song inspiration: the end of the affair by michael nyman
(no beta)


"You will always choose Seattle over me." Olivia cried out. She never cried when she was angry. Her job had trained that out of her as quickly as possible. Never let them see you sweat, never let them see you cry.

When Addison turned around, she saw an accusatory finger pointed at her. A finger pointing away from Olivia's face which was shattering like glass right in front of her. She didn't recognize the sound of Olivia's voice, having never heard it crack in such a way. All of that heartbreak and agony wrapping around her vocal cords like the vines of poison ivy.

Addison's lip quivered as she looked down at the floor, feeling the moment as if it were frozen in time. Olivia's arm slowly lowered, but the tears streaming down her cheeks fell at full speed. Except for one that had veered off from the corner of her eye, slowly dragging its way over her olive-toned skin.

She had never seen Olivia cry. Olivia had seen her cry more than a countable amount of times.

"Are you saying that you wouldn't pick New York over me?" Addison asked, her voice calm and low, but something deadly underneath it. As if one small papercut would be all it took for her own anger and hurt to spill out.

Olivia recoiled as if the words were daggers thrown directly at her. Her face had gone from heartbreak to unreadable. Numbness. It was her shield, the numbness. Her badge could only do so much to protect her, her numbness was the internal armor. Armor that cracked.

Maybe she was more tired than she was numb.

New York was home to savages but it was home to her. Addison's question washed over her for a moment, playing out in her mind. Would she really leave it all behind? Everyone and everything?

Seattle wasn't just home to Addison, it was home to so much of her family. Over the years, Olivia had never been able to put names to the faces. Only her imagination running wild to assume who all of the special people in Addison's life really were.

She wasn't part of that family. She was an anomaly. A blip on their respective timelines.

"So this is it?" Olivia asks, sounding as if her lungs were already halfway up her throat. "You came here, you got what you wanted, except now you tell me you're not coming back?"

Tears began to sting in Addison's eyes. Her nose crinkled as she tried to fight it off, but they were going to fall just as Olivia's had. Olivia, standing in her kitchen in a cardigan and jeans as if they were actually two normal people. As if that cardigan hadn't been shed to the floor along with Addison's Yale sweatshirt. As if unmissable red hair hadn't been splayed across Olivia's white pillowcases not two hours earlier.

As if.

"I'm sorry," Addison choked out.

Olivia just about beat her to the punch. "Don't!" the finger rose back up, pointing in her direction. "Don't you dare, Addie."

"I should never have done this to you," Addison whispered. Her eyes were as crystal clear as glass now; just a tinge of emerald. As if the color was simply a memory.

She had found solace in Olivia. Peace when peace was rare to find. Not long after Derek had died. Finding comfort in Jake wasn't enough. She could never fully grieve Derek in the presence of her husband. Olivia had become her getaway. A weekend of forgetting what it felt like to try so damn hard to be okay when she wasn't.

Derek had died so long ago, she wondered why she had kept coming back. And then she remembered.

She always remembered.

Brunette hair that sparkled with just the right amount of blonde. Scars that didn't make her mind race with all of the medical possibilities of how they came to be. Hands on her skin that were warm but feminine. And dare she say it, love. So much love that had grown between the two of them. Over time, love became inevitable. With the sound of their laughter mingling. The nights where the city refused to allow them to sleep. Breakfasts in the morning with sorry excuses for clothes covering them up before they just fell off again. How could love have never crossed her mind?

It was the end of a haven. Real life kept moving and her life was calling for her to come back. She couldn't keep escaping; not forever.

The place where she felt safe wasn't supposed to be here. But it was. It had been for far too long.

They had braved life together on many occasions. Secret occasions where as soon as the door was shut, the world stopped turning. They mourned together. The losses they had faced. The faces they would never see again. Elliot… Derek. They grieved the unsavable patients and the unrescued victims. When it counted most, Olivia would open her door after a long day at work to find Addison sitting on her couch with her suitcase at the door. Each time, she'd rise up from her seat and stare at Olivia the same way she would if she were staring at the sky in search of stars.

Neither of them were ready to say goodbye. But in a world where goodbyes were chosen, nobody would ever be able to let go.

"You and I both know we can't do this anymore!" Addison cried, her voice raising and cracking as she urged for Olivia to understand. They stood there, twenty feet apart as Olivia held onto the kitchen island for support.

Things were changing for the both of them. Seasons were arriving and leaving all too fast for either of them to keep their feet on the ground. Elliot was back and it was changing things. Addison was stretched between Seattle and California. The tide always came in, even when they didn't want it to.

But no matter the excuse, Olivia just wanted to scream. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops that she was so fucking tired of being everyone's second choice.

Olivia stared at Addison, almost as if she were trying to memorize every curve and line of her face. She wanted to remember the hurt she felt right now. The breaking of her heart as it landed in her stomach. A new wound to be dug, a reminder to never allow herself to be someone's second string again.

"Yeah," Olivia breathed, her hand resting on the countertop as her eyes aimed at the floor beside her. "That doesn't mean I'm ready to admit it though."

For a fleeting moment, Addison wondered if it would be cruel to explain just how much every moment had meant to her. How she wouldn't trade a single second of it. Would that be so horrible to say? Or was it better this way? To leave the sharp edges of their broken hearts as serrated as they were. Would it stop her from coming back? Would it stop Olivia from allowing her in the door?

Addison tried to collect herself, sniffling as she fought for her voice to come back to her. To enunciate her next words so carefully that Olivia could never forget them. Not even if she tried.

"I love you, Olivia."

It's slow and careful, but powerful nonetheless.

Olivia's eyes catch hers, seeing the promise written all over her face that what she said is true and always will be. More tears dripped off of Olivia's cheeks, and closing her eyes only made more fall.

A moment, a torturously long moment passed between them.

"Out of every ending I imagined, I never imagined it ending this way." Olivia says.

And it breaks Addison more than she ever thought she could be broken.

Addison grips the handle of her suitcase, leaning against it as if it were the only thing keeping her upright.

If there was one thing they both wanted now, it was to hold each other. However, the both of them knew they would never let go. Addison wanted to feel Olivia's cheek brush her own. Olivia wanted to feel the way Addison rested her forehead against hers. Hands roaming slowly and softly, bringing only comfort. The way Addison always smelled like expensive perfume and Olivia smelled like honey and vanilla and all things home.

Twenty feet away felt like worlds apart.

Maybe it was.

Nobody would ever know the entire lifetimes they had lived within these walls. The stories they could tell and the love that was shared. The walls were void of all of the pictures that could've been taken. It was as if it had never really happened at all.

What a shameful way for something as beautiful as love to exist. Only in silence, only in memory.

"My flight —" Addison choked out the half-sentence, nodding her head towards the door.

This was it.

This would always be it.

The end. The last page of the story with every page of the actual story torn from the book. It would all just float away now. How could that be?

Nobody would ever remember. Nobody would ever know. Nobody would be around to keep the memory alive of how Olivia Benson loved Addison Montgomery, and how Addison Montgomery loved Olivia Benson.

As Addison's hand reached the doorknob, Olivia felt herself sob. "Addie," she cried. She saw Addison hesitate to turn around, reconnecting with her reddened eyes as she did. It took a couple shaky breaths to get the words out, but they came eventually. "I love you too."

When the door shut behind Addison for the last time, Olivia was alone. Now more so than ever.

It was the end of an affair.