Haruhi Suzumiya »This is Haruhi on Drugs
The4thEmperor
Author of 1 Story
1. Anal Probes
Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Haruhi S. & Kyon - Reviews: 56 - Updated: 03-12-12 - Published: 11-10-11 - id:7539904
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I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about her.
Haruhi-blocked
Mikuru calmly walked into the clubroom, whistling the theme song of some shoujo anime. As she opened the clubroom door, she noticed that no one was in the room., an oddity considering Haruhi, Yuki, or Itsuki were always there before her. Mikuru simply shrugged and made her way to the rack of outfits to get ready for the day. As she reached for her maid uniform, she heard a chuckle.
Mikuru turned around, looking for the source of the laugh. She saw nothing. "H-hello?" she asked timidly. There was no reply. Mikuru blinked and then was tackled by a certain yellow-headband wearing goddess. "Kya!" Mikuru exclaimed, as she was forced to the ground by Haruhi. "S-S-Suzumiya-san, w-what's going on?" She asked, even more frightened of the psychotic brigade leader than usual. Haruhi cackled like a maniac.
"What's going on, you ask? Oh, nothing, just this…." Haruhi said, sneering as she reached for her bag. As Mikuru held her breath, on the verge of hysterical fright, Haruhi pulled out… a banana. Mikuru, blinked, confused by Haruhi's possession of the curved yellow fruit. Then fridge logic set in and she screamed her head off.
"S-S-Suzumiya, please, no!" she begged, crying, as Haruhi laughed wildly. That is, until the door opened. Haruhi jerked back, afraid it might be Kyon. However, it wasn't. It was Chuyura.
"Harunyan, Harunyan, can I have some smoked cheese?" Chuyura asked, as Mikuru, for the first time in her life happy to see the obnoxious chibi, sighed in relief as she went off the boil some tea.
"I don't have any goddamn smoked cheese, you annoying loud-mouthed cock-blocking half-pint." Haruhi grumbled.
"Nyoro~n."
Kyon gets an Anal Probe
As Kyon prepared to leave after yet another exhausting brigade meeting, he noticed a mysterious note.
Kyon,
I require your appearance at my apartment after school. Do not bring anyone with you and tell no one where you have gone. This is a matter of utmost importance.
Yuki
Kyon blinked. It was an obscure message, but Yuki Nagato was an obscure girl. Kyon shrugged and went on his way to Yuki's apartment.
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The moment Kyon neared Yuki's door, Nagato immediately opened it. "I need you to get inside, right now." She said, pulling on Kyon's sleeve. Kyon walked in, confused. Yuki sat down.
"You are troubled by my message. I understand and shall explain. You have been infected by nanobots sent by the time-traveler known as Fujiwara, which are attempting to take over your body and turn you into a mindless ravaging lunatic. Luckily, I should be able to isolate a sample of the nanobots and generate a cure." Yuki explained.
Kyon blinked. Simple enough. Everything should turn out fine. "So…how are you going to isolate the nanobots?" he asked. Nagato's eyes gleamed as she pulled up a long large hose-like object. "I must probe your rectum."
Kyon stared. Then he ran for the door. However, being a mere human against a deity-like alien, he was quickly stopped and had the hose shoved up his rear.
It later turned out there were no nanobots. Yuki had a lot of explaining to do.
The Anti-SOS Brigade
It was a fairly regular day in the SOS Brigade Clubroom. But we're not focusing on what's happening in there, even though there's pie. That's right readers, I'm cheating you out of your pie. What do you have to say to that?
Anyway, our story takes place far across North High, in a room that smells like old cheese. Inside this room stood the enemies of God herself, all prepared to hatch their evil scheme.
"Will you shut up already? We've been trying to come up with a diabolical plan for days and you've done nothing but bother us." Fujiwara said, carelessly breaking down the fourth wall. A confused Kyouko blinked.
"Um, who are you talking to?" she asked, scratching her head in puzzlement at Fujiwara's apparent insanity. In the corner, Kuyo was furiously typing at a computer.
an ten Sephiroh tuched clouds man-thingey and begin to…. Kuyo's slash fic was interrupted by a chop to the head from an irritated Sasaki. "Will you stop that and start trying to concoct a diabolical plan to defeat Haruhi?" the frustrated goddess asked.
"We need to think of something wicked; something eldritch, something…." Fujiwara said, stroking his chin, wondering if he would look eviler with a goatee. Fools! I am the only one evil enough to be the main villain! I will usurp both Sasaki and that computer guy as the big bad. I will be the enemy! BWAHAHAHAHAHA *sigh* …god, I'm pathetic.
"U GAEZ I KNOE!" Kuyo shouted waving her hands. "we cpuld uze VAMPUREZ cuz dey suck blud an dosnt afrad uv nythin!1" Kuyo received several cold stares, before Sasaki once again smacked her in the head.
"Dammit, we've got to start stepping up our game! After all, if we fall behind, we might be replaced with that computer club guy with his cartoon villains and his chibi." Sasaki said, crossing her arms. "There's only room for one group of comedic villains and that's us!"
Kyouko on the sidelines was quiet. Sasaki-san is so wonderful. One day, I want to be with her and confess my love to her and kidnap her and marry her and take her up to my room and tie her up and smother her in whipped cream and….
Kyouko was snapped out of her yuri bondage fangirl fantasy by a snap of the fingers from Sasaki. "Pay attention."
"Um, yes Sasaki-san." One day you will be mine….
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A/N:
Well? What do you think? I managed to warp these characters' personalities into OOC, over the top, perverted messes. Seems to be going pretty well. Give me suggestions, plz, in review form or in a pm.
Review for a free pony.
