Where Harry tries to find happy memories.

HARRY XXI

"When are the Quidditch practices supposed to resume?" Ron asked, as he engulfed his third sandwich.

"First week of February, most likely," Harry replied. "Though I wouldn't be surprised if Wood makes us train sooner." For once, Harry may not complain if that was the case. He was eager to try his new Firebolt, and Ron looked as excited as he was. Harry promised he would allow Ron to try it.

"Don't forget we still have to prepare Buckbeak's defense," Hermione remarked.

She was right. They still had work to do on that score. For now, they somehow compiled a list of hippogriff cases they could use as references, and prepared a list of arguments that Hagrid could use in front of the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. They were far from done though. They had not gone through all the cases, and were still looking for extenuating circumstances, and developed arguments that Malfoy actually taunted Buckbeak with the knowledge that the beast would attack him.

Ron and Hermione talked about Buckbeak, but Harry found his focus shifting off the conversation. He looked at Malfoy, whose arm had recovered so well that he caught the Golden Snitch two weeks after Harry fell from his broomstick. Not that Malfoy deserved this victory. Harry's gaze wandered to the Ravenclaw table, but he didn't find Cho. She was badly injured during her game against Slytherin, and by Malfoy's fault. In addition to Buckbeak, that gave Harry another very good reason to defeat Malfoy at all costs when they would play against each other in May. However, for now, he had to focus on facing Ravenclaw.

Continuing to search the Ravenclaw table, Harry's eyes finally fell on a familiar figure, with long black hair, dark eyes, and tanned skin. For a moment, he wondered why she was sitting there, before he remembered that Parvati had a twin sister who was sorted into Ravenclaw in their first year. Harry looked farther at the Gryffindor table, and saw Parvati sitting with Lavender, like most of the time. She seemed more jovial today. Perhaps Professor Trelawney didn't tell her she would die soon this week. Harry felt pity for Parvati. After all, who would like to be told again and again that he or she was going to die, but at the same time, he understood Hermione's exasperation when she said Parvati should just stop to listen to Trelawney. And he agreed with Hermione that Lavender was not helping, since Parvati's best friend took everything Professor Trelawney said for the truth.

Harry remembered that Lavender was the first to be sorted into Gryffindor in their first year. That was no great feat, since she only owed it to her family name beginning by a "B". Harry never got really close to her, and neither to Parvati, despite the fact that the latter lived in the same tower in London where Harry lived with his mother. He didn't hate them, far from it, but they could get on his nerves by moments. They had a habit of gossiping and inventing theories and stories on the others that were outright unrealistic, and also to laugh about situations that were not funny at all.

When he thought about it, and while looking at Lavender discussing with Sophie Roper and Lily Moon, Harry thought that perhaps he ought not to consider Parvati and Lavender as silly. After all, he spent a part of his own summer doing his homework with one of the most gossipy and chatty girls of Hogwarts. His gaze moved to the Hufflepuff table, where he quickly found Hannah Abbott. He considered her a friend in some way, though definitely not as close a friend as Ron and Hermione were. Perhaps it was just because Harry had gotten used to Hannah's monologues, because that was what her gossips were most of the time: monologues. At least, that was the impression Harry had. Hannah could talk in length about some random innocent subject for hours, and she could be naive at times. She thought that Peter Pettigrew could turn into a plant at one moment. Still, Harry thought she was more careful about what she said in the presence of others. She had stopped, for example, making references about Harry and Hermione when they were around, and Harry was more than grateful for it. Perhaps it was also because, during summer, Harry had developed an ability to listen to Hannah's speeches with one ear while being able to focus on something else. It was Susan who showed him how to do that, after the redheaded girl shot him a few apologizing gazes as Hannah was blabbering while they tried to finish their homework.

Next to Susan, Justin Finch-Fletchley was sitting. He was talking with Ernie Macmillan. Harry thought he liked Justin better. Ernie was a good person, but he had a tendency to adopt behaviors that were a little too official or conventional. Justin was more outgoing and natural, and he and Harry friendly squabbled about the professional football teams of England more than once. It was good to have someone to talk who could keep Harry in contact with the Muggle world where he grew up.

The thought brought his gaze to Hermione. He could talk with her about stuff from the Muggle world, though lately they had fewer opportunities to talk due to their overloaded schedule. Most of his time was with Ron now. It was funny to introduce him to some things in the Muggle world, while Ron kept doing it for the Wizarding world for Harry, but still, there were things he could not discuss with Ron as well as he could with Hermione. The latest example, though not being linked at all with Muggles, was the fact that Remus was a werewolf.

