Part Seventy-Three
After
Elliot managed to stop smiling long enough to eat most of his dinner, but the moment he was done, Olivia found herself back in his arms. "Liv?"
The problem with their symbiotic emotions was that she couldn't help but smile back stupidly even though she had no idea what he was about to ask and knowing full well he had a decided tendency to piss her the fuck off. And still, her huge smile mirrored his. "What?"
"I know you said you weren't ready and I know I said I wouldn't pressure you, but," his voice trailed off as his face fell, probably because he realized what he was saying.
But for once in recent history, she knew both what he was thinking and wasn't a bit mad about it. She had been the one to put the brakes on their relationship and for good reason, but she felt things had changed and she strongly suspected that her mood and symptoms would improve with the gentle support of the man who apparently desperately wanted permission to love her.
She cupped his cheeks, leaned up on her toes, and pressed her lips squarely against his. She kissed him long and hard and deep, expecting that her actions would clear the air between them. She eventually pulled away, his hands staying tight against her low back and his eyes were slow to open. "You were saying?"
He grinned back, his eyes sparkling with happiness. "Not a damn thing." He pulled her against his body once again and returned the kiss.
Making it up the stairs was difficult because they couldn't seem to stop kissing long enough to climb more than a step at a time and so they tried to move while they were kissing which only resulted in them slamming heavily into walls and banisters and light switches and doorknobs. Olivia was fairly certain she was going to have a ton of bruises from the encounter and as they fell back onto the bed, she remembered the paperwork from the doctor and Elliot's promise that he could be gentle. Judging from the way he tore the collar of her shirt as he pulled it from her body, she figured it probably wasn't in his control.
But she realized, looking at the red streaks her nails were leaving all over his skin, that she was in much the same condition. It had been too long without him and she couldn't help her feral reaction to having the opportunity to touch him again. He seemed to be on the same page, his hands and mouth feeling almost desperate in the way he touched her. She didn't even think about the weight she'd gained or how she looked, because he was obviously so thoroughly enjoying her body just the way it was that she actually felt comfortable.
It was only afterwards, while he was still collapsed on top of her, his breathless pants leaving her skin tingling as her body cooled, that he finally met her eyes again. His eyes were wet with tears, emotion twisting his mouth as he fought for enough control to speak. He lost the battle, shaking his head instead of saying anything, leaning forward to nuzzle his face into her neck. He rolled to his side and pulled her with him, his arms wrapping around her, his muscles flexing to keep her as close as possible.
It didn't matter that he hadn't been able to say it. She knew what he meant. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to be the reason she was happy. And she trusted him enough to let him.
Olivia was wide the fuck awake. It was the wee hours and she was crushed so hard against Elliot's chest that she could barely breathe, but it was going to be at least a few hours before he woke up and so she decided she'd have to get used to not breathing. He'd worked all day, spent the evening scared something had happened to her, and then came home to upsetting news. Not to mention the almost frantic pace at which they'd renewed their physical relationship.
She didn't mind, not really, not when she could concentrate on enjoying the feel of him holding her and take breath after breath of the scent of him up close and listen to his heart beating slow and steady under her ear. She'd gotten plenty of sleep that evening and she didn't want to interrupt his rest with a nightmare anyway, so she decided she'd simply enjoy the time. It was peaceful. It was just them together and no miscommunication and years of hurt feelings.
But by four, she was bored. Elliot was still sound asleep, his head turned away from her, his mouth hanging open, his soft snores just starting to grate on her ears. She thought about getting up, going downstairs to read or think about the damn job situation she was going to have to resolve or something, but bored as she was, she couldn't leave him. Not their first night back together. Not that night. Not the day he'd asked her to marry him because he wanted her like this forever.
Her fingers stroked along his chest and belly, marveling at the softness of his skin and the tension of his strong muscles even while he slept. She stared at his face, smiling to herself that this beautiful man with this ridiculous body actually loved her. She leaned down, copying his actions from earlier, her face nuzzling into his neck as she pressed light kisses against his skin.
He mumbled something in his sleep, his face turning towards her, one of his hands loosening its grip to caress her back. Her hands trailed lower, playing along his abdomen as her kisses grew harder, her mouth falling open so she could taste him. The next time he moaned, she was sure it was her name.
She carefully worked her way loose from his arms, slowly shifting down. By the time she had kissed her way down his chest and stomach, his hands were fisting in the sheets. Parts of him were clearly more awake than others and she was all too happy to give him the rest of his wake up call. She smiled to herself and she lowered her head to take him in her mouth.
When she finished, she shimmied her way back up his body, allowing herself to rub against the length of him as she went, hearing the way he sighed in contentment. His head was thrown back and she took advantage of his exposed throat, pressing her tongue against his skin and tasting the salt from his sweat. When her mouth eventually moved back to his, she found him fully awake, eagerly returning her kisses.
His hands were everywhere as he rolled her onto her back. But instead of moving, he simply stared down at her. "I've never been woken up like that before. Hell of a lot better than an alarm clock," his voice was still thick from sleep. He was grinning as he leaned down, his eyes on her mouth.
