Chapter 43: The Conversation in the Hammock (Anastasia's POV)

I hadn't wanted to end the call with Christian, but I knew he had things to do before getting on the plane, and I would see him in a few hours. I didn't even consider trying to go back to sleep. The nightmare had been too horrible, and I was still feeling its effects. If I were to lie down, I'm sure it would begin to replay in my mind. No, I had better things to focus my mind on.

I sat down on the bed and fluffed the pillows behind me before I picked up my laptop and began to compose my list. I hadn't been joking with Christian; I actually had a list already formulated in my mind of things I desperately needed to discuss with him. Life altering things. I knew that life as I had known it had already forever changed. The attack on my life had changed me, and I couldn't go back to being the Anastasia Steele that I had been before. Over the past few days, my Hawaiian retreat had given me the space and time I needed to prioritize my life. Christian was a huge part of it now, and I needed to run a few things past him. I needed him to agree to a few things, or at least to compromise with me.

#1: Family. I wanted one with Christian. Actually, I already had one with Christian and Christina, and I wanted more. Christian and I needed to finalize the plans for our wedding, and then as soon as we were married, I wanted to start trying to have a baby. I wanted my family to be my first priority. They made me happy.

#2: Work. Ismintis International had been my entire life, and it was still very important to me, but my priorities were changing. I no longer cared about becoming more wealthy, but I wanted to make sure all my employees around the world kept their jobs, with decent salaries and benefits. Beyond that, I wanted to share my wealth and make the world a better place. It only made sense for Christian and me to merge our companies, and we needed to move forward with that plan. We had mentioned it briefly when I was in the hospital, but Christian was waiting for me to bring it up again. It was time to discuss it in detail. It would take several months, and we needed to get the ball rolling soon.

#3: Foundation. I had already been setting aside money to begin a charitable organization, but I had been too busy with Ismintis to put my plans into motion. I felt that now was the time to move ahead. Christian, too, had plans to begin a charitable organization, and I thought we might want to combine our efforts in that regard as well.

#4: Sex. I knew my doctor hadn't cleared me yet, and my gut was still sore, so he wouldn't clear me yet. But I needed Christian to know that I was mentally ready even if I couldn't physically go there yet. I'd been worried after being raped that it would take me months to want to have sex again. But that wasn't the case. I wanted Christian, and I wanted to make sure he knew it.

That was it. Once I had it written down, I realized how short my list was. I ended up emailing Christian just those four words: family, work, foundation, sex. I knew this cryptic email wouldn't make much sense to him, but I also knew we were going to talk about it as soon as he arrived.

I was napping in my hammock on my lower deck when Christian arrived later that afternoon, and I was awakened to the most pleasurable thing I'd felt all week: his lips on mine. The hammock was large enough for both of us, so I snuggled into his arms and returned his kiss.

"I missed you," he said when we finally ended the kiss.

"Me too," I responded. I wasn't sure how to communicate to him just how much I'd missed him.

"Never leave me again," he whispered in my ear before he nipped it between his teeth.

"I didn't leave you, Christian," I objected. "I just needed to get away. I thought you understood."

"I did," he assured me. "But I missed you." With that, he started kissing my neck.

"I need you," I told him. "Make love to me, Christian."

"Ana..." he said in a warning tone. "You're not ready yet."

"Mentally, I am," I insisted. "I'm more than ready."

He placed his hand on my pelvis, and I hoped he was going to move it lower, but instead he pressed firmly.

"Ouch!" I cried out. "Why did you...?"

"You're not ready yet," Christian insisted. "You're still sore, Ana. I'll be damned if I give you a hernia instead of an orgasm."

I pouted. "But... I want you. I missed you, Christian."

"Oh, baby," Christian said as he pulled me towards him and smelled my hair, "I want you too. So fucking much. And I'll have you. As soon as the doctor clears you, and not a minute sooner."

"It hasn't even been three full weeks yet, and the doctor said six weeks! I don't want to wait that long! And what about you? You're not injured, and you..." I stopped... and giggled as I felt his erection digging into my thigh. "You're hard," I observed.

He smirked at me. "I am," he admitted. He pumped his cock against me. "That's what you do to me."

