A/N: You're right to be concerned about Severus' reaction, Gestalt Prince. While he is an expert actor and Occlumens, canon shows that Snape often loses it when James Potter is brought up. In fact last chapter's description of his reaction when Lily tells him he is lesser than James was based in Snape's genuine reaction when at the end of The Half-Blood Prince Harry uses his own spells against him and calls him a coward (you can look it up, Rowling describes Snape's pale face as full of rage, suffused with hatred, suddenly demented, inhuman).
Thank you for the feedback, everyone, I might not reply at once to the reviews and sometimes I forget, but I read them all and take your comments into consideration. In fact I don't start writing the next chapter until some feedback has come in, I sort of get stuck until I receive some sign that I didn't screw up the story with the last chapter.
Updates are taking longer because the internal conflicts are getting more complicated and it drives me a bit crazy to write the Severus-Lily scenes from alternate perspectives, but I assure you I'm working full time on this and I'm occluding against any new stories' ideas.
That's all. Enjoy, and please review!
Chapter 9
Severus felt the exact moment when the fight went out of Lily and she stopped pointlessly trying to break his grip or wiggle out of the way of his ruthless cock, but he kept on ramming into her for good measure. Her limp body was a huge turn-off, though, and soon he realized he was in danger of faltering so he sped up and made quick work of finishing with a last disgusted thrust and grunt, ashamed of the extreme pleasure he experienced doing something so nefarious. He released Lily's hair and wrists when it was over, but he stayed inside her for several more seconds, holding her hips against him while he went through the aftershocks of his sickening orgasm.
Lily didn't do anything once she was free to move her arms, she just laid there with her teary face pressed against the desk, her body beginning to shake around Severus' rapidly softening member. When he finally slipped out and stepped away after pulling his trousers up and her nightshirt down, she remained still for a moment, as if afraid to move, before letting herself slide to the floor and curl in a ball with her back to him.
Severus felt horrified at what he had done, and was relieved that Lily wasn't looking in his direction because he was having trouble keeping his emotional turmoil from showing on his face. She could turn around at any second, though, so upon assessing his internal state and deciding that he really needed a moment to put himself together he stepped over her weeping form to retrieve his wand from the desk drawer and guiltily left the room. A few moments later he was hexing and kicking things all around his childhood bedroom, demolishing the place before finally slumping to the floor in a corner with his head clutched between his hands.
That had definitely been rape, and he had felt a lot more like a rapist than the first time, partly because this time Lily had fought from the start and he hadn't even tried to make her come but mostly because he hadn't been emotionally dissociated while he did it.
What was tormenting him, though, was why his Occlumency had spectacularly failed. Severus had allowed his hatred towards Potter to consume him, but worse than that, he had allowed his love for Lily to be overcome by his anger. And there was a lot of anger under Lily's name inside him. Most of the time it was counteracted by his guilt or redirected to Potter, but Severus had been angry with her since she had begun dating Potter in seventh year and tonight he had raped her for that.
He dug his fingernails in his forehead and cursed Dumbledore under his breath. This was exactly what he had been afraid of, the darkness he had feared would corrupt him if he put himself in a position where he was required to hurt and rape Lily repeatedly. Severus was certain that under normal circumstances he would have never done something like this to her no matter what she said to provoke him, but it was bloody hard to keep the darkness at bay when this fucked-up situation encouraged him to be the worst version of himself he could be. Of course he wasn't supposed to be that corrupted version for real, but Occlumency wasn't an infallible art and it was extremely hard to keep it up when he was being constantly triggered by Lily's grief over Potter.
After her little show of defiance Severus had had no choice but to punish her, and he had already been considering raping her hard before he had lost his head, but he shouldn't have done it moved by real anger. Not only because it made the abuse real and unforgivable, but because there was no way of knowing what he might do if he completely lost control of himself. The current situation forced him to be cruel to her, to punish her and rape her if she didn't comply, but what if he let himself be carried away and ended up killing her in a fit of rage? The thought that after everything he had done to try to protect Lily he might be the one to kill her paralyzed his lungs and made him gasp for air like a fish out of the water.
