Chapter Three

Buffy followed Faith and the dark cloud of her mood into their hotel room. She pushed the door closed behind her with a purpose, carefully placing the key card into the power slot that turned on both the lights and the clock radio by their bed.

Faith and Satsu had returned from leaving Euan the Verger with his thankfully large family of farming cousins. With a promise to return when their mission to locate the relic and Reverend Morgan was complete, they had left him in his family's capable hands. The short drive back to the hotel from St Michael's church had been quiet and tense, all three Slayers frustrated from a day of dead ends and no slaying.

And now, Buffy watched her dark haired lover sitting slumped on the bed, judging the best way to get through to her. Her conclusion being that with Faith, direct was always the most effective way. She took a deep breath and stepped closer to the brunette.

"So, you gonna let me in on what's going on in that head of yours?" Faith looked at her, eyes wide in surprise for just a moment and then control returning. Buffy could already see the lie forming on the brunette's lips and decided to intercept it. "Whatever you're about to say, don't. We both know it will be a lie. And if this relationship is going to really work, then lies are best left outside that door." The dark Slayer shifted uncomfortably and looked away from the blonde. "It's nothing," she mumbled. "It's not nothing Faith. Please talk to me." Faith's shoulders slumped down even further and she leaned forward with her head in her hands. Instantly Buffy was there, her arm around Faith's shoulder and a hand on her knee. "Please Faith…I'm right here."

"I don't know… I don't know if I can do this." The words were like a knife in Buffy's gut. "This? Us?" Faith simultaneously shook her head and shrugged, almost as if she didn't really know the answer. She leaned into Buffy's embrace, seeking the comfort only the blonde could give. Before that comfort became something more, she pulled away and stood up. The blonde watched her intently as she proceeded to pace to and fro across the hotel carpet. She paused for a moment, head cocked like a hurt puppy, knowing that if she kept her feelings inside it would poison their relationship – and yet there was still the fear that sharing what she felt would be just as damaging. As far as she could see, it was a no win situation. But what decided her was the look Buffy was giving her right now. A look of concern, of love. A love that gave her hope that they could get through this. And a determined look that told her the older slayer wasn't going to let her out of this room until she told her everything she had been feeling the past few months.

Letting out a sigh, she leaned against the table and looked down at her hands. Then sought out her lover's eyes.

"I love you so much B; you don't know how much. And…I know you love me. When it's just the two of us, you make me feel wanted, special. You make me feel like… home."

"And yet…?" Buffy's voice was quiet, full of a fear Faith had never heard from her before. And she knew in that moment that whether or not she had spoken her fears and hurts, Buffy felt it all anyway and hurt right along with her. Dear God I'm so stupid. There was nothing now but to forge onward. She was a Slayer after all.

"And yet… Seeing her, seeing the way she is around you… Seeing the way she looks at you. I know I have no right to be jealous. None. I know deep inside me that nothing is going to happen with her. But I feel it all the same. That gnawing feeling that her fluttering eyes and perfect mouth and her 'never murdered anyone' sweetness will somehow win you over…" Faith gulped. Now she had started, she must not stop. "And knowing that my jealousy has no basis… I'm so angry with myself. Because I know I should trust you… I do trust you. But then… you never smack her down. You never give her a definite no. You don't make it clear that you're not interested… so I think to myself, maybe you are a little interested. And the thought of that makes me… well it makes me think some pretty dark thoughts that make me not like myself very much." Buffy reached out a hand, but Faith knocked it away. "No!," she almost shouted, a sharp edge to her voice. "You asked what was going on with me, so I'm telling you. And I gotta get it all out, cos if I stop I will end up shoving it all back down and it… it will poison us B. And I can't let that happen." The blonde nodded, offering a soft smile, as encouraging as she could be in that moment.

"And I think I could just about cope with this jealousy thing, if you just… made it clear where you stand. If she saw me as your actual partner, as your girlfriend. And yes, when we're on our own… I feel like that. But Buffy…this is going to be hard to hear." Tears were streaming down Faith's face now, she couldn't have held them in if she tried. Buffy was breaking from the strain of not leaping up to comfort her. But she knew she must wait. And ignoring her own tears she sat on her hands. "Go on Faith, you need to get it out."

