Chapter 46: All Cards on the Table

Lily Potter stood trembling in the Headmaster of Hogwart's office. She could feel Dumbledore's eyes on her, the curiosity and amazement in them, but she paid it little heed. She could understand how incredulous he was that she could so suddenly, so abruptly awaken from amnesiac effects from a Cruciatus Curse that had apparently been leveled on her more than a decade before. How much of that same intervening decade-plus was nearly a blank in her memory, a hazy…. well, haze.

Except for… except for…. Severus. Her former school chum who apparently had somehow (she didn't know for how long and was at this point still too afraid to ask) ended up naked in her bed with her. They had sex. They'd had to have. No two people leapt into bed together right starkers with the intention of merely sleeping. No, they had slept together, in the dirtiest sense of the term.

Lily shook her head. She couldn't focus on that right now. At the moment, she had to mentally prepare herself for seeing her only child, her baby – who, if Severus was to be believed, was a baby no longer, indeed nearly a man. Dumbledore had arranged for Minerva McGonagall to bring the boy to his quarters at once, to see his mother. According to the Headmaster, she had apparently seen the lad once before already, when he had brought to St. Mungo's about a year ago. She dearly wished she could remember the details, but unfortunately, it was mostly a blur!

The door banged open and Lily straightened, heart in her mouth, only for her mouth to collapse into a thin, leery line. Severus Snape stumbled in, looking disheveled. His eyes found hers immediately, pleading, beseeching. More than this, scared. She pursed her lips further. Good. He should be right scared. She watched Severus's gaze shift to the Headmaster, and she almost turned around, just to see what kind of expression Dumbledore was leveling at Severus. She hoped it was one of disapproval; she had told the Headmaster of all that she had seen since 'waking up' (that seemed to be the most appropriate way to describe how she had suddenly rejoined the world). If Severus were lucky, he would be merely relieved of his Hogwarts post on the spot. If not sent to Azkaban.

…. No. She didn't want Severus sent to Azkaban. That measure seemed a little extreme, even if the facts were murky about how they had ended up in bed together. Had he Imperiused her into spreading her legs for him? Had he simply held her down and raped her night after night? No matter what history had passed between them, especially in their childhood, Lily didn't want to think her former childhood friend capable of such brutality. Hopefully, there was an explanation for why the man had been shagging her. Or…. she shagging him….. oh, sod it, she had her memory back, and yet she still didn't seem to know what was what anymore!

Clearly sensing the animosity towards him that was present in this room, Severus bowed his head and slinked off to the side of the chambers. Lily returned her focus to the door he had just come through, willing another to appear and yet not wanting that moment to ever come at the same time.

Please like me…. Please, please like me….

The door handle turned. The door opened ajar just a crack. Through the space, she thought she heard low murmurings with the hint of a Gaelic brogue: Minerva, likely. Then….

He came in through the door.

Lily had to suck in a breath of total amazement, and her hazel eyes immediately welled up. At first, her brain told her that it was James she was seeing coming towards her, that Severus must have lied about him being dead, about it no longer being 1981.

The eyes – her own hazel eyes, now staring back at her – were all that managed to convince her that this tall, spindly man standing before her wasn't her husband. But rather, her son. Her son who was nonetheless still an almost exact replica of his father. It was more than she could have ever hoped for him.

For a moment, Lily remained frozen, speechless. She drifted a few steps towards Harry, as if in a trance, reaching out a trembling hand to touch his face.

The silence must have been maddening, even for a mild-mannered man like Dumbledore, for the Headmaster suddenly spoke up with a hint of baffled frustration, "Hang it all, Lillian, my good woman, at least speak to the boy! Why are you looking at him like that?"

Lily swallowed through a pronounced lump in her throat. "Like what? I'm…. not looking at him any special way. I'm just looking at him like I always would…. since the day he came home from the hospital…. Six pounds, nine inches…. 21 inches long!..." The tears were throttling her voice into a squeak and she finally burst into tears. "Ohhhhhhhhhh… he's so beautiful….. and so big! …." She yanked him close into a crushing hug, and now Harry began to shake with sobs too. It disturbed Lily that the boy nearly now outdrew in height. How much she had missed! He had grown up in what seemed like literally a blink of an eye, and she hadn't been there for any of it!