Tears threatened with spilling themselves from his eyes, but Severus couldn't afford a breakdown with Lucius' elf in the house and having to go back to Lily any moment now, so he struggled to compose himself and restore some semblance of order inside him. Breathing exercises and Occlumency helped with that, although the mental shields he managed to erect were so brittle that the slightest emotional breeze could knock them down.
Severus must never lose control like this again. He could not allow his emotions to rule him, and he especially must remember that in her current situation Lily had every right to despise him and lash out in response to his cruel treatment. She wasn't reacting to his real self but to his dark persona, a twisted Death Eater next to whom even James Potter looked like a bloody saint. Hearing her say that he would never be half the man than that jerk had been had hit him hard because it was something she had obviously thought before all of this —else she wouldn't have chosen Potter over him—, but Severus should have still remained calm at least on the inside. He had to be better than the vindictive bastard with zero tolerance for anything Potter that he was pretending to be, even if in reality his tolerance for Potter wasn't much higher than zero and part of him truly wanted to punish Lily for having married that asshole.
Not feeling much better than fifteen minutes ago, Severus finally stood up and walked out of that haunted room, almost stumbling with the damn house-elf waiting for him outside the door.
"What?" he snapped. "I seem to recall you were instructed to stay out of my way when I'm here, elf, must I expect you to always obey instructions this well?"
"Dobby is sorry, sir!" squeaked the creature, wringing its hands nervously and hunching over in obvious anticipation of a punishment. "Dobby was just wondering if he should prepare a midnight snack for Miss Lily, sir. Dobby is worried that she hasn't eaten enough today, but Master Snape hasn't given permission to offer Miss Lily anything after eight at night."
Severus sighed.
"No, a midnight snack is not necessary, Dobby," he said. "I will give Miss Lily a nutrition potion tonight, and tomorrow she will eat breakfast normally. Make sure to wake her up for every meal, but stay out of her sight as much as possible."
"Yes, sir! Dobby will take good care of Miss Lily, you is not need to worry!"
Severus rubbed his temples and tried hard not to lash out at the creature for giving him a headache with its enthusiastic vocalizations and for being so pathetic as to be happy to serve the human who was forcing it to punish itself.
"I will give Miss Lily a bath now," he informed the elf. "Use the time to change her sheets and make her bed, and bring upstairs the medical kit I keep in my lab before fixing the mess in that other room. That is all, dismissed."
Once the creature had popped away —after uttering some additional squeaking—, Severus went into the bathroom and spent a few minutes modifying the bathtub to his satisfaction, then he filled it with water at the right temperature and cast a charm to keep it from cooling before going back to the bedroom. Lily was still lying under the desk, but she didn't seem to be crying anymore, her motionless body making Severus remember with horror that he had nearly strangled her tonight before raping her.
She flinched and curled in on herself more tightly when he knelt by her side and touched her, her defensive reaction the radical opposite from the way she had arched her back when she had come apart for him last night. Severus couldn't quite comprehend how or why he had gone from making love to Lily to doing this to her in only twenty-four hours.
It was obvious that all she wanted at this moment was for her rapist to leave her alone, but Severus didn't want to leave things like this, and there was still certain issue he needed to address, so he scooped her up and carried her to the bathroom. Once there he put her down and made her stand while he slowly slid her nightshirt up her body, finding to his conflicted relief that instead of resisting Lily helpfully lifted her arms to facilitate the removal of the garment. Severus hated to see the defeat in her eyes, and it wrenched his heart the idea of extinguishing the fire inside her, but he desperately hoped she would not force him to hurt her any further. As his eyes roamed over her naked body taking painful notice of the finger marks around her neck and the evidences of having been roughly fucked against a desk, he wished she would just accept her situation and remain subdued at least in appearance so they could get through this without so much violence.