As Harry kept staring at Hermione, he thought about the fact that they were two of the only three students who were aware of Remus' condition. Hermione had confirmed, after Harry asked her, that Susan had known ever since the beginning of the year about it, which explained the strange questions she asked Harry back then. Harry had not gone to Susan to discuss about it with her. The lesser they talked about this topic, the better it would be, although Harry and Hermione had spent quite a few hours discussing it lately.

"Harry, are you alright?"

Fred Weasley, who sat in front of him, just brought him back to earth. "Yes. I'm fine."

"You're sure?" George, who sat next to his brother, asked. "You looked as if you were in another world."

"I was just… lost in my thoughts," he replied, finishing his sandwich while looking away. His eyes fell on Ginny, who luckily didn't notice it since she was talking with Percy. It was good to be able to look at Ron's sister, even for a few seconds, without her blushing right away.

"Hey, we should hurry," Dean declared all of a sudden. "Defence Against the Dark Arts is beginning soon."

Everyone hurried. If there was one lesson no one wanted to miss, it was this one.

As Harry walked with his comrades to the classroom, he thought about the fact that his first lesson to fight off Dementors would take place this evening. He had not talked to Remus since their famous discussion on him being a werewolf last week. Harry wasn't sure how to talk to Remus now. Not that he was afraid of him. He had known Remus for years, and he didn't think he would ever harm him. He also knew that Remus was inoffensive outside the days of full moon, and that Remus would never approach him during those days. Harry just feared it would be… awkward to just talk with him like before, now that he knew the whole truth.

Harry wondered how he would react if he discovered that another one of his friends had such a big secret. His eyes were on Neville's back as they walked forward. Harry didn't see Neville hiding some big secret. Well, perhaps he would do so out of shame, or even shyness, but it was more likely to be that he broke something by accident and he didn't want the others to know so they wouldn't think of him as clumsy, something everybody already knew about, or so that he wouldn't get into trouble. Neville was probably the unluckiest of students, who got into trouble with professors and with Filch without even looking for it.

Remus was already inside the classroom when they arrived. Harry sat down with Ron, as usual. The lesson was on Fire Crabs today, and how to neutralize them. A few people got burned, and Parvati was very reluctant to face her own Fire Crab.

"Trelawney told her to beware of fire," Ron explained. "First, she thought the professor was talking about me again because of my hair. She's going to be afraid of everyone with that color, if it continues."

Despite this, Parvati dealt quickly with her Fire Crab. Lavender seemed quite relieved, but she didn't have as much success with her own Crab, and her robe took fire. Remus extinguished it quite quickly and no harm was done, but at the end of the class, Lavender was telling everyone that Trelawney warned Parvati about what would happen today.

"She said to beware of fire. She was talking about fire that would attack me, not Parvati," she squealed to Seamus. Hermione rolled her eyes again.

Harry had avoided Remus' eyes during the whole lesson, even when the time had come for him to face his own Fire Crab. He just didn't know how to behave around him anymore.

"So, it begins this evening? Lupin is going to teach you how to fend off Dementors?" Ron asked Harry as they proceeded towards the Great Hall.

"Yes," Harry replied.

"Still looks ill though, doesn't he? I hope he's going to be in a good enough state to teach you."

"I'm sure he will."

"Really? I don't know. What's the matter with him? Why does he always look so miserable?"

"Tuh!"

Ron looked behind at the sound, to Harry's relief because he didn't want to engage a discussion on Remus' health. It could lead to dangerous territories at a time when he had to avoid telling Ron about Remus being a werewolf. To Harry's despair though, it was Hermione who made the sound.

"What are you tutting at us for?" Ron asked her.

"Nothing," she replied.

"Yes, you were. I said I wonder what's wrong with Lupin, and you…"

"Ron, I think you're imagining things," Hermione replied on an air of superiority.

"Never mind," Ron said, raising his hands in the air. "Let's go get dinner. I'm hungry."

Later, when Ron was deep in a discussion with Dean and Seamus, Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and took her aside before they went into the Great Hall.

"What were you doing a few moments ago?" Harry asked her.

"Nothing."

"Look, Hermione, I'm not an idiot. We're supposed to keep it a secret."

"And we are."

"Then don't tease Ron about it."

"Harry, I didn't. I just… Sometimes, it seems to me that Ron is really ignorant. He should have figured out by now."

"Well, let's hope he doesn't, like all the others. And in the meantime, let's not give him clues about it."

