He's angry, she gets it.
Harvey hates cheaters, after all.
And Donna kissed him, parted his lips with her tongue to taste him, her arms sneaking around his neck and pulling him in closer. She discovered he tastes forbidden, unsurprisingly, when he shares his bed with another woman. But she doesn't think, or care, about any of that while she sucks on his lower lip, her mind spinning with want and desire and if anything, there's a thrill running through her as his hands automatically finds their right place at her hips.
It's far from an honorable moment, really, they are breaking more rules and crossing more lines than their hidden glances and (not so) unobtrusive flirting all combined. It's wrong, but feels oh so right, their mouths colliding after so long, lies and hard truths getting swallowed in the process and like a fool she thinks that maybe they can go somewhere from here, maybe this isn't where they end but where they begin instead.
Donna hates being wrong and Harvey doesn't get it, doesn't get her, at all. In his mind, she made him into a cheater, the one thing he never wanted to be. She should have known, it would steer them towards the breaking point.
The day after, Harvey doesn't treat her like she's his enemy, but rather like she's nothing. She had at least expected a conversation, possibly a loud one, prepared to hear him yell and perhaps hoping to get some things off her chest as well.
Harvey doesn't give her any of that, he isn't interested in her needs, he dismisses her, practically behaving as if she's a stranger, and when he storms out of his office, Donna's breathing hard.
He just had her saying that what she did, will never happen again. She promised, repeated it with conviction, but only because the burning fury beneath his words, struck a nerve. Donna initiated the kiss, yet Harvey took it further, and now he's acting like she didn't have to stop him from tearing down every wall and removing every layer, that had been between them the night before.
Her cheeks flush with heat as she remembers the feel of his hand, warm against her inner thigh at the same time as her back made contact with the glass wall. It's all too much.
Donna hastily leaves his office, the memories overflowing her mind and making her feel dizzy. She occupies herself with work for the rest of the day, doesn't bare him a glance when they pass each other in the hallways. He's busying himself as well, she likes that, the solid evidence that his it didn't mean shit attitude, is just a false front.
She only demands answers after he purposely shits the bed later in their interview that same day, and now they're in fact, finally yelling at each other, loud and open in the goddamn lobby. Donna calls him selfish, mentions something about his behavior being horrible and why it's unfair to her, because they smile and they drink and they flirt, and it's hurtful when all he does is take and take and take.
It feels good, to let it all out, emotions and thoughts she has repressed and stocked inside her heart for so long because actually feeling them used to physically hurt. But now, it feels amazing, spelling it out for him.
That until Harvey throws the words back at her, saying that those moments doesn't indicate he wants more, and Donna knows he's referring to all the late nights in his office when they joke around with each other, teasing and testing, and those, she treasured those moments.
It's a slap in the face, and so Donna lies, swears she didn't feel anything and instead of looking relived, like he should, Harvey seems disappointed, hurt, betrayed. She can't deal with it, the push and pull, the confusing signals he's currently giving her.
"It did affect you, didn't it?" Donna's voice suddenly sounds so small, so hesitant. It's as if her eyes is pleading with him to speak the truth. To cave.
Her own guard falters, and Harvey sees the opportunity to strike. Because he's so furious at what she's implying. Maybe because she's right.
"I'm human Donna. What do you think it did to me?"
Human, he's saying it was only his body reacting and nothing more. But Donna recalls his hunger, his sighs of relief, his gentle but determined touches, and everything there in between.
It was something beyond want.
"That's not the same as feeling something." She points out, while attempting to read that frozen stare of his.
Harvey blinks, frightened she'll figure him out in a moment or two, and so he snaps that her judgment sucks, meaning that he has no faith whatsoever left in her, and Donna feels her throat closing up. Harvey has no other choice but to flee the scene then, because he cannot for the love of god look at her when she's tearing up.
He only said those cruel things to her so that she wouldn't recognize that he's a fraud, just like his mother.
And Harvey's not sure what he hates the most, the fact that she blindsided him, or the fact that it's all he's been able to think about ever since. Donna, her soft lips brushing against his own before he buried his fingers in her equally soft curls to deepen the kiss, Donna, the low sounds that escaped her as he walked them backwards, pressing more firmly against her, Donna, tilting her head to give him access to her neck, her hands gripping his shoulders for support, Donna, Donna, Donna.
