'd pray for their souls so they'd get accepted into heaven. If she were here, the silence wouldn't be so deafening.
As he drives back home, he waits for the regret to hit. He'd sworn he'd never go back to see them again.
The wounds don't feel frayed, though. They sting. Like they're starting to heal. /
It's three in the morning when Jane's doorbell goes off, ringing through the empty space, making Jane blink twice.
Sleep has remained a bitter friend, so he's been lying awake for hours, hoping for the exhaustion to wash over him. There's only one person who knows he'd be awake right now.
"Hey. You busy? Lisbon asks, like that's a normal thing to ask at three in the morning.
Jane blinks. "Nope. Come in."
That's how he finds himself making coffee for her (yes, he does in fact own a coffee machine, but it's only ever used when Lisbon comes over to review her cases), wondering about what must've happened for her to be spending time with Jane, instead of Pike.
Must be an important case for her to leave Pike's side a few hours after her birthday. He can't see a file anywhere near her, though. It's not about a case. The crease on her forehead, the disappointment etched in her features. It's personal. Maybe she broke up with Marcus. Wishful thinking, he knows, but the black harmony in her tone had indicated that something was terribly wrong.
He hands her the cup of steaming hot coffee, his own filled with chamomile tea as he wasn't tired enough to be subjected to bitter coffee, and Lisbon quietly thanks him. Her eyes are hazy, unfocused and he comes to the haunting realisation that she's been crying.
"Lisbon?" Jane starts and she shudders. She puts her cup down and buries her face in her hands. It's tough to see her this way, all fallen apart. "What happened with Marcus?"
Jane knows he's hit the nail on the head, though it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure that out.
"He's getting promoted. A transfer to DC."
Jane blinks. He's ashamed - almost - of the relief and the joy that comes over him like rain in a thunderstorm, only to be stomped out by the tears that run down Lisbon's cheeks. He tastes guilt for rejoicing at her expense.
"Oh." Jane mutters. For the first time in his life, he hesitates to say what he's really thinking. "That's... has he decided?"
Lisbon scoffs. "He already said yes. Without asking me."
Now, he sees it, the real reason for her being so upset. Her serious boyfriend agreed to move to another state without talking to her about it. Jane wants to give Pike a piece of his mind.
It's Lisbon's expression that tells him there's something else.
"There's more." His hunch is only confirmed by the tenseness in Lisbon's shoulders. "What is it?"
He hears her sharp intake of breath, before she says: "He asked me to move with him, Jane."
"What?"
Lisbon had once called him a master of deceit, a gifted liar. Jane had taken it as a compliment. But, even he - master of deceit, gifted liar - cannot mask the betrayal he feels. It comes through in his voice and for once, he doesn't care that someone can tell he's lying.
If Lisbon knows, she doesn't say.
"There's an opening in the investigative crimes unit and they want to put me in charge of it. It's a promotion, basically."
He doesn't know who she's trying to convince. Him, or herself.
"That's... that's great." Practised liar at his worst. The chamomile tea is the only thing keeping him from giving Marcus Pike a call. "So, why am I here?"
Lisbon sighs, staring at her coffee gone cold.
"I wanted you to hear it from me first and I wanted you to tell me what you think."
"Why does it matter?"
"Of course, it matters." She says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Do you think I should go or not?"
No. No. No. Everything, every bone, every bone in his body, every corner of his mind is telling him to say no. Lisbon's gaze is searching for his own, and he feels like he's been stripped bare.
So, he does what he does best: he stalls.
"Have you taken a look at the cases?"
"Yeah. I looked through almost all their cases of last year. They've done some phenomenal work."
"Does Pike have a house picked out?"
"...A neighbourhood. Very family-friendly."
"Do you love him?" He asks. This time, he knows the answer.
"Yes, I do."
"Then, you have your answer."
"But, I don't have your answer."
When he lies this time, it tastes like sand on his tongue. Coarse. Rough. Wrong.
"Yes, I think you should go. You'll do great work and you'll be with the man you love. I really don't see how my opinion factors here anywhere."
He means what he says, though. What he can't figure out is why his opinion matters so much to her. On paper, DC sounds perfect. A promotion. A white-picket fence. And, of course, Marcus Pike. It makes sense, it makes total sense.
That's why he can't understand why she looks so disappointed.
"Okay."
Lisbon puts in her two week notice. She's leaving for DC. Fischer throws her a party. Jane doesn't show.
