CHAPTER 41.5

To: My dearest otouto

Do you remember the day where you fell in the ice-skating rink for the first time? I am, admittedly, mildly delirious from the drugs that the nurses are pumping into my system right now, but that is one day I still remember vividly.

I dragged my crying little brother out of the rink and bought him a cup of hot chocolate with my own pocket money, because he had a sweet tooth back then. Later on I found out that he had bruised from the bad fall, and I could not help but feel that it was my fault because I got complacent and let go of his hand. That was the day I decided that protecting you was to be one of my life's greatest purposes. There was no profound epiphany of sorts that led me to this sentiment, but in retrospect I might have simply seen it as a means of creating meaning out of my otherwise meaningless existence.

I told myself that I would do anything within my power to protect you. You were born into a world that expected everything of you, and a family that expected nothing. For a long time I blamed myself for your suffering, and yet all I could do was stand by helplessly and watch you slowly spiral into madness.

I dragged you by the collar from Naruto's house that day to come and stay with me because I regretted my incapability of bringing you back home to our family. Father never hated you; he was simply dismal when it came to expressing his concern. He knew that I was still in contact with you, and ever so often he would ask me how you were doing. Till this day I believe that he wanted you to come home, but he did not know how to apologise to you so he never reached out.

People are not perfect, Sasuke. Your father was not; and neither am I. Some people stray off the righteous path because they are products of their circumstances, but some others choose to do so despite their circumstances. You were the former; I was the latter. And in writing this letter to you I seek to confess the greatest sin that I have committed in this life.

After the day you left home, I entered a manic episode of sorts and began to find ways to figure out the truth behind the allegations that Father had made against you. It did not take me long to realise that you were, in fact, involved in dubious social circles, and had consumed various types of drugs despite their illegality, and despite not having hit the age of majority to be able to make informed decisions on the consumption of such substances. To say that I was worried for you would be a grave understatement. I thought I was going to lose my otouto in some way.

So I went behind Father and Mother's back to speak to Obito, whom I knew had ties to the Akatsuki. I am not sure if you are aware of this nugget of information, but if you had not been before reading this letter, then now I am – perhaps – cursing you with the knowledge that our family has historically had ties with the Akatsuki, starting with our ancestor Madara. The rumours state that Madara was actually the founder of the Akatsuki, but we may never know the truth. To my knowledge, Obito followed in his footsteps and kept his ties to the rest of the group. However, he still remains too elusive for me to properly decipher his motivations.

I met a few of the Akatsuki members personally, whom I shall not name. One thing led to another, and I somehow ended up embroiled in their wayward shenanigans. I did some bad things too, Sasuke, perhaps worse things than you have done. But I did it because they promised to protect you from the police or any other gangs if you ever found yourself in trouble. I like to believe that is how you never got caught for those illegal activities all those years.

Yet, perhaps that was also how Father and Mother ended up dead. I believe it was no accident. I grew sick of the political warfare within the Akatsuki, and their mindlessly hedonistic activities in the pursuit of some abstract meaning to life. I, too, shared the same vision at first; but in joining them, I only grew emptier inside. I came to the realisation that I wanted very simple things: I wanted to receive less attention, and I wanted you to be loved.

And in choosing to love you, I left the Akatsuki with the determination to find you and fix you with my own two hands. But I believe my choice had come at a great cost, and that is our family. It is trite knowledge that the Akatsuki never takes betrayal lightly. And the only reason I was left alive was because one of the people I was close to inside fought to protect me from the rest. So I ended up trading our parents' lives for yours and mine.

It is rather cathartic, in my opinion, to know that the heavens are coming to take me away soon. I am a blight on the Uchiha family, and the sole cause of its downfall. And I am most sorry that in making the decisions that I did, I only ended up causing you more hurt. It was never my intention to burden you with unnecessary grief and turmoil, but it seemed that I ultimately failed in my paramount duty to protect you from the tragedies of life.

I am deeply, deeply sorry, Sasuke.

You don't have to forgive me for what I have done, and for what I have taken away from you. But I hope that in reading this letter you finally realise that I was never truly the better of the two of us.

My last wish is for you to live on and pursue whatever makes you happy, free from any encumbrances. I have held you back for far too long, and so have Father and Mother. I never did succeed in finding something meaningful to hold on to in this life, but perhaps I will in the next one. On the other hand, I hope you will spend the rest of your years discovering joys that I have never had the privilege of experiencing. I will watch over you from wherever I am, be it heaven or hell.

Thank you for being my otouto – you have made me very proud over the years. And I hope you know by now that there is nothing you can possibly do which will stop me from loving you.

Sincerely,

Itachi