So he goes home, asks a woman with a different name to move in with him, a stupid attempt to try and replace the person who's constantly living in his mind.
It's not fair, he thinks, how he used to think about Donna when he slept with Scottie, and now he's closing his eyes and imagining red hair splayed over his pillow and under him, not blonde. It's frustrating, and upsetting, because deep down Harvey knows that he's cheating on Paula, at least emotionally.
Something tells him that that makes him no different than Lily.
Rachel is often straightforward with Donna, about almost everything, but whenever it concerns Harvey a careful approach is much needed to get any results. He is somehow consistently a sensitive topic, and Rachel has regretted sticking her nose into their business before because nobody can quite figure out Harvey and Donna as one.
And neither can they, which is why their relationship is the most complicated excavation Rachel's ever tried to solve. There are no answers about Harvey and Donna that doesn't lead to more questions.
"Did something happen between you and Harvey?" Rachel gently asks one late night when they're seated in some bar downtown, because Donna is being distant and Mike told her that same morning that he stood in a room with the two of them yesterday, and apparently you could cut the tension with a knife.
Rachel is incredibly empathetic, that being said, it pains her to see Donna broken down because of Harvey goddamn Specter, again and again. And while she genuinely would love to tell Donna just that, she knows that her friend would find a way to defend him, she always does.
And it's ironic, really, how Harvey and Donna defend and protect each other from the outside world, no matter who throws what at them. But god forbid they acknowledge why that is, which causes them to hurt each other, instead.
Donna slightly shakes her head, looking down at the tumbler in her hand. She needed drinks with Rachel to forget, not to reopen her wounds. "I'm not really in the mood to talk about Harvey tonight."
It's not a lie, and it's not telling the full story either but luckily Rachel seems to realize that right now isn't the time to push for answers, because she accepts and changes subject instead.
They chat and they giggle and they drink, but Donna wears this weary look, eyes drifting away persistently, lost and searching for something that isn't there, and it's unmistakable, her facade repeatedly faltering and Rachel's heart aches for her friend.
She loses track of how many drinks Donna downs that night and trying to slow her down gets Rachel nothing but a short lecture, something along the lines of, 'I'm a grown woman and I'm fully capable of handling myself.' Only add a bit of slur to that.
When it's nearly midnight, Rachel suggests they catch a cab together, not very fond of the idea of leaving Donna alone. But once again, she doesn't attain her goal because the woman next to her is as obstinate in her drunk state.
Harvey haunts Donna's thoughts for the rest of the night, his touch and his fury creating bad, bad, images in her head of rough hands and file rooms and make up sex. She shouldn't allow herself to think about him like that, but apparently her self-control is long gone. So when a stranger who doesn't look or act anything like Harvey orders her a drink, she gladly welcomes the gesture. She ends up taking him home and into her bed. It's been ages since she last did that, but Donna needs the release, and this guy seems intent on giving it to her.
She practically kicks him out afterwards, ashamed and annoyed that it was the images of Harvey that pushed her over the edge anyways.
The rooftop is bitter and chilly when Donna make her appearance known, carefully stepping in beside him. They've been doing a pretty remarkable job avoiding each other up until now.
At first, Harvey forces himself to try and ignore her presence but fails miserably because it's Donna, and whenever she's near, his heart beats faster and there's warmth spreading through his veins. It's not love, he tells himself, it can't be, and denial sure is Harvey's most pervasive friend.
"I had a feeling you were up here." Donna breathes quietly, cold air hitting her face and she is secretly thankful for the safe distance put between them.
Harvey huffs, staring out over the city below them. "Yeah, and the reason I came up here was to be alone."
It's been about a week since the so-called kiss, and they're taking bending the truth to a whole new level. Because Harvey didn't halt and most importantly, Donna didn't want him to. One second they were heavily kissing and the next he was hiking up her dress. She only stopped him out of fear, terrified that they could never recover from crossing that line, when adultery is exactly the thing that tore Harvey's family apart.
