Chapter 19
A couple of days had passed, emotions had cooled down and the alcohol had washed away from Gigi's system. What was left was a mixture of embarrassment - the worst she'd ever felt or at least very close to it, guilt and soul crunching need to just crawl into a hole and hide. But since her classes were still the priority, Gigi had pushed ahead, putting up a strong front, the difference being that she hadn't dared to loan Finn's bike again and held her breath each time she left the apartment, hoping desperately to not run into him. Talk about awkward - whoever thought it'd be a good idea to get involved with someone living in the same building.
The only thing she had heard from Finn had been the morning after "I'm sorry," the message being simple and at the same time confusing. Did he even know what he was apologizing for? Or was it just for that late-night, almost scolding, quickie, which had made her feel worthless?
She had replied with her own more concrete - "I'm sorry for slapping you. Sorry for all of it," and after some more wallowing in her self-pity she'd added - "I can't do this anymore," which in her mind must've been clear enough for him. Now she could only hope that he'd gotten the message and was staying clear of her just the same.
She'd gotten back from her classes that day, gulped down a glass of orange juice and dialed her mother. After her classes it was generally a good time for calls, it being evening for her and morning for them, the time difference being even greater with her mom compared to Rory.
"Hey sweety, what's up?" Sherry picked up, sounding a little out of breath.
"Oh nothing much, just thought I'd check in," Gigi said, not sounding too good.
"How's school? Been out anywhere fun?" Sherry inquired, sounding vibrant as ever.
"School's hard, but same. Still good. Went to a concert with a friend this weekend. Nice music, cool venue..," Gigi summed things up, not wanting to get into the details of the rest of that evening.
"Oh, a friend? Anyone cute?" Sherry inquired.
Gigi rolled her eyes at her worse. Of course she'd ask that. She'd been the coolest mother in that sense - the kind that never said she couldn't have boys over or date them, as long as they weren't delinquents and treated her well at least. But at the same time she had always known that that had been her mother trying too hard, trying to make up for her absence during her younger years, her lack of paying attention when she'd been in her early teens and now trying to be all cool. Gigi got it - she was forgiving and understanding, it hadn't been easy on her mother either. But it was just so predictable to her by now.
"Just Isabella. I told you about her, didn't I? And if you need to know she is pretty darn cute," Gigi teased, intentionally making it sound like she might have a thing for her, while she really didn't. While she had experimented with girls in her life, she knew for sure now that they just didn't do it for her the same way guys did, hence it was not really something she'd seriously consider again.
"Ha-ha," Sherry replied, getting her joke. "But seriously. I haven't heard you mention any guys? I mean it's been a while since you dated, hasn't it?" Sherry inquired well-meaningly.
While this would've been annoying in a normal case, right now that just felt like a knife to the heart.
"Believe it or not - everyone's either taken, gay or just… not good enough," Gigi said.
"You have a holiday coming up soon, right?" Sherry said. "Maybe you'll go on a road trip or something now that you have that car. Maybe take a surfing course or something. There's got to be cute guys there, right?" Sherry continued.
"That's like four more weeks, mom," Gigi replied, knowing her mother appreciated her calling mom rather than by her name. "And in case you forgot it's approaching winter over here - going surfing would be a horrible idea, it'd be freezing," Gigi exclaimed, dismissing the idea before going onwards to discuss how things were in Paris.
It was cold alright, and it showed on Finn's bluish lips, because he'd attempted to go at it without his wetsuit that day, as he paddled out into the ocean again at Rye Back Beach which was a lot less crowded than the famous Gunnamatta, taking the best his solitude had to offer. Before heading out that day, determined to shake his life up a bit, seeing that his so-far avoidant and sulky behavior hadn't really gotten him much of anywhere, he'd noticed Gigi not having taken the bike, hence it was also beginning to sink in for him that she must've really meant what her last message had said.
He was under no impression that this was the big love of his life that he was losing, he hadn't knowingly dared to let himself feel much at all - but now he did feel the loss. He also felt regret and his mind had probably replayed that night over in his head a hundred times, needing to be sure he hadn't hurt her with his actions that evening, fearing that he might have crossed a line. He hadn't raped her had he? Her consent had been only really in the form of sliding down her jeans and underwear - while the rest of her had spoken a very different story. He wasn't proud of the way he'd gotten mad at her either, feeling this need to punish her somehow.
Maybe it really was better that he stayed away? He didn't like the person he became around her - reckless, stupid and jealous - it wouldn't have been the first time, the stupid stunt with the drink at the club weeks ago still in his mind as well. But then again - it was much easier in his position to think of the negative. They had had their highs, but the lows were more painful than he'd felt in a while - somehow since he felt she was more genuine than his ex-wife, for example, it only made the painful parts hurt more.