"In the tub," he instructed when he realized she was shivering.
As Lily obediently climbed into the bathtub, Severus began undressing himself, starting with taking off his robes and boots but hesitating before removing his shirt too. He only ever got completely naked in front of certain muggle women who would not judge nor comment on his scars and whom he could obliviate afterwards if necessary, and after all these years he still didn't want Lily to know what his father had done to him... But at the same time he wanted to share all of him with her, and some resentful part of him did want her to see what she had failed to notice at the time, so he self-consciously removed his shirt before proceeding to take off his trousers.
Lily watched him warily as he undressed, plainly more concerned by what he might be planning to do to her than by the sight of his mildly scarred chest and abdomen —the real mess was his back, and he would not let her see that today—, but she averted her eyes when his manhood was revealed. Severus realized that so far she had only felt it, and regretted that her first direct glimpse of the best part of him occurred when he was flaccid, but he figured she would have plenty opportunities to see him in all his glory in the near future. Not that it would warm her up towards him, of course, Lily must despise every single bit of him, and after all the pain that particular bit had caused her no doubt she would try to chew it off if he ever gave her the chance.
Finally Severus cast a climatizing charm in the bathroom and put away his wand before climbing into the enlarged tub with Lily, who immediately retreated to the opposite side looking at him as if he were a shark.
"Come here," he said softly when he had settled comfortably on his side.
She didn't obey at once, but Severus waited patiently, watching the struggle in her anguished eyes, until at last she resigned herself to her fate and brought her beautiful body closer to him. He cupped her frightened face in his hands once she was within his reach, assaulted by an overwhelming urge to devour her mouth, but he contented himself with turning her around and pulling her against him. It was definitely creepy for a rapist to hold his victim naked in a tub like this, but that was precisely why he could afford it, and it offered the additional advantage of allowing him to drop his feeble Occlumency barriers and be himself as he held her without risk of Lily spotting the difference on his face.
Wrapping his arms around her belly and chest, Severus closed his eyes and enjoyed the closest thing to a hug he could afford with Lily. His cock was already beginning to harden again, pulsing with growing eagerness against her lower back, but he ignored it even though there were plenty things he would like to do to Lily in this scenario. Severus had dissolved some palliative salts into the water and regulated the temperature so it wouldn't be too hot for her abraded intimate area, but no doubt she was in pain and it would be cruel to take her again so soon after having just raped her brutally.
He took a deep breath and tried to relax, which was not an easy thing to do when he held a stiff body between his arms. With an aching heart, Severus raised his right arm and gently massaged the spot under her left ear in an attempt to soothe her.
"It doesn't have to be like this, Lily," he whispered, echoing her words from earlier. "I can be good to you."
She didn't say anything in response, but her breathing became laboured and Severus felt sure that tears must be falling down her face. He let his hand slide down to the base of her throat and held her tightly against him, wishing she could find comfort instead of misery in his arms.
While she cried silently, his thoughts went back to Lily's initial reception that night. He had been surprized to say the least at her apparent willingness, and even though no doubt she had just been plotting something Severus couldn't shake off the silly idea that she had been aroused and that there had been true feeling in her eyes.
We can be together for real, like last night.
Had she meant that? Surely not. Lily had just been trying to seduce him so he would let her go or at least lower his guard like he had foolishly done last night. Clearly his emotional lapse hadn't gone unnoticed and she had caught a glimpse of the real Severus when he was making love to her, giving her the idea that she could use that manipulate him. And he had to admit that if he had never changed sides and he were doing this for real after having truly asked for her as a reward Severus probably would have succumbed to her eyes and renounced the Dark Lord on the spot in exchange for the promise of being together for real.
