Saving Light

Chapter 1: Soul Mate

Nine-year-old Alec Lightwood sits on the floor of his bedroom, wringing his hands together and practically vibrating with excitement as he studiously watches his reflection in the mirror. His birthday was two days ago, and he knows it's only a matter of time before his soulmate's words show up somewhere on his skin.

During the day he hides his excitement well. He's determined and focused in training and diligent in his studies, doesn't let himself get distracted or give Hodge any reason to think he's not one hundred percent present during lessons. But as soon as he's released for the day he hightails it back to his room, scribbles a hasty locking rune on his door, flings off his shirt, and sinks down in front of the mirror to wait.

The first night after his birthday he'd fallen asleep on the floor only to wake up to his seven-year-old sister pounding frantically on his door and demanding to know what his soulmate was going to say to him. Sometimes he thinks Izzy is more excited than he is.

She's also convinced he's going to have the best soulmate ever because she says he's the best big brother ever.

Alec knows that his people don't view soul bonds with the same reverence and respect that downworlders and mundanes do, that for the Nephilim they are often treated as a means to an end, a guideline for forming strong political alliances. If a shadowhunter finds themselves paired with a mundane it is expected their partner will either ascend or the shadowhunter will sever the bond. It isn't a requirement, of course, they can choose to leave the Shadow World and live with their mundane partner, but it's exceedingly rare for a Nephilim to choose that path. To do so brings disgrace to the family name.

There are also whispers of Nephilim who have been fated to downworlders but as far as Alec knows those bonds are incredibly rare and always severed. He's heard the adults talking about how no self-respecting shadowhunter would ever accept a bond with someone who was half-demon. His parents are particularly vehement about that sentiment.

Izzy thinks it's dumb and prejudiced. Alec agrees with her, though he'll never voice those thoughts out loud.

Maybe he's still foolishly naïve, but he wants the fairy-tale ending that comes with the soul bond. He wants someone to love him unconditionally, someone who is his and his alone, someone to fight by his side and run the institute with him. He wants someone who knows him inside and out, who pushes him to be better and helps him conquer his shortcomings, of which his parents assure him he has many.

Alec knows his parents only point out his failings to help him be better. They push him because they want him to succeed, he's sure of it. He's the oldest, the heir to the Lightwood name and it's his responsibility to take care of his family and their institute one day. He knows they're hard on him because they know he has so much potential. It doesn't matter that nobody else understands, they simply don't have the same responsibilities he does.

-oxoXOXoxo-

Ten-year-old Alec Lightwood has resigned himself to the fact that he doesn't have a soulmate.

He'd still been hopeful, right up until the day of his tenth birthday. He'd waited patiently for those fated words to appear, kept telling himself that maybe today would be the day. But his skin remains unmarked by anything but runes.

Everyone tells him to just have faith, that surely, he'll get his words someday. Alec doesn't miss their pitying stares and the way they frown when they think he isn't looking. He knows what it means. He simply…doesn't have a soulmate.

He tells himself that it's fine. He's a shadowhunter, the words wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. Marrying for love has never really been in the cards for Alec. He knows his parents aren't soulmates, but they still love each other.

Don't they?

Besides, his duty is to marry a nice girl, run the institute with her and start a family. Maybe he can learn to love whoever he marries.

Something cold and uncomfortable twists in his stomach at the thought of marrying a girl picked out by his parents.

He's fine. He doesn't need a soulmate. He has Izzy and now Max.

When his mother hands him his new little brother for the first time, Alec feels the same sense of overwhelming protectiveness he feels for Izzy. He now has two people to defend and safeguard, and as their older brother, he knows that nothing in this world is more important. He vows to always be there for Izzy and Max, no matter what.

-oxoXOXoxo-

Eleven-year-old Alec Lightwood is sitting on the edge of his sister's bed, waiting with her as she fidgets expectantly.

Izzy is nervously twisting around in front of her mirror, pushing up her sleeves and tugging down the collar of her shirt. She's nine today. She'll get her words for sure.

Alec picks at the sleeves of his own shirt, draws the fabric down over his fingers in a self-soothing gesture even as he schools his expression into something he hopes resembles happiness. Something that doesn't betray his inner turmoil.

Izzy is one of his most important people, and he wants her to have all the happiness she deserves. And yet, he can't help the small bitter part of him that mourns his own loss. But then he wonders, is it a loss? Can you lose something you never had? Yes, he decides. Because he's lost hope.

"Alec!"