Finn waited, laying on his surfboard, for the perfect wave, ignoring the stiffness of his muscles, and got ready to catch the wave. There was deep joy in simply allowing the ocean to carry oneself. Just being there in the hands of the ocean, experiencing each wave deep in one's muscles. It was a sense of freedom mixing perfectly with acceptance, especially if one managed to stay upright longer than one anticipated like now.
He wanted to be a better person, a better man. He didn't want to hurt the people around him. And the therapy session he had planned for the following day, having not seen anyone for nearly a year about his issues, was supposed to be a fresh start, the last therapist having not quite been a good fit. But in a way it felt like ripping up a partially healed wound too. He just kept reminding himself, that the wound hadn't healed right in the first place.
After Gigi had finished the phone call with her mother, not really getting much further than the surface of things, she noted a missed call from Rory, that had come in the meanwhile, and decided to give her a call back.
"Just a minute, Gigi," Rory answered, sounding like she had her hands full, light babble of her baby in the background. "I'm here," she replied, perhaps 20 seconds later.
"Hi," Gigi said, her energy levels being not quite as high anymore.
"I just handed Charlie to the nanny," Rory explained, speaking of her youngest.
"It's fine," Gigi replied.
"So, how are things?" Rory asked, sounding almost like she was living vicariously through her sister right now. Gigi knew she loved being at home with the kids and it was not like she didn't have her writing projects at the same time, but it was still a lonely existance for someone who was used to travelling and being around intelligent people all day for most of her life.
"Oh you know… it's beginning to look a little more like autumn here. Today has been like four seasons in a day almost. It was freezing this morning, then we got rain… and it is now beginning to look like a nice summer evening now," Gigi said, as she glanced outside to the balcony. Not wanting to limit herself or what she did, she slid the balcony door open and took a step outside, seeing the beautiful sunset from the edge of the balcony. For a moment she wondered whether Finn was overhearing her, but assumed he probably wasn't, the outdoor season drawing to its end.
"You know, I actually wanted to tell you something," Rory said.
"What? Everything okay over there?" Gigi asked, worriedly.
"Oh yeah, everything is fine. Logan's just been working a lot. You know how it is…," Rory began and sighed. "But that's actually a part of what I wanted to share," she added.
Gigi listened, appreciating how it was so much more genuine talking to her sister than her mom. There were no expectations from Rory fo her to do or date or live a certain way, she was just her best support system without any judgment.
"So Logan's flying over to Australia for work. Brisbane for a week and then two weeks in Melbourne, and I figured I might just come with, bring the kids and all. I almost feel I never get to see him otherwise. I thought maybe even without the nanny, I might be crazy for even considering the latter but I mean most moms can handle two, can't they?" Rory said, laughing at herself for having gotten so used to having help around.
"And then there's me…, I can help," Gigi replied.
"Sure, but you've got your own life. School and work and friends," Rory said, not wanting to be a burden.
"It's fine. I mean I won't be around all the time, but I might be able to give you a moment when you need. Oh, and if you need, my friend Isabella used to babysit for a living until last year, she could probably help too," Gigi added.
"Uh.. that actually doesn't sound like a bad idea. I mean for a night out or something, probably won't need her every day," Rory discussed.
"So when are you coming?" Gigi asked, already making a mental note to look into if Isabella was willing to help out and assumed Rory would like to see at least some references, despite her being her friend.
"Brisbane a week from now and then we'll see. Depends on Logan's plans," Rory explained.
Gigi hadn't expected to be this relieved to have her sister come and visit. Sure she'd been planning on visiting either way, but them coming already now, felt like just what she needed.
"You're awfully quiet today…," Rory noted.
"I just…," Gigi began but suddenly decided to open up, hoping it'd make things easier. She hadn't felt any of that with her mother just now. "I just… I had something going with this guy and I just couldn't do it anymore… we were such a mess together. So I'm just a little bummed about that, I guess," she admitted.
"Aw… I'm sorry,," Rory sympathized.
"Yeah, so am I. It was just a big mistake," Gigi replied with a sigh, rubbing her palm over her face.
"Well, you know what you need to do? You need to wallow - eat junk, have a good cry and listen to the saddest love songs… just let it all out. You know - go through the stages of grief. And when I'll come - we'll make sure you forget all about him, okay? You deserve to be happy and feel good!" Rory said, her words sounding like the world's best pep talk.
"Thanks," Gigi replied, feeling the tears already in her throat. It would've been so easy had she not cared for him, had she not felt anything…
"You'll be fine, I promise," Rory assured.
"Uh-uh," Gigi replied. "I can't wait to see you," she added, already sensing how she just needed a hug.
"I'll be there in no time," Rory promised.
As the call ended Gigi did just what she'd said, putting on Adele's 'Someone Like You' - it was a little too mainstream to her liking but it was the perfect song to start her wallowing off to, not bothering to look for anything else. But instead of playing it on her bluetooth speaker like she had before, almost hoping Finn would hear, now she used her headphones, staying out there on the balcony, wrapped up in a blanket, sniffling and watching the sun set in the reflection of the house across the street.