"Katsuragi... the truth is with you, don't hesitate. Move ahead. If I can see you again, I will say... the words that I could not say eight years ago. Bye."
"This message was recorded at 2:03 PM."
She sat silently, gaze fixated on the answering machine. She didn't remember how long she'd been there. Hours, probably. Hours of speedrunning through four stages of grief in a pool of her own tears for an ever-increasing audience of empty beer cans. Were it not for the starless night sky creeping into the corner of her vision through the window, Misato would've struggled to even remember what day it was.
The first time she played the message, it hit her like a shotgun blast. He hadn't explicitly confirmed or denied anything, but the... finality in his voice... it would've been impossible not to put two and two together.
Still, she struggled to believe it - or maybe it was more that she refused to. Through uncontrollable sobbing, she kept repeating the message over and over, trying to convince herself it was some sort of sick joke only he would find funny.
Only when the tears dried up could she stomach the truth. She would never see Ryoji Kaji again. And there was nothing she could do that would change that.
So she pressed the button on the answering machine again.
"Katsuragi. It's me. I'm sure you're listening to this message, especially after I caused you so much trouble. I'm sorry."
"Shouldn't you be talking to someone else right now, Captain Katsuragi?"
Maybe she had a point. Maybe Misato should've taken Ritsuko's advice right then and there, headed home, and mustered up the strength to talk to one of the kids... but that was easier said than done. Shinji was holed up in his room, even moreso than usual. And come to think of it, she had no idea where Asuka had run off to.
So, here she was. Alone in some barely-used break room at Nerv HQ with the only woman she could even tangibly call a friend. And even that might've been stretching it these days.
"Ritsuko, just... just listen to me, please," she pleaded, pinching the bridge of her nose with exasperation. "Y-you're right, yes. I should be. And I will. But if there's anyone I'm gonna come to about this first, you at least... understand why it's you, right?"
"Right. Because you've run out of people that'll give you an audience, so I'm your backup plan. We've been through this before."
It took Misato a second to recover from that one. Offended as she was that Ritsuko would say something like that so bluntly, she... couldn't help but admit that her words only cut so deep because of how accurate they were.
"Look, I know. I know that, a-and I'm sorry, I'm not... trying to." God, she wasn't even convincing herself with that; what else was she even supposed to say, though? "Ritsuko. Listen. This time's different... I told you what he said, didn't I? We're... we're so close to figuring all this out. But I can't do that without you. You're the only one who can help me here."
Ritsuko said nothing. Not immediately, at least. Her frigid glare remained unbroken, well on its way to making Misato the second-coldest she'd ever felt, as she folded her arms with irritation. It was almost as if she were expecting a punchline.
Finally, she spoke. "So I'm the only one who can help you, then. Interesting. If that's the case, explain why you didn't come to me once until he was-"
"W-what, did you seriously think I was never going to?!" Misato snapped back, futilely attempting to dig herself out of a hole already several hundred feet deep.
Ritsuko, meanwhile, seemed to have graduated to full-blown disgust - and at this point? Misato didn't blame her. "If you were going to, Captain, then what was the point of leaving me in the dark at all? Or maybe you weren't even considering letting me in on everything until shit hit the fan, is that it? Like I said. Backup plan. Since the moment he entered your life, that's what I've been."
One particular night stood out in Ritsuko's memory, back in college. She'd noticed an auto magazine lying on her desk and decided to flip through it... how it got there, she wasn't really sure. She was never much into cars - that was more Misato's speed - but even she realized the numbers on the cover were particularly eye-popping.
Maybe it could serve as a conversation starter. They hadn't talked much in a while, so...
"Hey, Misato," she started, peering up from the glossy pages as her roommate emerged from the bathroom, "were you aware that this, erm, Bugatti has a... W16 engine? I've heard of V-shaped and inline engines, but what would that-"
"It's pretty much two V8s frankensteined together at a 90-degree angle. It's technically a WR16, 'cause Volkswagen do that whole thing where the engine shares cylinder heads for both banks, but that's a whole different can of worms. The part that gets me is the quad-turbos, I don't even wanna imagine how much of a maintenance nightmare that thing's gonna be..."
Not once did Misato meet Ritsuko's eyes as she went on and on about the car's specs - dealing with the last of her makeup seemed far more important to her. In fact, she was wearing a particularly nice dress, too, at least by her standards.