Izzy's excited shout pulls Alec from his musings and his head snaps up, hazel eyes wide in surprise. His sister throws herself into his arms, squealing excitedly and hugging him hard enough to cut off his air supply. She pulls away after a long minute and yanks up the corner of her shirt. There, across her ribs on her right side are the words she's been so anxiously waiting for. The vibrant green script is neat and tidy.

Nobody here for you to arrest today, Shadowhunter.

"Alec." Izzy drops her voice into a conspiratorial whisper even though they traced at least two silence runes into her door. "Alec! My soulmate is a downworlder!" Her eyes glimmer with something gleeful and victorious.

Alec smiles at her, shoves down his apprehension, and praises her words with all the enthusiasm she deserves.

Later that night, after she's tucked into bed—small hands clutched over her ribs and smiling even in her sleep—does he let the worry show. Izzy has a rebellious streak a mile wide, and this is only going to make their parents even angrier. He knows she'll never forsake her soulmate simply because of who they are. She's going to have a hard road ahead of her and Alec doesn't know how he's supposed to protect her from love.

-oxoXOXoxo-

Twelve-year-old Alec Lightwood has come to the startling realization that the reason he doesn't want to marry a girl…is because he wants to marry a boy. He can't tell anyone, of course. Especially not the object of his affection, who has a soulmate waiting out there for him somewhere.

Jace is arrogant and brash, but Alec can see past the façade to the terrified boy underneath. The one who fears rejection, who fears punishment in the form of pain, the one who has nightmares almost every night and only manages to sleep when Alec creeps into his room and holds his hand until the wee hours of the morning. He's known Jace for only a year, but he can't imagine ever loving anyone the way he does the cocky blond. Alec loves him for all of his broken pieces, not in spite of them. But he has to shove that love deep down, mask it as camaraderie and brotherly affection, because they're going to be parabatai soon and it's punishable by exile to fall in love with your parabatai.

Besides, Jace has a soulmate.

And Alec doesn't.

-oxoXOXoxo-

Twenty-three-year-old Alec Lightwood cannot, for the life of him, understand what has possessed his siblings to run off on this hair-brained scheme with Clary Fairchild.

Clary Fairchild, who also happens to be his parabatai's soulmate and Valentine Morgenstern's fucking daughter.

Alec knows that Jace has always harbored the secret desire to be loved unconditionally—understands that feeling better than his brother probably realizes—but now that he's found his soulmate, it's like he's forgotten everyone and everything else that should matter to him. He's even more reckless than usual, quick to dismiss Alec's concerns, even quicker to defend Clary's actions despite her blatant disregard for their laws. And Izzy, always the rebel, is diving headfirst into every adventure with them.

This time they've run off to Pandemonium with an outrageously expensive piece of jewelry from the vaults that will, supposedly, lure the High Warlock out of hiding. Somehow, they've even managed to pull Hodge into their madness.

Alec snorts derisively.

Aside from the fact that he's certain a centuries-old warlock isn't going to fall for such an obvious ploy, the three of them are now running another unsanctioned mission that he's going to have to cover up. Part of him wonders if he shouldn't just let them face the consequences of their own actions.

He's quick to dismiss the thought.

They'll get a slap on the wrist at most, but Alec will still be the one that bears the brunt of the Clave's displeasure. As Head, it's his responsibility to keep his people in check. A leader that can't command the respect and obedience of their troops is ineffective and quickly replaced.

Alec has worked too hard, sacrificed too much, to let the Clave swoop in and take the Institute from him because of his siblings' negligence. He's valiantly resisting the urge to bang his head against his desk as he doctors yet another one of Jace's mission reports when the door to his office is suddenly thrown open with a resounding crash.

Speak of the devil. Alec thinks sardonically.

Jace blows in like his ass is on fire, all righteous fury and indignation.

"He didn't take the bait," his parabatai snaps.

Alec raises a single eyebrow at him, expression thoroughly unimpressed.

"You don't say." Dry as a desert.

The blond scowls, crosses his arms, and paces back and forth in front of Alec's desk.

"We have to get Clary's memories back. They could be the key to finding the cup."

Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. Tosses his pen down and leans back in his chair to regard Jace critically. The pen skitters across the desk and tips over the edge to clatter to the floor. Alec's scowl deepens.

"Are you really worried about the cup, or the little girl getting what she wants?"

The look Jace levels him with is an odd combination of scathing and guilty. Alec is honestly surprised his face can even make that expression.

Jace doesn't answer. Instead, he huffs in frustration, throws the ruby necklace down on Alec's desk, and falls into one of the visitor's chairs.

The deep crimson gemstone glints up at Alec mockingly.