Back in the CBI days, Jane didn't get involved in politics much and luckily for him, that included parties. It's not that he doesn't believe in the concept of fundraisers and their causes, but the idea of going there, watching rich men and women donning pearls and emeralds donating money to save face, is hardly appealing - even with the free champagne.
The only reason he's going… Well, he doesn't really have a reason. Fischer forced him.
As he sits by the open bar, sipping on a drink, all he can think of is going back home. Fischer slides up next to him. Jane has to physically refrain himself from rolling his eyes, as he can just feel the lecture incoming.
"We need to talk about Lisbon." She says, sliding him a fresh glass of champagne, almost like it's a bribe.
Bribe accepted. "Why can't you just buy me a drink without any hidden agendas?"
"The drinks are free, but that's hardly the point." Fischer says. "Look, she's leaving for DC next week."
"You think I don't know that?"
Jane wishes he could forget about it because all he's been doing since Lisbon told him, is running it over in his brain, again and again and again.
"Do you really want whatever little time you have left with her to be about a petty fight you're going to forget about?"
"It wasn't a fight."
And, really, it wasn't a fight. He'd accepted it, but no one could expect him to embrace it. He hadn't said a word to Lisbon about how he really felt about her moving. She deserved it, all of it and Jane would be damned before he'd be the one to take that away from her.
"Jane, you can't be serious -"
"I appreciate the advice, Fischer, but I'm fine. I came out here tonight so I could get away from these random therapy sessions that everyone seems to want to get into with me. I really don't need any of this."
"It's not a therapy session." Jane scoffs. "Alright, look. Why do you think Lisbon told you about DC before she told anyone else?"
Like he keeps saying, it doesn't matter. "Your guess is as good as mine."
"She told me she had half a mind to cancel on this whole thing. She wanted you to tell her not to leave, Jane."
This all feels like an elaborate prank that has a million holes in his plot. After all he's been through, over the course of Lisbon's one month before leaving, he doesn't want to hear any of this.
Jane has been tired long before the news and he hasn't been able to sleep ever since. Of course, the one person he can talk to about this is leaving.
Maybe he is angry. Maybe Jane's gotten so good at lying, he's been lying to himself all along.
"She thought you'd stop her, but instead you told her exactly what she didn't want to hear."
Jane scoffs. "That I wanted her to be happy and let her do whatever she wanted?"
"You weren't being honest with her." Fischer insists. Like salt in the wound, she says: "You're still conning her."
"I don't think that's a fair statement."
"Isn't it? You've been lying to her all this time to preserve her feelings, instead of telling her the truth, the one thing that you know she really wants to hear."
This is too much.
"She loves him." Jane says. "How can I even ask her to choose between me and him?"
"You have to let her know you're an option." Fischer replies. "Then, if she makes her choice and it's not you, at least you'll have peace knowing you didn't hold anything back." /
Lisbon leaves in two weeks. It's too late for him to say anything now. Instead, he gets the box of letters out of his dresser drawer. At least, this way, she'll know.
He drives down to her house, in the middle of the night, partially relieved when it's not Pike who answers the door.
"Promise me you'll only open this once you land in DC."
"Why?"
Jane sighs, leaning against her door. Lisbon stares at him, unflinchingly, awaiting her answer. He asks her the million-dollar question, "Do you trust me?"
"With my life, yes. Otherwise, absolutely not."
"Lisbon." Jane says, and Lisbon tenses. "Do me this favour. For the last time."
Her breath catches. She wants to say something, but it stays caught on the tip of her tongue. "Okay. But you owe me big-time and I will come to collect, don't you forget that."
Jane can't help the laugh that escapes him, not at her joke but at the sheer absurdity of her statement. She's going to DC. They're never going to see each other ever again. Lisbon will settle down with Pike, living out her white picket fence dreams while all Jane will ever dream about is the beach and her hand in his.
He's lied to her a lot over the years, but never again.
"I'm going to miss you, Lisbon."
She melts, throwing her arms around his neck. Feeling selfish, he wishes for her not to go.
It's time. Jane's been watching the clock since Lisbon left.
He watches the time tick by, the minutes turning into hours until it's almost time. Two hours since she'll leave for DC.
For once, Jane wishes he could give in and drown his sorrows in alcohol. He needs to erase the mind-numbing headache gathering at his temple. He needs to stop thinking of DC and he definitely needs to stop thinking of Lisbon.