"I can take care of that," I offered.

"No question about that," he agreed. "But no. I'm not going to come until you can."

I stared at him in confusion. "Why?" I asked. "Even if I can't come, I can suck you off."

He smiled at me, but then he grew serious. "No. Now, stop it."

"But..." I objected.

"No," he insisted. "Now... I seem to recall a list that you wanted to discuss. That's what you called it anyway. Although... I'm not sure it's such a great idea to build a family or work on a foundation of sex. What the hell does that mean, anyway?"

I cracked up. "No, I agree... I didn't mean for it to be strung together into a sentence. They're each things I want to discuss with you."

Christian was beaming at me. "I love your giggle," he told me.

"I know," I replied. "We can start with sex if you'd like."

"As the foundation for family or work?" he asked teasingly.

"I know what you're doing," I told him.

"Good. Then you know that I'm serious, Ana. There will be no fucking. Of any kind. For either of us. Not until the doctor says so. After the doctor says OK, then we will make up for lost time."

"I know you're right, but I meant it when I said I was mentally ready," I told him. "I didn't expect I would be so soon after… you know. But I am."

Christian insisted, "You can't come yet, princess. You're still healing. You could slow down your recovery, and I want you to recover as quickly as possible. I can hardly wait to fuck you. But wait I will. I'm determined, Ana. Nothing you say or do will change my mind."

"I get it," I said. "But can we at least talk about fucking, even if you refuse to do it?"

"Of course we can talk about it," Christian replied. "There's nothing we can't talk about, babe."

"Yesterday, when I woke up, I realized that I actually felt ready. I was surprised, because I thought it would take longer, after what happened. And Christian... you're not going to believe this... but I want it... the way we do it. I am craving our kinky fuckery. I felt tempted to get myself off already, just thinking about it."

"You better not!" Christian warned.

"I know, I know," I assured him. "We may not have a contract any longer, but there are things we put in it that I'd never violate. I know how you feel about it. But... the point is, I want it. Already, after less than three weeks. I'm shocked at myself, but I can't help it. I want you, Christian. All of you. I want you to restrain me again. I want to sub for you again. I don't know when. Not right away, because I'm afraid. I... I trust you completely, so I think it will be OK. But I'm afraid it will be a trigger. I'm afraid I'll have a flashback. But I desire it. I desire you, not only as my lover, but as my Dom."

"Ana... I'm not even sure I am a Dom. I'm not sure I'm capable of doing that with you again."

"Why do you think that?" I asked him. "Of course you're a Dom, Christian. I don't understand why you're doubting it all of a sudden."

"Ana..." Christian began, but then stopped and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair before he continued. "My introduction to the lifestyle was... rather unorthodox."

"There's nothing orthodox about the lifestyle, Christian," I insisted.

"Maybe not," he conceded. "But... what happened to me... and what I learned... it was abuse, Ana. BDSM is supposed to be safe, sane, and consensual. It wasn't any of those things for me, not with Elena, and not afterwards either."

"Christian, that's bullshit. The second part of what you said, I mean. I agree that there was nothing safe, sane, or consensual about bringing a 15-year-old child into the lifestyle. But what you did with those women after Elena... that was consensual, and safe and sane."

"Was it sane, Ana? I was punishing my birth mother." Christian looked miserable.

"Does it matter why you were into sadism? Your subs were into it too, clearly. And besides... none of that really matters anymore, does it? Because when we did it... you've admitted it yourself... you were never punishing her with me."

"You're right, I wasn't," he agreed. "But Ana... after what that monster did to you...? Are you sure...?

"Christian, I want YOU, and you are no monster," I told him adamantly. "There is absolutely no comparison. I love you. I desire you. But I agree... I'm not ready for it... yet. I have no idea how I'm going to react at first. There are some things... we probably shouldn't even consider." I shuddered before I added, "Like the spanking bench."

He raised his head so he could see my face better. "Is that where he...?"

I nodded my head, blinking away tears. "You obviously didn't watch the video of it... or read any of the shit on the Internet about it. You'd already know that if you had."

"I promised you, Ana. And Taylor... protected me from the media. But... you weren't supposed to see any of that either, so how do you know?"