"I don't always feel special and beautiful…because you don't treat me that way when we're with other people. Well, most other people. When we were in the Nexus, when you're around Bo and Daisy and the others, The Thirteen, it feels like it's supposed to. But here. When we're around Willow and Xander. With Dawn. They behave like Angel is your 'real' boyfriend and I'm just the mistress. The jibes and the jokes they make, they're not funny. And they make me feel less than I am. And you never contradict them. You don't correct them and call them on their cruelty. Especially Xander. And there's the times you treat me like 'just another Slayer'. Even today, you decided what I was gonna do, without asking. Without treating me like an equal. We made this decision together Buffy. You and Me. We decided to call every potential, we decided to share our power. And Angel and Bo might joke that we're the Queens of the Slayers and all that Chosen One bullshit… but everyone knows it's you making the ultimate calls and I'm just the lackey. And God, I love you so much I let it happen. But it's eating me up B. It's eating me that you don't acknowledge I'm your girlfriend publicly, not really. It's eating me that I feel like a fucking guest in my own home. It's his hotel and his city. It's his territory and I'm just the hanger on, the other woman. And Buffy, I love you more than life itself, but I won't… I won't be the other woman. And I can't be whatever Xander or Giles or the other Slayers, or Kate or Oz for that matter, … I can't be whatever they think I am. I agreed to share you with Angel, and I can do that, because I know he's your soulmate. I mean, he's as much part of you as the heart beating in your chest. I can't love you without loving him too. And I was okay with that. Am okay with it. But… But I can't do it anymore in his city, with his crew. I just can't…with our friends treating me like a second class who… citizen." Buffy's heart lurched as Faith stumbled over calling herself a whore. That her friends and even she had made Faith feel like that. It made her furious. Furious mostly with herself.

"Why didn't you say anything before now?" Buffy's voice came out as quietly as she could manage, trying to keep any accusation out of her tone. The reply was loud, percussive. An arrow to her heart.

"Because I can't lose you!"

The silence stretched between them; the tension threading like molasses.

When Faith spoke again it was in a quiet, almost pleading voice. But no less full of pain.

"And why didn't you ask me what was going on before now? Or have you only just noticed?" Buffy couldn't give an answer. Because she'd simply been too happy to notice. She had revelled in her love for both Angel and Faith and inadvertently made it all about herself; leaving the woman she loved in a limbo of her creation. A painful limbo. And the guilt of that began to wind itself around her heart. But before it could take root, she clipped its vines. She would do something about it. She could fix this. She had to fix this. But words still seemed like strangers to her and she merely blinked in silence at her lover.

In the silence, Faith stood straight and pulled herself taller. The pained look on her face was too much for Buffy. The blonde slayer broke and stood to take the brunette in a comforting hug. But Faith put an arm across her body, blocking the embrace. "No. You don't get to do that. Not yet. You need to think Buffy. I mean, really think about whether this is worth it. About what you want. About what needs to be done. What needs to change. Because I love you. And losing you would destroy me. But right now, staying is killing me too. So, you gotta sit with this for a while. An hour, a week, a month. However long it takes for you to realise you've been watching me feel this for months now. And not doing anything about it." The blonde nodded wordlessly, tears now coursing down her face.

Hating the fact that she had caused Buffy any pain, even as a result of her own, Faith reached out to squeeze Buffy's hand; offering her that much hope at least. "It might only take five minutes," she whispered, allowing a smile to spread on her face; if only a fleeting one.

She felt Buffy squeeze her hand back and then they let their hands fall apart. Brushing past the blonde, Faith bent to pick up her boots. She couldn't meet Buffy's gaze while she was putting them back on, but she knew the other slayer was watching her. Burrowing her hand into the depths of her bag, she pulled out a screwed up pack of cigarettes. She retrieved two and her Zippo, placing the lighter in her top shirt pocket, and the cigarettes in her jeans. She walked slowly towards the door, every step feeling like a hundred tonne weight was tied to her leg. She paused, her hand gripping the door handle as if her life depended on it. But she didn't look back.

"I need some space. If you think you can do what needs to be done, you'll be able to find me. If you're okay with things as they are… Don't bother. I'll know then. I'll pack my things and be out of the Hyperion by the end of the week. I'll be just another slayer. And you'll be my boss, just like the rest." Her knuckles went white as she gripped the door even harder. "I do hope it's option one Buffy…but I'm prepared for option two." She did turn back then, their eyes meeting. "I love you." And she pulled the door open, walking out into the hall.

XXXXX

The blazing red sunset had been glorious. Faith had sat on the hotel roof and smoked the first cigarette she'd had in two years and watched as the sky turned from day to night in a spectacular display of colours. Once dark, she had marvelled at the brightness of the stars. One thing this little Welsh town had over LA was almost no light pollution. She lay back, embracing the expanse of the sky. The river of The Milky Way, the familiar steadiness of Orion, the W of supine Cassiopeia whose arrogance made her daughter a sacrifice for the gods. A sacrifice just as the Slayer was meant to be. A lone female child, easily controlled with an early expiry date and an unwilling replacement in the wings. The one girl in all the world…And she and Buffy had changed all that. In fact, Buffy had changed it long before Willow's spell. By drawing people to her, building a determined and faithful group of people who would join her in the fight, she had blasted every rule of the Shadow Men and Watcher's Council to smithereens. By dying twice and yet still living, she had confounded all expectation, subverting the evil design that once a slayer knew too much, she was expendable. By offering forgiveness, loyalty and affection, she was able to build a wall of allies around herself that changed the paradigm. And once the spell had been cast, she continued in the same vein.