They seem to be in ruins now either way, the truth be told this time. But nothing gives him a free pass to treat her like crap, and Donna's exhausted of feeling like his personal punching bag. "Harvey, you can hate me all you want, but don't act like a child. I'm sorry that I messed with your relationship, and-"
She cringes at the snap of Harvey's head as he cuts her off, his tone is harsh and his voice echoes from the rooftop. "Hate you? You seriously believe that's what's going on here?"
Donna frowns, oblivious for once. "Enlighten me then Harvey, because you're clearly not happy with me."
Harvey weighs his options, pondering whether he should be honest with her or not. He pinches the bridge of his nose, an old habit that he does when something is preventing him from speaking his mind, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Donna.
"Tell me." She adds.
And it's enough to tip him over the edge.
"Dammit Donna, you're all I'm able to think about, and it drives me fucking insane. I'm committed to someone else, I like Paula, and you, you're everywhere." He confesses, looking defeated as he runs his hand through his hair and she distantly wonders if he's getting as little sleep as she is.
But there's something about the way he says it, like she's a sickness that he wants gone and it stings. Donna thinks screw it, she may not have followed him up here looking for another fight, but they've evidently left things between them unfinished, and she's done walking around in circles.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have started to sleep with your therapist in the first place and we wouldn't be in this position right now."
Harvey's eyes widen. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I asked for more, and you found it convenient to run to your therapist, not for advice or guidance, but for her to be your girlfriend. Your therapist Harvey, do you even hear how absurd that sounds?"
Donna can be sharp and brutal when she wants to be, Harvey knows this about her and he can beyond doubt recall that look on her face. It's the very same one she wore when she wanted to get revenge on Malik, and Donna is fierce when she's vengeful.
Harvey matches her energy, probably because her words damages more than just his ego this time. (His heart perhaps.) "You wanna talk about inappropriate relationships? Sure, let's talk about how you went to meet your ex in a hotel room. The guy is married for god's sake!" Harvey spits, and he disguises the jealously he feels by sounding disgusted. Just the mere thought of her with someone else kills him and he realizes that he has absolutely no right to be this affected, because Donna isn't the one he's dating.
Somewhere in the back of his mind Harvey wonders if she ever feels the bitterness he does, whenever the thought of her with another person invades his head. If Paula is the reason for her coldness, just like Mark now add fuel to his anger.
Donna is still speechless, mouth hanging agape and eyes flickering. He has no idea, of how she hit rockbottom that night, or that it required her everything to claw her way back up again. Goddamn Rachel and Mike who can't keep their mouths shut because of course, Harvey would find out and use it against her.
"You don't know what you're talking about. And you don't get to judge me when-" Donna stops mid sentence, drawing in a sharp breath. She should have just told him that she can sleep with whoever the hell she wants, and that it's none of his business anymore, that it never was his business to begin with.
It's too late for that now.
"When what? Finish your sentence Donna." Harvey steps closer, the space between them now vanishing. He's challenging her, daring her to say it out loud, and his eyes unwillingly falls to her lips.
"Don't play dumb Harvey, it doesn't suite you." And then she's spinning around and escaping before they do something they'll regret.
Harvey shivers. The air is suddenly turning cold again.
Paula isn't blind. Something's changed. For one moment they're taking it relatively slow and the next he's asking her to move in.
She tries to push him about it, needing something more to confirm that he's actually serious and that this isn't just some impulsive and rash decision he'll regret later on. She questions him about why now and what's different from before. Harvey frowns at her choice of words, and Paula knows whom he connects them with. He used to talk about how Donna was different in therapy all the time, he could never answer why.
Eventually, she does agree, thinking he's ready. Harvey hands over the keys to his apartment and smirks at her. There's a cactus keychain attached to them that attracts her attention, Paula has no clue about the meaning behind it. She'll never know that the keys used to belong to the woman he's keeping secrets about.
In the end, it's his dreams that betrays him. He calls out Donna and Paula's whole world comes crumbling down, yet he sounds so peaceful, mumbling her name at night. She swears his kisses doesn't taste the same afterwards.
The third time it happens, she confronts him, and Harvey stares at her as if though she's outright lying. Like it's some kind of sick joke and he's just waiting for her to start laughing.
Paula doesn't laugh. His face falls. They kissed, he lies, he pulled away, he claims. Harvey almost convinces himself that that's what happened, because in this case, he hates the truth more than he hates lying.
