Spike sat in the darkness of his crypt as he waited for the sun to go down. He'd be able to leave soon and go to the Scooby meeting. He wasn't crashing it with the intention of murdering them all. Those days were long gone. Now he was sodding part of the group. He sat with the warm mug of blood in his hands in silence. He had bigger things to worry about other than the fact he'd donned the white hat. He was in love with her. And how he hadn't figured that out before now, he had no bloody idea. But it had dawned on him the night before as he stood stupidly at the bottom of those porch steps. After she'd told him he was a good man. As he stood there and could faintly hear her and Buffy make up, with Buffy telling her while she didn't condone murder, she understood why she didn't feel bad. Spike knew Kat well enough though, to know the girl would still silently worry her cousin secretly hated her. Just another insecurity to add to her list that she tried to ignore.
He wasn't quite sure just when it had started. If it was when they'd started getting on more and she'd allowed him to see sides of her he hadn't previously been privy to. Or maybe there'd always been something there. He'd had plenty of chances to kill her yet always let her get away. Told himself he was toying with her because it was more fun, but he wasn't Angelus. He didn't toy with his prey. Wasn't his style. Yet he'd kept her alive anyway. He couldn't believe how stupid he was. Of course he'd fall for the Slayer's cousin. The one who'd only just become friends with him. It wasn't like anything would ever happen, she didn't like him that way. He was firmly friend-zoned and he was lucky to even have that from her with all he'd done in the past. But now he realized he had feelings for her, he couldn't bloody ignore it. Wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to look her in the eye now without having the urge to drop to his knees and confess his undying love for her like the sap he was. He hated it. He hated being reminded that deep down he was still the same lovestruck fool, William Pratt. Always love's bitch.
So he brooded as he sat alone in the dark and sipped on his blood, seemingly turning into that ponce, Angel. What else could he do? Tell her how he felt and feel that sting of rejection again? No thank you. He'd had enough of that in his lifetime, he wasn't about to open up himself to more of that pain. But he knew he wouldn't be able to ignore it either. He wished he could take a leaf from Kat's book. Stuff his feelings down and pretend they don't exist. But that wasn't him. He was pissed off and his anger started to get directed at her. This was all her fault. Being so sodding beautiful and radiant. For being so sweet and kind yet a spit fire if the need arose. She took no shit yet held the ones she cared for in high regard. She was perfect. But she'd never be his and he hated her for it.
By the time the sun had gone down, he was in a foul mood. It was easier for his anger to be focused on Kat and blame her than admit he'd always been a soft sod, even when he was evil. He set off out to the Magic Box as he stewed in his own thoughts. Being part of the group had been a way to pass the time at first, but after realizing the only things he could hurt were demons, he enjoyed it more. He loved the violence, itched for it. He didn't know what he'd have done if he couldn't punch at least something. But then he and Kat started spending more time together. He enjoyed hearing her stories or how her eyes would light up as she laughed melodically. Or how her cheeks would flush when he pushed her buttons. He'd started to look forward to patrols and the meetings just to get more time with her. It gave him a sense of purpose. Ever since he'd been chipped he'd felt lost and confused but she'd given him something to cling to. And of course, he had to ruin it by getting attached to her.
If he'd never been chipped, he'd be out snacking on humans and having a jolly good time. He'd be at his peak, his former glory and not this housebroken animal. If he'd never have been chipped he'd never have had the chance to get to really know Kat and he wouldn't have grown feelings for her or he'd never be aware of them. He was still unsure when they began. If he didn't have this sodding chip in his head he'd be free of all this nonsense. He would miss her though. No. Damn it all to hell, that was the problem. He wouldn't have to deal with these pesky feelings if he hadn't been neutered. It was inhumane. Bloody barbaric to defang a vampire like this. He was making his way through a dark alley near the shop when a figure stepped out of the shadows and into his way. Spike heaved a sigh as he stopped in front of him and glared.
"Spike, I've been looking for you," the man spoke, giving Spike a harsh look.
"Bob," Spike muttered, sounding bored.
"It's Bill. And I'm here to collect my debt. The $200 you owe me?" He asked condescendingly as he tilted his head. Well bugger. It wasn't like he had the cash on him right now, was it? If he had the bloody money he wouldn't have 'borrowed' it in the first place.
"What the soddin' hell are you on about? I already paid my debt. Your friend came lookin' for me and I gave it him," Spike huffed indignantly. Bill narrowed his eyes distrustfully at him.
"What friend?" He asked slowly.
"Well, I didn't get his bloody name, did I? A green fellow, slimey," Spike shrugged as he raised his brows. Bill seemed in thought for a moment.
"Yarld took the money?" He asked sounding confused after a moment.
"Yeah, he did. And I don't appreciate bein' harassed when I'm out for a stroll about a debt I already paid. I'm a man of my word, I am. I pay my debts. I'm offended," Spike muttered as he shook his head, a disappointed sigh leaving his lips.
"Hey man, sorry. It's fine. I didn't know he collected it. It's all good. I'll go find him and get it," Bill said quickly as he turned on his heel.
"Good luck with that," Spike called out after him. Bill stopped and turned to look at him.
"What do you mean?" He asked suspiciously.
"Well… if he didn't tell you he's got the money, do you really think he had any intention of givin' it back?" Spike asked with a patronizing smile. Bill frowned, standing up straighter.
"Son of a… you're right. I'll deal with him," Bill said tensely before walking out of the alley. Well, now that's dealt with.
Spike picked up, back on his way to the shop. When he got there and pushed open the door, he realized not everyone was ready. In fact, the only people there were Giles on the phone and Willow reading in the corner. A quick glance at the clock told him he was early. Well, that was fantastic. He didn't even want to be here with the new knowledge he was armed with and now he was bloody early.