"Both things are important, Alec. By getting Clary her memories back we also get important information." He sounds like he's lecturing a child and Alec grits his teeth so hard he thinks they might crack. He wants to snap, to remind Jace where his loyalties are supposed to lie, but he knows that anything he says will fall on deaf ears. A waste of breath and effort.

Between his siblings, his parents, and the Clave, Alec feels like he's being pulled in ten different directions. He feels wrung out, the pressure of leadership like a noose around his neck that is slowly tightening with every unsanctioned mission and half-cocked, poorly executed plan. He was named head of the Institute barely a year ago and he already feels like he's buckling under the weight of expectation. There is a reason this job is usually held by a husband and wife team.

When he'd named Jace as his second he'd been certain that his parabatai was going to have his back, be his shoulder to lean on when things got too tough. Instead, it feels as though Alec is nothing more than an annoying afterthought to his brother. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

And to top it all off he'd received a notice from his parents this morning that a clave envoy is being sent to "evaluate" the Institute at the end of the month. He can read between the lines. She's a nice girl with a strong family name and "really Alec, don't you think it's time you settled down? Your father and I would like grandchildren sometime this century."

He's been able to put it off this long, but his parents are starting to lose patience with his waffling. They're using his siblings' current antics against him to try and push for a political match that will help strengthen their own standing in Alicante. If he had a soul mate, he could at least use that as an excuse, but, well...

Alec shakes his head. "Maybe," he concedes warily. "But we don't actually know if her memories will even lead us to the cup. This whole thing might be a wild goose chase."

"Well, we have to start somewhere!"

Jace sounds petulant, like he's gearing up for another argument and Alec doesn't think he has the emotional capacity to deal with it right now. He's running on fumes. He's been chasing after his siblings and their new red-headed ringleader—cleaning up their messes—for the past two weeks and he's exhausted. He's barely managed to smooth the ruffled feathers of the Night Children and he's not eager to add the warlocks to his apology tour.

Alec holds a hand up when Jace opens his mouth again, effectively cutting him off.

"I get that you're worried and that you want to help her. I really do. But you can't go running through New York doing whatever the hell you want. I need you to reign it in Jace. The Clave has me under a microscope because of your behavior."

Jace rolls his eyes and Alec feels the almost visceral urge to wipe the floor with his face.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. Once we get the cup, they'll be so happy they'll want to give you a medal or something."

Alec finds himself stunned into several long seconds of silence. That's the kind of naïve, ignorant thinking that makes Clary so dangerous. Apparently, she's contagious.

When he finds his voice again, he's unable to contain his incredulity. "No, they won't, Jace! The three of you broke the fucking accords! You ran an unsanctioned mission onto the Night Children's territory and killed three of their people. There are going to be consequences for that." What Alec doesn't tell him, is that the only reason all three of them aren't doing time in the Silent City is because Alec cut a deal with Raphael Santiago for his silence. An unknown favor to be collected at a future date that will likely put him in direct violation of the accords himself.

Jace pushes up from his chair, indignant anger burning in his eyes as he levels Alec with a furious glare. "They kidnapped the mundane, we couldn't just leave him there!" He waves his hand in Alec's direction with an almost violent gesture. "Why are you so against helping Clary? You've hated her from the second you met her."

"That's not true." It's really not. She frustrates him, but Alec understands her desire to regain her memories, to get back the parts of her childhood that were stolen from her. He understand her desperate need to help her mother. What infuriates him is her refusal to abide by the guidelines and rules of their society, her blatant disregard for the danger she puts other people in with her self-righteous crusade. She wants things done her way when she wants them, regardless of the consequences.

"Isn't it? If I didn't know any better, I would say you were jealous!"

The harsh words feel like a sucker punch and Alec can't suppress the wounded noise that escapes him.

Jace's mismatched eyes grow wide at his own angry outburst, and he takes a step back, mouth opening and closing wordlessly. The anger abruptly drains out of him and he looks horribly guilty.

"Alec…"

"Don't."

Jace snaps his mouth shut and swallows.

Alec can feel the guilt seeping through the parabatai bond, and it only makes the sour feeling of betrayal more pronounced. He tamps down on his side of the bond to prevent his own anger and disappointment from leaking through.

"Bring me some concrete evidence to work with and I'll see what I can do. I'm not making you any promises. Dismissed." His voice is flat, cold, and he doesn't miss the way his brother flinches at his tone.

Jace chews on his bottom lip, opens his mouth again but must think better of it because he falls into parade rest and nods once, sharply, before sweeping back out the doors with stiff shoulders.

Alec buries his face in his hands with a bitter, broken laugh.

TBC…

AN: This is a prompt-fill for the lovely AngelColdHeart. Co-written with Ravenbatz on AO3.