But she pulled back, pressing her head into the pillow, her eyes narrowed in confusion. "Never?" The man had been married for fuck's sake, he had to be exaggerating for her benefit.
He shook his head, his eyes assuring her of his honesty. "Never."
What the fuck. She couldn't even process the idea.
But Elliot was eager to return the favor and within a few seconds, she couldn't process any ideas at all.
She did sleep then, after their early morning workout, until it was full light out, and she awoke with a delicious tightness in her muscles. She stretched out, feeling the warmth of a body behind her. She reached back to pat Moose's head, refusing to be disappointed that Elliot hadn't woken her when he left. He was probably just being considerate of her sleep.
But then her hand found skin instead of fur behind her and she jerked fully awake, thinking Elliot had overslept. She had no idea what sort of trouble he'd get in for being late and she shook his shoulder. "El, get up, you overslept."
He rolled onto his back, his eyes blinking sleepily at her. "I have the day off because of this weekend." His hand moved to her waist, pulling her against his chest. "Come back here."
If they kept this up, she realized, she'd lose those extra pounds in no time.
When they finally wandered downstairs, they found a very unhappy Moose whining and pacing by the back door. Besides the slice of pizza Elliot had given him, the poor guy had missed two meals and hadn't been outside in over twelve hours. Olivia felt guilty for her nap because if she'd known Elliot was going to be late, she would have at least let Moose out in the back yard. But when she tried to open the door, Moose leaned against it, refusing to let her.
"Damn it, Moose, move!" Her command went unheeded. She had her hands on her hips and was staring down the dog when Elliot stepped into the room.
"What did he do this time?" He glanced around, probably looking for whatever mischief Moose had been up to while they'd been distracted.
"He won't let me open the door and unless there's a surprise waiting for us somewhere, I'm sure he needs to pee." She started looking around the room, wondering how she might go about finding such a thing and how much it would smell and how difficult it would be to clean up.
But when Elliot approached the door, Moose let him pull it open. He barked ferociously for a moment before even looking outside, but eventually crouched down and slowly stepped into the yard. Elliot turned back to her. "What the fuck was that?"
"I guess that guy yesterday spooked him." Not two minutes later, Moose came bounding back inside, shoved his way behind the door, and laid down hard enough to slam it closed. "Great, now he's afraid of the kitchen and the yard."
"Maybe I should call out sick tomorrow." He didn't need to say any more to imply he didn't think Olivia could handle Moose on the trip to the vet.
Irritated both by Elliot's offer and Moose's behavior, she grabbed Moose's leash from the front door knob where it usually hung and called for him. Moose trotted over happily, his tail thumping hard against the wall as he allowed Olivia to fasten the lead to his collar. She glanced at Elliot and shrugged, reaching for the front door slowly, waiting for the dog she was starting to suspect was as crazy as she was to react badly. But he let her open the door and stayed next to her as she stepped outside. "How about you look up dog psychiatrists while I take him for a walk?"
She didn't go far, barely to the end of the block and back, because she wasn't dressed for going outside. She was dressed for hanging around the house, in pajama pants and one of Elliot's tee-shirts. She hadn't even bothered with underwear because she'd anticipated a shower immediately after breakfast and quite possibly Elliot joining her. She felt like everyone was staring at her as she walked and so hurried home once she determined Moose was acting normally again.
When she got back, Elliot was in the kitchen eating oatmeal. He'd made her a bowl as well and taken the time to slice a banana on top. She smiled at him, at his attempt to make her breakfast because she knew he couldn't cook any better than she could. She could scramble eggs sometimes and he managed to boil water for pasta, but that was about as far as they dared tread anymore.
He broke the silence as she was finishing, having been sitting there watching her for several minutes. "I told Joe that you hadn't been alone since your surgery, so if you need anything, call him and Noelle, ok?" He nodded at the fridge where he'd stuck a piece of paper with their numbers.
"I've been alone, El. I'll be fine." She had survived several weeks in her own apartment after all, weeks when she'd stupidly thought she could cut Elliot out of her life. Of course, each of those weeks had ended up with at least one trip to the hospital, but she blamed that on the trial and error of her medicines rather than her own failures.
"Not since we've been here and things aren't looking so good at the moment." He nodded at Moose, who was back in his crouched position in the hall. "I won't have my phone with me. So, just in case." He could undoubtedly read the way she was glaring at her empty bowl. "You don't have to call them. But you can if you need to."
"I barely know them." She wasn't expecting to have to call anyone and if she did, she'd probably reach out to Kathy or Allyson if only because they were the closest things she had to friends. But she suspected the whole point was to comfort Elliot when he felt responsible for something over which he had no control. "You trust Joe?"
He shrugged. "Seems like a decent guy, but I've only known him a couple of months."
She nodded. "Ok, fine. I don't intend to call them unless there's an emergency, but I will if I need to."
He stared at her, his eyes intense, and she had no idea what he was thinking. Maybe he was surprised at the ease with which she gave in. Maybe he thought she was lying. Maybe he was thinking about what sort of emergency might result in Olivia Benson calling anyone for help.