A kiss is still not nothing, and Paula feels threatened, mildly speaking. She wants him to cut Donna off, for their sake, otherwise they won't make it. There's a glimmer of doubt shining through his eyes and it's enough evidence that even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
Paula walks out on him the same night. Looking at the keys she left behind, knowing who they once belonged to, hurts more than watching her leave.
Donna's been staying clear of Harvey, she hasn't picked any unnecessary discussions that could lead to anger turning lust, the risk all too big. Distance has been a real helper, and her frustration's just about begun to slowly melt away, when she overhears two new associates talking.
It wasn't that what Malik had accused her of didn't still hurt. The humiliation of being painted as a person who slept her way to the top cut deep. That everything she's earned rightfully, wasn't because she had the skills needed for the job, but in other departments instead. Hearing it in that courtroom had been awful enough, but today, tonight, the gossip drives her mad.
It's always about me and Harvey, she'd told Louis not too long ago. It appears it always will be. Donna once said that she'd follow Harvey to the ends of the earth, she hadn't known back then how much damage it would do today to be accused of such thing.
So when he enters her office, complaining about a document she hasn't given him in time, baiting for a reaction of some kind, Donna struggles to keep herself in check.
"I'd appreciate it if you'd hand over the document until tomorrow so I can sign the damn thing." He mutters, and she thinks he must have had a tough day himself to come in here and pretty much beg for a fight.
"I can't do this tonight, Harvey." She says roughly, not meeting his gaze.
Harvey flinches, not sure what she's getting at. "Do what? It's your job."
Your job. She wants to yell at him. Be angry for all the years her job involved taking care of him, and that he treated her more like his equal when she was his secretary than he is now.
"I'll have it done in the morning, just leave me alone."
"What is your problem?" He snaps and Donna's never met a more stubborn person in her life.
She turns around, facing him finally, and Harvey thinks she'll tell him off. But to his surprise, he finds her eyes blurry, a defeated look on her face. His anger drains in an instant.
"I got a job offer."
He doesn't speak, can't bring himself to do so. The words lay heavily upon him. He waits. Seconds feels like hours. He knows what she's going to say.
"I'm going to take it." She continues quietly.
He pushed her to this. He did this to them.
"It's over between me and Paula." It's ugly of him, he knows. He's been keeping it from her long enough, and he chooses to tell her now, a pathetic attempt to fix things.
Donna shakes her head at him. Her lips a thin line. As much as she loves the firm, and her friends, and the man standing before her, she's going to resign. She needs to. If she doesn't choose herself right now, she knows she never will.
"I'm sorry, Harvey. I've already made up my mind. I'll leave my letter of resignation on your desk tomorrow morning." Her voice is shaking, hoarse even, as she grabs her coat to flee the scene. She wonders if her legs will be able to carry her home, an almost unbearable weight pressing down on her shoulders.
"Donna-"
"No. Not this time, Harvey. I'm done. I don't have anymore fight in me. I spent thirteen years cleaning up your messes, thirteen years putting you above myself. I can't do it anymore."
"I never asked you to." It's half a lie, because sometimes he did express that he needed her, for more than just picking up his phone calls and setting his schedule. With his eyes and silent pleas, he's asked her to save him more times than he can count. And every damn time, she responded by pulling him out of that sinking ship.
"But you did it anyway." Harvey inhales a shaky breath before he carries on, a frozen Donna staring at him with teary eyes. "You should take the job."
"What?"
Harvey nods, forcing himself to look at her. "Yeah, if it's really what you want, I understand." It's the hardest thing he's ever done. He wants to scream his lungs out, cause she's the glue and everything will start falling apart from here.
Donna can't tell if he's being serious. "It is. Why-"
"Am I not fighting you on this?" He breathes out, clearly having a battle with himself. Because he owes her this much. He's been holding her back for too long.
"I guess I'm done fighting too. They'll be lucky to have you, Donna." Harvey means it, with every fiber of his being. He has no idea how they'll be able to stand on their feet without Donna at the firm. But he's not going beg her to stay when she wants to go. Not this time. And it's not out of pride he holds back from telling her, please don't go, it's out of respect.
