A/N: something I wrote both for Steven's birthday and a vent of feelings I've struggled with for years to come.

He can tell when something is on Steven's mind.

Steven will be distracted, staring at something he's holding deep into its soul. The emotions in his face might range, but the most prominent ones are exhaustion and hesitance, and sometimes anger too.

It's been two years, despite a few meetups after Steven's return, and Lars almost doesn't recognize the kid. First, he's almost his height, and now he's the quietest he's ever been. Lars gets that Steven has grown up and has a lot to deal with, but he can't help feeling concerned for him.

Lars is doing the most of putting things away, now he's on the decorations. Steven is merely sitting at the table, holding onto an empty plastic cup. The former has insisted Steven doesn't do a thing, because today is his special day and he doesn't need to work hard for anyone else. Lars is the one who came up with the party, so it's really the least he could do for the boy who pretty much changed his life.

The silence is worrisome. He noticed Steven wasn't very focused during the party. It was almost like he was… drifting away.

He doesn't push it, of course, but for a birthday… it is strange.

There's still a piece of the giant Cookie Cat on Steven's plate, barely touched. When Lars is done cleaning, he finally comes up to the table.

"Are you gonna eat that?" He asks calmly.

Steven though seems to leave a trance as he blinks his eyes multiple times.

"No, yeah, I mean…" he sighs in frustration. "Just leave it here."

Lars shrugs, complying to his request. Now he goes to wash the dishes, some of which were already washed by Sadie, so he doesn't have much to do left.

"… Are you sure you don't want help?" Steven points out.

"Yeah, I'm 100% sure. Just take your time."

He really doesn't mind.

Steven doesn't insist. Except…

"… I'm sorry."

Lars stops.

"What?"

"You- You worked so hard to throw me a party but I'm not—" Steven presses his fingers against his eyes, like he's going to cry. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Lars puts away the plate he was cleaning and turns his attention to the other boy.

"I'm sixteen now, I'm finally back home, but…" Steven moves his hand to his forehead, his eyes growing deep. "I-I'm not happy, for some reason."

He only listens sympathetically. Steven looks like he's trying to suppress his tears. This kid who was always so open about his feelings, now is striving to be made of stone.

"I'm sorry, Lars, I know you wanted to do this for me- I-I'm grateful for it, I swear, it's just—" his voice only waters, close to rupturing a dam.

"Hey, don't worry, buddy," Lars answers simply. "Just tell me how you're feeling."

Steven seems surprised for a moment, which hurts Lars inside, but thankfully the tears start rolling.

"… I felt…" he sniffs. "Alone."

(Something seems to flicker in Lars' mind.)

"Everyone was having fun, but… I wasn't. It felt like I didn't belong there," Steven continues. "It's so weird. I didn't have any problem interacting with them, but then… I just couldn't connect with them."

Lars hums. "Well, maybe it's because you were away for a while?"

"I guess, but… it's not just them, either."

"What do you mean?"

"It's- It's everyone. Gems, humans… they're all moving on with their lives, and they're happy and fulfilled… with each other," Steven sighs again. "Their lives are great without me. They don't need me."

Oh, ouch.

"Steven…"

The kid ponders for a while.

"… Maybe it's my fault. Like you said, I was away for too long, now I don't even know how to socialize anymore."

"Hey, I didn't say it was your fault. You had to do your thing, you went out there and saved the galaxy. That's a lot to take in."

Steven crosses his arms, though trying to dry his tears with one of them. Lars sighs.

"Look, I get it. You feel like an outsider. That's perfectly understandable."

Much to his surprise, the other mumbles, spiteful, "… Who are you to say?"

Lars frowns. "Excuse me?"

"I mean, you- you became a cool space pirate, and everyone LOVES you! The Off Colors, the Cool Kids, Sadie, your parents, they all love you and welcome you, and you're not left alone the moment they're done with you!"

He admits he's not expecting the lashing out, but Lars doesn't get angry. No, he doesn't have the right to. Because this is a teenager in distress, a teenager dealing with clear anxiety, and possibly abandonment issues…

How could he ever be angry at someone feeling this way?

"Okay, you have a point. But do you remember how much of a mess I was before I became a space pirate?" Lars reminds him, not at all annoyed. "I couldn't even stand in the same room as the Cool Kids because I was terrified of what they would think of me. For the longest time I was barely even their friend because I didn't know what I was doing. And let me tell you, they didn't like me at first. I could tell they didn't. And hell, I couldn't even go out there to hang out with Sadie in public because I was too caught up with how I was perceived."

Steven starts looking guilty of his outburst, and before he opens his mouth to apologize, Lars continues:

"Steven, let me tell you a secret. Sometimes, I still get scared. I've been more open than I was my whole life. Yeah, it's been two years, I'm better than who I was, but it's a long process, I'm still trying my best to open up and be honest, because it's… it's hard for me, to this day." He pauses, looking at his own pink hands. "Sure, I don't show it, but I won't lie to you and say that I'm perfectly okay and secure now. Because it's not realistic of me to just cure my insecurities and move on. No, some nights I lie awake wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if they actually like me, if I even deserve to have friends. But a very wise friend told me once, it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to have doubts, it's okay to feel out of place and even alone. That doesn't make me a coward. That makes me human."

Lars exhales after the whole speech because it's still a lot that he deals with. At least he's more honest about it than before. After everything he's been through, it's more than fair for him to back down and really think through it all.

He can only imagine then, how it must be for Steven, a kid who had to toughen up and save Earth and thousands of other aliens, including the common people's everyday problems, as he would hear from the other Beach City citizens.

"So, it's okay for you to feel this way." He reaches a hand out to Steven's shoulder and squeezes it gently. "And it's okay to tell someone how you feel, too."

Steven stares back, deep into Lars' eyes, only for the kid to break down in tears again. And this time, actually break down in ugly sobbing. He's probably held this on for too long, unable to properly come to terms with it, and now is the right time for him to confront these feelings.

Lars stands on his feet as he pulls Steven in a hug, letting the boy sob in his chest. He stays firm for him, letting it all out, making sure someone is there to catch him during the worst of it. He stays the entire time, until Steven tells him it's enough.

He doesn't say it with words, instead gently pulling away from Lars. Steven then stretches his arms and takes a deep breath.

"… I think I'm gonna finish my cake now," he speaks, pulling his chair back to the table.

"Knock yourself out."

Once Steven takes a bite, he makes a pleased sound and says, "This is the best Cookie Cat I've ever eaten."

"Of course, I'm the best."

"What happened to the humble Captain Lars?"

Lars snorts and resumes washing the dishes.