Last night it hadn't been real for Lily, he would be the biggest fool if he believed otherwise, but he still couldn't get out of his mind the look in her eyes when she had reached out and tried to touch him. Severus definitely had not expected her to take the initiative, and he couldn't help to wonder what she would have done if he had allowed her to go on. Would she have kissed him on her own free will? How actively she would have tried to seduce him? He hadn't had his wand on him this time, and Lily had known that, so Severus assumed she had intended to go all the way without getting anything out of it but pleasure and the remote possibility of winning his trust.
He wanted to punch himself for having put an end to her obvious plotting instead of going along with it. How many times would she have willingly slept with him until she realized that her seduction plan wasn't going to work? Would she have opted for continuing joining him willingly even after giving up on the idea of escaping or persuading him to let her go?
It was maddening to think that tonight he could have made love to a willing Lily instead of raping her until she lost the will to fight, but he hadn't really had a choice on the matter. Not only it would be despicable to take advantage of her like that, if the Dark Lord came to check her mind and saw that Severus had been making sweet love to Lily every night instead of cruelly subjugating her as expected he might get suspicious or at least bored and might decide to give Lily to someone more willing to torment her. It had been risky enough to make love to her last night, especially if she had sensed his real self and suspected that he wasn't just obsessed with her —the Dark Lord considered love an inacceptable weakness in his subjects—, he couldn't make a habit of that even if she asked for it.
This was turning out to be a lot harder and more complicated than he had envisioned. Much as he wanted her to fall for him and to come to him willingly, he couldn't afford not to be hated by her and he had to make sure she came to him because he willed her to come. It was a very delicate balance he was aiming for, and he feared it might not be possible to achieve it, that he might be fooling himself thinking that he could establish a dominant/submissive relationship with Lily in which she was miserable enough to satisfy the Dark Lord but not miserable enough to make her wish for death every day. Would she be smart enough to fake her submissiveness and not let him crush her spirit for real? Such pretence no doubt would be instantly detected by the Dark Lord if he invaded her mind, but Severus was pretty sure that his master would find it amusing and more entertaining than rendering her truly submissive so they could probably afford it.
What if Lily never submitted, though? His latest assault had left her subdued, but Severus doubted it would last, and he worried that she might defy him and provoke him every time he came to see her. He didn't think he could stomach it nor trust himself to do this if he had to rape her brutally or trash her every day.
Heaving a sigh and giving up on the attempt to get Lily to relax, Severus recomposed his mental shields and turned her around again, making her sit astride him and sliding forward so there was room for her legs behind him. The new position drove his cock mad with anticipation and made Lily tense in obvious fear, but Severus ignored both reactions as well as his desire to kiss her and just held her in place while he ran a wet hand through her still mostly dry hair.
"I don't like to hurt you, Lily," he told her earnestly. "I don't want to have to punish you every time I come to see you."
"I don't want you to hurt me either," she whispered, her tearful green eyes almost undoing him with their destructive power.
"Then behave," he said harshly. "I warned you that there would be consequences if you raised your hand against me, disrespect me, disobeyed me or mentioned Potter again, and you did all those things tonight. You left me no choice but to punish you, do you understand that?"
Tears rolled down Lily's face.
"Do you understand?" he repeated, digging his fingers hard into her flesh.
"Y-Yes," she cried.
"Understand too that your punishment should have been much more severe, and that I will not be so lenient if you defy me or provoke me again," he added sternly. Severus gently wiped the tears from her cheeks and continued in a softer tone, "This doesn't have to be so painful for you, Lily. I will be good to you if you are good. I will protect you, take care of all your needs, give you pleasure and children for you to love." He grabbed her face with both hands and forced her to meet his eyes. "Our child might be already growing inside you right now, Lily."
He felt her panic at the idea that she might have already conceived, saw her making quick calculations and realizing that she must be around the fertile days of her cycle, memories of all the times Severus had spilled himself inside her without having taken any contraception measures filling her horrified mind. Lily's desperation escalated as conjured up images of herself going through a pregnancy and bringing an unwanted child to the world while locked up inside this room overwhelmed her, and Severus felt her wish she had managed to drown herself in the bathtub. Everything went chaotic after that, so he withdrew from her mind and made sure his face didn't betray his own turmoil before considering what he had seen.