His change of attitude makes Donna's heart tug. There's a quietness she has never experienced between them before hanging in the air. It's new and it's unfamiliar and Donna for once has absolutely no clue what Harvey's thinking. She almost reconsiders her decision to leave.
Almost is not enough, it's never been enough between them.
"Thank you, Harvey." And then she gone, a flash of red disappears out of his view. Harvey doesn't turn around, he grabs the chair in front of her desk, gripping it so tightly that his knuckles turn white.
Her steps echoes through the deserted hallway as she leaves.
He can't breathe.
There's a letter on his desk the next morning. He is afraid to touch it, like it will jump out and bite him. Harvey clenches his jaw, shoving it under a pile of papers. He will read it, he just needs a moment.
His head feels twice the size as he pours himself a glass of whiskey, and he knows better, that he should probably stick to water today. But the burn feels welcoming to his throat, replacing the knot in his stomach for awhile (only to tie more of them in the process).
Four hours later, he stumbles to the bathroom, sweaty palms colliding with the toilet ring, as he heaves his guts out. Tears burn of embarrassment because he thought he was better, better than losing himself along with losing her.
Louis calls him out on his bullshit after seven whole days of endless hell. Claiming that Harvey may as well be setting himself on fire, with his self destructive behavior. He'll take the firm with him to the ground if he continues. Harvey stares blankly out the windows in his office, like he'll happily watch the whole place burn to aches.
It's when Louis threatens to let Donna in on the situation, that something inside him shifts. He books an appointment with Louis therapist a week later, much to his own surprise, and he shortly afterwards cuts down on the drinking to the point where he doesn't buy a new bottle when the old one runs out.
It's been five whole weeks. Not a sign or a word from Donna. Strangely, Mike and Rachel haven't interfered with the situation, and a part of Harvey is scared that the reason for that is because Donna's made herself perfectly clear to them. She's done with him.
But a wedding is coming up, and he knows she'll be there.
His fingers shake as he scrolls through his contact list, finding her name listed in his favorites still. He sends a text before he can chicken out.
[ How's the new job? ]
Harvey throws his phone on his bed, deciding to take a quick shower. It's pretty goddamn late, so she's probably asleep anyways. His heart leaps when he returns to his bedroom, and a buzzing sound rents the air.
[ It's fine. The firm? ]
He misses her voice, and he wishes he had the balls to call her instead, but it's safer like this.
[ Bit of a mess, but we'll work it out. ]
He replies within seconds, and his text says read immediately. Reviling that she has seen it. An hour passes and no response comes. He doesn't blame her, there isn't much to say.
The next morning, Harvey wakes up by his third alarm, groaning as he finally pushes himself out of bed. When he grabs his phone to turn it off, there's another message from Donna.
[ I don't doubt that you will. ]
He walks a tiny bit lighter that day, the slightest indication that she still has faith in him being enough to release the unrelenting grip of anxiety grasping his lungs.
Donna can't keep her eyes off him. It's close to being two months since she last saw him. Not once in thirteen years, have they gone that long without seeing each other. There's been some more texting, normally Harvey checking in on how she's been doing. And Donna has found herself both frustrated and grateful for the space he's been giving her. There's been no sign of bitterness or anger from his side, actually, he's been appearing oddly sweet, from the little she's heard of him.
The job has been good for her, time consuming for sure, but keeping herself busy has also made his absence easier to deal with. Yet now, as she witnesses him moving around the bar, chatting with their friends, Donna has to stop herself from rushing in his direction.
The wedding is absolutely beautiful, she's just anxious to why he still hasn't approached her, as the dance floor starts to shrink and the evening's coming to an end. Harvey's never had much self control, so perhaps the case is, that he doesn't want to speak with her. But her instincts tells her that that can't be it, because she has felt his eyes boring into her for hours.
The bar is basically empty when she steals the spot next to him.
"Hey." She's fidgeting with her ring as she speaks, giving him a light smile.
Harvey looks down at his hands, not saying anything.
"Harvey-"
"How long have you known they were leaving?" He isn't accusing her of anything, it's a genuine question, his voice filled with emotion. If she's shocked by his inability to hide his pain, like he usually does, she doesn't let on.