She reached out and covered his hand with hers. "I have a gun, El, I can defend myself now, remember."
He nodded, an unhappy sigh escaping from his throat. "I hate this. I don't want to leave you, not right now." He lifted his hand from under hers and cupped her cheek. "Not ever."
She leaned into his touch as the understanding dawned that it wasn't just his fear that she was sick. It had only been a day since she'd agreed to marry him. "It's only a couple days. It'll be fine."
He leaned toward her until he could kiss her, the awkward position across the table limiting how carried away they could get. When he sat back, he had a satisfied smirk on his face. "I'll miss you."
She smirked back. "You'll miss your new alarm clock."
"That too." Finally he stood and put their bowls in the dishwasher. "I have to get packed, but then we have the rest of the day."
She didn't think he would take much time to get ready and she didn't have anything to do anyway, so she stayed right where she was when he headed upstairs. She needed to figure out what she was going to do about working, but that was still dependent on her health. She needed to go to the lab and get her blood work drawn so she could figure out what was going on with her body, but she wasn't going to upset Elliot on his way out for the weekend.
And as pleasant as the previous twelve hours had been, her nausea was suddenly back, her stomach rolling unhappily. She clenched her teeth to bite back the urge to gag, but the feeling didn't pass. She stood up and had to grip the edge of the table to keep herself upright from the sudden dizziness. A moment later she was rushing into the powder room, emptying her stomach into the toilet.
Elliot was beside her in a second, crouched down on the floor next to her, one hand rubbing her back, the other brushing her hair back from her face. His worry was written all over his face as he helped her climb to her feet. She could hear the thoughts running through his head.
"Don't, El. You have to work. I'll be fine." She rinsed her mouth with water from the sink.
"Call the doctor. Today. Before I leave." He kept his arm around her to lead her to the couch. "I want to know what he says."
She glanced at her phone, lying right where she'd left it the day before. He was probably right. She did need to call the doctor, but DeMarco wouldn't be able to do anything until he got all the tests back, the tests she hadn't gotten done yet. But she couldn't find the strength to argue with Elliot, didn't want to send him away for three days worried about her. She leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes, feeling the familiar warmth of Moose resting against her leg.
"I'll call him in a little while. I just want to sit here for a minute." The guilt was already strangling her and she hadn't even told the big lie yet. Her good mood was already long gone by the time he went back upstairs. She told herself she was lying to protect him from the stress and the worry, but it still brought the tears back to her eyes.
She thought about how she'd react if their positions were reversed. She'd be mad as hell, but she'd understand. She already knew he kept things from her, trying to protect her, trying not to make anything any harder for her than it already was. Just like this training weekend. He hadn't wanted to worry her about it and it wound up biting them on the ass. She could only hope her decisions wouldn't have the same result. With a heavy sigh, she headed upstairs to find Elliot.
He was nearly finished with his packing and she sat on the bed next to his overstuffed bag, leaning on it as though the flight of stairs had been exhausting. And it had been, but she didn't want Elliot to see that.
"Ready to go?"
He looked at her with a frown as he stuffed some papers in one of the pockets and zipped it up. "Not even a little." He hefted the bag onto the floor and took its place, sitting down next to her, his hand resting possessively on her thigh. "I'm not looking forward to any of this."
She leaned against him, enjoying the opportunity to touch him while she could because she knew she was going to desperately miss him for the next three days. She didn't want to add to his upset though, so she tried to brave her way through it. "Maybe it'll be fun. Something more interesting than whatever it is you do all day."
His face nuzzled into her neck, his breath hot on her ear as he answered. "I'd have more fun here."
She was tempted, but she needed to clean herself up first. She was in desperate need of a shower. She playfully elbowed him and stood up. "Hold that thought. I need to brush my teeth, trust me."
She really wanted a nap, but it wasn't an option, not when just making the request would scare him. She'd refused dinner the previous evening and her stomach had rejected her breakfast so she was running on fumes. She managed to brush her teeth, leaning heavily on the sink with one arm. Adjusting the shower controls, she toyed with the idea of a bath simply because she could sit down but decided against it because Elliot would have a meltdown if he found her asleep in the tub.
She'd barely stepped under the spray before she didn't need her legs at all, not with the way Elliot's arms wrapped around her and supported her weight. She couldn't prevent the giggle that fell out of her mouth at the way he simply held her under the steaming water.
She turned her head toward him with a smile. "Couldn't give me ten minutes?"
He shook his head before spinning her around and pressing her back against the tiles. "I missed you."
Her mouth found his, her legs wrapping around his hips, and she cursed herself again for denying them this physical respite from their painful, complicated lives. She corrected herself a moment later when he pulled his mouth away, his eyes boring into hers as he buried himself inside her, the connection between them astounding her with its intensity. It wasn't just physical between them, no, it was the emotional nexus that she felt so deeply she couldn't even process it.
She grabbed his shoulders, pulling him back against her, and hoping like hell he heard all the things she didn't know how to say.