Catelyn

As dinner drew to a close, a very somber, very quiet dinner with only family, Catelyn bid goodnight to her brother and uncle, then to her children. She debated whether to go to her father, to say a final goodnight, but she had already said her goodbyes earlier, not knowing how long she had, and she didn't know if she could bear to do it again. The castle was subdued as she walked through the halls with Ned, everyone in limbo as the lord of the castle lay dying. She almost couldn't bear it, but at least Ned was here. They walked together to her chambers; they hadn't needed to discuss it. They had separate chambers at Winterfell, but in the first year of their life there, as they had grown closer, they had both had trouble sleeping. Catelyn had been out of sorts in the unfamiliar landscape of the North, the strangeness keeping her up at night, and Ned had been woken by nightmares, haunted by things he would never tell her. Somehow, they had both ended up in the nursery many nights, watching Robb (well, Robb and Jon, but Catelyn pretended the latter wasn't there). And afterwards they would walk together to her chambers, so neither of them had to sleep alone. Though they had grown to do so less and less, they always knew that if one of them was upset, they would sleep together. And Ned knew how she was feeling, possibly better than she did herself. But he seemed to have his own troubles brewing in his mind, and she could only guess at what they might be. Maybe he was thinking, like her, about how this was the first time they had seen each other since they had learned the truth their daughters knew, the horrible truth. Maybe he, too, was thinking about how in the past lives they had lived, he had died. She didn't want to think about that; she didn't know how she had continued in that world without him. How she had managed. Then again, she had died, too. Shuddering, she pushed all that from her mind.

When they reached her chambers and got into bed, he looked out the window for a long moment, then turned to her. There was sorrow in his eyes, but also fear. Why fear? "Cat," he said, in a tone that told her he was about to tell her something he didn't think she wanted to hear.

"Ned?"

"I know the timing is... truly awful, but I made Sansa a promise."

"I don't understand."

"I have a story to tell you."

She frowned. "Sansa asked you to tell me a story?"

"I imagine when I finish, you'll understand."

She nodded. "Alright, then."

He took a shaky breath. "You know how, at the end of Robert's Rebellion, Tywin Lannister brought the mutilated bodies of the Targaryen children in front of Robert."

She nodded. This certainly wasn't the sort of story she had expected.

"And Robert sanctioned their murders. I-I grew furious at that. We had a massive argument, and I couldn't even stand to look at him. So I left King's Landing, on my own, with just a few loyal men, to go to Dorne and fight the final battles. And to find Lyanna."

His voice broke slightly. She couldn't remember the last time Ned had spoken his sister's name out loud.

"I-I found her in this tower Rhaegar had built in Dorne, guarded by three of his Kingsguard. Including Ser Arthur Dayne. The sword of the morning."

"And then you beat him," Catelyn said. "That part everyone knows."

He averted his gaze. "I didn't beat him, Cat. He was a far better fighter than I. He killed all but one of the men I had brought with me, and collectively we took down his two fellow Kingsguard, leaving just him, me, and Howland Reed. He was about to kill me, so Howland Reed stabbed him in the back and brought him to his knees. Then I finished it."

"Oh," Catelyn said, almost in a whisper. To her it seemed he had done what he needed to do, but she knew how much her husband valued his honor. To win a fight so shamefully, by his standards, to use dishonesty... she could only imagine how such a thing had weighed on him all these years.

"Not very noble of me, I know."

She shook her head. "You did what was necessary."

"Hmm," he said, clearly unconvinced. "Anyway. I entered the tower, then, and-" He took another long breath. Whatever he was about to say, it was bad. "And I found her. Lyanna. Lying in a bed of blood."

It took a moment for the words to sink in, for the image to solidify. A birthing bed. Suddenly Catelyn had an inkling of where this might be going, and the thought was so terrible, so monumental, that she didn't dare say a thing.