She looked... attractive. She always did, of course, but the formal getup really accentuated it. If only Ritsuko could muster up the courage to actually tell her that.
But it was too late now, wasn't it? She knew where Misato was going.
At the very least, perhaps they could talk a little while longer before then. "Have... any other vehicles used four turbos?" she asked, watching as Misato sat down on the couch beside her and awkwardly fumbled with her gladiator sandals - seemed like she still wouldn't wear heels, even now.
"Yeah, Chrysler were working on a car that slapped four turbos on an AMG V12, but Mercedes got pissy about the idea of it showing up the SLR, so they stepped in and- hold on, I gotta check what time it is."
A quick glance at her watch and a grumbled "goddammit" later, Misato shot up from the couch and stumbled her way to the door as quickly as she could. "Sorry, already late, gotta go. See ya later, Rits."
"W-well, when do you think you'll be-"
And before she could even finish her sentence, Misato was gone. "...back."
"That's why you never called, huh?" Slowly, Misato laid her face in her hands. "That's why you stopped talking to me?"
"I stopped talking to you?" Ritsuko lit a cigarette and didn't bother smoking it. "You didn't want to talk. I could tell, Captain Katsuragi, that you never wanted me around."
"Didn't- I-"
She had told her they could call anytime, right? She had Ritsuko's number in her phone. Her current number, it stayed the same after all these years. Had she called for her birthdays? Had... she had to have called sometimes. They must have taken... time to catch up...
Ha. No, she already knew she hadn't. Misato Katsuragi lived a life of 'should haves,' and this was just another one in the pile.
Ritsuko continued, her expression shifting to something more... forlorn than anything. "After a while, I came to the conclusion that... you two were so happy together, there just wasn't enough room for me. Not to say I didn't consider him a friend, because I did. But when it was just the two of us... I don't know, things just... felt a lot more personal. It probably sounds like such a selfish way of thinking, but... well, it's how I feel."
God, Ritsuko was right. Misato had completely derailed their friendship, and for what? A relationship that she herself ultimately backed out of? Was she really so shortsighted she couldn't manage to have more than one friend?
Idiot. She was such an idiot. "Ritsuko..."
Heaving a sigh, the scientist finally took a drag of her cigarette. "Then again, maybe part of it was on me. I had forever to tell you how I really felt and just wasted it."
...Wait. Huh?
"How you... really felt?" echoed Misato, tilting her head a bit. "What do you mean by that, felt about what? M... me?"
For a moment, Ritsuko just stood there, as if she were trying to calculate how to explain something that wasn't supposed to come out in the first place. And, well... if Misato's assumptions were correct, she didn't really blame her.
"...I guess there's really no use avoiding the subject. Back then, Katsuragi... I had feelings for you. Pretty much from the moment we became friends."
Misato had always kind of assumed that Ritsuko was, at the very least, not straight. That part didn't surprise her. The fact that she'd specifically pined for her? That was a surprise. "Wait, so... you were actually crushing on me back in college? I... I never woulda guessed. Figured there was no way I'd be your type."
Ritsuko shrugged. "Well, you know what they say about opposites attracting and so on." She took a seat on the nearest chair, putting out her now-lipstick-stained cigarette in a conveniently-placed ashtray. Misato, for one, wasn't surprised to see it there, considering she'd breathed in way more secondhand smoke during her time at Nerv than she would've liked.
Soon, the captain found herself sitting across the table from Ritsuko, eager to learn more about this revelation. "Why'd you never tell me about this? Just nerves?"
"That was... one aspect, yes, but it wasn't that simple. Sometimes I worried that it'd destroy our friendship if I told you... or even if I just said 'hey, by the way, I like women.' Silly as it might sound, you have to remember attitudes are a lot different now than they were ten years ago, y'know? Then by the time I would've had enough courage to just spit it out... well, you were already with him. Even after you two... um, split... it felt like that ship had sailed."
Huh. Never in her life did Misato expect for Ritsuko to spell things out so clearly for her. Especially not now.
"I... I see." It all made perfect sense, but she was still trying to process the root of it all - that Ritsuko Akagi, of all people, had feelings for her at one point in time. She was hearing all this right, wasn't she? A quick pinch to her thigh under the table, and... nope, nothing changed. This was real.
And it was just making her feel even guiltier.