Clearly she wasn't thrilled by the idea of carrying his child, but that was expected if still hurtful. More encouraging was that she believed possible she might have conceived already, and that all her fears focused around Severus being the one to impregnate her.
"If there is any chance that you might be already carrying another Potter brat, however," he said in a warning, dangerous low voice, again locking eyes with her. "I would advise you to tell me now."
It was a lot harder to watch this time. Potter was everywhere inside her mind, fucking her in numerous positions and locations, caressing her pregnant belly, holding their newborn child, whispering in her ear that he wanted to make another baby with her. It was hell, and Severus seriously considered the possibility that Lily might be calling all those memories to the front of her mind to intentionally hurt him.
"There is no chance," she said sadly.
Severus felt enraged enough to rape her again after everything he had seen, his fingers digging hard into her face as his cock jerked threateningly below her, but he kept watching, and saw several arguments between Lily and Potter breaking through the unbearable show of marital bliss. Apparently Potter had wanted to expand the family as soon as possible so there wouldn't be too much age difference between the brothers or sisters, but Lily had remained adamant in not having any more children until the war was over. She had won the argument every time, and she was certain that she could not be pregnant with another Potter brat, but she seemed to have trusted the jerk to cast the contraception charm instead of brewing a potion herself.
"You better be sure, Lily," he growled, withdrawing from her mind and wishing not for the first time that he could perform Occlumency with his lower head as well so as to control his sexual impulses —and by extension a big portion of his anger— more effectively. "Because if you give birth to a child that looks anything like James Potter, I promise you it will end up stuck in a glass jar covered with pickling solution, like the last one."
Guilt and remorse threatened with collapsing Severus' mental structures when he saw the nauseated expression contorting Lily's face, so he forcefully occluded against those emotions and told himself that, while it had been cruel to tell her about the glass jar, it was better if she knew since the Dark Lord no doubt would eventually show Lily her pickled child and the sight would hit her a lot harder if she wasn't prepared.
"How could you, Severus? My baby was innocent!" cried Lily, her eyes clouded by tears and her body shaking convulsively. Her grief once more broke through Severus' Occlumency shields, making his stomach twist with guilt and forcing him to occlude more brutally against everything except anger. "He was just a baby... my little boy... how could you?"
"How could you, Lily?" he retorted harshly, closing one hand around her bruised neck. "Of all the men in the world you could have betrayed me with, why Potter? How could you have done that to me? Were you looking for the best way to hurt me?"
Severus was in strict control of himself now, but the anger was real, and the question was one that had been reverberating inside him for years.
"I never meant to hurt you," said Lily, fear and guilt joining grief in her eyes. "I swear, it had nothing to with you, I-"
"It had EVERYTHING to do with me!" he roared. "You think Potter would have gotten obsessed with you if you had not been mine to steal? Are you that naive? Do you imagine he wasn't thinking of me when he took your maidenhead?!" True hate filled Severus' heart and spread through his entire body, but his mind remained firmly in control. "He ambushed me in a bathroom the next day and told me all about it, you know. I can tell you what exact day in seventh year he fucked you for the first time and what colour your underwear was that day if you don't believe me. I know you cried, Lily, Potter was laughing when he told me. I know why he did it, but how could you, Lily? How could you give yourself to that asshole? How could you marry him?"
Lily was the image of horror, and Severus' feeling of betrayal was slightly assuaged by the sudden certainty that she had never known or wanted to see the real James Potter. He was still angry at her, but it was less conflicting to think that she had naively fallen for Potter's deceitful charm than that she had loved the jerk knowing how rotten he was and being aware of every nasty thing he had done.
