"The other day, lying in bed
I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while.
I realized how little I live in my body
How much in my mind."
There's this one stereotype, one of the many unfairly attributed to her, one that hurts in a very particular way. She never shows it because she's better than that, she's better than all of them. Her heart still breaks though, it trembles so violently she often fears it might escape its fragile cavity.
They say she's the it girl, the dream girl. They smile and tell her how lucky she is, how her good looks will surely lead her to a comfortable life. She thanks them, bows her head respectfully but never once does she do it with her eyes open.
She would not look straight into the eyes of somebody and ruthlessly spill such vile lies.
You see, she's never wanted to be any sort of role model. Orihime has never liked the attention. Everything everybody praised her for now, she always liked the least about who she was. She thinks appearances are the least interesting instances about what makes a person. Not only that, but people also have a sick tendency to pick apart the innocent just because they themselves could never hope to overcome the tragedy of being loveless.
Her parents were to thank for that wonderful first lesson in life.
She had grown used to being alone, anyway. But loveless? That, she will never be. Her heart was full of love to give, full of brightness and warmth and good. And because of that, she had been resigned the role of the pretty healer who is too air-headed to realize it would never be enough.
Ichigo preferred black haired princesses with white swords and unwavering eyes, anyway. He liked a challenge and unlike her, Rukia always gave him something to fight for. Orihime never liked any of the fighting to begin with, she found no thrill in spilled blood and broken bones. Ichigo, on the other hand, he'd always been utterly dissatisfied with his humanity, bored out of his mind and no matter how much she may wish to, she could not forgive him for that.
Being alive…it was beautiful.
So when he showed up at her apartment, demanding to know why she stopped speaking to him, Orihime simply closed the door in his face. What point was there in pretending? Or did he enjoy having her watch him and Rukia? Orihime deeply loved the two of them and that had been precisely why she had to remove herself. Seeing them together made her turn into something she didn't want. If they were happy, so was she. True friends until the end of all things, just as they promised, right?
Orihime had always been the better friend. She never pushed people outside of their comfort zones, rather she respected their boundaries. It took a certain type of strength to be able to love people, even at their worst. Nobody ever had to put up a brave face around her. She loved it all: the brokenness, the misery, the pain.
Human beings often resembled the shards of broken glass in her eyes. She found it somewhat amusing that nobody besides herself cared enough to notice how a cracked window welcomed in more light. So much so that it shined even brighter.
The light gently caressed the air, pale hues of sky blue and yellow painting over the darkness, blending together intricately. Any sort of fissure meant that something happened, that something changed.
To deny its beauty was to negate your very existence.
.
.
.
.
The first night he came over, he left right after the rejection. The second night, he tried some more but left anyway.
Orihime's door remained closed.
The third time, however, Ichigo only knocked. He did not demand explanations, he did not fidget nor tried to force open her door, he merely knocked. Orihime was quiet as usual, counting the minutes until his inevitable departure when all of a sudden, she noticed a piece of paper laying on the carpet.
Last time she checked, they were 20. Not in elementary school anymore. She sighed but went to pick it up anyway. Unfolding it, she couldn't help but wonder why he was so insistent. He should've figured it out by now, that she only wanted to respect his relationship. People like Ichigo didn't have to go and spell it out, Orihime never needed to hear he was in love with Rukia to see it. Wasn't he a bit selfish? She wanted to find happiness, too.
Finally, she looked at the message. A sad smile appeared on her lips.
Forgive me, it read. For what? What was there to forgive? The unrequited feelings, or that he wouldn't just leave her alone. Orihime couldn't understand how someone believed something like that was worth asking forgiveness for.
"I know you're there Orihime. Please just, just let me in."
No.
She wouldn't. She had in the past. Orihime was indeed grateful for everything, for how he saved her brother, for protecting her but now she was fine all on her own. Things inevitably changed with the passing of time and no matter how much she tried to suppress it, she found herself wanting something entirely different than simple friendship from Ichigo.
And that had become a painful impossibility the very moment Rukia came into their lives and altered their destiny. Or Aizen arranged it all. It didn't even matter. The outcome would have been identical either way. That is how utterly unfair life could be.
"Dammit Orihime. Why are you doing this? Everyone is worried about you. We all miss you...I miss you. Rukia and Chad and...everyone."
Ah. Of course.
What was there to miss she wondered. They all went to different schools now. Did they miss having a pretty cheerleader in the back? She didn't. Orihime missed it too, only how it was before she started feeling like this. There was no undoing it. She tried.
"Open the damn door and talk to me! I'm your friend, you can't do this!"
Friend? Exactly. She didn't want to be his friend anymore. What is wanted was unacceptable, selfish and wrong. Why couldn't Ichigo just leave already? Orihime was all out of tears to cry for stupid boys who broke hearts and lived to smile about it.
"I—I'm not sure what it is I did. Rukia says I'm stupid which I guess is true, but she wouldn't tell me what I did to upset you like this. I don't know...what to do, Orihime. You're...you're the best, out of all of us. And I'm sorry. I-I wish I could...Dammit. Open this door!"
