This is Haruhi on Drugs
The4thEmperor
4. Roleplaying
Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Haruhi S. & Kyon - Reviews: 56 - Updated: 03-12-12 - Published: 11-10-11 - id:7539904
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A/N Notes:
You kids, with your Elder Scrolls and your Dragon Age and your Final Fantasy! You've got no appreciation for the roots of you and your whatnot RPGs! Now, sit down and let me tell you kids a little something about Dungeons and Dragons….
Why we can't have nice things
Sitting around a table in a poorly lit room were five ominous figures. The lead figure spoke up. "In the quiet darkness, you stand before the gates to the Iron City of Dis, wherein lies the Archdemon Baal Kane, who was plagued you for many a year with his legions of undead. As the gates creak open, blazing fire lights the darkness as emerges the most horrid abomina-."
The figure was interrupted by a flick of the lights as Haruhi entered the room. "Hey nerds, whatcha doing?" she asked, as the Computer Club President stood up from behind the Dungeon Master's screen.
"Dammit Haruhi, you ruined the mood!" he grumbled, as the gathered players turned to Haruhi.
"What is it that you want, Suzumiya?" sighed Achakura, who had to sit on the table to reach her dice.
"Damn! My secret is revealed!" Sasaki said, hiding under the table. "You did not see me here! I was not playing D!"
"Like I said before, what are you doing?" Haruhi asked again.
"Playing Dungeons and Dragons." piped up Taniguchi, stacking his dice into a little tower.
"Pardon?" Haruhi asked, cocking her head to the side.
"Dungeons and Dragons. It's a fantasy roleplaying game. Basic goal is to kill monsters and collect treasure." the Computer Club President explained.
"Cool! Let me borrow all your Dungeons and Dragons stuff so I can play!" Haruhi exclaimed, as Achakura, Taniguchi, Sasaki, and the Computer Club President turned pale.
"Um, we're…using it…." the Computer Club President explained. Oh god, if she starts playing D I can only dread the things that could happen….
"Haru-chan~! I'll let you borrow my D stuff~!" the fifth player exclaimed, who just so happened to be The4thEmperor, as he stood up carrying a massive stack of D rulebooks, miniatures, dice, maps, and character sheets.
This is going to go badly…. the Computer Club President thought as Haruhi gladly snatched up the large pile of D materials from The4thEmperor and left without a word.
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Haruhi, wearing the most over-the-top wizard outfit, complete with a vampire cape and a large staff, loomed over the table. Yuki was dressed in her witch costume, Itsuki as a crusader, Mikuru as some sort of bondage princess, and Kyon in a gaily colored jester's uniform.
"Haruhi, what's going on?" Kyon asked, half hoping for no answer.
"We're going to be playing Dungeons and Dragons!" Haruhi happily exclaimed.
"So we're going to sit around, drink Mountain Dew, quote Monty Python, and wish we could get laid?" Kyon snarked, as Haruhi glared at him.
"You each shall take these character sheets." Haruhi said, passing out a sheet to each Brigade member. "Begin."
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(Format Change! Change to script format)
Kyon-Kyon the Human Bard
Mikuru-Mikuru the Elven Druid
Yuki-Yuki the Human Warlock
Itsuki-Itsuki the Human Paladin
Haruhi-The Dungeon Master
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DM: You stand in the town of uh, Sandwitch.
Kyon: Sandwich?
DM: Yes. Because it is to a very powerful sand witch.
Kyon: Is it a tasty sandwich?
DM: Kyon, don't be disgusting! Now then, all is peaceful in the town Sandwitch, as you stand in the town square. There is a small vegetable stand nearby.
Itsuki: I buy a vegetable…
DM: Alright.
Itsuki: …and smoke it. Is my character high?
Yuki: I shoot the vegetable salesman with Infernal Blades, heightened by my Rod of Goetia +2 and my Heightened Vow feat. How many experience points do I receive?
DM: Um…one.
Yuki: Excellent.
DM: As you do this, an orc walks up to you.
Mikuru: I, er, attack it, um, with… Armor Class!
Kyon: Mikuru, that's not an attack, that's a stat.
Mikuru: Oh….
DM: "Greetings. I am Phillip, son of Bob." the orc says. "I need you adventurers to defeat the cyborg dragon that has plagued my people for many a year."
Kyon: Cyborg Dragon?
DM: Yeah, so? Anyway, as Phillip explains this, he's killed by a swarm of monkey bees and they are now attacking you. What do you do?
Kyon: Monkey bees? FUCKING MONKEY BEES?
Itsuki: I smoke 'em.
Mikuru: I cast, uh, equipment!
Kyon: Haruhi, my character put all his skills into Knowledge (Game Show Trivia)!
Yuki: I attack the monkey bees with my dual chain whips, which I add plus three to because of my specialization in long range melee fighting and cast Burning Acidic Disease due to my use of the Simultaneous Spell feat.
Mikuru: Wait, no, I cast, uh, twelve sided die!
Kyon: Why is my character a eunuch?
Itsuki: Am I high yet?
Yuki: In addition, I use my time-warping proficiency to summon a pair of pterodactyls which I can control with my +3 Staff of Reptile Mastery.
Mikuru: Wait! I cast character sheet!
DM: SCREW THIS D SUCKS!
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The next day, Haruhi walked in carrying another stack of RPG materials, as Kyon looked on in horror.
"Um, Haruhi, I thought you gave up on D…." Kyon said, sweating.
"I did! But I found this way better game, Call of Cthulhu!"
Dun-dun-dun-dun!
A/N Notes:
Haruhi's D group is a lot less frustrating than mine.
Monkey Bees are a real D monster. Fear the Monkey Bee.
Also, don't tell Haruhi, but I think superstarultra might actually write a HaruhixThe4thEmperor fic. :3
Review for a coupon to Chili's
