"What are you doing?" I ask finding mom in my room after work, I had been wanting a hot shower and to get out of my coffee-stained clothing, but apparently, the world had other things to throw at me.
Because all I see are my journals tossed about on my bed, and all the photos I had of Ken and me as well. Kisses on cheeks and necks, me listening to his heartbeat with him shirtless, but the thin straps of my bralette barely visible on my shoulder. A few with Owen smiling cheerily for the cameras are ones that might melt the heart of a grandparent to see her child and grandchild happily with someone who loves them. But all I see is rage in my mother's eyes.
"You read my journals!" I exclaimed, realizing that they were marked on certain pages.
"Whatever happened to privacy for my own thoughts!"
"What happened to not lying to us!" Mom's voice raises. Grabbing one and opening it to a page,
"Went to Ken's after work, Stacy let me out an hour early so I have a good three hours before I have to be home as I told them I was going to stop by a friend's after work anyway to work on a project for school."
"Spent the evening at Ken's and watched a movie after Owen went to bed at his place. God, his kisses are intoxicating. Still keeps a firm grasp on his wanting to take things slow though,"
Mom reads next before pulling up her phone. "March 30th—Going to a friend's house since Owen is at Ken's for the night. Be home late most likely. Don't wait up!' Mom exclaims.
"It's all lies then there are the photos, of the two of you together in this room," Mom tells me. "Or this receipt for dance exams? Two hundred dollars! It's a waste of time and money Rilla." If she only knew that Tessa had signed me up before she even told me she thought I should do them and paid the deposit of 130 dollars that she refused to let me pay back.
"But it's not and it's my money that I have earned. Owen has everything she has ever needed and seriously you never complained about Tristan being in my room!" I say reaching for the photos. She doesn't deserve to see my happiness if she can't look at those photos and see how happy I look in them.
"You never felt the need to lie about it which is why we didn't care if he came over or not when Owen wasn't around! We asked you to be considerate of the others living in this house, much like we ask of Shirley and Wynnie, but this lying is what I am upset about Rilla. It's disrespectful." Mom retorts.
"Disrespectful? You just went through my journals, my personal thoughts and feelings!" I exclaim. "I can't do this, I can't keep doing this constant back and forth with you. About my parenting choices, about school, my choice of work or the fact that I still dance. I'm no longer sixteen, I can make choices for myself. I can decide if I'm ready for something. It's my choice, it was our choice together and for the first time in so long, I am happy! Truly god damn happy, happy that I can be just me and not have to worry. He listens to me when I need to talk things through, he respects me and my choices on so many levels you will never understand. Not that Tristan was horrid, but he just didn't get it or me. I know that I deviated from the plan and that I was disappointed with my choices and actions. But, you disappointed me and no amount of Therapy will ever make that pain truly go away." I tell her and she recoils back from me. I know she feels horrible and guilty for what happened in the past, and forgiving and forgetting is not as easy as one might think. Not to mention you can still forgive someone, or love someone but still feel let down by them.
"I just don't want you to lose yourself and all that you have worked for," Mom says regaining her footing but softening.
"Lose myself? If anything Ken makes me want to be a better person!" I tell her which almost appears to be the wrong thing as her face goes stoic once more. "If I learned anything from Beth or even Dr. Chang is that you don't have to have yourself all figured out to meet the right person, sometimes the right person can help bring out the best in you naturally. Ken does that with me, he makes me want to be better because he loves me for who I am right now. Which is the basket case half of the time? God, do you want to know how much I bit my tongue around you the past two and half months? Because it did all the time and the reason is that I was trying to be a better person, trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. Trying to be a better daughter, trying to see your side of things. Trying to actually get along, while standing my ground about my life, instead of just fighting. Yet we still end up here and I'm tired of it Mom, I don't want my own daughter to grow up and see me constantly arguing and fighting with you, thinking that this is normal!"
To my surprise, Mom backs out of my room putting my journal down in the process. I sink down on my bed when I look up I see Owen in my doorway.
