Please enjoy. Author Notes at the end.
How do I even start? With some type of embarrassing, cheesy intro line like, 'My dearest childhood rival, I hope life finds you well.' Ugh, I can't even think about it without being on the verge of losing my dinner. Why did I think this was a good idea again? Oh, right, I didn't. This was all Daisy's idea. She can take all the credit. She has been watching way too many psychology talk shows that encourage you to be open and get rid of all the negative burden you're carrying by having a journal to write away all your deepest secrets and desires. I had already told Daisy that there was no way I could do that. I didn't have the time, patience or mental bandwidth. So, instead we compromised to narrow it down to only a letter. She first suggested I write a letter to myself, whether it be past, present or future me but again, I don't think I have the mental capacity for that right now. Too meta.
Besides, it's hard to do that when Alakazam is already staring me down, obviously judging my thought process. There's no way I can go on rambling to myself about my own shortcomings. That is not the Oak way. We go on living as problems don't exist. Just push it down, way down. Damn it, Alakazam, quit cocking your non-existent eyebrows at me. Why is he even in here anyways? I wonder as I inspect my office for any other unwanted guests but only find the psychic pokémon floating around by the door and Eevee curled up on the couch that I often use as a bed between matches or when it's too late to make it home at night. Good, I don't need any more witnesses. It's not like I already have the two most judgmental pokémon in here as it is.
Anyhow, seeing as I refused to send myself sad self-analyzing messages, we agreed on my writing a letter to someone else. Anyone that I feel I have many things to say to. Things that I should just release, to set myself free in a sense. At the end, I can decide if I really want to send it out or not. If getting the person to hear me out, to see my side of the story would really benefit me. Yet, the goal of the exercise isn't necessarily to give the note out or to expect any sort of correspondence. It's just to let it out and that–that I think I can handle.
But then, it goes back to where we began, about how to actually get this started. I could write to several people. My parents, Gramps, Daisy, Lance, the League itself but no, I shake my head as I glance over to the floating pokémon giving me a bored lopsided smirk, his whisker beard shifting to one side. We all know whose letter I'm writing first. It's pathetic really, how predictable I am. I'm sure even Daisy suspected that would be my go to when she suggested it. Am I that obvious? That's a wasted question. Of course, I am. Who else would it be but the one person I've been avoiding my whole life or for as far back as I can remember anyways? The one person that I have always been surrounded by, engulfed by, or overshadowed by, even when they're not even here. A true talent but you were always talented, weren't you? That's just it. It's hard to compete with the best despite how many times you try to convince yourself that it's you.
They say if you continuously tell yourself something you're bound to begin to believe it, don't they? It's your fake till you make it. Your dress for success. Your own self-imposed pep talks, standing in front of the mirror telling yourself that today will be a good day. It worked. Very briefly, but it worked. It's just rough for you when you realize it was all a lie. It's a long fall from the top especially when the top was never there to begin with. It's like those old cartoons where the scroungy growlithe is chasing the annoying dodou only to realize he ran off a cliff and begins plunging down.
Anyways, back to the problem at hand. How do I start this? 'Dear Red, I hate you.' That's a little harsh. I probably shouldn't start off so strong. So, 'Dear Red, You ruined my life.' That's better. 'You ruined my life and you ruined my memories. Every time I look back at any point in my life, you're there to cast a dark shadow over everything and anything. Even the memories that could possibly hold some glimmer of sunshine are darkened by your mere presence in them.' Geez, a little melodramatic there, Blue. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. I grab another piece of paper and start over. 'Every time I look back, even during the times that should be joyful a spark of sadness, anger, and frustration quickly overtakes it. After a lot of analyzing and scrutiny I have determined that the sole cause of those feelings is you, not once do I not see you.' Good, that makes it clear that I'm coming at this from a purely scientific point of view. My research brain just can't help it. It's in my genes.
