A/N: Hi! Special special thank you's to my best friend who became my inspiration, pitched in her idea and got me through my writer's block. Thank you, P, I owe you one. Feedback is always appreciated, on to the chapter now. Enjoy!

PS: I am not ready to talk about it, I am still in denial. She is not leaving I refuse to believe it.

~•~

Feelings have a funny way of working.

You hate. With every fiber of your being, with passion, you just hate. You are used to it, you are okay with it.

But then you love. When you are supposed to absolutely hate, you love. With every fiber of your being, with passion, you love.

It's confusing. Feelings are confusing. And they suck. So damn much.

~•~

She had worn a hole on the carpet by walking up and down in her bedroom, worrying herself sick about what she had felt just moments earlier, and the fact that Amanda had shut off the connection wasn't helping.

She was sitting on her bed, it was around eleven o'clock at night and she was getting ready to sleep after the exhausting day they had had. When she finally lay down and closed her eyes, ready for another dreamless night to pass, she felt a sharp pain just above her stomach.

And then again. And again. One more time and then it was over. She knew it was her, that something was happening to her.

She promised she would reach out, damn it.

But if she had learnt one thing about Amanda Adelaide Rollins over the past few months that she had been working with her was that she was one hell of a hot-head. So, she tried to reach her out instead.

And of course Amanda didn't give her access to her mind. Olivia had to go find her and get her to a hospital, because those punches she must have received definitely cracked a rib or two, maybe even broke them. But she had no idea where the other woman lived and she didn't know where she was to go help her.

So, she proceeded on pacing pointlessly in her room, desperately trying to access Amanda's thoughts.

She didn't know if it was possible. But she kept trying as if her life depended on it.

~•~

She was on the ground, her arms wrapped around her middle, a painful cry leaving her mouth after dropping to her knees in front of the people she owed money to.

"Next time, you might not get off this easy, sweetheart." Her bookie said before leaving her there, as she tried to catch her breath and keep the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes at bay.

She had just wanted to fill the gas tank of her truck and head home for the night. She wasn't bothering a soul, she was just minding her own business. And they came out of nowhere and hit her so hard that she couldn't breathe, couldn't move, her entire body feeling totally helpless.

Very slowly she tried to stand up on her feet, every movement feeling like another punch in the ribs.

I really hope she can't feel this. At least not as much as I do.

Yes, she was that kind of person. The one who sometimes cared more about the people around her, her people, and not her own well-being. It was, also, Olivia. She was above everything and everyone.

She put one of her hands on the roof of her car for support and with a groan of pain she was standing, her knees still a bit bent, and was taking small steps towards the driver's side.

Everything after that was a bit of a blur. She got into the car and after just barely managing to put on her seatbelt she started driving her way home.

She didn't remember slamming her head on the wheel in frustration after stopping at a red light. She didn't remember honking like a crazy person at the car in front of her to go faster because she couldn't take the pain anymore. Her ribs were on fire and she needed to lay in her tub, with some hot water to relieve the stiffness.

And now she was lying in her bathtub, in hot water, head resting on the white marble. She was a bit more relaxed, her muscles absolutely appreciating the calmness, but her mind couldn't stop running a mile a minute.

How in the name of the Fates was she going to pay off her debt? Those were ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars that she did not have. Next time she would want to gamble maybe she should think about that and not that she felt lucky that night.

And that guy probably told her boss and he was not going to be particularly thrilled that one of his employees was paying visits to illegal underground gambling clubs.

By the Fates, I am so fired.

She realized, soon after those thoughts, that the water had started turning cold so she tried her best not to trip and fall on the floor due to the still throbbing pain in her body. Her legs felt like jelly from the lack of energy her body was experiencing.

She placed her hand on the bathroom tiles and grabbed a towel she had left on top of the laundry basket to cover herself up. Thank the Fates that her hair hadn't gotten wet as well because she didn't think, given her state, that she would be able to blow-dry them.

Putting on a pair of sweatpants and an NYPD hoodie had proved to be quite the difficult task since she was breathing heavily and felt like she had run a freaking marathon. But at least now she was on her bed, finally.