"Kat's in the back taking inventory," Willow said softly with a smile as he got further into the shop. His back stiffened at the mention of her name, like the witch knew how he felt. Like the first thing he'd do when he got here was to seek her out.
He pointedly ignored her and made his way over to a chair as he wondered why he'd even bothered to show up at all. Maybe 'cause he knew Kat would go looking for him. He'd only been sitting there for a few minutes when Willow came sauntering over and held out a bag of herbs.
"Could you take this back to Kat, please? I'd do it but I'm swamped with the spells and stuff," she asked sheepishly. Spike narrowed his blue hues distrustfully at her. He wasn't sure if she was being honest or maybe she thought he needed a reason to go and see Kat. Like he was too much of a coward to just go into the back and say hello. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it though and endure a million questions from the girl so he snatched the herbs with a deep sigh.
"Sure thing, Red," he muttered, standing up and making his way to the back.
As he descended the stairs to the basement, he heard Kat humming to herself. She had quite a nice voice, though she rarely sang in front of others. He'd only caught snippets here and there but she had a lovely voice. He scowled at his own thoughts as he continued to stomp down the stairs. Kat was standing in front of a large shelf full of jars, scribbling down on a pad in her hands. She turned to look at him, despite the fact he'd been silent. She had a habit of that. Just knowing when he was there. He had no idea how or why but now it just irked him. What irked him more though was her radiant smile as she lit up seeing him. Like she was happy he was there.
"Here, Red told me to give this to you," he said briskly, handing out the bag of herbs. Kat looked at him with a furrowed brow at his tone but plucked the bag from his hand.
"Uh… thanks," she murmured, looking at him like he was a puzzle she needed to solve.
"Next time just come and get it your bloody self. I don't appreciate playin' errand boy," he bit out, causing her brows to lift.
"Wow. Okay. Someone got out of the bed on the wrong side this morning," she huffed, putting the bag where it belonged.
"Yeah, the wrong side, sure," he snarked before turning on his heel and making his way to the stairs. It was a bad idea coming in here. She seemed to get more and more beautiful each time he saw her. He loathed her for it.
"So, are you gonna tell me what's eating at you or be an asshole all night?" She asked, a bite to her tone. He whipped around to face her and took note of her unimpressed face.
"Nothin's eatin' at me, and even if there was I wouldn't go to you about it," he laughed mirthlessly. She recoiled as if he'd physically stuck her, hurt coloring her face. He felt a pang in his chest he tried to will away, clutching at his anger instead because it was better this way. He didn't need this, need her. He didn't need the impending rejection if he told her how he felt.
"I'm not here to sing kumbaya around the fire, Kat. I'm here for the meetin'. So how's about we save the farce that is our friendship and just get on with it?" He asked coldly. Her ocean-blue eyes narrowed to slits before she shook her head, ignoring him as she turned back to the shelves. He wasn't sure why it pissed him off so much.
He trudged back up the stairs as the war raged on inside of him. The guilt of treating her this way and hurting her swallowing him whole, while the other part of him wanted to push her as far away as possible. It was fifteen minutes later that the meeting was in full swing. It was all the same old bull crap. They weren't making much headway in the Glory situation and the witches seemed no closer to making a decent protection spell for the Bit. It all felt stale and he didn't like it. He wished he could just go out there and use his fists to get answers but he couldn't. Glory was far too clever and powerful and like nothing they'd faced yet.
"I found this old book with the others downstairs. I flicked through it and saw a few protection spells, strong ones. I don't know if it's any good but I figured it was worth a look," Kat said as she dropped a large leather-bound book onto the table with a thud.
"Sure. The witches and Rupes there haven't found anythin' yet, but I'm sure you found all the answers," Spike snarked, unable to help it. Kat scoffed as her glare burnt into him like the sun.
"Is it that hard to believe I might have found something useful?" She asked incredulously.
"Given your general inability to be useful, I'd say yeah," he smirked coldly.
"That's enough! Kat, we need anything we can get right now, this is a good find," Buffy said, giving her cousin a sympathetic smile as Kat nodded tensely.
The rest of the meeting went much of the same. Any time Kat spoke, Spike would come back with something witty or insulting to say. It wasn't like the old days though and she didn't fire back at him. She just kept that glare on her face and it only annoyed him more. He wanted her to go back to the annoying girl who bit his head off. It was a lot easier being mad at someone when they were insulting you than if they just sat there and took it. When the meeting ended, he'd learnt a whole load of diddly squat and he decided to go back home and try his damndest to get drunk. He couldn't take this being ripped in two. He was about to leave when he felt a firm grip on his arm and he turned to come face to face with Kat. Her face was impassive but he could see the hurt and confusion behind her eyes and he steeled himself so he didn't gather her in his arms and tell her he was sorry. His glare at her had her retracting her hand and she pursed her lips.
"I don't know what's going on with you, but you know you can tell me stuff. I thought you felt comfortable enough to do that but clearly not. So just… whenever this passes and you stop being such an asshole, I'll be here," she murmured. If he wasn't chipped he might have gone for her jugular. Her soft and sweet understanding words only served to anger him more and leave him more confused than before. He didn't deserve her, he never would. He didn't deserve to even look at her.
"All I want is for you to leave me the bloody hell alone," he growled, watching as disappointment crossed her face. It hurt more than if she was angry with him. He hurriedly left the store before he couldn't control himself any longer and ended up begging for her forgiveness. Who the hell did she think she was? Coming into his life and turning him all upside down. Making him feel things more than he'd ever felt before. She had no bloody right to make him feel this way. He needed her as far away from him as possible. That would cure it.