That's a decent place to begin I suppose. 'I can see a little five year old me running around happily in Gramp's lab showing off to my new friend. You were quiet of course but that was okay. I talked enough for both of us. Still do. It was going well until Gramps started gushing about you, when you showed 'much potential'.' Yup, always had to deal with hearing about that damn potential or how you just had so much promise. Just because the pokémon seemed to gravitate to you like some hungry snorlax running towards food. Your way of communicating with them without ever having to say a word is awestrucking to say the least. I can manage to acknowledge that, albeit reluctantly. I struggled, I can admit that now. I do think I finally found my stride. I hope so, at least. 'I remember not knowing exactly what I was feeling at the time, just that I was confused and a bit irritated and it got worse as we got older.' "So, much worse." I whisper to myself aloud as I shoot another look at the psychic pokémon, who now seemed to be meditating.
Am I supposed to go on through the timeline of my life? The sad tragic timeline of my life? Because I know, you were there for that too. And, I know there was anger. So much anger. I was so young. I worried if that was even the right emotion I was supposed to feel at the time which then only brought on the guilt. 'I remember sitting on a long bench, my knees drawn up to my chest as you stopped in front of me. You were dressed in a black suit just like mine, except yours looked like it fit you a tad bit too small but that didn't stop you from handing me a white envelope, the traditional white and black paper strings wrapped around it.' I have to pause for a bit as I rub my eyes. The memories overflowing. 'I don't know what was bubbling in me when I hopped off the bench and purposely pushed you aside as I took off but the anger and grief stayed. Stayed for a long, long time after that.'
Okay, maybe writing this letter is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I just wanted to be able to yell at you through written format, not extend an invitation to all my emotions to join the party. Especially when it comes down to my favorite part. That's it. The travel of our lives. The thing that we wait years for. Every trainer's rite of passage. Just counting them down until we're able to go on our journey and oh man, was I ready or thought I was. 'I'm sure that was a contributing factor to a lot of me back then. I started to avoid you. I tried to. It was hard with being neighbors and all and Daisy and your mom just not understanding that you weren't my friend anymore. No, we were rivals. In everything, school, pokémon, my family's attention. I know I came off as cocky. Okay, I still do.' There I fixed it. Go back to mediating Alakazam and quit reading my mind. 'I pranced around as if I was the best. The strongest Oak. I was going to come at you with everything I had. My plan was always going to be to choose the pokémon that had the advantage to yours. I was going to show you no mercy from the get go. It didn't even matter which one I ended up with. I couldn't imagine my life without Blastoise now though so, I guess that worked out. But, it was like no matter how much I bullied you or pushed you away you would just continue to take it. Not in any way like a doormat. You were never that, despite some kids thinking you would be just because you didn't talk. You always showed them though.' I stop to giggle as I remember the look on that kid Copper's face when you pushed him back that one time.
'No, you would just continue to take it as if it didn't bother you. Like you could just brush it off. Then just kick my ass in a battle when I tried to challenge you. God, it pissed me off. It was like the more I was ahead of you the more I was actually trying to catch up. Did you ever even see me as a rival? Someone you truly had to compete with.'
'When I got there. When I finally got there. I thought I made it. I knew I had made it. I had beat you there. So, I walked with stride all through Victory Road, my confidence and ego just pumping up more and more with every member of the elite four I defeated. After Lance congratulated me and I walked into the room I could actually call my own, I felt like I could explode. I got everything I strived for, the youngest pokémon champion Kanto has ever known. Now I could show you that I really was the best. Now I could show my gramps that he could believe in me. That I wasn't a screw up, until I was. I had the shortest and most embarrassing reign as champion ever. And, of course, on top of that Gramps had to, just had to make it there in time to see me fail.'
'I remember the look on your face as you glanced over at me before I bolted out the door. The pity. I couldn't take it anymore. I could feel it eating at me so I took off running as soon as I made it outside. Just ran for what seemed like hours until I was lost in the middle of some forest where I just let it out. The loudest most desperate scream that my lungs could produce. My throat burning, my head pounding, and knees hurting after falling down on them. I stayed there, sitting in the middle of the opening until nightfall, a few curious rattata and oddish sometimes coming out to check out the crying weirdo.'