She wanted, had to, go grab an ice pack from the fridge and ice her ribs but she wasn't really sure if she had enough power in her to do so at that moment. She opted for staying in bed instead, staring at the ceiling and letting her guards down after a long excruciating day.

Fuck.

The tears didn't take long to make an appearance.

How had she managed to get herself into this mess? When was she going to learn? Amanda felt so disappointed in herself, for yet another time, and she couldn't help but remember her mother's words right before Beth-Anne had kicked her out of their home.

"You are a disgrace to this family and you are no longer a daughter of mine."

The words still stung. And not because they were harsh, or mean, or even because they came from her own mother, but because they were completely true.

I am a fucking disgrace.

And I'm waiting for the time where you will stop talking about yourself like that.

She rolled her eyes because of course Olivia was awake and waiting for her to let her into her mind through their bond. That woman would never give up, would she?

What do you want, Liv? I really just can't tonight.

She sounded so resigned that it scared the crap out of Olivia. How could a person like her, beautiful, smart, young, will-driven be so helpless and… dark.

I know you're tired, it comes off of you in waves. I just wanted to know if you're okay, if you need any help getting to the hospital?

Hospital? No, there was no way Amanda was going to willingly feel more humiliated and embarrassed than she already did. She could take care of herself.

I'm fine. I'll live. It was nothing serious.

It felt serious.

She rolled her eyes again. Sometimes Amanda hated the fact that the two shared a body and this was definitely one of those times.

Liv, drop it. I'm saying this as nicely as I possibly can but please just get out of my head and let me rest. I promise you, it's nothing I can't handle.

It's true. She had had to handle worse in her life. Way worse. And she had still pulled through which meant that she could do it again.

Fine. I'll leave you alone. Just promise me that what you're feeling right now isn't gonna lead to what you did last time you felt like this.

Wide-eyed, Amanda blocked Olivia out of her thoughts because she had no right bringing that up. But technically she did because Amanda hadn't told her not to. Because Amanda had foolishly thought that maybe Olivia hadn't felt that.

She felt it. But it was so late at night, how could she… and how could she know what it was?

An act of desperation, that's what it was. A drunken, stupid decision in order to ease her pain after what had happened in November. She had shoved that memory in the back of her mind, blaming it on the alcohol and the hurt. Blaming it solely on her demons that took over for a moment.

She shook her head. She wasn't about to open that door to the past that could easily be compared to Pandora's box. She wasn't in the right frame of mind to do anything other than rest.

Give me one night. Just one night of sleep and I'll deal with it all tomorrow.

~•~

Sleep, though, never came and not for luck of trying. Her ribs were burning despite the amount of medicine she had consumed the night before to tone it down a little.

But the pain was still there in the morning and it felt like her body was on fire, the pain slowly transferring from her ribs, to her head, to down to her toes.

She cried.

It didn't help her aching muscles at all, it actually made her feel everything to the max in the worst possible way. Her body was violently shaking from the sobbing and the cries she let slip from her lips.

She was devastated. She was a total mess. She had never felt more of a disaster than she did at that moment, at dawn, lying on her bed and feeling powerless.

"That's how life is gonna be from now on, ain't it?" She said aloud while staring at the ceiling, as if the Fates would answer her.

They didn't. And she didn't have the power to beg for them to listen anymore. So she grabbed her phone and when she saw the time she decided to wait an hour or two before calling her captain to inform him that she fell from the stairs and thinks she may have hurt her ribs which means she may need a few days off work.

Sounds believable right?

Right?

She hoped. She damn hoped that it was believable because right now she didn't have anything else that would justify her being absent from work for a few days.

She slowly tried to sit up on the bed and make her way to the bathroom, to maybe take another bath to calm her nerves since it had definitely helped the night before.

Unplugging her phone, she took it with her to the bathroom along with a set of clean towels from her closet. She took off her sweaty clothes that were clinging to her body, making her feel beyond dirty, and after filling the bathtub with hot water she eased herself inside, letting out a sigh of relief.