"Mommy?" She says unsure of what just happened. God, had she witnessed the whole thing?
"Come on baby," I say taking her hand and going back over to her room. "How do you feel like staying with Daddy for a few days?" I ask her grabbing her bag.
"Really?" She looks at me. "You to mommy?"
"I don't know yet baby," I say honestly. I pack her a bag and some of her favourite dolls as well before zippering it up. I go back to my room and pack mine next as she sits on my bed. I grab my make-up, toiletries, medications, journals and photos I could grab. I add whatever clothing I could easily find and grabbed my dance bag as well. Making sure I had everything I could possibly need and fit in there as well.
I leave without saying goodbye, only leaving a note saying I would be back eventually on my desk in my room.
I look at the car, not wanting to take it, but at the same time, there is no way to walk with our bags that wouldn't take forever as Owen wouldn't last the forty-minute walk to Ken's. I mean I did plan on being back, and worst comes to worst I would just bring it back.
I get to Kens, realizing that he was at his parent's, and I didn't have keys anymore. I groan trying not to cry. I hit the last time he called and wait for him to pick up.
I sit on the lawn as Owen played with her plushie in front of me, hers and my overnight bag beside me.
"Mommy, where daddy?" Owen asks me as she plays.
"He'll be here soon Bubz, he was at gramma and grandpa's," I tell her with a sigh. I had called him half an hour ago when I realized that he wasn't home. At least it was nice out as I looked up at the blue sky.
"Rilla?" I heard Ken's voice before I saw him.
"Daddy!" Owen exclaimed and ran as fast as her legs would take her.
"Hi munchkin," I hear him respond as he lifts her into his arms for a hug. "Everything all right?" He asked in a concerned voice as he saw my tear-stained face.
"Mama sad, grammy mad and sad, they cry" Owen spoke for me.
"I'll explain, I just had to get out of the house," I told him with a sigh as I stood up and fixed my tee shirt. Ken nodded and bent slightly to grab one of my bags. We walked silently into the building he lived in.
I watched him unlock the door with one hand while holding our daughter. He lets me in first and I drop my bags by the rack of shoes. And kick off my shoes and turn to him as he placed Owen on the floor who was already undoing her shoes and putting them next to the shiny dress shoes that Ken wore on occasion. She looked at me and grinned before running past us going to find the basket of toys she had here. He must have left Jack with his parents.
"Coffee?" Ken asked. I nod my head and followed him to the small kitchen and I watch him make it before he asks. "So what happened?"
"I came back from work, She found all my journals and all of our photos. She went on about lying and essentially fact-checked what I wrote in my journal to what I had texted her." I tell him.
"Fact Checked?" Ken asks confused.
"Yeah I guess when Dad mentioned January made her think we were lying and she needed the truth, but it wasn't pretty and it ended with both of us crying and I just needed out of there. I can figure I can stay with Joy if I need to if you don't mind keeping watch of Owen?" I tell him as he passes me a cup and takes a long sip as we walk to the sofa.
"Rilla you don't have to stay at Joy's," Ken tells me as we sit down. "Of course, if you wish to, I understand but you are more than welcome to stay here with Owen. There is more than enough room, and when things settle down, you can make a more definite decision about how this will work?"
"Beth says that while she can't tell me what to do, but she does believe that a separation of sorts could be beneficial to my relationship with my parents," I say sighing. "As long as I have a safe place to land, which in reality I have multiple options," I explain to him.
"Well, you can stay here as long as you need to, I think we both know we have never been conventual in our progress of getting here in the first part," Ken tells me before pulling me into a hug.
"Shit," I say cursing. "I forgot to grab your birthday present," I say remembering the wrapped gift I had tucked away in my room.
"It's fine, I have everything I already need, but if it's that bothersome we can pick it up in a few days," Ken tells me. "Are you done work for the day though?"
I nod my head. "I worked the opening shift at the coffee shop."
"Well, my parents are going to drive into Charlottetown and pick up the photos from Owen's birthday portraits. We planned on getting dinner somewhere, but if Owen will be around they will choose somewhere more appropriate than their usual spot." Ken tells me.
