I had good reason to be scared. Edward decided he needed to stick a giant needle in my back to drain fluid, which helped but was not something I ever want to go through again. Thankfully, he called Emmett up to be with me, and my brother offered the comfort he couldn't. Of course, things couldn't have stayed better.

During day six in the hospital, my heart decides to do that thing again, which sends the ICD into a fit, and I feel like I get kicked in the chest twice.

"God!" I cry out as the monitor beside me starts to beat normally again.

Emmett's on me in an instant. "Just breathe," he chants. "It's okay. You're okay. That's what it's supposed to do."

"I paged Dr. Masen," Rosalie says, rushing into the room. "Bella, how are you feeling?" She puts her stethoscope to my chest, listening to my heart before flinging it back around her neck.

"F-Fucking hurt," I mumble, still reeling from the shock. Tears roll down my cheeks as Emmett takes me into his arms, holding me and rocking me slowly.

"I know, kiddo." He sighs, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "Let it out. I've got you."

I do just that, letting the last few days of pain and misery catch up to me and just cry. I can barely friggin' breathe, but I can't stop myself. I'm so tired of all of this. I just want to be healthy again, and I'm not even close.

"Why?" I ask for the first time. "Why me, Em?"

He pulls back, shaking his head. "I don't know. It's not fair."

"It's not!" I cry. "I did everything right. I barely drank. I've smoked pot all of once in my life. Never even got close to touching anything harder. This is fucking bullshit. I don't want to die. I'm twenty-three."

"I know, Bells. I know. We're going to get through this though. I'm not losing you too. I won't."

Tears fill his own eyes, and I realize it's not only unfair to me. He lost his parents too, and now … There's just no telling if I'm even going to make it to getting a heart. He could lose everyone, and that's one of the most fucked up parts to this. He doesn't deserve that.

Edward comes in as I'm crying, rushing over to my side in an instant as Rosalie relays everything to him. He orders an echo and EKG, wanting to check on my heart.

"I have some good news at least," he says. "Your last X-ray shows remarkable improvement. We're finally beating the pneumonia."

"But I'm guessing you're not letting me go home yet."

He shakes his head. "Well, you're not better completely, to be fair. Once I figure out how your heart is doing, we'll start to discuss it, okay?"

I wish he said yes, but I nod, knowing he only wants what's best for me. It's not long before someone comes in to do the EKG, and then I'm taken down for the echo. By the time I get back to my room, Edward is looking at the echo images with Emmett and both look utterly serious, so I brace myself for the bad news.

"Your ejection fraction has fallen," Edward says. "It wasn't from the atrial fibrillation episode but possibly caused it. We'll change your meds again, and I'll want to see you in Seattle with the team once you're released from here. It probably will move you up the donor list at least."

"I'm getting worse fast," I say, feeling completely dejected. "If there's no heart for me, how much longer do I even have?"

He shakes his head and takes my hand, squeezing gently. "There's no way to know for sure. You're going to get your heart, Bella. I won't stop fighting for you to get to the top of the list. This is part of the getting worse before better we discussed."

"You can't think negatively," Emmett says.

"Well, thinking positively doesn't seem to help much."

"It helps a lot. Look at me, please." I do as he asks and want to cry as I take in his sorrowful expression. "Your mental health is just as important as physical health. If you start going down that road, if you give up, then you're only going to get worse faster. You can't give up on me now, sweetheart. I need you to fight. You can cry. You can yell, but don't give up."

I wipe my tears and know he's right. I could fall into a pit of despair and self pity, but it won't change anything. It'll only hurt those I love.

And I love him.

Thanks to May, Nole, Fran, Brier, and Meg for prereading and Sally for Beta'ing.