"I stupidly got on Twitter one day. It only took about five minutes. I haven't looked at any social media since then. Anyway, that's not the point. There are some things... we just don't need to do. Anything that will remind us," I told him.

"Like the Saint Andrews Cross," Christian said as he also shuddered.

I didn't say anything, but I just snuggled closer to him and closed my eyes for a few moments, just finding comfort in his presence.

"We don't need those things, princess," Christian assured me. "I don't know if I'm a Dom, but if you want to play, we can role play. When the time comes, we will figure it out. I can spank you just fine by laying you across my knee and using my hand. And if you want to be restrained... we can improvise."

"I like improvising," I said.

"Me too," Christian agreed. "So... family?

I smiled into his chest and answered, "Family. I want to marry you."

He chuckled. "Well, it's a good thing your dad gave me his blessing then," he replied.

"He did? Really?" I was shocked. I thought Ray hated Christian.

"Yep," Christian answered proudly. "Just a few days ago. It was my third lunch with him. I told you that the first two went well, but I didn't tell you how he grilled me, especially that first time. And he still gave me those looks he thought I didn't notice. But he was more relaxed by the second one. And when we went out for our third lunch, he finally said something he'd been wanting to say all along. Well... at least since he'd finally started trusting me. He said, 'Let me give you a piece of advice, son. If you want a girl's dad to like you, then you really ought to ask for her hand before you decide to up and marry her.'"

I was surprised, and I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped my lips. "Oh my God! Dad said that to you!?"

Christian sighed and said, "I really need to record you giggling, so I can listen to it when I'm stressed out at work. Yes, he said it, and I responded with a sincere apology... followed by a request for your hand."

"My God, that's so old fashioned. It never even occurred to me that he'd expect that."

"Yeah, well, maybe he wouldn't have if it hadn't been for all the shit he'd heard about me. He wanted to be sure I was good enough for you. I assured him that I wasn't good enough for you, but that nobody would ever love you more than I do."

I snuggled closer to him. "What did he say?" I asked.

"He said that was good enough for him," Christian replied. "He welcomed me to the family."

"That's good. So, I guess I don't need to worry about Ray refusing to walk me down the aisle." I felt more relieved about that than I let on.

"No need to worry," Christian assured me. "We're getting married, Anastasia."

"Good, because I REALLY want to marry you, Christian. And I want to have more children. I want to get my IUD removed right after we're married, and I want to start trying to have more kids right away. Christina will be two years old in April. That means if we get pregnant right away, she'll be close to three when the baby is born. That's good. I want her to have a little brother or sister close to her own age."

Christian kissed my head and stroked my back. "Yes," he said. "I want that too, princess. I want a whole houseful of children."

"Really?" I asked.

"Really," he answered. "Why does that surprise you?"

"Because... I just thought... you'd want to wait a few years. But I don't want to wait."

Christian was quiet for a moment. He seemed to be pondering. "Honestly, if it weren't for Christina, I'm not sure I'd be ready. But she's changed me. I love being a dad. I never thought I would. And now... I can hardly wait to see your belly grow with my child. I want that, Anastasia."

"But... a whole houseful? How many is that?"

"Oh, I don't know. Nine or ten?" his voice sounded serious. What the hell? I raised my head up so I could see his face, and he looked serious. But then, just as I was about to piss myself, he laughed and said, "Gotcha!"

Without thinking, I started tickling him. "You! You want me to give birth to nine or ten kids!"

Christian instantly grabbed my hands and held them over my head. His face looked shocked. "Holy shit!" he muttered.

It took me a moment to realize what was wrong. "I'm sorry," I apologized for touching him like that. "I forgot..."

"Don't apologize!" he insisted. "Ana... that was... wow!" He didn't release my hands but continued to stare into my eyes in shock.

"Are you OK?" I asked him.

"More than OK," he answered, and then he finally released my hands. "Sorry, I just... reacted. But Ana... that was the first time anyone's ever tickled me. I used to watch Elliot and Mia, when we were kids. And I was jealous, because it looked fun. But I... couldn't. But you... you fucking tickled me. And I liked it."

"So... you want me to do it again?" I asked tentatively.