"She had just given birth. To Rhaegar's baby. But the birth, she... she wasn't going to survive. So she had to tell me everything. She-she told me about how he hadn't kidnapped her, she ran away with him. At the tourney at Harrenhal, she dressed up as a knight, and he was impressed and fell in love with her, and he sang her a song which captivated her. And then he placed those flowers in her lap, and they ran off." He was speaking faster now, perhaps trying to outpace the memories before they could come back and drown him. "But it wasn't just about love, there was some kind of vision, the song of ice and fire, Stark and Targaryen, that Rhaegar had believed in, personally I didn't understand it, but Rhaegar had married her. In a secret ceremony in Dorne. This child wasn't just of Targaryen blood, it was a Targaryen. And the Rebellion was won, at that point, Robert was king. She told me he could never know, and after what I saw of Elia Martell's children, I knew she was right. Her nursemaid brought the boy out, and Lyanna held him, and then-" He choked back a sob. "With her final breaths, she begged me to keep her son safe from harm. 'Promise me, Ned,' she said. So I did. And then... then she died, and there was this little boy who the world would be trying to kill, and I kept him safe the only way I could think to."

Catelyn closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "You told the world that he was your bastard son."

Slowly, Ned nodded. He didn't say anything.

She stared at her husband. He looked so despondent, part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him. Another part of her wanted to scream at him. And yet another wanted to cry herself. Instead she just stared blankly at him, her mind trying to process, trying to make sense of it all. After a long, long moment of silence, she whispered, more to herself than to Ned, "What have I done?"

"You?"

"All these years, the way I treated him-" She felt hot tears streaking down her face, tears of anger. Anger at herself, mainly. "I knew it was wrong, Ned. I knew. He was an innocent child, after all. But I couldn't help it. Every time I looked at him I felt jealous, betrayed, hurt. The only way to avoid that, I thought, was to pretend he wasn't there. Because when I thought of him, I could only think of this unknown mother of his, this woman you must have loved more than me. This woman whose son looked more Stark than most of my own children. And all along-I mean, I felt guilty enough as it was, but to know it was all for nothing? That he wasn't even-" She couldn't speak anymore, the shame and regret of it all overcoming her.

"I thought you'd be angry at me," Ned said quietly. "Not at yourself."

"At you?"

"For bringing him into our home, putting all of our lives at risk."

"Ned, one of the things I love the most about you is how much you value family, how we have that in common. How could I ever be angry with you for protecting your family? For honoring your sister? I just... the only thing that bothers me is... why didn't you tell me? I know we were strangers when we wed, but as all the years went by, could you still not trust me?" The thought wounded her more than she dared admit.

He sighed. "I didn't know. I didn't think you would reveal Jon's secret on purpose, but you've always been a trusting person, part of me did worry you may let something slip. But that wasn't even the main reason. I knew that if Robert ever found out what I did he would kill me for it. And he would kill anyone who had aided me, anyone who knew. I didn't want to put you in danger."

She considered that for a long moment. "I can understand that. But I wish you had told me."

"I know. Though I will say, the way you treated Jon? It helped to sell the lie."

She sighed. "I'm a terrible person."

"We all have our flaws, Cat. Maybe one of mine was not trusting you."

"Incredible you kept this secret all these years. But Sansa knows?"

"Apparently in their future the secret got out. Bran used magic or something?"

"Oh, right, his visions. Does anybody else know now?"

"Howland Reed. He was there. He was the one who dragged me away from Lyanna's body."

"I can't imagine what that was like," she said. Suddenly she knew what all those secret nightmares had been about.

"It certainly wasn't my best day."

"And to hold onto that all these years..."

"I know it wasn't the best time to tell you."

She sighed. "Would there ever be a good time?"

"No, I suppose not. But then... you're not angry with me?"

"All these years I thought you were dishonoring me by raising Jon in our home. Now I find out not only did you never break our marriage vows, you were doing one of the kindest, most honorable things anyone has ever done. I'm not angry with you, Ned, if anything I don't deserve you."

"Now, Cat," he said, in a mock stern voice. "Nobody can speak about my wife that way."

She sighed. "He deserved better from me."

"Well, depending on how things go, you may have a chance to do better by him now."

"I hope so."

"And I'm sorry for springing this on you now."

"It's alright," she said. "I'm glad I know."

And after that, they both lay in silence until they drifted off into an uneasy sleep.