"Okay," Hermione said exasperated. "But now, let's go to the Great Hall. Because Ron is going to wonder why we're no longer with him."

And indeed, the moment they sat down next to him, Ron asked them.

"Where were you, the two of you? You were right behind me."

"I dropped some books. Harry stayed to help me put them back into my bag."

"You're carrying too many," Ron said as he took some steak with smashed potatoes. "You could have asked me for help."

"You were too far away," Hermione replied, on a tone that was a little too much superior to Harry's taste. Ron obviously noticed it, for he looked at her with anger, and even to Harry with the same expression for a moment.

Hermione left early to do her homework. Harry and Ron finished their dinner later, and went to the common room on their own.

"She's going to kill herself if she keeps following all these lessons. I wonder how she does," Ron said.

"It's Hermione," Harry offered as an explanation.

"I know, but still… It doesn't even make sense. She manages to attend all her lessons, and yet most of them happen at the same time as other classes. How can she manage to do that?"

In truth, Harry wasn't interested by the mystery of Hermione's planning. For now, his mind was entirely occupied by his upcoming Anti-Dementor lesson.

Harry arrived in the History of Magic's classroom at eight o'clock. Remus hadn't arrived yet, so Harry waited for him anxiously, wandering what the lesson would be like. He never actually saw someone chasing off a Dementor. He was unconscious both times, when Remus and Dumbledore took care of them. He heard descriptions of silvery forms by his friends, but that was all.

A few minutes after Harry arrived, Remus finally showed up, accompanied by a large case that hovered at the height of his waist.

"Good evening, Harry," his professor told him as he closed the door behind.

"What is that?" Harry asked, pointing the huge case, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"Another Boggart. I've been combing the castle since Tuesday, and very luckily, I found this one lurking inside Mr Filch's filing cabinet. It's the nearest we'll get to a real Dementor. The Boggart will turn into a Dementor when he sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him. I can store him in my office when we're not using him. There's a cupboard under my desk he'll like."

"Okay," Harry said.

"So, the spell I am going to try and teach you is highly advanced magic, Harry. It is well beyond Ordinary Wizarding Level. It is called the Patronus Charm."

Harry nodded to indicate that he understood.

"A Patronus is some kind of Anti-Dementor…"

But as he continued his explanations, Harry's mind wandered to the case. Inside was something that would soon take the appearance of a Dementor. And it was Remus who would teach him how to push it back. Remus, the man he thought he knew, and who a week ago confessed that he had been hiding an entire part of his life from Harry.

"Harry. Harry!"

Harry was brought back to earth once more today. His mind had wandered again.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked him, sounding concerned.

"Yes, I'm fine," he replied, trying to avoid Remus' eyes.

For a long moment, Remus said nothing while Harry looked away. Then he sighed. "Harry, if you have a problem with me, you can tell me." Harry's gaze shot back to Remus in surprise. "I noticed that you tried to avoid me ever since you… found out about me. If it causes you some problems, then…"

"It's not a problem," Harry shot back. "It's just… I don't know, Remus. I guess I just need some time to… get used to it."

Remus nodded in comprehension. "I get it. Look, Harry. I told you that your father and my friends didn't abandon me when they found out the truth. But… there was still a certain period of… weirdness between us, for some time. Even your father needed time before he behaved with me like before. I don't blame you. And if you're somewhat unhappy with the fact that I hid it…"

"My mother told me the truth," Harry shot, and Remus looked at him with a curious gaze. "She said you wanted to tell me, but that she refused." Remus looked stunned. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"

Remus took his time before he answered. "Because I didn't want you to hold your mother responsible, Harry," Remus said. "She didn't want us to keep the truth away from you because she didn't trust you with it, not even because she was afraid that you might reject me afterwards. She did that because she thought you already had more than enough on your shoulders, with the events that happened over the last two years, and Peter's trial and his following escape in the summer. She didn't want you to have to keep such a secret in addition to all that."

Harry nodded. He knew all that already. His mother had taken her time to answer to his letter. She wrote that she was very busy at work, but Harry received a reply to his letter where he asked her about Remus on the last Saturday at breakfast. He had to be careful to keep it away from Ron, and only shared it with Hermione since she knew about Remus. His mother explained, like Remus did, why she didn't tell him before, and she also assured him that Remus wanted to tell him and that she forbade him to do so. In some way, she told Harry that Remus was not responsible for this, and that he was still the same person he always knew.

"I know," Harry said. "I guess… I guess I just need time to get used to the fact that you're…"

"A werewolf," Remus completed before Harry's hesitation. "It's alright, Harry. I don't blame you. But in the meantime, we still have a lesson on Dementors. And I don't think you want to postpone it."

