Nocturne By RS LUEBBEN

Chapter One

There is nothing like life kicking you in balls to make you suddenly get religious. My good friend Luke is the most religious person I know but didn't become so until he was trying to kick being a raging alcoholic. I rarely found my way into a church but found myself on my knees at every ache and pain or after a hard night of drinking. I wouldn't say that I've found God and that is why I find myself in a church today. When your doctor tells you that you probably will be taking the journey of permanent sleep soon, it just seemed natural. Well, my doctor didn't give me a timeline for they don't really do that, he was just honest and let me know that pain, and suffering were very likely in my forecast. Doctors are ultimately weathermen when it comes to forecasting. They can see the signs and conditions but it's still just a guess, but a damn good one. So here I am attending a church service pretending like I have a clue of what to do and say. I feel like an alien in a foreign world. I don't actually believe that by coming here I'll be healed and everything will be right as rain. I think I was hoping to feel comforted or uplifted. I don't really feel either but it's not really the churches fault. I came to a decision about my life and thought maybe I'd be shown a sign or something to validate it. I don't think that's how it works though. I suppose one way or another I'll find out soon all there is to know about death.
I've decided that living with eventual pain just isn't going to do. So I'm thinking of going out with a bang, pun intended. I'm going to do a whole bunch of things I've always wanted to do but never had the courage. Once you've accepted that you are going to die it becomes a sort of liberation. You no longer fear things was much for in your mind what ever consequences won't have to be faced. You'll be dead and gone, free from worry. It's liberating but also dangerous. People who remove fear are capable of anything, even the most grotesque of things. I'm only looking to harm myself to save the future agony from coming. In truth it isn't just my health that has been failing. I struggle to find reasons why life exists. There is this cycle of birth and rebirth. Where your only purpose seems to be to keep this world going for the next generation. For the vast majority of people in a couple of generations all that will be remembered of them is that they kept the human race going. We chase after beauty in all things but beauty is in a constant rate of decay. So our generation is only good to be the ashes of which the next can be reborn. We are all in a constant state of repair. Our houses, cars, and bodies. We as a species were never so free as when we were nomadic. Nomadic people only keep what is essential in life. Modern society has got us all so anxiety ridden. We allow input on our self worth from people making comments on social media or how many followers you have. It's a superficial society that is built on shaky foundations. As soon as decided my fate I began to realize how unimportant the vast majority of our lives are. We let money, riches, beauty become what represents us to the world but those are all superficial and are taken from you in death. Well, not that my goal is to critique and judge the world before I go. Its just a certain clarity happens when your priorities shift. I'm certainly no saint and don't plan on doing saint things on my way out. I'll be just as selfish as the rest and indulge in shallow pleasure. Clarity of thought doesn't mean clarity in actions. I mean I'm no genius but it seems to me that all religions basically distill down to if we act selfish, putting ourselves first with our needs, then we have lived normally. If we live selflessly, putting others needs always first, then we will live again. You can call it heaven or freedom from suffering. We all know, it's just nobody really does it. That could be just my 24 years of life experience talking, and what do I know? I will miss this town and the whole North Shore of Superior. The many trails in the woods and lapping waves of the lake have been my most constant companion. Whenever things get bad, just go sit on a rock by the lake or head up a trail by a river. Then everything else travels away from your mind and you wish it would never end. If you're wondering how this is going to effect my family and that this isn't fair to them to end my life. I was the only child of a couple who had me late in life by surprise and they both have already passed on. So if heaven is real and I qualify for the team, I just might get to see them again. That can only be further incentive to check out. If it's to a fire and torment, its a little late in the hour for me to be avoiding that crossroad. If I just get reincarnated and have to come back to this circus, that will be most disappointing. I just want off the rollercoaster, and have Neve really loved the ride. Can I just please cut the strings off from the puppet masters? Well, that's enough pleasant thoughts for this church to handle so I suppose I should get going putting this hair brain idea into action. What foolishness should I begin with in this descending odyssey of my life? I hope there are sirens on my path as there were for Ulysses.