Donna sighs, "A few days. Did he tell you tonight?"
Harvey nods. She itches to touch him then, her hand twitching at her side. She wishes there was some way the could comfort him without stepping into dangerous territory.
"I'm sorry." Is all the can offer in the end. She'd been more worried about Harvey than thrilled for her friends when Rachel had shared the news with her. She guesses some might argue that it's because she knows it'll kill him a bit inside, and Donna's always been able to feel Harvey's pain.
She cried when his dad died. She'd never met the man, but she felt Harvey's loss. This time she isn't there to pick up the pieces if Harvey spirals. That's as terrifying to her as she thinks it is for Harvey.
"Thank you, Donna." He turns to look at her, the corner of his mouth tugging upwards just the slightest.
"You want me to order us a few drinks?" It's innocent enough, and she's testing the waters. She knows they need to actually talk and not leave everything in the unsaid, if they want to repair the bond between them that they broke. Because yes, Donna was livid at first, so angry at him for the way he treated her. But as time slowly begun to pass, the last seven weeks taught her to accept that she played her part in what happened. She was jealous and she kissed him, and it wasn't fair.
She wants them to be more than just a few texts once in awhile, which is why his response breaks her heart a tiny bit. "I'm good, thanks."
"Oh, okay." She withdraws, having moved much closer to him without noticing. Donna reaches for her purse, preparing to leave as her cheeks burn with heat.
Harvey halts her, his fingers gripping her wrist and her eyes fixates on his touch. "Donna, wait. I didn't mean I want you to go, I'm just not drinking tonight. I'll order you one though, and we can talk."
Oh.
"Okay." Her head is spinning, partly from the wine, but also because she's trying to piece together a puzzle in her mind, but none of the goddamn pieces fits.
"I never think I've heard you say no to a drink before." She mumbles, more to herself than to Harvey. But her confusion doesn't escape him, and it answers the question that's been bugging him all evening.
She doesn't know.
"Yeah, well, I don't seem to be able to hold my liquor very well these days." He tries, hoping to rid the frown on her face with his light tone. He doesn't succeed.
"What do you mean?"
"Let's just say I had a pretty tough week, or weeks, after you left. It's fine now, i'm handling it, but i'd preferably stay sober as for tonight."
Donna locks his eyes, worry rising within her. "What happened?"
Harvey swallows, scratching his neck. "I had a panic attack, and then another. Tried to drink it away. Didn't work. Luckily for me, Louis therapist is somewhat of a genius, so I'm getting myself back on track again." He attempts to make it sound less alarming than it actually is, but realizes he must have failed horribly, as Donna quickly wipes at her cheek.
He knows it's a lot to process, and he doesn't like dumping it all on her in one go, but lying wouldn't have been any better. "It's not your fault."
"You could have called." She croaks out.
Harvey shakes his head. "You were angry with me, Donna. And you had every right to be. You deserved to be angry without having to worry about my feelings for once."
He's right of course, but the information is still new to Donna and she wants to lash out at somebody, anybody, for keeping this from her. The guilt eats at her, makes the ground underneath her feel unsteady, like it might open up and swallow her whole.
"I shouldn't have kissed you, I'm sorry." She whispers, the apology hitting him hard.
Harvey nods then, deciding to take this conversation in another direction, because he's never been good with seeing her cry. "Don't get me wrong, it was a good kiss, or whatever you wanna call it," He grins. He actually has the audacity to grin, "but maybe the timing wasn't perfect."
Donna laughs with teary eyes, "God, you're an idiot."
She playfully smacks his shoulder with her purse, shaking her head at that cheshire cat grin that she's missed so much.
He motions his head towards the crowd of people swaying back and forth. "What do you say?"
Donna bits her lip, accepting his hand, so much for not stepping into dangerous territory, and then she leads them out on the dance floor.
And Dr. Lipschitz warned him around rushing things. Strongly advising him to not throw himself into bed with the woman he's been madly in love with for the past decade. Harvey had laughed at the comment, as if Donna would ever sleep with him when she didn't feel anything.
But now, as he has her pinned against the wall in the nearest empty hallway they could find, he thinks she might have lied to him. Donna's panting hard as he sucks on her neck, finding that spot that made her go wild all those years ago. Her fingers grip his shoulders and suit or not, he's sure they dig deep enough to bruise him.