"No."

Remus smiled at Harry's answer. "Very well, then. I'll start my explanation all over again, and this time, listen to them very carefully."

And so Harry did. He was to focus on a single, very happy memory, and to cast a spell at the same time. This would create a Patronus, a powerful being that would protect him from the Dementor. Harry pondered for some time about the happy memory he should choose. He had many, going as far as his early childhood, when he was maybe four, and his mother accompanied him for the first time at an amusement park, to the most recent one when Sirius offered him his Firebolt for Christmas.

It was this one that Harry chose. He would focus on the joy he felt when he unpacked the Firebolt. Then he started reciting the incantation Remus taught him.

"Expecto patronum," he said in a very low voice. "Expecto patronum," he kept repeating, his eyes half-closed.

Harry noticed something shining to his right. He raised his wand to see a wisp of silvery gas, but it disappeared almost immediately.

"Did you see that?" Harry asked, excited. "Something happened!"

"Very good, Harry!" Remus said with a smile. "Now, keep focusing on the happy memory. Ready to try it on a Dementor?"

"Yes," Harry replied after a moment.

He tightened the grip around his wand. He focused on the happy memory as strongly as he could. At the same time, he couldn't remove his eyes from the case. In a moment, a Dementor would come out of there. And like the last time… Would he heard his mother again?

Remus took the lid of the case and opened it. Immediately, the terrifying shape of a Dementor came out of there.

"Expecto patronum!" he shouted immediately, pointing his wand towards the Dementor. But nothing happened.

The Dementor stepped out of the case and hovered in Harry's direction. Cold surrounded the classroom. Harry tried to think hard about his Firebolt.

"Expecto patronum!"

Still nothing. Instead, he felt his vision getting blurry. The classroom started to fade.

"Expecto patronum!" he said feebly, unable to remember the happy memory he chose. He tried to find another, without success. All he could think about was his mother as he began hearing her scream.

Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!

Stand aside, you silly girl!

The cold voice resonated in Harry's ears along with the screams of his mother.

"Harry!"

Harry came back to consciousness. It was obvious he had lost it. He was lying flat on the floor and felt very cold.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked, obviously concerned.

"Yes." Harry stood up, he needed to take hold of a desk to support his effort.

"Here." Remus handed him a Chocolate Frog that Harry seized immediately. Some heat returned the moment he bit in it. "Eat this before we try again. I didn't expect you to do it first time. In fact, I would have been astounded if you had."

"It's getting worse," Harry whispered. "I…" He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell Remus about it. He only told him half the truth. "I heard him." Remus seemed to look pale all of a sudden. "Voldemort. The night…" Harry trailed off. He chose to finish his Chocolate Frog instead, each bite spreading some more heat while not removing the horrible memory of his mother pleading.

He remembered when she faced Voldemort, two years ago, when Harry, Ron and Hermione went to find the Philosopher's Stone. She almost died then, but she had stood in front of him. She seemed so strong. Hearing her like this… It was hard for Harry.

"Harry, if you won't want to continue, I will more than understand…"

"I do!"

Harry stared straight into Remus' eyes. They had to continue. Harry had to succeed in repelling a Dementor. Perhaps his mother would disapprove, but he didn't want to take the risk of them losing the next Quidditch game if the Dementors showed up again.

"All right then," Remus said, looking worried. "This was a first attempt, so no wonder you failed. But… perhaps you could choose a happier memory, if you have one. It is possible that this one was not strong enough."

Harry thought about it. Indeed, he had been happy to receive the Firebolt. But it was certainly not his happiest memory. So he searched in his memories. He looked for something that really made him happy beyond measure. This year had not been full of them so far. And the year before… And then he knew. The feast after they rescued Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets. Ginny who was safe… Hagrid who came back from Azkaban… Dumbledore who was back as Headmaster… The people who were Petrified revived… And… Hermione running at him when she arrived in the Great Hall…

Harry gripped his wand again. "I'm ready."

Remus took place next to the case again. Harry focused on the details on that moment, on the feast, on everyone who was back, especially Hermione. Her return had been the moment he loved the most, the moment when he was filled with the most joy, after being worried for her for weeks before that.

"Ready?" Remus asked.

"Ready," Harry confirmed.

"Go!"

The case was opened again, and the Dementor came out once more. Harry hung on the memories of the feast last year, on Hagrid's face… On Ginny's face… On Ron's face… On Hermione's…

"Expecto patronum!"