Mother and son drew apart, Harry's chuckles tear-choked. "I think you might have meant handsome, Mother…. A bloke could get all the girls jealous of him, being called beautiful."

Lily laughed shakily before embracing her son again. Finally releasing him, she wiped at her eyes, blinking back the tears to see that Severus had drawn closer, clearly studying her with her son in fascination. She willed her body not to stiffen, and she actually found it within herself to bravely face him.

"Can… can we talk?" Now, she finally was unable to hold his gaze, casting her eyes down to her feet and trying to tell herself it wasn't shyness. In her periphery, she could see Harry glancing between her and Severus, trying to figure something out.

"Lillian, I don't think it would be wise…." Dumbledore started to say.

"It's all right, Albus. Severus and I have much to discuss and we can do so like adults, can't we?" She was secretly amused at how Severus's throat wobbled nervously, even as he nodded.

"You two know each other?" Harry pointed between his mum and Snape, looking surprised and even a little displeased. From the way he was observing Severus, Lily had to wonder if there was any love lost between her son and her former childhood friend. She dearly hoped, for Severus's sake, that wasn't the case. If she learned he had mistreated her boy….

Severus gestured for the door and she prissily flounced past him. She didn't toss her head back to see if he would follow her.

By unspoken agreement, they went down into the dungeons. When Severus unlocked the door to his office, Lily almost insisted they conduct their conversation out here, then thought better of it. Privacy would have to be called for in this discussion, discretion even more so. All the same, she very deliberately pulled out her wand and kept it in full view.

Closing the door behind her, she rounded on Severus, her wand pointed at him, where he could see it. Her free hand rested on her hip.

"So….." she drew out slowly, trying not to let rage overtake her completely just yet. "I think it's best for both of us if we don't lie to each other, wouldn't you agree, Sev?"

Severus nodded, his dark eyes expanding as he heard her utter the pet name she had once had for him. "I quite agree." There was a slight, awkward pause. "Would you care to…?"

"I'm asking the questions now!" she cut across him abruptly, and Severus snapped his jaw closed. Lily eyed him hard over the business end of her wand. "Why were you in my bed at St. Mungo's?"

"Because you invited me into it."

She almost laughed derisively at his gall. Did he take her for a fool? "Don't be cute with your cheek, Severus; I'm in no mood for it!"

"Clearly," he drawled, eyeing her wand's tip leerily. "You always were a phenomenal hexer."

She couldn't help it. She smirked at this, though it was gone in the next second. "How did you…. seduce me into sweeping me into bed with you?"

He flushed. "Well, it wasn't out of anything I did."

"Bull," she snorted. "What did you use? Imperius? A love potion? Or did you just hold me down and…."

"Lillian!" he gawped, gasping in dramatic horror and she wondered just how much of it, if any of it, was fake. "Upon my word as a wizard, I never did any of those things, nor would I! The very thought!"

She frowned at him bitterly. "Would you blame me that I don't believe you?"

Severus's entire expression fell, looking almost defeated. "You remember it again, then, don't you? That day by the lake."

She nodded, lips pursed awkwardly.

"You never gave any indication when you were…. were sick that you did. Otherwise, you likely would have thrown me out whenever I visited you."

Lily considered this, took this in, with interest, and she lowered her wand by just a fraction. "What happened between us, Severus?"

She didn't care how loaded and layered the question was, so she was glad that Severus started with the most pressing matter at hand. "Nothing, at first. For years and years, I've come to visit you, sit by your bedside. I'd bring pictures of Harry for you to keep…"

She sucked in a breath of astonishment. "So that's why I found all those Polaroids in my drawer! …."

"Please, dear, don't interrupt." She frowned hard at Severus's polite talking over her, taking offense to one specific word.

"I'm not your dear."

He didn't respond to this. "I would work with you on reading, trying to build back your memory. Eventually, your short-term developed enough that you at least remembered who I was from night to night. In the early days, I would always have to remind you that I was a…. a friend…"

She held in a snort at this. Severus sensed it anyway. He looked ashamed.

