He's just like his dad. He hates him, he hates them both. Will promised himself he wouldn't be like him but he was guzzling down whiskey. Not enough. Not enough. He could still think, could still remember. More, he needs more. He had swiped it from the party, whose party he couldn't remember. All he remembers is locking lips with Heather and then leaving, stumbling home by the side of the road.

It's 2 AM, In Hawkins, his mom would never let this happen. Granted, his mom also doesn't know that he's drinking himself stupid most nights. The sun is gone, and the meager warmth is gone as well. The summer is gone and Indiana is just cold, so cold. Sometimes he misses the warmth of California but he hadn't wanted to move back after everyone left. He hadn't wanted to move so far away from everyone, hoping that the lack of thousands of miles between them would keep them together. It didn't.

He had been stupid again because they knew they had to know somehow, even though he never told them, they had to know. That's why they weren't calling or writing because they know that deep down Will is wrong, that Will is a mistake, a monster. He winces as the strong alcohol stings his throat on the way down but the strong bitter taste is better than the other tastes that make him gag that never seem to leave him alone.

He was stupid but even he eventually got the message after months of trying to call the party to get them to meet up again, to play D & D, or even just hang out at an arcade. Even talking to them on the phone was like pulling teeth and Will eventually had to accept it. Accept that monsters and mistakes didn't have friends. If they knew the truth, they would have left anyways. It's better that they left before they knew. He took another harsh mouthful and looked at the grove of trees.

The trees look the same as they did in Hawkins but he knows there's no way a Demogorgon is going to come chasing after him here. El killed Venca and sealed off the Upside Down a year ago but not before-No. He hit his head with his palms hurt enough to cause pain to lance through his head.

Whiskey, he needed more whiskey. He had to make it go away. He had to make everything go away. Monster. Mistake. Monster. Mistake. Only, he seemed to be out of alcohol, the thing he both loved and hated. Just like his Dad. He was just like his Dad. Monster. Mistake. So much. Too much. His stomach. Pain. Too much. His stomach. It's shaking. It's blending.

He finds himself bent over on the ground and hurling despite not having eaten much. It helps get him drunk faster and food feels wrong now. Besides, it's not like anyone really notices. Mostly bile comes up and for how often this happens, he should be more used to the taste and the way his body contorts.

Will freezes as a hand comes to rest on his shoulder. Who would touch him? Who would know he's here? Why does the hand feel so warm? He didn't realize how cold it was and he only has a light jacket. He likes the cold. Should they all just burn him away? Would it get rid of the taint or just kill him?

"Will, are you okay?" He recognizes El's voice. She must have been looking for him with her powers. She does that sometimes. She's the only one left who cares but only because she has to. Their siblings now. They live in the same house, she has to care. She sounds concerned but she wouldn't be if she knew. She would hate him, maybe even destroy him, like she did with Vecna and the Mind Flayer.

His trembling, though he's not sure if it's just from vomiting or from the drinking. Or maybe he's shivering from the cold. Will doesn't look up at her but El moves into his line of vision. She looks concerned. She shouldn't. She wouldn't if she knew. She would know what to do. Her hair has grown to her ears, she looks down at him biting down on her lip. He looks away unable to maintain eye contact. Blood, black blood, ash, dust.

"You smell again." He briefly looks up to see El wrinkling her nose. He wonders if she means the vomit or the booze. Did it matter? He was still trembling and then notices their house in the distance. When they moved from Hawkins they got a 4 bedroom house, 1 for Johnathan who was now in college, 1 for El, he got his own room and his Mom and Hopper shared one. They had married six months after the move. It's also the last time he saw most of his friends. He somehow managed to get much closer stumbling in the dark than he thought.

The house was so close like a light at the end of the tunnel and Will found the strength to stumble back onto his feet. El grabbed his hand stubbornly and wouldn't let go.

"You need to stop." Will blinks at her. Why would he stop? He knows when he gets sober he hates himself even more than normal but he's still drunk and the holes in his memory are a pleasant vacancy. He doesn't have to remember. What he is. What he's done. He knows that he's a mistake and a monster but he doesn't have to remember why. Not right now. The memories will only return when he's sober again, he hates being sober almost as much as he hates himself for being just like his dad. Though he'll hate himself more for it in the morning.

"I'm fine," he said pushing past her though stumbling as his shoulder made slight contact with El.

"I'll tell Mom and Dad," El yells and at this, Will stops in place. His Mom and Hopper had barely relented and given him an inch, if she told them they would take it away, and he wouldn't be able to forget even for a few hours. It would all play a record on repeat, again and again. He turns around to look at her again. She's wearing pajamas and no shoes, he doesn't even know how late it is, and if he concentrates hard he could see tears in her eyes but also a fiery stubbornness that is just so El.

First of all, Hopper was not his Dad. Even if he often wished otherwise the blood that ran through his veins didn't come from Hopper. Second of all, she doesn't seem to realize that she shouldn't care about him that everyone else in their party has forgotten about him and that she should do the same…before it was too late.

The bitter taste in his mouth is vomit, not blood. Vomit, not blood.

The strange urge to hug her comes unexpectedly, hug her tightly and let her chase away the monsters but he is the monster. He's the mistake and he can't let her see it. She would get rid of it like she always did. Blood. Ash. Fire. Disintegration. He would deserve it. Monster. Mistake. He needs to forget if only for a little bit.

"They're barely starting to calm down and get adjusted to living here. You really want them to start stressing again? Maybe move us even further away from the others? " He had given up on the others, she hadn't and maybe it was a bit mean to try gain her silence by suggesting that their parents would move them away but right now he wasn't above it. "Besides, siblings don't snitch to their parents," Will said sharply but also clearly, the way he did when he was trying to explain the world to El who had grown up without all these unwritten rules in her life. It was sort of true but also sort of not. Jonathan knew a lot of things their mom didn't, not about drinking though, he'd be so disappointed in him, especially after their Dad. But there are things he knew that no one else did.

-Unless Will's wrong and Johnathan had told them- Didn't matter right now. He just stared into El's eyes and tried not to let the guilt fill him up inside. The guilt that would only get worse the soberer he was.

The fire in her eyes didn't go away but she did let him go back into the house without calling for their parents. Somehow, it didn't feel like as much of a win as he thought.