He smiled but shook his head. "No fucking way. Not right now. I already have a hard-on the size of Alaska, and I've told you, I'm determined to wait until the doctor clears you. And Ana... that fucking turned me on. I almost came in my pants."

I giggled. "Really?"

"Really," he replied.

"Be serious for a minute," I said. "How many kids do you really want to have?"

He sighed contentedly. "I don't know. I don't care. As many as we can. How many do you want?" he asked.

"Two or three," I answered.

"Two or three sounds good," he responded. "You do mean in addition to Christina, right?"

"Right," I answered.

"Good," he said. "So... that's settled. We'll start trying to have babies as soon as we're married. So, let's get married soon, OK?"

"Yes, I want that too, but we've hardly had any time to plan a wedding."

"What's there to plan. Let's just do it. Hell, we could get married here in Hawaii. I can make all the arrangements, and we can do it before we leave for Fiji."

I considered that for a moment. "No way," I answered. "I'm not getting married until I can fuck you on our wedding night."

Christian laughed. "Did you really just say that? It sounds like something I would say."

I smiled at him, but I didn't reply. Instead, I said, "We'd agreed to four months, and that was about a month ago. So that leaves three months. We can plan a wedding in that amount of time."

"It's too long. I want to be married now," Christian pouted.

"But I want to have a wedding," I insisted. "Besides, three months will pass before you know it."

Christian sighed. "If you say so," he said.

I sighed. "I say so." I paused a minute or two before I continued with the next item on the list. "Christian, I want to merge with you."

"Anastasia, so help me God, if you keep trying to get me to fuck you, I'm going to start keeping count, and that's how many delayed orgasms you're going to get. You want a Dom, you'll get one, princess."

I giggled at him. "As much as I want to fuck, that wasn't what I was referring to. I meant I want our companies to merge. I want you to keep running Ismintis... and GEH."

"Ana... no," Christian replied firmly. "I told you when we agreed for me to do this for you that I have no intention of taking you over. I've done my best to make that clear to all your employees. Now, I can't just... take you over. Ismintis is your life, sweetheart. You've done an amazing thing with it. You are brilliant, and Ismintis is the product of your brilliance. I know it's going to take you some time to recover and come back, but I've got your back in the meantime."

"You're not hearing me," I told him. "I want us to merge. I don't mean I want you to take me over. I mean, I want our two companies to merge into one company. I want us to become Ismintis-Grey International."

Christian sat up and stared at me in shock. "You're serious. You want to change the name...? You want GEH to become Ismintis-Grey?"

I shook my head. "No... I want GEH and Ismintis International to become Ismintis-Grey International."

Christian continued to stare at me. "And... you want me to be CEO," he stated.

"Yes," I answered. "I want to take a more extended leave of absence. Have babies. And run our foundation."

"Our foundation?" he asked.

"The Christian and Anastasia Grey Foundation," I announced.

His eyes got just a bit wider, and then he grinned broadly. "Anastasia Grey?" he asked hopefully.

I nodded. "Mrs. Anastasia Grey," I confirmed.

He responded by kissing me passionately. "I just might fuck you for that," he whispered.

"Yes, please," I replied before I deepened the kiss.

Christian pulled away after a minute or two. "No," he insisted. "You have to heal first."

"I'm healing just fine," I insisted.

"Good," he responded. "Then you'll be good and ready as soon as your doctor says it's OK."

I sighed. "OK. So... what do you think... about merging our companies... if we can't merge our bodies... yet?"

Christian studied my face for a moment before asking, "Was it your idea of compromise? Changing your name... if I'd agree to change the name of the company to Ismintis-Grey?"

His question shouldn't have come as a surprise. "Not exactly," I answered honestly. "I didn't think about compromising, at least not about that. I just... wouldn't have a good reason for keeping my name if we merge our companies. As things are now, Anastasia Steele is a commodity. One that people immediately associate with Ismintis International, for good reason. But if we become Ismintis-Grey, then I won't need to be concerned. Both of us would be Ismintis, and both of us would be Grey." I shrugged my shoulders as if it were a no-brainer, but I knew damn well that things were not this simple. GEH had merged with dozens of companies in the past few years, and never had Christian even considered keeping the names of any of those companies. But I had followed suit, also merging with numerous companies but never changing the name of Ismintis International. The name of my company was just too important to me. It was a tribute to my grandmother, and I needed to keep it. I hoped Christian would agree, but I knew I was pushing him for something he would never have otherwise considered.