"Well, I didn't really bring anything nice to wear," I say sighing.
"I think one of your dresses is still in my closet?" Ken tells me trying to cheer me up. "Actually you have quite a few things here."
It was Dad who appeared asking what and my side of the story. To his credit, he didn't force me to come home, but legally he can't anyway. Still, it appears Mom told him her side and he did admit that what she did was wrong, but it was still wrong of me to lie as I did.
It's after Owen is already in bed, so I try to keep my voice low.
"I'm done Dad, I'm done trying to have her forgiveness. I'm done, I can't do it anymore, I can't be in that house, her telling me that Owen is my responsibility yet always undermining or telling me doing it wrong. I can't do it anymore Dad," I tell him shaking my head. "I don't want to be forced into things I don't want to do, I don't know if I want to do university. She thinks I'm wasting my time on dance when it's the one thing that keeps me sane. I just need some time."
"You'll take your pills?" He asked resigning to the fact that at nineteen he couldn't drag me home.
"Every day on the dot since that's the way it works." I nod my head. "We're extremely careful, we aren't going to make the same mistakes. It's not like we're bumping like bunnies, heaven forbid we have enough time for that." I tell him, which for once makes him go red in the face.
"You are always welcome to visit, see Owen. I won't keep her from you but I can't go back." I shake my head once more.
My dad looks to Ken who was standing off to the side watching me talk.
"You'll take care of her?" He asked gruffly.
"I have been since the day I drove sixteen hours on extreme jet lag," Ken said simply.
"Can I look in on Owen?" Dad asked.
"She just went to bed," I tell him but let him peek into her room.
"Do you need anything?" He asks awkwardly before leaving.
"I'll stop by when mom's at work for some things for Owen and me," I tell him simply.
Dad nods his head. "Don't be a stranger, my phone is always on." He tells me.
"The phone works both ways," I remind him.
"Of course," he said clearing his throat.
I sink into a chair after the door close, and all the tears threatening to appear come pouring out. I didn't think. I never thought I would have enough courage to tell them no.
Ken comes up behind her and wraps his arms around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head.
I'm more nervous than I should be as I take my place at the barre. There are four of us today, and the exam is 85 minutes long. I place my tutu beside my pointe shoes and wrap skirt. I take a few deep calming breaths, placing a small photo of Ken and Owen against the mirror.
I straighten my black leotard and pull at the sleeves and then at my fresh set of pink tights. My pointe shoes are one of the newest pairs that I have gotten in a while. At first, were soft shoes though. Ken is waiting for me in the lobby, with a book as Owen is with his parents. He gave me a large smile and thumbs up before I had come into the room.
The one examiner recognizes me from what I can tell, as we curtsy to the two of them but says nothing as I work through their instructions. I compartmentalize, allowing myself to focus on dance and the movement of my body.
It goes by quickly as it does slowly. Pointe shoes are tied and we advance to more barre and then centre work. Echappe sautes—third to second to third reversed, arabesques and various leaps and turns, pirouettes and fouettés make our head spin but we follow the music as if it's the beat of our heart.
The little swans are something we all know that is as much about teamwork as it is about the precision of movement. Don't hold too tightly, but also don't look like limp noodle arms. My head is spinning when the examiners call time.
We thank them with another curtsey before we leave the room.
I see Ken look up from his book, he comes over to me, as much as a pancake tutu will allow.
"How did it go?" He asks pressing a kiss to my sprayed-down hair.
"Good I think?" I say breathing deeply still as I take a long drink of water before taking off my tutu and placing it on a chair.
"How long do you have to wait?" Ken asks sitting down beside me.
"Few minutes usually?" I tell him as I sit down in a chair. "God I forgot how nerve-wracking but exciting exams could be," I tell him as Tessa gets the next round of girls to line up.
"Advanced ladies," She calls us back after 15 minutes. I feel Ken give me a squeeze of the hand as I get up and go back into the room.