Please leave Ichigo Kurosaki, she wanted to scream as loud as her lungs would take her. Yet, not a single word came out. It appears that her tears hadn't fully dried as her reddened cheeks were flooded by the wetness coming out of her eyes. So much so that she had to hug herself tightly to keep from falling apart completely.
He never knew when to give up. Only this time, that choice was not his to make.
"I'm breaking in so you better move."
He wouldn't. No. She was so close to shutting him out, so close to putting an end to this ridiculous situation. It was an absurdity, why should she have to take it? Orihime was deserving of respect at least. But too bad, because Ichigo never listened to anyone or anything but himself. And maybe Rukia from time to time, but it was too painful to think about that too.
Her apartment was broken into in less than a second. Was her goddamn door another means for him to show off his immense power? She wasn't interested. Maybe people overlooked her so much they forgot Orihime had loved Ichigo way before he gained fancy Soul Ripper Powers.
"You're crying."
"P-please leave."
"I won't."
"Uhm...This is my house and I am asking you to leave. Please."
"No."
"Why? Why can't you all just leave me alone? I'm fine. I don't need your pity nor your concern. You have someone waiting for you. You shouldn't be here."
He should have never been there, right? If she had a different kind of life, one that excluded the abuse of her parents and the death of her beloved brother, Ichigo would have never meant as much to her. She wouldn't have needed to be saved by strangers who mischievously made their way to the most intimate parts of her soul. Had she no say at all?
"What on earth are you on about, Hime?"
"Do you all think I'm that stupid? Is that it. Well I certainly am not! Stop whatever this is. Just stop Ichigo. Go back to your beautiful girlfriend."
"My beautiful what?"
"No. You know what. Goodbye. Thank you for the visit but don't come again, please."
"I don't accept your goodbye, Hime."
"It isn't yours to accept! Don't you get it Ichigo! It's not about you, not everything is for you to accept or deny. It is my own choice."
"I don't abandon the people I love."
"Stop using that word so lightly! How do...how do you think Rukia feels! Think of her feelings, how awful it must be to hear—"
"What does Rukia have to do with any of this? I'm not in love with her, I'm fucking in love with you! But you won't have me and I suck and I know and jesusfuckingchrist this is not how I planned on telling you everything."
"Liar."
Ichigo wouldn't leave. She couldn't find comfort anywhere anymore, not even in the confines of her own apartment. Fine. Orihime would be the one to leave then. Once and for all, she would leave everything behind and start a new life, open her heart and meet people who saw her for all that she was. Better people.
"I'm not—"
Orihime ran past him as fast as she could, her tears staining not only her cheeks but the air, her clothes and everywhere else. Everything was now marked with her pain. However fleeting (because even the heaviest of tears dried eventually), Orihime was content to know traces of her personal feelings now escaped to the outside world. She had always been so kind, so quick to help and listen. It was then she realized her struggles have been carelessly minimized by her own foolishness.
To be alive, it was beautiful. She owed it to her humanity to feel it all, because now Orihime was not a little girl anymore. She didn't need saving, nor someone to look out for her. Orihime Inoue was a young woman, capable of mending the broken.
It was about time she learned how to heal her own wounds, too.
.
.
.
.
She had terribly missed the river. Especially during the night, when everyone was asleep it felt as though it existed just for her. It was strangely peaceful. It reminded Orihime of simpler times, carrying a bittersweet nostalgia that made the grayness of her round eyes soften.
Orihime slowly took out her phone. Without a second though, she booked a last minute flight to Europe. She needed some time for herself, to be far away from everything. She needed to rethink her life. A new beginning was right around the corner, brimming with hope and uncertainty all the same.
With her tears now fully gone, she smiled at the stars and the night sky above. Eyes firmly shut, she imagined the tender embrace of her late brother. She sighed deeply as the cool breeze embraced her body, making long locks of auburn hair flutter with the wind elegantly.
Everything would be alright.
"Hello, miss. May I see your boarding pass please? Oh, 35B. Right this way!"
"Oh, thank you!"
She started following the pretty older lady down the narrow corridor of the plane. When she approached her seat, Orihime felt her breath abruptly stop somewhere in her throat. She couldn't move nor muster a single word. Her eyes remained fixated on the familiar figure in front of her.
Ichigo was there. Right next to her seat. Casually looking through the small window of the plane. He was inside of the plane, with her.
"Uhm, I'm sorry. M-may I switch my seat please?"
The lady turned to face her, probably preparing a reply. But it was too late, for he had already noticed them.
"Hi, Orihime."
She gulped.
"Do you still want to switch your seat, miss?"
Orihime just stared at her for what felt like hours, desperately trying to quiet down her intrusive thoughts. Both the flight attendant and Ichigo were looking at her also, eagerly waiting for her answer. Presumably for different reasons of course, but Orihime felt the tension dramatically increase by the second. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe.
"This seat is fine, thank you ma'am."
She slowly sat down next to him, buckled her seatbelt as instructed. She would avoid his wondering eyes, she would. For the entirety of the flight, she would do her best not to turn her head to the right no matter how much she wanted to see the cottony white shapes (she had never been above ground before, not inside a plane). She would not speak to him. Orihime would mind her own business and focus on the destination ahead: Rome.
