This is Haruhi on Drugs

The4thEmperor
3. Canada

Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Haruhi S. & Kyon - Reviews: 56 - Updated: 03-12-12 - Published: 11-10-11 - id:7539904

Share

A/N Notes:

The first story is by request from superstarultra himself! See if you can identify the 2001 reference!

The second one is about Canadians.

Warning! Severe OOCness ahead!

The Data Overmind's Wacky Plans #1

The Data Overmind floated in his vague data-space, contemplating how to find a way to prevent Kyon's threat. I need someone other than Yuki to watch him… and I need to keep him from getting to close to her… and then then there's that stupid Sky Canopy Domain… stupid John Smith and his stupid threats to reveal his stupid identity to Haruhi… it's hard being a near omnipotent alien god attempting to research a reality warper… I've got it!

The Data Overmind summoned Ryoko and Emiri before him. "I need you two to perform my plan!" The Overmind announced gleefully. "You two are now assigned to monitoring Kyon. Follow his every action and let nothing go unnoticed."

Ryoko squeed as Emiri nodded affirmatively, as the Data Overmind attempted an evil laugh. Two attractive girls should be enough to distract him from Yuki… and these two should prevent him from revealing his identity to Haruhi. My plans are just so damn fabulous!

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon and Yuki were sitting silently in the clubroom when Ryoko and Emiri arrived, causing Kyon to jerk up.

"Ryoko? Emiri? Aren't you guys dead and a minor character respectively?" Kyon said, attempting to flee from the general radius of Ryoko, but being stopped by Emiri.

"The Overmind has sent us as further monitors of your behavior. We are required to remain near you. Death and lack of involvement in the story mean nothing to us." Emiri said in her usual monotone voice, as Yuki held the book she was reading up to hide the fact that she was experiencing the human emotion commonly known as anger. Kyon gulped and hoped that this was some sort of joke, or at least that the two might leave soon. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of his troubles.

Later that day, Kyon left the room to answer nature's call. He opened the bathroom door and took his place in the stall. As he pulled his pants down, he noticed that a familiar blunette was peeking at him from over the stall.

"HOLY CRAP RYOKO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Kyon shouted as he attempted to prevent Ryoko from seeing his "little entity."

"I am required to monitor you." Ryoko said calmly. "Proceed as if I'm not here."

"LIKE HELL!" Kyon yelled, as he made a motion with his hand to shoo Ryoko away. A hand appeared from under the door.

"Do you need toilet paper?" Emiri said, holding up a roll to Kyon from under the door, as Kyon decided that he could hold it in and ran out of the bathroom.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon opened the door to his house, exhausted from all the alien hijinx. He plopped himself on his bed, and looked up at the ceiling. At least I'm safe from them here. He thought, as he turned his head to the side… and noticed Ryoko.

"OH GODDAMMIT NOT AGAIN!" he shouted, falling off his bed. "I deserve some privacy! Stop following me!"

"I'm sorry Kyon, I'm afraid I can't do that." Ryoko said with her creepy Itsuki-esque grin. Kyon tried to run out the door, and bumped into Emiri, holding a sweater.

"You need to wear this." She said, holding up the orange wool sweater that had "Kyon" sewn into it. This is where Kyon started crying.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon walked into the SOS brigade clubroom, with sunken, blood-shot eyes and wearing his orange sweater, as Ryoko and Emiri walked behind him. The only one in the room was Yuki, who looked like she was ready to tear up the book she was reading. As Kyon sat down, husk-like, Yuki stood up, stomping her feet.

"I've had enough of this." she growled, making her way towards Ryoko and Emiri. "You two are going to stay away from Kyon, no matter what the Data Overmind says."

"Nagato, we're required to do this." Emiri said, as Yuki and Ryoko glared at each other. "We cannot defy orders from the Overmind."

"He's mine!" Ryoko shouted as she tackled Yuki, and alien combat tentacles and electricity went everywhere, the two somehow getting Emiri thrown into the mix.

"Get off me, you obnoxious Canadian!"

"Shut up, you flat-chested freak!

"Go to hell, you minor character!"

Make it end…. Kyon thought, as Haruhi entered the room. "Hey, Kyon. Hey, what are Yuki, Ryoko, and Emiri doing?"

Here's my chance…. Kyon thought, as he turned to Haruhi. "I'm John Smith."

It took less than a second for the universe to implode.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Floating in subspace, The Overmind cursed. God dammit… well hopefully superstarultra likes the story.

The Canada Song (Script Format)

Kyon: And then, the drunk guy says "I can't help, being an idiot, I'm Canadian!"

Haruhi: Ha! You're right, they're so pathetic, Ky-

Ryoko: (runs into scene dressed as a Mountie) Enough! There's been far too much Canada-bashing for far too long! I say no more!

Haruhi: Don't you mean no more, eh?

Kyon: Heh, good one.

Ryoko: Stop it! Instead, let us offer our Canadian brothers and sisters this song of tribute!

(Music begins)

Ryoko: Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada,

A land which I never shall lampoon!

How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba,

And the beauty that is Saskatoon!

Haruhi: Let me try. (Clears throat)

Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta,

Drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur!

As he scraped and chiseled all the moose dung off his boots,

I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

Ryoko: Stop that!

Kyon: Oh, I wish I was in the land that gave us William Shatner,

Scott Pilgrim, Rush, and Mike Myers too!

Ryoko: That's the spirit!

Kyon: No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me,

Oh, Canada, you are a land I much eschew!

Ryoko: No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop making fun of my favorite country and Axis Powers Hetalia character!

Kyon: Why bother celebrating them? They're the ones responsible for Justin Bieber and Ed the Sock!

Haruhi: Yeah! They're basically a rip-off of America, only more French!

Ryoko: …fine, I'll do a little good natured ribbing.

Kyon: Alright!

Ryoko: (sighs)

Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island,

And going on to bomb Ontario, hahaha!

The demolition of Canada and all of its culture

Is by far my favorite scenario!

Kyon: Whoa, that's kind of harsh….

Ryoko: No, no, I love this, I love it!

Just where the hell do goddamn Canadians

Get off even existing on this planet?

Haruhi: Yikes….

Ryoko: You pathetic, stinking francophonic, queen-loving assholes!

Your country's just a giant piece of sh-

Kyon: Ryoko, stop, that's enough!

Ryoko: (sobbing)Oh…oh god, what was I doing? I'm a disgrace to the uniform!

Kyon: It's ok, it's ok….

A/N Notes:

I sincerely apologize to all the Canadians I just offended.

Review for a baby panda