~A/N~
Don't ask. I have no explanation.
"C-can't we talk about this?" Izuku squealed while struggling against his restraints.
"I apologize, but I must have thy divine seed!" Ibara was quickly losing what little clothing she still had, and it was abundantly clear that not even he could stop her holy ambitions. "I promise to be gentle, and you in turn will lead me to the light, my angel~"
"Aizawa-sensei, why? Help me, please!"
Aizawa's eyes were shining red, lit up like the fires of hell, forcing his student's broken ass quirk into submission. "I'm sorry, Midoriya, but it's only rational." His smile was like hell's pickle. That is to say, it was sour, slimy, and unexpectedly dusty. "You sure this'll work, Shiozaki?"
"Of course, Sensei. I have never been surer of something in my life." Ibara's smile, in contrast to Eraserhead's, was genuine. Stars were baptizing her in the light of the gospel of the lord. A choir of lesser angels sang ancient hymns yet unheard in the world of man.
"Alright then, I trust you. Let's get this over with." Aizawa said grimly. His resolve would not waver. He needed it.
"No, I won't let you. L-let me go, demons!"
Ibara gasped, holding a pale hand to her virgin lips in astonishment. "It has already begun. As prophesized in the New Testament of the Quirky Bible, 'The Throne of God shall lampoon the poon of the mother of Christ.' It really is me..." Ibara exclaimed breathlessly.
"What are you s-saying? I want to be a hero, not a sex slave! Please, I'll do anything. I'll uh, I'll let y-you touch m-my Omnipotent Eye!" Izuku begged.
Smile widening, Ibara clasped her hands together and recited another (certainly mistranslated, and more than likely just fucking slapped on cuz why the fuck not?) passage from the Quirky Bible. "'Thou shalt stare into the abyss of unbounded temptation, and in this abyss will lie the secret to receiving the Semen Sacrament.' I can see it now. Come to me, my angel."
Her clothes were gone now. tossed about the room in a frightening display of single-minded determination. Izuku continued to struggle, but it was for naught. He grasped at his bindings futilely, writhing around like a worm in a heavy rainstorm.
"Ready yourself, for the pain with guide us to the doors of pleasure, and further still will be the gates of heaven. Now, open my gates, Izu—"
"I am coming through the door," slam! "like a no—what in the holy hoagie is going on here?!" All Might rushed into the fray, spotting a bound Izuku, glowing-eyed Aizawa, and a sopping wet Ibara. "Young Midoriya?"
"All Might, please save me! She's trying to make me pump and dump so that I have to pay child support with a hero's salary! And her bushy bits are really oozy and sticky right now. It's gross!"
"Say no more, Young Midoriya, for I will serve justice at o—"
"All Might, as much as I agree with the sentiment, it's just not rational. What we stand to gain far outweighs the life-altering trauma Midoriya is about to be put through."
It was a slam-dunk of a statement that made the eighth bearer of One for All stop in his tracks. "Aizawa. Explain."
"The rebirth of Christ. Shiozaki showed me a magazine clipping that had the title 'Midoriya Izuku to bestow the Semen Sacrament?' It even had a bunch of emojis making the open-mouthed-shock face on it, so it has to be true. And who better to receive his... gift than the Bible-thumpy Bimbo-bunkie herself?" Aizawa stated matter-of-factly.
All Might sighed resignedly. "I can't deny the undisputed truth in your words, but never speak that phrase again."
"Whatever. Anyways, think about it. The second coming of Christ—certainly the most optimal candidate to become the next bearer of One for All, no?" And to give me what I desire above all else, Aizawa thought.
"I guess you're right, Aizawa. This is to the benefit of all parties involved."
"What about me?" Izuku asked dejectedly.
"Though it pains me to say this, Young Midoriya: shut up. No one cares what you think." Then All Might turned towards Aizawa and held out a used bottle of artificial tears. "Can't have our angel getting ahead of himself, now can we," All Might whispered with a truly unheroic grin splitting his face.
The dictator of 1-A just grunted in response, taking the bottle. "Welcome aboard, All Might."
As Shiozaki grabbed the hem of Izuku's pants and yanked, he reflected on how this all came to be.
"What is it, doctor?"
Dr. Jackie Noff took one look at her clipboard and shook her head. "He is a Throne."
"A what?" Inko tilted her head to the side, confused.
"Well, it's not common knowledge anymore, but centuries ago, there was a book called the 'Holy Bible' that would be commonly found at every other household. This book contained, among many other things, descriptions of fantastical creatures. Izuku here," the doctor said, gesturing to the boy who was looking at her, wide-eyed, "has a quirk that happens to perfectly fit one such description."