And beyond all understanding had offered that same forgiveness and friendship to Faith herself. All of which had led them both here. To a life that promised real true love and everything that came with it, if only they could both grasp it.

If Faith had thought she had cried enough this day, her thoughts proved her mistaken and she felt her tears trickle down her face. It had been a couple of hours now and no sign of Buffy. Maybe the blonde slayer had decided that it was too much work, or she couldn't change, or didn't want to change. Faith sighed, pulling out the second cigarette and placing it carefully in her mouth. But before she could pull out her Zippo and light it, she felt it. That sensation at the back of her neck and in the pit of her stomach; the sensation that told her another slayer was nearby. And the clench in her chest that told her it was Buffy Anne Summers, the love of her life.

A hand holding a bottle of beer swung into view and she sat up, accepting the beer. Using her slayer strength to twist the top off, she held it up to clink against the bottle Buffy was holding as the blonde loomed over her. Buffy accepted the gesture and touched her bottle against Faith's and then moved closer to sit beside her on the roof. They sat silently, taking in the view of darkened fields; the sharp cry of a fox piercing the night and the chirps of bats that slayer hearing could easily pick up.

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?"

Buffy's voice seemed to reach across a chasm towards her; a warm soft sound she had feared she may never hear again. Turning to look at her, hope took flight inside her with the look Buffy was giving her. But her brain was not on her side. "What?"

"Good news or bad news?"

"Er… Bad first I suppose?"

"The bartender said he didn't have 'any of that swill that you Americans drink'. So he pulled out this bottle with a goblin on and gave me four bottles; that obviously I can't drink all by myself." The smile that accompanied this was all Faith ever needed. It lit the night and her soul. She wouldn't exchange it for the most expensive diamond in the world. And the potential that came with it… She breathed in for a moment, trying to temper her enthusiasm. "And the good news?" She fumbled the words. "He gave it to me for free." And that's when Buffy laughed. It was the sound on which every good thing in Faith's life hung, and it was perfect. And infectious. Fighting her own chuckle, Faith inched closer to the other woman. "I suppose that was the least he could do for 'us poor Americans'?"

"His words exactly!" Buffy answered with a grin. Then almost as if she turned a switch, Buffy's face turned to look full at Faith and the smile faded. There was still a twinkle in the eyes, but she wore a seriousness that pulled at Faith's heart. "I'm sorry." The words were a whisper. A plea. "I fucked up. I mean seriously. I can't… I can't lose you either." She took a swig from the bottle and pursed her lips at the taste. "I should never have…I shouldn't let Xander talk to you the way he does. You're right. I… Faith." She choked back a sob, breaking through every one of Faith's defences. The brunette's hand was on her girlfriend's face in a moment, her thumb calmly sweeping away the tear that spilled over onto a smooth cheek. "It's okay Buffy you don't have to…"

"I do though." She paused, leaning into the touch of Faith's hand. "Look, you got to speak. You said your piece. Let me have my turn." Faith nodded, putting the bottle of beer down beside her and taking Buffy's hand while keeping the hand on Buffy's face where it was, the comforting swirl of her thumb on Buffy's cheek continuing through everything Buffy would say. "I can be kind of blinkered when it comes to my friends, to Giles and Dawn and everyone. Especially Xander. But it was a mistake to give them the benefit of the doubt over your feelings. It was a mistake to move into Angel's hotel. We kind of just… fell into it I suppose. After the Nexus, it was so similar that it made sense. But it was just me being lazy. And you… you made it easy and I let you. I let you just fall into whatever role I wanted, instead of asking you what you wanted, what you needed. I'm just… I am so sorry Faith. I don't want you feeling like you're any less than what you are."

"And what am I?" A smile brushed Buffy's face for a moment. "You are everything. Angel is my soulmate, you were right about that. I love him so much. But you… you're my heart. I have never loved anyone…." She paused at the gasp of surprise that slipped out of Faith. Grabbing both of Faith's hands she rested their foreheads together. "Anyone." She said again firmly, reiterating the claim. "I have never loved anyone the way I love you. No-one understands me the way you do. Nobody. Not Angel, not my sister, not Bo or Daisy. And definitely not Xander or any of the other Slayers. You get me like no-one else." A sly smile crept across her lips. "And as for the sex, never underestimate what it is like being made love to by someone who once inhabited your body. Incredible doesn't cover it." At this, Faith could not keep the smile from her own face. Buffy pulled her into a hug then, her chin resting on the brunette slayer's shoulder; their shared warmth a ward against the cool of the night, their shared intimacy a ward against the cold of separation.