She's gone.
At least, she'll know how he felt and that he was the one who screwed it up, not her. He was the one who lacked the courage to tell her how he felt. At least, she'll know and make peace with it.
Jane will have to embrace that.
As he switches the TV channel (change of background noise), there's a sharp knock on his door.
Must be Mrs. Stalhman from the end of the hall wondering if Jane had one of her cats.
"No, I don't have Sprinkles!" He yells, going back to the TV. Usually, that statement is enough to make Stalhman leave, but not today. She continues knocking on the door.
Jane has half a mind to let her knock until she gets tired and leaves. But, he pushes himself off the couch, opening the door and he's ready to recite the string of curses on his mind to Stalhman, but he freezes instead.
"What the hell is this?" Lisbon asks, and she holds up a letter. March 27th, it says.
Oh. She read it. She wasn't supposed to do that.
Jane has pulled a lot of stunts, but none of them have left her this upset. Her eyes are red around the corners and her nose is rubbed raw. She's been crying on the way over here. His stomach plummets.
"I-"
"What?" Lisbon snaps. Her tone is brimming with bottled anger. "What is this?"
"I- I don't know what you want me to say." He mutters, and his answer only frustrates her more.
Lisbon digs through her purse - oh heavens, she read all of them, he realises with a start - until she finds what she was looking for. She holds the letter up. April 3rd.
"Dear Lisbon, I spent the entire night watching the moon. I've been thinking of what I'll say to you when I see you again. I'm sorry. Much love, Jane."
He knows what each letter says. He's spent months poring over them as a decent pastime. Still, hearing the words from Lisbon's mouth makes his skin crawl. When she stumbles upon May 16th, it's going to get awkward.
"Dear Lisbon, a woman at the bar asked me out for dinner. I said yes, just to experience something new. She cried when I asked her about her mother. She was a nice person, just not the right fit for me. I think you would've liked the scallops. Much love, Jane."
"Lisbon, I think this is highly unnecessary -"
"Dear Lisbon, everything I do these days reminds me of you." May 16th. Lisbon pauses for a second, taking a deep breath to ground herself, before she continues. "I wish I could tell you that in person. I think you'll like life here. It's slow. I spend some days thinking of nothing but what I'll be writing to you in the next day's letter. It's funny, really, how I have been able to let go of everything about my past except you. Past. Calling you my past sounds strange. You're my present and my future and everything in between. I wish I could tell you. Much love, Jane."
Yeah, he really should've burned that letter.
Lisbon stares at him, like she's expecting something. Out of all the situations in the world, he's run out of words now.
"I'm sorry, Teresa." He says, and Lisbon just shakes her head, burying her face in her hands. "I'm really-"
"You know, I've had it up to here with your apologies. I have spent the last two hours reading these and I just- I can't-"
Jane turns on his heel, glancing at the clock. She was supposed to be on the plane fifteen minutes ago. He looks at Lisbon. "You didn't go to DC."
There's a calm that washes over him when he says those words. She didn't go to DC. He gives it a second to sink in, also to let Lisbon dispute it if she wants to. Lisbon doesn't say a word.
She didn't go to DC.
Lisbon puts the letter away and crosses her arms. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
The honest answer would be: no. He'd counted on her not to open the letters until she was already in DC, or at least on the plane. When she'd be out of his reach. One less life to ruin.
"No." Jane says, simply. "I wasn't going to."
Lisbon sighs, running a hand through her brown locks.
"I knew it. I fucking knew it. This is what you do. You don't tell me anything, you carry out your little plan and when it all goes sideways, you apologise and expect for it to all be better."
"Why didn't you go to DC?"
Lisbon's breath catches. "I was just running away." She admits, "DC was just a whirlwind idea that I wasn't fully sold on. I was leaving because I thought there was no reason to wait around for a man who was never going to love me."
Her hands are shaking. "I like Marcus. I really do, but he'd always be my second choice."
The pressure on his lungs is making it tough for him to breathe. Second choice. Pike would always be her second choice.
"You mean that?"
Through her tears, she laughs, like she's in disbelief. "I called Marcus in the morning and told him the truth. I was never going to go to DC, Jane."
Fever dream, that's what it feels like. Fever dream.
But, every bit of this is real. The warmth of Lisbon's embrace, her tears soaking through his shirt as he hugs her close. There is so much to be said, but for now, he settles for this.