"I was afraid if I divulged any more details, that you might remember how horrid I treated you, saying that unspeakable word! I wish I'd never said it!"

Lily curled into herself a little, green eyes averting from his dark ones, lashes fluttering.

"But you did," she whispered.

Severus sighed. "I know. I can't change it. Will you permit me to at least regret it?" She lifted her head to peer at him, at how truly broken he appeared, and she finally nodded, granting a small modicum of mercy.

"But then…. how did we…?" she flushed crimson, in spite of herself, pointing lamely between herself and him.

"Recently…" Severus started in, and she didn't know whether to feel heartened at how he was wincing too. "… I was taking my leave, and wishing you goodnight, as usual. You asked to kiss me goodnight, and before I could answer, stunned as I was, you did."

Lily's green eyes bulged. She wouldn't have imagined herself to have almost no inhibitions to do such a thing with any man, unless of course it was James and unless she was very, very drunk. "Did….?" she gulped. "Did you kiss me back?"

Severus turned his face away, not looking at her. His silence was enough of an answer.

"Before I knew it, you were pulling me on top of you and spreading your legs for me. That was when…. I lost all control. I tried to dissuade you, but you said you didn't care, and we…. we shagged." Severus took in a deep breath. "The next day, I assumed that you might not remember what had happened the night before, but then you asked me about it. Like you didn't know exactly what… making love was, or at least what to call it. Then you asked me to fuck you again and invited me into your bed."

Lily regarded him, stunned. "And when was this?" When Severus didn't answer for a moment, she raised her wand. "Severus Snape, how…. how long were…. were we…. sleeping together?"

He finally met her eyes. "We've been shagging every night for the past three weeks now. It was almost like a ritual until we were saying hello by simply shagging."

Lily blanched. Oh, Merlin…. Severus read her fear like an open book.

"We've been careful. Used protection." He now fished out of his robes a box of condoms, the seal unbroken, clearly used. Lily stared at it in amazement. "Contraception Charm, always. You can check the Trace on my wand if you don't believe me…"

"I wish I could say I did, so forgive me when I say I don't," Lily replied, voice cool.

"So go ahead – jam Veritaserum down my throat! Or cast Leglimens! I'm telling you the truth."

"You ran around with Death Eaters, Sev – how do I know you're not lying when you claim you didn't take advantage of me? I was Cursed and without my memory! In a way, it could be argued you still did take advantage of me!"

Severus gulped. "You don't think I've wondered about that? Every night when you would bring me into your bed, I would ask you if this was all right. You always said Yes. I always took that to be consent. Given your fragile state…. maybe I shouldn't have."

Lily was quiet for a long time. As she thought about it, bits and pieces were coming back of her time in St. Mungo's, the most recent flashes of imagery clearly depicting her and Severus having sex. And what's more, depictions of her clearly enjoying the lovemaking. Just because her memory had been wiped away didn't mean her libido had too. A woman, even a mad one, still had needs, after all.

She blushed. "You say you visited me? For years?"

Severus nodded earnestly.

"And you looked after my son?"

Another nod. Lily peered at him, softening.

"Why?" Too pregnant a silence, which she broke early by daring to ask him directly, straight out. "Do…. do you love me or something?"

Severus gawped at her, and she wasn't sure what was meant behind his expression. "Lillian…."

And then he was suddenly on her, hands bracing her face as he kissed her furiously on the mouth.

Lily let out a squeak of surprise, squirming a little in his arms. But then, as Severus's lips continued to move unyieldingly against hers, she found her muscles relaxing as she started to sink into the kiss a little. Snog him back, the way she had apparently had these last few weeks….

She remembered herself. She wriggled free, spluttering. Before she could stop herself, she had slapped him across the face. Severus staggered back, horror and regret flashing in his eyes. He clearly seemed to realize he had just negated all the testimony he had just given.

Lily shrank back, both hands to her mouth in shock, a little horrified with herself, even if the kiss hadn't been entirely wanted. "I…. I have to go," she stuttered and she turned and fled out of his office, up the dungeon steps. She could feel Severus's heartbroken gaze staring wistfully and crestfallenly after her retreating back.