Not really wanting to hear what excuses Lily might try to give in response to his accusations, and definitely not wanting confirmation of the underwear she was wearing that day nor of anything else Potter had bragged about, Severus roughly turned her around again and made her kneel between his legs with her back to him. His mind, not used to exert such brutal self-repression —not even under the Dark Lord's dangerous scrutiny—, practically collapsed in relief when he dropped his rigid Occlumency walls and allowed himself to process his emotions.
He would not use Legilimency on Lily again unless he absolutely had to, he decided as he knelt behind her and summoned a jug to rinse her hair —his knees appreciating the cushioning charm he had cast on the bottom of the bathtub earlier. Watching Potter fucking Lily was too much for him, he shouldn't have risked it again when giving her Veritaserum and interrogating her would have rendered the same information without the unbearable images attached to it. He shouldn't have even bothered to find out and just given her the anti-implantation potion blindly. Now he wasn't sure what to do, since despite Lily's certainty he wasn't as convinced as she was that Potter had honoured their agreement and not tried to get her pregnant again without her consent or knowledge.
Severus carefully poured water over Lily's head and soaked her hair thoroughly before applying a generous measure of shampoo and beginning to gently massage her scalp while Lily cried. He had given her so many reasons to grieve that it was anyone's guess what was motivating her tears now, but he wanted to believe it was finding out that Potter had bragged and laughed about having taken her maidenhead, and despite his bitterness Severus felt the urge to take her in his arms and comfort her.
He had been a stubborn idiot. Severus should have done something to keep Lily away from Potter, to make her open her eyes and see the jerk for what he really was, to warn her and protect her from him. Instead he had just watched angrily from afar and let that anger drag him deeper into the darkness while Potter charmed her and fucked her all around the school. Severus hadn't even tried to talk to Lily after that day in fifth year when she had refused to accept his apology; absorbed in his misery and resentment, he hadn't said another word to her nor met her eyes again until two days ago. He had been sure back then that it was over, and for a while he had done his best to convince himself that it was better that way since associating with a Mudblood would have interfered with his goals and Lily would have never accepted the path he wanted to take. Stupid. Severus should have fought for her. He should have realized sooner that nothing the Dark Lord had to offer was worth losing Lily over it. He should have listened to her and stayed away from Mulciber and Avery, asked Dumbledore for help sooner even if he was a bastard, told someone about his father. So many things he should have done differently. But at the time he hadn't felt he had any choice but to do what he had done, he had been so alone and trapped in his internal hell while trapped in an infernal house and life...
He needed to forgive Lily, he realized as he finished rinsing the shampoo from her hair and summoned the conditioner. His Death Eater persona had of course been lying when he had told her that she had been forgiven for the offense of marrying James Potter, and no doubt his master would expect him to perpetually punish her for that—especially if she kept provoking him like today—, but his real self should be better than that.
Severus had been angry with Lily for so long, for turning her back on him in fifth year and for giving herself to Potter of all people, but he couldn't really blame her for anything. He had failed her. After all the mistakes he had made and all the terrible things he had done, he really had no right to judge her, and he would never deserve her forgiveness if he wasn't capable of forgiveness himself.
Lily remained extra-subdued for the rest of her bath, and stood quietly wrapped in a towel while he re-dressed after casting a quick drying charm on himself. Severus could feel her eyes on him, but he made sure not to meet hers again to avoid any further challenges to his wobbly mental defences. Eager to put Lily to bed and return to Hogwarts, he finally dried her hair with a wave of his wand and took her back to the bedroom, where he made her sit at the edge of the recently made bed. She gulped down the pain reliever and the nutrition potion he gave her without a fuss nor even asking what the potions were for, and stayed still while he applied bruise balm on her neck and thighs before making her perch on his knee to gently rub the healing salve between her legs.
"Please don't," whispered Lily feebly when he had been massaging the area for several seconds, one of her hands closing around his wrist and trying to stop his movements. "No more tonight, please."
Severus paused and took a deep breath. Damn. Now he had no choice but to fuck her again before flooing away. He hoped she would learn quickly not to beg for anything unless she wanted to achieve the opposite of what she was begging for.