Izuku had manifested his quirk earlier that day, which subsequently caused the Midoriyas' house to collapse. Luckily, no one was hurt as he had subconsciously activated a protection field with what would later become known as his 'Rings of Omnipresence.' Immediately following this, Inko had driven her and Izuku to the quirk hospital while Hisashi sought help from around the neighborhood and the authorities.
"Can I be a hero now, mommy?" Izuku asked Inko with an adorable face of child-like hope.
"Yes, baby, you'll be an amazing hero!" Inko wailed as she threw her arms around Izuku's pint-sized form. He quickly followed.
Stretching lightly, Izuku smiled as he waited for the gates of the entrance exam to open. He knew that his chance of failure was in the negative; it wasn't arrogance, but a fact. Even Kacchan had acknowledged his strength, though he would never admit Izuku was in any way better than him.
It had been a long ten years to get to this point, but Izuku had absolutely no regrets. He had lived a good life, and it would only get better. His quirk perhaps made him All Might's better when it came to raw strength and utility, but Izuku had worked hard to get where he was. Rubbing the back of his neck in a silent apology to all examinees of Battle Center B, he readied his quirk.
As soon as Present Mic's voice sounded, Izuku was enveloped in a blinding flash of light. Six seconds later, he was positioned half a mile in the sky, directly above his Battle Center. It was over before it began.
His mom had always said his quirk made him look beautiful. Other people were not usually of the same mind. While maybe they agreed on some level, he mused, their fear far outweighed the other opinions they could've potentially shared. A freak, a monster, a demon (ironic), but Izuku had always liked to think that he looked like a hero.
Perfect circular rings of vibrant marble made from the tears of ancient, continent-spanning cumulus clouds spun about him in an unknowable, hypnotizing rhythm. They varied in size and distance—the inner rings reaching the size of mere apartment complexes while the outermost rings could pass for Bakugo Katsuki's ego—but their majesty was hard to deny. All of the rings were adorned by a staggering amount of what could only be gold, and something else...
Eyes of vivid emerald numbering in the thousand covered every square inch of space on the outside of the rings. From the size of baby elephants to blue whales, they practically blotted out the sky. They saw all. Constantly flittering about like a series of fireflies caught in bubbles, nothing was too fast or too far for them to see.
However, what gave Izuku the power to eclipse All Might resided at the center of his form. A titanic eye, scarcely blinking and covered in the same cloud-forged marble as the overlapping rings looked upon the world, absent of emotion. It seemed to glow brighter than all the others and brought with it an aura of impossibility that was reinforced by the reality that a floating eye the size of an aircraft carrier could just sit there, hanging in the sky like God's favored star.
In less than a second, Izuku's thousands of viridescent orbs saw everything. 360 degrees and through walls, floors, and further beyond, nothing escaped his view. These were his 'Omniscient Eyes.' There were 500 possible points to be won that he could see, and they were all his.
His central eye, receiving the information from its thousands of smaller like-minded companions, suddenly lit up like a supernova. 300 beams of colorless light fell upon the world like divine rain, spearing into every robot all at once. A sound like the song of a million wind chimes rang out across U.A.'s grounds and beyond, and the robots were no more. Izuku had never met a force that could withstand an attack from his 'Aperture of Omnipotence.'
With that one move, it was all over. The exam was done.
In Battle Center C, a vine-haired girl stared up at Izuku with unrestrained awe and reverence. Tears fell from her eyes like peerless diamonds as she sank to her knees, clasping her hands together in prayer. My god, please give me strength, for I have found him. She'd always hoped that Christ would be reborn in her lifetime, but she'd scarcely dared to dream that she would be the one to rebirth him.
As Shiozaki Ibara lanced her hair through a smattering of one-pointers, she silently planned the greatest (and only) maybe-consensual rape of her life.
Through the help of the powers that be, her silver tongue, roofies, and Aizawa Shota's overpowered quirk, it was happening. He was screwed. Well, he was about to be screwed if you wanted to get technical, but that was beside the point: his thingy was about to go in her thingy and his mom would probably approve. Slapping a nonexistent palm to his forehead at the thought, Izuku resigned himself to his fate.
Far be it for him to trust the words of a magazine clipping, but if he was going to help rebirth Christ, he might as well enjoy it.
"Are you ready, my angel?" Ibara asked sweetly as she positioned Izuku's second brain at her baby-maker.
"H-hey, I know you really believe in this whole thing and all, but..." Honestly, being raped wasn't something Izuku was particularly fond of, but even still, he wanted to know if she wanted this. It was a stupid, idiotic, totally selfless thought that he just couldn't help but consider. "Do you even like me, Shiozaki-san?"