"Congratulations to the four of you, you have all shown exquisite work from your extensions to your pointe work," The older lady tells the four of us.
"One 1-Daria, you have very lovely arms and feet and you had strong legs that let you leap into the air like you are flying. Your right ankle is slightly weaker than your left. If needed find a pair of shoes to help you build strength, or to support it more. Congratulations,
"2, Grace, You have great charisma which shows through your movements, it's invigorating to watch you dance the livelier steps but also able to bring it in when it calls for it. As well as your lines are spot on, but don't forget to spot when you are spinning it will help you.
"3-Hallie, beautiful pointe work and hand movement. Just watch your hypertension in your left knee so it does not become an issue in the future. You float as you dance and it is lovely to watch
4-Rilla, it has been a few years since I have seen your name, I am glad that you are still dancing. You have shown us that you have kept up with your form and extensions through your hiatus. Your pointe work and arches are splendid, and watching you dance is reminiscent of a fairy, light and airy and delicate, but all the precision and determination of a knight in battle. Any correction given is simple, watch your right ankle and Achilles, it looks at time as if you were favouring it. Though it could be your shoe pulling your back or dying fast than the left."
All of you, congratulations, on achieving one of the highest vocational dance exams certification. You have done yourself and you're teacher proud.
"I did it!" I exclaim, rushing back to Ken and hugging him before I turn around and find Tessa near us grinning proudly. We hug her, praising her and all that she has done for us. When it comes to hugging me, she whispers 'That boy has been a jittery mess for the past two hours, you think he was the one having the exam and not you.'
Ken stands back and watches when I divert my attention back to him I see him holding a bouquet. I cry at the sight of them and give him another long kiss before looking at my certificate of completion.
"Why don't you go change, and we'll drive back to my parent's place for dinner?" Ken tells me.
"Can we stop at your place though? So I can shower?" I ask him.
"Of course," Ken nods his head.
"Oh, we also need to stop by the comic books store that Shirley works at as well?" I ask him as I pull on my sweat pants and light cardigan. "I asked Wynnie to grab a few things from my room for me that I didn't think about packing. She gave them to him to bring to work knowing I would be nearby?"
"Of course, easily done," Ken chuckles and shakes his head. He gives me another swift kiss before grabbing my bag from the chair and I grab my tutu before we head out of the studio.
"Wynnie says she got what she could find," Shirley says giving me a bag he has behind the counter. "If you need anything just let her know she can drop it off."
"Thanks," I say quietly. "Thank you as well, for being on my side of things?"
"Oh I'm on neither side, I'm strictly Switzerland right now," Shirley shakes his head. "Though Mom goes back and forth from angry crying, and just crying that you left the house. God, I wonder what will happen when I move out next year and she's completely an empty nester. While probably going through menopause at that, which by the way Dad said to her and boy did she yell at him for that."
"Oh god, and I missed that," I laugh wholeheartedly before sobering. I mean it made sense to mom's emotional state these days.
"Well I should go and let you go back to work, Ken is waiting for me anyway," I tell my brother. "Oh I passed my dance exam, I have the highest that I can get now," I tell him grinning.
"That's great Rilla, it truly is," Shirley tells me before coming back around the counter and giving me a hug. "Take care of yourself and that niece of mine."
"You know I will," I tell him, "I'm gonna leave now because the staring is starting to get a bit too creepy," I whisper feeling the stares from men on me more and more.
"Guys! She's my sister's eyes on the comics," Shirley barks at the socially recluse customers he tended to have in the store at times.
I dig through the bags once back at Ken's place, Wynnie found most of everything including Ken's present. Given his birthday was this holiday Monday it worked out perfectly that we could spend the day together, and his parents before they flew out Tuesday morning.
I neatly put my things to the side, still unsure of how long I would stay at Ken's. Not wanting to, use the drawer he had intentionally emptied for me. This was only temporary, right? This couldn't be forever just yet? It was still too early by society's standards, wasn't it?
It always gets worse, before it gets better.
If you have any time to spare, please leave me a comment. I do appreciate all your thoughts and comments.