She needed this. Her system, her mind, her soul, her entire being needed this.

She stayed in that position for more than an hour, occasionally sinking underneath the surface of the water to take care of her hair as well. This felt nice. Nicer than last night had felt and definitely nicer than having to get ready for work.

Work.

She had to finally call her boss and inform him of this unfortunate event. The whole tripping and falling while climbing the stairs of her apartment complex, not what actually happened.

Beep. Beep. Bee-

"Donald Cragen speaking." His voice was abruptly heard from the other end of the line, startling Amanda only slightly.

"Uh, good morning, Captain. This is Rollins. I called to inform you that I…" she cleared her throat, suddenly feeling nervous and unsure about herself. "I won't be coming in today. I would actually like to ask for a couple of days off. I, uh, it's a bit silly but I tripped and fell down the stairs. My ribs are hurting so bad I, uh, can barely move."

He didn't believe her. "Huh. So this sudden injury wouldn't have anything to do with your bookie, right?"

She tried to explain herself but it fell on deaf ears. He knew, he knew everything.

"You can get a few days off. Figure everything out yourself, heal a little. But the day you come in again you'll start with desk duty and you better tell me that you have found a gamblers anonymous program to attend because otherwise I won't be this lenient."

His tone was firm but also very understanding, it took Amanda aback. She was expecting some yelling, a suspension or getting fired for sure. But instead he was ensuring her that her secret was safe with him, under certain conditions of course.

She was grateful. "Thank you, Captain. I promise to put a stop to it. Have a good day."

"Take care, Amanda." She could hear that small smile in his voice, the one he would usually offer his detectives, and it brought tears to her eyes.

How could she have betrayed the only man to have ever shown such pride and belief in her she didn't know. And she would never forgive herself for this. But she had three days to figure out a way to make things as right as possible.

New year, new start. Right?

~•~

It's been three days of hell. Three days where she had been gone and Olivia had been kept in the dark.

When she asked Fin he said that Amanda just sent him a text saying she would be off for three days, she was okay and he needn't worry. When she asked the Captain he said that she called him, informed him, he gave her the okay and hadn't spoken to her since then. She even bothered asking Nick even though he and Amanda didn't get along all that well.

She was so desperate for any kind of news that she even asked Munch if he had heard anything.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, my dear Olivia. I am sure your girl is fine." And with a wink he walked away.

She still had no idea what was that all about but she didn't have enough free space in her brain for it. It was cramped up with thoughts of her. Was she okay? Was she in too much pain? Was she eating, could she get out of bed, did she need any help, has she given up? But the most important one?

Why do I worry so damn much? Why do I care so damn much?

But she did so, she tried every hour of every day to get in touch with her via their bond. But half the times Amanda had the connection shut off or she would shut down Olivia with her sharp words. Her words cut through Liv like a knife.

Why is it hurting me? It isn't supposed to. I'm not supposed to feel like that, damn it!

She couldn't take it anymore. Not knowing if she was okay, not knowing if she was dying, not knowing anything at all. She needed to see for herself if her soulmate was doing well after the attack and she would do whatever it took to find out.

Which included not so legally searching her file to find out her address and drive there when she was done with her paperwork.

Jesus, Amanda. Do you have to live in Brooklyn? And on the fourth floor without an elevator?

Yeah, she was very much determined to get to her. So she climbed four flights of stairs and walked what seemed like an endless corridor to get to Amanda's apartment. She felt bad, it was a violation of the blonde's privacy, but she desperately needed to know.

She tried the bond once more, giving her the courtesy of warning her to maybe get ready for company.

Hey, I know this is weird but I'm outside. Open up, please. I'm really not in the mood to break the door.

Come in, it's unlocked.

She was surprised. She didn't expect her to reply, these past few days she had had her guard up so Olivia couldn't get to her. But there she was, sounding as tired as ever, her inner voice barely a whisper.

She opened the door and walked in like Amanda instructed her to do.

Bedroom. Down the hall.