She looked at him, stunned. She froze, hovering above him with his tip at her entrance. He watched as a few tears leaked from her eyes as she suddenly smiled tenderly at him. Bringing a hand to his cheek, she caressed it absentmindedly with her thumb. "You really are an angel, Izuku." she stated with such utter belief that his heart skipped a beat. "I know I haven't known you long, and that you may hate me for this," Ibara brought her face close, her eyes boring into his with intense feeling, "but I can't help but love you with all my heart." She kissed him.
As his heart thumped in his chest and his mind swirled with a tide of unfamiliar emotions, Izuku couldn't help but feel that someday soon, he might just love her back.
They had sex for well over an hour. It was passionate and filled with mutual desire that had a warmth building in Izuku's chest. At some point, Aizawa had turned his quirk off and Izuku's bindings were removed. Neither teen noticed. When it was finally done, both of the green-haired U.A. students held each other tightly, and Izuku supposed that maybe it wasn't rape if he liked it.
It was seconds later that Ibara noticed a strange sensation coming from her womb. Izuku had noticed it too as he scrambled off of her and asked what was wrong. Before she could respond, a dim light emanating from her stomach soon grew brighter, and within a few minutes, her belly had ballooned.
"Always trust the magazine clippings," Aizawa decided from somewhere across the room.
Instead of the pain she'd expected, it was over before she'd felt anything. One second her uterus was full to bursting, and the next, there was a grown man clad in robes that were decidedly old-fashioned held aloft in Izuku's arms.
"Shiozaki-san, look!" Izuku exclaimed, smiling wide and swinging their child around in a circle. "It's our baby bo—huh?"
The grown man in his arms coughed lightly as Izuku dropped him in shock. It was then that he realized babies do not come out of the womb fully grown or already dressed, and certainly not both.
"Woah man, like, thanks for doing the Semen Sacrament and whatnot. Thanks to you two," Jesus said while pointing finger guns at Izuku and Ibara, "I'm back and stuff."
Nobody said a damn thing. Not a word was uttered, and the silence was edible.
"Anyway, for getting me here with sweet robes and all, I figure you rad dudes deserve a gift apiece, no?" Christ the Redeemer noted while laughing and spinning in circles. "So, like, watchu want?" he laughed again. "Nah, I'm just messing with you bros. I already know."
Four flashes lit up the room like gunshots, and an item appeared before each person save Jesus.
Izuku smiled widely as he picked up a plastic card roughly the size of his phone. "No way! A Pro Hero license with no expiry date and..." His smile nearly tore his face as it expanded even further. "It's good for five McMight Doubles?! Wow, thanks, son! I mean, Mr. Jesus Christ man-dude-g-guy-bro?" Izuku finished, chuckling awkwardly.
"No prob, homeslice!" Jesus said while tossing Izuku a wink.
Ibara was next, and if she looked any more ecstatic, then the next time she touched a door she'd be in for a shocking surprise. "I am simply beyond words. This is almost too amazing! A 1st edition 24k gold Quirky Bible written in brown ink! My lord Jesus, you shouldn't have~" Ibara giggled while hugging the book to her chest.
"Oh, well if you don't want it, Viney Mc. Thorny Poo, I'd be more than happy to—"
"Never, scum!" Ibara hissed out with venom. Realizing who she was talking to, she quickly amended her statement. "Uh, I mean, no thank you, uh, sir..."
"Right."
From across the room, All Might bellowed a laugh. "Young Jesus, I thank you for your gift!" Flexing and flashing his pearly whites, he struck a heroic pose. "But uh, what is it?" he finished lamely.
"It's called the 'I let my student get raped so I could have a successor but now I don't need one for a while because this pill will fix my body' pill. So go ahead, my a-moral friend, have at it, and don't choke. I've heard it tastes like your toilet bombs used to smell."
Grinning, All Might did just that.
Last up was Aizawa. He had an expression of pure bliss that ran from his eyebrows all the way to his toes. Here it is, he thought happily, A rational sleeping bag that feels like emptiness, failure, and depression! Giddy, he went to grab it when he suddenly froze. Jesus' laugh was heard all around the world.
"Like, brohamwich, I get it. I like sleep too, but aiding in your student's rape along with uttering the phrase 'Bible-thumpy Bimbo-bunkie' deserves at least some punishment. So now whenever you tuck in for the best sleep of your life, you can be reminded of your favorite person. Christ cackled madly, and Satan clapped in approval while watching from Hell on his CRT TV.
Staring back at Aizawa from both sides of his new sleeping bag was a perfectly rendered image of Fukukado Emi, the wonderful Smile Hero and teacher at the illustrious Ketsubutsu Academy.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Years later, the number one pro here, Throne, and his lovely wife, the number eleven pro hero, Thorn, welcomed their second and first actual child into this world. Looking back, as Izuku cuddled with the love of his life and in his factual opinion, the most interesting and beautiful woman in the world, he smiled. Magazine clippings weren't so bad, he admitted to himself.