Nino grabbed him before he could make his way up the stairs. Adrien didn't fight him as he pulled him in one of the hidden alcoves under the stairs.
"Okay dude. I'm going to start off by saying I don't think your dad is Hawkmoth."
Maybe Adrien was still tired from this morning because….what?
"I mean he needs a punch in the face but I don't think he's a terrorist."
Again….what?
"Man, I thought it'd be better to talk to you before you walked in on this. And I just have to ask: Is your dad banging Hawkmoth?"
Adrien was having a stroke. That was the only explanation for what was happening. He was having a stroke.
"Dude you're not having a stroke." Nino looked at him with concern.
Adrien blinked at him, "No. No I'm pretty sure I'm having a stroke because you did not just ask if my father and Paris's number 1 terrorist were sleeping together."
At least Nino had the decency to look embarrassed. Adrien stared at him. Nino dragged his hands down his face as he groaned.
"Mmmkay. You know that whole Hawkloser selfie thing that got traced back to your dad and it ended up a whole kerfuffle and weird computer malfunction."
Adrien nodded.
"Well uhh….well you see-" Nino pressed the tips of his fingers to his lips.
"God works fast but fandoms work faster." Alya smirked at them from around the corner. "The internet is all abuzz about the latest ship: Gabemoth."
"No."
Nino refused to look at him, and Alya looked downright evil as she waved her phone at him.
"No!" Adrien whirled around and pointed a finger at Alya. "No. I refuse. Nobody is shipping my dad and Hawkmoth."
Then he left and marched into class, Nino and Alya scrambling after him.
Alix spotted him first as soon as he walked in. "So what kind of underwear does Hawkmoth wear, and how often has your old man seen it?"
Adrien walked right into the desk and fell to the floor. He stared at the ceiling while Nino and Ivan hovered over him in concern. "A stroke. I swear I'm having a stroke."
Kim nodded thoughtfully, "I too would have a stroke if my dad was playing hide the sausage with Hawkmoth."
Adrien let out a whine of distress.
….
If Adrien had thought class was bad, lunch was an Undertale themed Bad Time™.
"Hey Adrien-"
"My dad is not sleeping with Hawkmoth!" Adrien wailed, face first into his lunch.
"That's….good?" There was a beat of heavy silence, which prompted him to look up to see a bewildered Marinette looking at him in concern. He flushed to the roots of his hair.
"I've had a long day." He whimpered.
She gave him another weird look as she set his tray down in front of him. "I can tell?"
The two sat there in silence, picking at their lunches.
"Sooo….can I ask?"
Adrien looked at her pitifully, "The internet thinks my father is sleeping with Hawkmoth."
"Seriously?" Marinette blinked at him. "I thought he was sleeping with his assistant, Nathalie?"
"Thank you!" Adrien threw himself forward and grabbed her shoulders, oblivious to the food about to fall into his lap. "You are a true friend Marinette, the only one I have."
"Excuse you?"
Adrien ignored Nino's betrayed tone, as he had been ignoring him most of lunch after Nino laughed at his pain earlier.
Alya smirked at him, "You sure you don't want some of the fanfiction links I've found?"
"Adrien! Is it true your dad is boning Hawkmoth?" Aurore called out from across the lunchroom.
Adrien just gripped her shoulders tighter and stared into her eyes. "My only friend."
Marinette squeaked.
…..
Adrien had a plan.
It was not a very good plan, or clever plan, or well thought out plan. But it was a plan.
Adrien got to school early and set up, standing in front of Mrs. Bustier's desk with a fierce look. His classmates tried asking him what was up as they trickled in but he just waved them off. Mrs. Bustier just sighed when she saw him, and took attendance before patting him on the shoulder and giving him floor.
Adrien cleared his throat, straightened his papers, and got down to business.
"I'm sure a few of you have recently heard of the rumors going around about my father and a certain supervillain."
"You mean how your dad is stuffin the muffin with Hawkmoth?" Kim asked.
Adrien looked to be in pain.
"Would you rather me say he was filling the cream donut?"
Adrien closed his eyes.
"What about putting the sour cream in the burrito?"
Adrien hid behind the papers, "Please stop." He whispered.
"Boarding the beef bus?"
Adrien whined.
Alix looked at Kim like he was a fascinating bug pressed under a microscope. "How are you real?"
Adrien took a deep breath. "For my sanity, Kim is no longer permitted to ask questions."
He slapped the papers on the desk, and pulled out a pointing stick he borrowed from Nathalie's stache of random business junk. "I have compiled a 20 page powerpoint presentation on why you should not ship Gabemoth, and instead turn your attentions to the superior ship of Gabenath."
The class groaned.
….
Marinette was sitting on Mrs. Bustier's desk the next morning, coffee in one hand and projector remote in the other.
"So yesterday Adrien presented his opinion of the rarepair known as Gabenath-"
"Rarepair!" Adrien exclaimed, offended.
She clicked the button, staring him down.
"-and as such I thought I would raise you: GabeClown."
Marinette was no longer his friend.
….
Alya squealed, shoving her phone into Marinette's face, "4000 kudos! Four thousand Mari! Over a hundred thousand views! This is the best day of my life!"