One of his hands sneak under her dress, supporting her thigh as he grinds into her and a loud whimper unwillingly escapes her. Harvey shuts her up with another kiss, his tongue entering her mouth, she tastes like wine and Donna hums against him. They're a mess truly. Her lipstick is smudged and her hair is all over the place, thanks to his wandering hands. He thinks, he might need her like he needs oxygen. She fits into every single one of his cracks, she makes him feel whole.
It's just as desperate and rough as the night in her office, and it hits him, as her hands move to palm his face, urging him on, that he's not gonna survive losing her again. He doesn't want her for one night, and perhaps having her up against a wall at their best friends wedding, won't do anything but complicate the situation. Harvey's completely clueless to what Donna's thinking, and the last time they had sex she wanted to forget it had ever happened. The last time they touched, it ruined them. Why would this time be any different?
Donna slows down the pace, slowly pulling away from him. Of course she can sense something's on his mind. Harvey sighs, leaning into the hand that's now softly stroking his cheek. The action makes his heart beat too fast, her affection being the last thing he expected.
"What's wrong?" She asks carefully.
He struggles to find his words. "Nothing, nothing's wrong, I just-"
After stumbling across what he really wants to confess, Harvey settles with, "We should talk first, Donna. I don't wanna lose you again."
It's rare, that he's being the rational one, and Donna blushes a little, knowing she was the one who had basically dragged him off the dance floor and thrown herself at him. She should be more cautious with her heart, given their history.
Donna clears her throat, "Yeah, you're right. Sorry."
She shies away from him, doubts clouding her mind as his hands fall from her sides, leaving behind a cold sensation. She loves him, he loves her, they've said as much in the past. Will it be enough this time?
"Hey, Donna. Look at me."
When she doesn't, he takes matters into his own hands. His hands return to her face, and this time she has nowhere to turn. Donna's speechless as he kisses her again, it's different. It's slow, and soft, and it's comforting, reassuring, it's a promise.
It's more.
He feels like he's ice and she's fire, and she makes him melt. He relaxes into her touch, she rests her forehead against his.
When Harvey tells Donna that he loves her that same night, he doesn't throw the words at her. He doesn't blurt them out only to head for the nearest door. He sits with them, he repeats them, he unravels them, he gives and he gives and he gives, until she fully understands all the whys and hows.
She's terrified, his honesty setting all of her nerves on fire. She's a complete stranger to this side of Harvey, all she's ever gotten is glimpses and now there's no walls to fight against, their lines are vanished, and he's being vulnerable.
He doesn't push her to open up. He gently asks if she needs space, and Donna knows, sees, that he will give it to her if she says so. He's done taking. But god, they've had enough distance for a lifetime. She doesn't want to wait anymore.
Donna shakes her head, no more hiding it is.
"I never-" She starts, feeling a bit awkward. "I didn't sleep with Mark that night. I went there, yes, but I never slept with him."
Harvey stares at her. She's sitting at the end of the bed in the hotel room rented for him, and she shifts uncomfortably, feeling out of place. He leans forward in the tattered armchair, tilting his head at her.
"I know. But for the record, it wouldn't have made me see you any differently if you had."
Donna brows knit together. "Really?"
"Donna. We all make mistakes, even you. That's okay. The guy is a prick though, so I'm glad you didn't." He mumbles the latter and she huffs, he'll still take any chance to express his dislike for her exes.
"You think everyone I've ever been with is a prick, Harvey." She glares at him, but she can't really be mad, her track record with men isn't the best and she knows.
Harvey shrugs, "Because they are. None of them ever deserved you."
"Right."
"You're gonna pretend that you liked my past girlfriends?" He lifts an eyebrow. Maybe it's too soon.
"Oh I'm not sure I would go as far as calling them girlfriends." She bits her tongue from elaborating further. And yeah, Paula is still a sensitive subject.
Fair enough, he thinks.
"But no, of course I didn't." Donna admits at last, and Harvey fails to hide his amusement. She calls him an idiot again and he chuckles lowly.
Harvey warms his hands on her body throughout that night. It's different.
It's enough to make them both stay.