"Then again, I guess it was a bit of a pipe dream anyway," Ritsuko mused aloud. "It all hinged on whether or not you were even open to the idea in the first place. I... cannot imagine those odds would have been particularly high."
Now that really threw Misato for a loop. How long had they known each other, now? A decade, give or take? And she'd never noticed.
"...Ritsuko, you... you do know that I'm bi, right...?"
Judging by the scientist's face, she clearly didn't. "You're... eh...?"
"Yeah, like... I've never really tried to hide it, y-you've really never noticed I've left bars with other women before?! I... r-right before he and Asuka came here, I went and spent the night at that math teacher's place! You were with me!"
Ritsuko's puzzled expression held firm. "Doesn't ring a bell. I... don't remember you ever outright telling me, so I guess I just never picked up on it."
Christ, and Misato thought she was out of the loop. "Hey, listen, don't worry about it," she reassured Ritsuko with a sheepish smile. "Guess it was kinda my fault that I never mentioned it in the first place... don't go blaming yourself."
"...Thanks."
"No problem... hey, gimme a sec, I'm gonna get a drink." Rising from her chair, Misato approached the pair of dusty vending machines humming away in the corner of the break room - one serving non-alcoholic drinks, and one stocked with... well, the opposite.
Ultimately, she decided to slide a few banknotes into the regular machine and punch in the code for a canned coffee.
As she returned to the table, Ritsuko took notice. "Not getting smashed on the clock anymore, are we?" she commented, her cherry-red lips curling into a teasing smirk.
"I mean, you'd think, right? But no, not anymore... there's enough bullshit going on right now. Don't need my head swimming in booze on top of all that."
"Ah... so that's why, then." Ritsuko grimaced a bit as she remembered what the two were talking about in the first place. "Still, though, I... I'm proud of you. I understand it's not easy, especially at a time like this."
"Thanks. After all, it's... well, I think it's what he would've wanted."
Misato cracked open her can of coffee, watching as Ritsuko reached into her lab coat's pocket for a pack of cigarettes. The scientist stared at it for a few seconds, but ultimately decided to stow it away rather than light one up; Misato gave a silent nod of gratitude in response.
In fact, the two went quite a bit without saying anything to each other. Not that she could speak for Ritsuko, but at least from Misato's end... it was just nice to have her around. It reminded her of before. Before Nerv, before the Evas, before... all of this.
"...Hey, uh... Ritsuko?"
"Hm? What is it?"
Misato's eyes wandered down towards the can of coffee cupped in her hands. "...You were right, what you said. I totally shut you out after we graduated, and... I mean, yeah, that was pretty shitty of me to do. Hell, even now I've been doing it, and I guess I didn't even realize it until-"
"Misato. It's alright."
She perked back up, staring across the table into Ritsuko's grayish-green eyes. She... wasn't calling her "Captain Katsuragi" any more, huh?
Letting out a small sigh, the scientist continued, "Look, it's not as if I'm blameless here - I'm willing to admit that I may have let my jealousy get the best of me, and I feel just as bad about it looking back. But... that's the thing. It's looking back. At a time like this, dwelling on past mistakes... there's no point to it. E-especially now that he's..."
Misato couldn't help but notice her look away as her voice trailed off... and it was only then when she realized something. Neither of them had said his name throughout this entire conversation.
With a solemn nod, Misato finished for her. "I know. Kaji's gone... it's just us now."
"Right. So, with that in mind, I... think it would be best for us to put all this behind us. After all, it's just like you said... everything's starting to come together. And neither of us would be able to put all those pieces in the right places alone, would we?"
"...So... you're gonna help me out?"
Ritsuko responded with a chuckle, one with the kind of warmth Misato hadn't heard in her voice in years. "I wouldn't leave a friend of mine out to dry like that... of course I will."
Misato couldn't have been happier. She'd taken Ritsuko aside with the hopes of at least gaining an ally, and after an admittedly rocky start, well... she'd ended up getting her best friend back.
She rose from her chair, as did the scientist, and the two were together in a warm embrace before the idea had even fully registered in Misato's head. Choking back tears, she buried her face into Ritsuko's shoulder, mumbling out muffled "thank you"s over and over.
Right there, in that room at that exact moment, was when she truly began to believe. Believe that, somehow, after all they'd been through, things would still turn out alright in the end.