Adrien leaned back, curious about what had Alya so excited.
"The best day?" Mari questioned, smirking at her.
Alya paused for a minute. "Well maybe not the best day….No, actually. Yeah! The best day of my life! Blows every other life achievement out of the water! Sorry Ladyblog, fanfiction is my true passion!"
Marinette collapsed into giggles. Adrien, whirled around, excited. "You write fics? What's your pen name, maybe I've read some of it!"
Alya grinned at him, "I'll send you a link to my newest fic, it's my most popular yet!"
Marinette started choking on her laughter, "Nooo, Alya! No he'll die!"
"Babe stop torturing Adrien. Bro, I love you. Please, don't open that link."
Adrien frowned at him, " I love you too bro. And I am supporting Alya in her artistic expression and you should too."
He clicked on the link, read the tags, blanched, then threw his phone across the room. Alya cackled, leaning on a near hyperventilating Marinette.
Adrien stared dully at his cracked screen. "Money can buy me a phone. It cannot buy me brain bleach."
Nino patted his head, and glared over his shoulder. "You know he only likes the slowburn coffee shop aus. Keep your citrus to yourself."
"It's not-" Alya gasped, "It's not like he actually read it! I know-know he always checks the tags!"
"This is my anime betrayal." Adrien nodded. "My villain origin story."
"I gotch your back bro, loyal henchman right here."
He collapsed against Nino, ignoring the girl's laughter turned to hiccups behind him. "Your girlfriend is evil incarnate."
….
"He's obviously in love with Gabriel!"
"Hawkmoth and Mayura have been the evil terrorist dream team for ever! He's clearly in love with her!"
"It's such a problematic pairing!"
"Problematic? You think my ship is problematic?!"
Adrien stuck his head into his school bag.
A new voice joined, Adrien recognizing Alya's voice as she said, "Both of you are wrong! It's clearly polyarmorus relationship between Gabriel, Nathalie, Hawkmoth, and Mayura! OT4 for the win!"
"..."
"..."
"Yeah so anyways about how your wrong-"
Alya walked past him and patted him on the shoulder, "Whelp. I tried."
"Oh go eat an akuma."
"I mean….wouldn't that be your dad's job?"
Adrien screamed in his bag.
….
"So." Luka said, strumming his guitar after rehearsal. "I hear your dad is harpooning the salty longshoremoth."
Adrien slowly turned to stare at Luka. Luka who was nice. Luka who was amazing and didn't bring up the internet's hyperfixtation on his dad and a terrorist.
He might have said that last part out loud.
Luka snorted, "I am on tumblr Adrien. You should have heard what Mom said about it."
"Anarka hates social media."
"Yeah but somehow she got wind of this and asked me if it was true if your dad was jamming the clam with Hawkmoth."
Juleka shook her head. "She asked me if he was bending over a barrel."
Adrien contemplated throwing himself overboard.
….
It did not stop with Hawkmoth.
….
Kagami sipped a water bottle next to him. "I had someone message me on instagram about my mother fornicating with your father.
Adrien dropped his foil and left.
….
"It's ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!" Chloe shrieked at a group of nervous looking students. "My mother has much better taste than sleeping with Gabriel! This is just cause they know each other in the designer scene, isn't it?!"
She whirled on Zoe, who was standing at the other end of the hall talking with Mylene and Ivan. "Why aren't you saying anything about this-this nonsense!?"
Zoe just shrugged. "I mean, I'm no Gaberey shipper. I've always thought Andrgeste had more of a ring to it."
Chloe and Adrien actually matched pitch when they shrieked.
…..
It took months before he stopped hearing a mention of the absolute most cursed ship to ever come across his dash. Months before he stopped cringing every time he came across Kim and Alya, who was having way too much fun with that.
He did end up buying a new phone. Alya bought him a cute ladybug case as an apology. And then tried to sell him on Gabnathmothura.
"Gabriel and Nathalie are in love with each other, but they're in denial about it!" Adrien once again protested.
At least this time the rest of the class didn't jump in with their own ships.
Alya gave him a skeptical look. Adrien threw his hands up into the air.
"I literally live with them! Why won't you accept it?!"
"Sounds a little overcomplicated. Anyways, I've finally managed to make Ship Gabriel with Everyone a legal tag."
"Alya."
She shot hiim a wicked grin. "Relax. I've officially run out of ships. I'm only going off the ships that pop up in the great Paris shipping war, so unless someone new pops up; I'm done."
"Thank the Miraculous gods."
Later, Adrien found out Nathalie quit, only because she sent his father a memo saying "I've always preferred Gorileste." And then his father asked him what that was.
Adrien stared at him, and he got a horrible idea. It was his fault this was happening. His and Hawkmoth's. And right now, Adrien could not exact his revenge of months and months and months of torture on the super villain. So….
"I have no idea. Try googling it."
And then Adrien turned around to head to his room.
Alya sends him the new fic link two hours later much to his distress.
….
"So can I ask about your dad having a hot beef injection with your bodyguard?"
"Can't you just say they're banging like a normal person?"
"Why are all your euphemisms food related?"
Y'all can thank the SQ discord for this mess that spiraled out of control XD
ENJOY MY VIEWERS OF THE CORN!