Christian studied my face as if I were a science experiment. He was quiet for so long that I began to get worried, especially as I could almost see the gears turning in his head. But finally he spoke. "Ok, let's do it," he said.

I was shocked. I expected a negotiation, not for him to agree with no discussion. I expected him to ask me why I insisted on keeping the name Ismintis, and I especially expected a negative reaction to the idea of putting the name Ismintis before the name Grey. I was certain that Christian would insist on Grey-Ismintis instead, but this wasn't what I wanted. "Just like that?" I asked. "Don't you want to..."

"No, princess, I don't need to discuss it. Just like that. Let's do it. Ismintis-Grey International. It makes sense. And Mrs. Grey... that makes even better sense."

"Christian, I told you... it wasn't a compromise. You don't have to agree to change the name of our company just to get me to change my name to Grey. I saw how hurt you were when I told you I wanted to keep my maiden name. It was only for professional reasons, so I'm trying to eliminate..."

"I get it, Anastasia," Christian interrupted. "And that's not why I'm agreeing. I'm agreeing because it's important to you... and to me too... to keep the name Ismintis. Wisdom. It's a good name, Anastasia. Ismintis-Grey has to be our new name. Anything else would communicate to the world that I took you over. Hell no. They already see you as a victim, and they see me as a monster, and if we were to merge and lose the name of your company, what would that communicate? You're my victim. Your entire company would be seen as the victim of big bad GEH, and with the timing of your attack and my seeming to come to your rescue by running Ismintis... I'd be labelled a villain, and it would take years to overcome the stigma. Hell, it's already going to take a long time to improve my name as it is, but... this will help. It will make a whole hell of a difference."

"Christian, don't you think you're taking that a bit too far?" I suggested.

"No, I don't," Christian insisted. "And neither do you. Be honest with yourself, Anastasia. Part of the reason you want Ismintis to come before Grey in our name is because you don't want the world to keep seeing you as a victim but as the world leader that you are. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get you back there, where you belong. This is a win-win for both of us.

"But... I'm not sure you heard me, Christian. I don't want to be in charge of Ismintis any longer. I want to take a leave of absence. A long one."

"Leave of absence, not resignation," Christian pointed out my choice of words.

"Right," I agreed. "You're right. I'm not ready to completely resign. I... don't think that would communicate... what I need to communicate."

"I know," Christian said. "You're not a quitter. And you're not a victim either. You're a badass, just like Luke Sawyer said."

"But... I still want you to be in charge," I insisted.

"Ana... the ONLY way I'll agree to this merger is if you agree to be the co-CEO. You can take your leave. Take as long as you want. But eventually, you're going to want to come back. And I'm going to want you to." Christian was adamant, but he didn't understand.

"I'm not so sure about that, Christian," I told him. "I really want to run our foundation. I've made enough money. I'm a very wealthy woman, and I want to use my wealth to make the world a better place."

"Don't you mean that WE are very wealthy, and WE want to use OUR wealth to make the world a better place," Christian corrected.

"Do I mean that?" I asked him honestly. "Is that what you want, too?"

"Absofuckinglutely," he answered without hesitation. "We are mega wealthy. We are the next Bill and Melinda Gates. I want to change the world, Anastasia. I want to eliminate world hunger. I want to... help boys like me."

I smiled at him hopefully. "So... you're totally on board with the Christian and Anastasia Grey Foundation?"

"Totally on board, princess," he assured me. "In fact... I insist on helping you run it. I want us to be partners in everything, Anastasia."

I nodded tearfully. "I'd like that," I responded.

"Good," he said as he lay back down in the hammock and pulled me closer. "Now... I have something to discuss with you too. I've just learned something... life altering. I have a grandmother. My maternal grandmother is still alive, Ana. And when I was little, after my birth mother died, my grandmother killed the pimp. She's in prison now for killing my tormenter, Anastasia. And I want to go visit her."