He eyed the chains that Dobby had left neatly arranged at the end of the bed, but he didn't have the energy nor was in the mood for that anymore. He also couldn't allow himself to make love to her again, even though he felt vulnerable enough to do just that. His cock of course was up for anything that involved getting inside her again, and it was that what helped him overcome his reluctance and get the rest of him on board too.
Misery distorted Lily's face when in answer to her plea Severus pulled down his trousers again, but she didn't present any more objections and resignedly let herself be positioned astride him on his lap.
"Put your hands on my shoulders," he commanded as he coated his fully erected member with healing salve. Lily looked plainly disgusted when she realized what he was doing, but she would be grateful for the lubrication in a moment, not to mention that she would feel a lot better afterwards if he rubbed the salve internally too. "You have my permission to touch me, Lily," he added once he was ready to go, closing one hand around her ribs and sneaking the other under her left thigh to lift her, "and you have my leave to slap me, scratch me or throttle me if you wish."
She looked at him with confusion that was replaced by pain when without further ado Severus lifted her up and slowly let her descend over him, his slick cock sliding inch by inch into heaven until all that made sense to him was to die and stay there forever. He held her firmly in place once he was entirely buried inside her, basking in the warmth of Lily's snug shelter, until his impatient cock urged him to keep moving. Lifting her up again until only the head remained inside, he pushed her down once more, enjoying the sensation of stretching and filling her up while Lily whimpered softly and her fingers clutched his shoulders hard.
"I meant it, Lily," he said grabbing one of her hands and placing it over the cheek she had viciously slapped earlier. "I know you want to hurt me, you're allowed to do it now. Make me feel your pain and your anger, I won't punish you for it this time."
Tears ran down her face as he began to fuck her slowly, rubbing her pliable body up and down his cock as he rolled his pelvis to meet her in heaven every time. She didn't slap him nor tried to claw his eyes out, thankfully, but after several terrified seconds she did hesitantly close her hands around his neck, her fingers pressing harder and harder with each precise thrust. Severus closed his eyes to her anguish and enjoyed the sensation of nails digging into his flesh as she put pressure on his trachea, wishing he could die this way, fucking Lily until she choked the life out of him. As he had suspected, however, she didn't have it in her, and his throat was released almost immediately when his respiratory difficulty became evident. When one of Lily's hands moved up to roughly pull his hair instead while the other clawed the side of his neck and dug a thumb in his jaw, Severus wondered if she had any idea of how much more pleasurable she was making this for him, and intensified his efforts to make it pleasurable for her as well despite any residual pain she might be experiencing. Not that it was hard at all to make her come. Lily's body was so easy to manoeuvre and so unbelievably responsive that he could almost deceive himself into thinking that she wanted to be fucked by him even after everything he had done to her.
He gasped when Lily almost tore his hair out at the peak of her orgasm, the delicious pain combined with her rippling walls sending him over the edge soon after and leaving him in a daze with her slack body slumped against him.
She was barely conscious and tears were still rolling down her cheeks when he gently laid her down on the bed and tucked her in. Severus stayed by her side watching her for a long time after she had fallen asleep, wondering whether it had been wise or cruel to do what he had just done instead of simply restraining her. He had expected her to make better use of his blank permission to hurt him, to get back at him for brutally raping her earlier, but she hadn't displayed a hundredth part of the violent rage she had exhibited before. Could it be that she still didn't hate him, or was she just too afraid of him? Had he unintentionally broken the resolution he had made only hours ago?
Would Lily remain subdued from now on, or would her defiant nature reemerge the next time he forced her to kneel at his feet? Would he be able to keep his darkness at bay if she provoked him and forced him to go brutal on her again? How the hell was he going to do this for years or decades? Would things ever settle, or would it always be an emotionally draining struggle to visit her?
Severus rubbed his face, exhausted. It had only been two days, and he was already in desperate need of a break. Who would have thought he would ever be considering excuses to fuck Lily less often?