Her voice was small, broken. Suddenly, Olivia wasn't sure if she was all that ready to face the other woman. What if this was more than she was equipped to handle? Well, being a true Mother Teresa, she would do it anyway.

She pushed the slightly open door of the bedroom and started walking in.

"Oh, Amanda." She breathed out when her eyes landed on the younger woman.

She was curled up in a fetal position on the bed, her body trembling from exhaustion, pain, the cold weather, everything. She looked a bit pale and Olivia wouldn't be surprised if she had bags under her eyes.

She went closer, and sat on the bed next to Amanda, who she could now hear sobbing violently in her pillow.

"I am gonna turn you around so you lie on your back, okay? This position will only make your ribs hurt more."

Okay.

She couldn't even speak which meant that Olivia's job would be a lot more difficult than she had originally thought. She placed her hands on Amanda's slim shoulders and steadily turned her towards her, causing her soulmate to let out a pained cry.

"I'm so sorry, Amanda."

Amanda chuckled through her tears.

It's not like you punched me in the ribs. It's okay, Imma be okay. Us southern gals are fighters, didn't ya know?

Olivia scoffed but kept her voice sweet and gentle. "Well, if you weren't crying and if you… looked somewhat better, I would believe you."

Her voice was incredibly hoarse but damn if Olivia wasn't happy to actually listen to it. "Are you insinuating that I look like crap, detective Benson?"

Olivia laughed. She let out a full-on belly laugh that brought a smile to Amanda's face. It suited her, she thought, smiling. She didn't get to see her smile a lot, not genuinely. She liked it.

You're not supposed to like it, though.

You know I'm privy to these, right?

No, she had forgotten about that and she hoped that Amanda was too disoriented to understand anything.

"Amanda…" she sighed.

"I know. Make the call." She brought up a hand and wiped away her tears while Olivia was calling for an ambulance.

~•~

The ambulance arrived and Olivia rode with Amanda to the hospital, talking throughout the entire ride through the portal.

Olivia asked questions and she received answers that she didn't necessarily like. She was disappointed at Amanda but at the same time -while knowing a few things about her background, her family and the APD- she couldn't blame her. But she was happy to know that she was willing to try and make things better for her.

The diagnosis was two broken ribs, at least two weeks worth of rest for full recovery and medication for the pain would be needed.

"Two weeks? Is he kidding? Cragen isn't goin' to like that, let me tell ya." Amanda scoffed.

She could scoff, now, since they had administered some morphine on the ambulance. Everything felt better, so much better. And Olivia was with her.

"You're gonna take it and he won't say a thing. I'll make sure of that." She was holding her hand.

For some reason, after they put her in a room and let her settle in, Olivia sat by her side and held her hand, never letting it go, with her two fingers pressing on the pulse point at her wrist. She wanted to feel her heartbeat. The reason? Unknown. She just wanted it.

"Oh, yeah? You do know he's your boss, too, right?"

"I do, but he listens to me. We've become close over the years. Cragen is family." Olivia smiled at her, reassuringly, and Amanda smiled back.

It was nice, despite the circumstances, the security which Olivia provided her with at that moment was the nicest thing she had felt in years. She had promised herself that those feeling of hers would be buried. But they came back. And they wouldn't go away so easily this time. And she wasn't sure if she even wanted them to.

"Olivia," Her voice was so fragile, it made Liv tear up a bit. "I– thank you. For everything. And I am so, so sorry for the way I spoke to you. I'm a horrible person. And after what I told you, I would understand if you–" Amanda was on the verge of crying so Olivia interrupted her.

"Hey, hey, none of that. It's okay, that's what I'm here for. I told you that I care about you. If only you just let me, Amanda."

"Okay." The blonde whispered, squeezing Olivia's hand with whatever power she had left.

"Okay?" Amanda nodded and Olivia let out a sigh of relief.

She was feeling things. She didn't know if she liked them, if she even understood them, but she felt them. Seeing Amanda already half asleep on the hospital bed she didn't care one damn bit.

Who cares? At least she's gonna be okay, that's what matters.