Nothing happened. He focused.

"Expecto patronum!"

But the images faded away. Not even the smile of Hermione as she ran remained.

Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off...

Avada Kedavra!

Nooooooooooooo!

The last thing Harry saw was a long mane of red hair.

"Harry! Harry! Wake up!"

Remus once again woke him up. Harry needed a little more time to realize what happened, but he stood up all the same, though with more difficulty than the last time. Remus handed him a chocolate bar which Harry reluctantly ate. He had heard his father this time. He knew it. This was his voice. It couldn't be anyone else. And he heard his mother scream as he died.

He realized he was crying, and dried his eyes with his robe.

"I heard my dad," Harry finally said. He couldn't say anything more. Looking at Remus, who had gotten even paler, he thought he probably just made a mistake.

"You heard James?" Remus asked, his voice hoarse.

"Yes."

"Listen, Harry," his professor said in a careful voice. "Perhaps we should leave it there for tonight. This charm is ridiculously advanced. I shouldn't have suggested putting you through this…"

"No!" Harry said sharply. The tears were gone. Instead, he had a new determination. "Give me one more go! I'm not thinking of happy enough things, that's what it is… hang on…"

Harry paced around the room, thinking very hard about what should have been the happiest moment of his life. Well, most of the happy memories he had was when he was… And then he thought of something.

"One more time," he said, determined, to Remus.

Uncertain, Remus went to the case. "Ready?" he asked Harry, who nodded. "Concentrate hard." That's what Harry was doing. "All right. Go!"

The case was opened again. The Dementor came out, air froze, candles were turned off.

"Expecto patronum!"

Harry thought hard. The memories scrolled in his mind. He thought of all the moments, even the tiniest he could remember. Despite the screaming voice of his mother that came from the darkness, he could remember. He was flying for the first time over an empty field outside of Northampton… He was learning to swim in a public pool… His football team just won the championship… He was flying over the pitch before his first game of Quidditch… He just received his new Firebolt… And in all those memories, there was one thing that never changed. The Dementor could try to extinguish them, but there was one part of those memories he couldn't bury. It was the face of his mother, always there, smiling, happy.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

And then a huge silver shadow emerged from his wand, and it stood between him and the Dementor. Harry kept focusing. He used the fact that Dementors were trying to bring the worst memory about his mother to focus on the memories where she was involved that were happy. However, he slowly felt those good memories lose in intensity. His legs were losing in force.

"Ridikulus!"

A loud crack caused the Dementor to vanish, and Harry's Patronus vanished with it.

"Excellent!" Remus said after he forced the Boggart back into the packing case. Harry had sat sit down in a chair nearby, exhausted, but satisfied, and proud too. "Excellent, Harry! That was definitely a start!"

Harry felt as if he was living again after this success. "Can we have another go? Just one more go?" he asked Remus.

"Not now. You've had enough for one night."

Remus' voice didn't leave any place to discussion. He handed to Harry a large chocolate bar from Honeydukes, and Harry dutifully ate it all.

"I'm going to accompany you back to your common room. At this hour, it would be better if no one found you alone in the corridors."

So Harry followed Remus. But he had many questions for him on the way.

"What was the Patronus that I created? You said it took a different shape, depending on the wizard, but mine looked like…"

"It was your first attempt, Harry. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's already a feat that you succeeded on your first day. A real Patronus usually takes the shape of an animal. But this is your first time. Quite often, in these cases, the Patronus looks like steam. It takes a lot of practice to get an actual shape."

"What is yours?"

Remus dropped the level of his voice. "A wolf."

He had a sorry smile as he said it. Harry found it amusing. He should have thought about it. But then he thought about something else.

"Wait, if the others in the Hogwarts Express… When you chased off the Dementor… Did they see…"

"Don't worry about that, Harry. I hid the shape of my Patronus on purpose, so that the others would not see it."

They arrived in front of the Fat Lady.

"Fortuna Major," Remus said. "Have a good night, Harry. And rest."

"Remus, wait. What's the Patronus of my mother?"

"A doe," he replied. "Have a good night, Harry. And again, rest."

Harry walked into the common room, feeling relieved that he now was able to produce a Patronus, even though his legs kept shaking.

That is a chapter I very much enjoyed to write. Trying to think about what would be Harry's most happy memories in this alternate universe was interesting, since he is not the orphan mistreated by the Dursleys. However, he still has horrible memories from his past, and perhaps hearing them is even worse, knowing people he loves went though these horrors.

Please review.

Next chapter: Cho