As the embrace lengthened Buffy spoke against the night air, into her lover's hair, words beginning a reparation, the start of a repentance and reunification. "I am sorry. I promise I will give all recognition to our relationship. I promise to show everyone what you mean to me. I promise to be your partner, not your boss; to proclaim you as my lover, not my mistress." A gentle kiss to the cheek. "And I know I haven't been the best when it comes to dealing with other people's jealousy, so I get why you were reluctant to tell me about it. But baby, I need you to talk to me. And I promise to talk to you. We said at the very beginning of all this, communication is vital. Promise me, you won't let this stuff fester again."

"I promise. Never again." Buffy pulled out of the hug and stood up on the angled slate roof, her Slayer senses and skills keeping her in perfect balance on the slanted surface. Looking down at Faith she held out her hand and gave a smile. "Dance with me?" Faith stood and took her hand. "There's no music." Buffy chuckled and pulled the other woman close, beginning to move them around slowly. "There's music all around us."

"Have you always been this big a sap Summers?"

"Always, for you." Buffy shifted, manoeuvring them even closer, impossibly close, her hand now in the small of Faith's back and her mouth by her ear. "I really am sorry Faith. For not noticing, for not prioritising, for letting you carry this weight, for every single moment I didn't make you feel like you were the most amazing woman in the world. Will you forgive me?" The answer was simple. And yet more complex than anything they had faced. "Yes. And I'll keep forgiving you. Forgiveness takes time Buffy. And apologies take time. But yes, I forgive you. And we'll work on the rest together." Buffy released a breath she didn't realise she was holding. "Thank you," she willed the words into Faith's heart.

They continued to dance, the music in their heads guiding them across the shingles of the roof, their slayer feet impossibly light. "I love you Faith. I love you, I want you, I need you. And one day I'm going to ask you to marry me. But I know what it's going to take for you to trust that I really mean it. I know what it's going to take for us to get to that place. But know, with all my Slayer strength, I'm going to get there."

"If it helps, there's like a 98 point something chance I'll say yes whenever you ask." The golden laugh fell from Buffy's lips once again. "It does help. It really does."

When it finally came, the kiss was not exactly one of their best. But it held everything they felt. It was an apology poured into action; forgiveness forged into touch. It was love and want and need. They came away from it panting, the need to breathe overriding even their need for each other. Buffy twirled them in their silent dance once more and then drew back together, her thigh slipping between Faith's legs to her centre and her hips tilting forward.

But before she could push it further down the path they both desperately needed, Buffy felt her lover's body stiffen in alertness rather than respond in desire. Faith pulled back and seemed to peer through the darkness over Buffy's shoulder. "Baby," Buffy whimpered. But then she picked up on Faith's stance, the tension in her shoulders, and pulled away further. "What is it?" Instead of answering her directly, Faith took a step forward, towards the edge of the roof. "What the hell is she doing?" Buffy turned to look at what Faith was seeing.

There in a field opposite the hotel, a field skirted by woods and fenced in by hedges, was Satsu. The Japanese slayer was just finishing a stealthy manoeuvre over the fence and creeping slowly through the field. About 200 yards ahead of her were three vampires, looking blood drunk and strolling through the field as if it was an everyday occurrence. It was obvious to the two elder slayers that their 'local guide' come companion had lain in wait for the vampires and was now stalking them.

"She's got more guts than I figured, going after three alone like that," Faith murmured. "I told you she was good." Buffy felt the look from Faith rather than saw it. "Too soon?" She quipped, her hand finding Faith's and squeezing affectionately. "A little," Faith answered dryly. "You can make it up to me back in the room though," she added, giving Buffy a short peck on the lips. A mere deposit in advance of what was to come. But then she felt it. Just looking at Buffy's face she felt it too. That sense of danger she had come to rely on; the sense that was more than just being able to know the presence of a vampire, but rather the sense that had kept them both alive for longer than almost any other slayer.

They both whipped their heads back round to the field and watched in horror as the scene unfolded. Satsu may well be stalking three vampires, but her elders saw five more behind her, rising up out of the grass like hunters on the African savannah. All other thoughts fled their heads and the two elder slayers began to move to the edge of the roof. Sprinting and jumping down to save a girl from the trap she had inadvertently sprung. And both praying they would be in time.