She'd only seen pictures of the wonderful architecture, the sculptures and that one fountain she was certain belonged in her old fairytale books. Orihime would try and solely think about the delicious Italian cuisine and all the wonderful things that would happen to her from now on.
Dwelling over Ichigo was no longer an option.
"Are you going to storm out of the plane if I try and talk to you? I came prepared. So, Rome huh. Nice. Can't wait to rub it in everyone's faces I got to see it with you."
He was so infuriating. Fine. Maybe they could talk for a little bit. It wasn't like she could magically grow wings and fly away, right?
"Just...what do you want, Ichigo?"
He suddenly shifted his position and before she could even react, her chin was gently supported by his long index finger. Forcing her eyes to meet his. Ichigo only looked at her for a few moments as something undoubtedly soft and entirely unfamiliar reflected in his autumnal orbs.
"I want you."
Gee. Oookay. Not this again. Maybe she should've just changed seats. She was already a little fucked up, the last thing Orihime needed was to be called a home-wrecker too.
"Now you better listen carefully because I am only going to say this once. I don't know what you heard or what you think of me but I've never liked Rukia, not like that anyway. She's like my annoying little sister. You know, Yuzu and Karin. Like that. She's way older so having her around felt like I had someone to talk to when dad wasn't there, like you had your brother Sora. And I'm so hard on Renji all the time because he is in love with her and you know, it's like Yuzu having a boyfriend all of a sudden. You gotta put the bastard in his place. Now, when it comes to you and me Orihime, that's a whole lot different."
"I...I. I suck. And I should've told you sooner. Look where my cowardice got me...you distanced yourself because I wasn't man enough to say anything. I gave you the wrong impression over and over again and I hate myself for it. You are the most kindhearted, most selfless, most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life and only a jackass like me could realize all that and still try anyway. But. Will you do me the honor of being with me? Let me show you, Orihime. Just how important you are. How much I love you."
It was awfully quiet inside the plane. Orihime could only assume...but. Was everybody so bored to the point they had to eavesdrop on their private conversation?
"Uhhhm..."
Someone suddenly kicked her through the thick material of the seat. "Come on girl, say yes already!" Orihime felt as though she wanted to be thrown into a pit somewhere and swallowed whole by the underground. Of course she was blushing, the whole thing was unacceptable and she was not prepared for something like this. She gulped. It was too much to bare.
As if sensing her anxiety, Ichigo suddenly got up.
"C'mon guys, where are your manners? Mind your own business. Give her some space."
"I-it's fine Ichigo."
He made sure to properly glare at the lot of them before sitting back down next to her. Orihime was not yet looking at him, undoubtedly suffocated by this whole ordeal.
"O-okay." That sounded kind of ironic, even for her. In spite of everything, she couldn't find it in herself to reject Ichigo after hearing what he said.
Things would have turned out differently if her life wasn't the way it was. Instead of thinking about that, Orihime never once questioned if she even wished it to happen any other way. Maybe her powers could allow her to reject this whole reality, but what would that lead to? To deny the beauty of it was to deny her own existence, wasn't that what she believed in?
Maybe she should have also said something. It wasn't like she had went ahead and confessed to him, either. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe there was a chance this life was just as it should be.
After all, if it weren't, she would have been just another ordinary girl.
Ichigo kissed her lips right there and then, pulling her closer than ever in an embrace so tender it made her whole being shiver. It wasn't long before they broke apart though, and as the whole plane erupted with cheers and congratulations, they could only hide their faces in embarrassment and giggle at the ridiculousness of it all.
At least they were going to Rome, right?
4 months later
"Dinner will be ready in 10."
"A-are you sure you don't need help? Uhm, you haven't let me cook dinner once since you moved in."
"Nah don't worry about it Hime."
He didn't mind cooking, really. It was safer that way, for the both of them. Plus, he'd always entertained the idea of a man who knows his way around the kitchen. He felt bad for not helping out Yuzu that much back at home, but hey. Back then his Substitute Soul Ripper duties took up the majority of his time. And he had been stupid enough to refuse the payments, too. What a useless dumbass he used to be.
"You won't even tell me what you're making?"
"If I tell you it'll spoil the surprise."
"But I want to know so I can pick out the perfect appetizers. Like donuts with beans! Woah!Delicious!"
"How about we save the donuts for dessert?"
Ichigo sneaked behind Orihime and wrapped his arms around her tummy. He leaned in and gently kissed one of her cheeks then, he slowly started tickling her belly. Her laugh was contagious. It was melody to his ears. This was his greatest achievement yet: making Orihime Inoue happy.
She broke away from his grasp, only to turn around and face him. She placed a long, wet kiss on his lips as she whispered something entirely unexpected:
"I was thinking of doing something else for dessert."
author's note:
was the begging too bitter? i think i have grown bitter haha. i love Orihime. hope you guys like this!
if you have the time, please review! it makes me so happy to read your thoughts and suggestions.