'At this point I felt like all I could do was run away but you always, always find a way to one up me. Was that your plan? To run away before I did. To find one more way to win. To find one more way to leave me behind. To leave me to suffer as people stopped me to ask me about you. But, I don't want anything to do with you. You've been in every corner of my life and every corner of my memory since I was old enough to remember them and I'm tired. I'm tired of competing and I'm tired of you. As you go on attempting to give yourself frostbite I will be down here, in the real world, enjoying my first memories I create that won't be ruined by you.
Your childhood rival, 30 Minute Kanto Champion, Viridian City Gym Leader,
Blue Oak
P. S. Please come back.
That wasn't too terrible, I think as I put the pen down. I'm surprised at how much easier it got towards the end. I do feel a bit lighter, some of the weight I was holding coming off. I suppose Daisy's idea did have some benefits but it was pretty emotionally and mentally draining. It helps you work up an appetite too. I should get going. I need to start up dinner and Arcanine gets moody if she doesn't eat on time. But, before that, I fold the letter and enclose it inside an envelope and write his name. I'm not going to send it. No way I can. There's too much of me in there and I don't think I'm ready but, Daisy said to make it as real as possible. I'll even put a stamp on it for good measure. It's a bit of a waste. It's not like the post office is going to be shipping this up a mountain but it's all about the authenticity.
And, with one good stretch I'm up, Alakazam opening one eye to take a peek, Eevee surprisingly still asleep on the couch. As soon as I open the door, I can hear the ruckus the rest of my pokémon are causing. Pidgeot rushing to me, no doubt ready to tattle and complain. "I know, I know. You're hungry. We can go right now. Just take care of that." I tell the big bird, pointing towards the office as I go off to gather the rest.
It doesn't take long for me to go around to tell the rest of my trainers that I'm leaving for the day, and my pokémon we're pretty much already eager to go. I just had to stop Arcanine from threatening to burn down Exeggutor. The tree always had a habit of teasing the fire pokémon when she was hangry, he found it entertaining.
Signing, as I walked back into the office the look on Alakazam's face had me instantly worried. The physic type was not one to panic so, the way he was standing, his eyes wide, seemed almost comical if it wasn't for Eevee who was now awake giving me the same expression. "What's going on?" I ask, as I walk deeper into the room as it finally dawns on me that someone was missing. "Where's Pidgeot?" I ask, Alakazam hesitantly lifting a long finger towards the large open window. "Why? Where did he g—.." I begin to ask, interrupting myself when I notice the lack of a letter on my desk. Understanding now, that sense of radiating panic began washing over me. No doubt, what the psychic was feeling it as well. When I told Pidgeot to handle it, I meant to wake up Eevee not deliver the letter. What was I supposed to do now? I had to stop that letter from getting there. I could find a way to intercept. I had to. That letter couldn't make its way up that mountain. I'd die. I'd die the most suitable painfully embarrassing death. I bring my hands up to grasp my pounding head as I groan. Who was I kidding? There was no way I'd catch up in time. The only thing I could do was pray to the Pokémon Gods that Pidgeot couldn't find him on that stupid mountain.
A/N
I'm going through a prompt book right now and decided to write my first Red and Blue fanfic for the prompt 'Writing a letter you're too afraid to send'. There should be only one more chapter left but I will have 3 in total because I'll go ahead and post the letter as chapter 2 by itself just incase anyone just wants to read it without Blue's thoughts throughout.
"You were dressed in a black suit just like mine, except yours looked like it fit you a tad bit too small but that didn't stop you from handing me a white envelope, the traditional white and black paper strings wrapped around it.' The white envelope refers to an Okouden, which is traditionally used in Japan for condolence money. It is money given to the family of deceased at the funeral. This was supposed to represent Blue's parents funeral and Red giving him the Okouden despite his family maybe not being as financially stable.