Chapter 11
Lily was confused when, right in the middle of it, Severus abruptly stopped and went away. She had seen him wince as if he were in pain, but his thrusts had been smooth and she hadn't felt anything wrong down there so she didn't understand what could have hurt him. Or maybe it hadn't been pain what had made him lose his rhythm? He had seemed reluctant to get off her, and he had re-dressed and left the room in a hurry, so perhaps he had just remembered something urgent that he had to do and that apparently couldn't wait ten seconds until he was finished.
She should be glad that he had gone away, and she was, but some shameful part of her wished he hadn't stopped at that precise moment and left her feeling unwillingly frustrated. If she hadn't seen the frustration in his own eyes she would have thought that he had stopped on purpose, to torment her, but Lily was certain that that wasn't the case. Besides, the fact that he had left her tied up suggested that he intended to come back and pick up where he had left off, and everything so far indicated that he wanted her to enjoy, so she most likely would not go to sleep frustrated.
It wasn't as if she had never been left unsatisfied, in any case, and sexual frustration was not something she should be complaining about in her current situation. Lily shouldn't be even thinking about something so trivial right now, and she definitely shouldn't be hoping for Severus to take care of that particular need nor appreciating how good he was at it.
It was true, though. Severus really knew how to use his body to make hers respond however he wanted. Lily wasn't really surprized, since he had always been a perfectionist and had never been satisfied with being less than the very best at anything he attempted. She could imagine him reading all the books about sex in existence and then practicing to exhaustion until he mastered the art, and even though she shouldn't care at all about his sex life she couldn't help to be bothered by that thought. Just like it bothered her the thought that he might be engaging in threesomes with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy whenever he wasn't fucking her.
He really was a hypocrite, punishing her for having opened her legs for someone else when he clearly had opened plenty legs himself and would continue to do so while Lily was stuck here giving birth to his children. Although she had the horrible feeling that he might have saved himself for her right until the moment James had informed him that she hadn't saved herself for him, a possibility that made her feel awfully guilty and disloyal even though she hadn't had any reason at the time to think that Severus would care at all.
She wondered if he would have been faithful if she had never dated James and ended up with him instead. Would she have been enough for him, or would he have sought other women if Lily had not shared this bonding fetish of his? Would she have consented to be tied up and gagged if he had proposed it? She didn't like to feel so helpless and vulnerable, but Lily had trusted Severus unconditionally once, and it seemed like she could have trusted him to handle her body too, so perhaps she would have agreed to try. If he had ever left her like this, though —naked, tied up and frustrated—, she most definitely would have never consented again.
Would Severus have ever agreed to being restrained? That was highly unlikely. The other day he had given her permission to touch and hurt him and he had seemed to enjoy it, but he had still been in firm control of the situation and could have broken her hold at any moment. Lily felt certain that he would have never trusted her enough to surrender control and lie there completely vulnerable and helpless, which was sad and possibly the reason why it would have never worked out between them.
Lily's mind went back to that last time the other day. It had felt good to be able to physically express some of the pain she was feeling, to have some control for once even if it was just an illusion, but it had been too conflicting to have permission to unleash her rage on him and realize that she didn't really want to hurt him. She had been sure after the last brutal rape that she was done being confused about Severus and that she would not feel anything but loathing and disgust towards him from then on, but just like it had happened the first time she had been unable to hold on to her resentment and after their bath the other day she was more confused and conflicted than ever.
Severus was screwing with her head to such degree that she sometimes caught herself thinking that he was justified to punish her and that she was to blame for any mistreatment she received. Lily had pretty much asked for it the last time he had raped her, for example, deliberately breaking every single rule he had established and provoking him with that hurtful comment about James, and while being brutally raped had been horrible she couldn't help to think that Severus had indeed been lenient with her. She had been expecting a much more severe punishment, fearing to be hit with the chains or tortured with the Cruciatus, but instead Severus had only raped her and later he had been considerate enough to lubricate his member with healing salve before taking her again.
Lily shook her head at herself, disgusted and appalled by her own thoughts. How could she be thinking so outrageous things like that he had 'only raped her' or that he had been 'considerate' of her abused private parts when abusing her again? Completely fucked-up. And confusing. What Severus was doing to her was sick, but she couldn't help to feel that he cared about her and that he truly didn't want to physically hurt her. Even though he had raped her, struck her and nearly strangled her a few times, it was clear that he preferred not to and that he would only resource to violence if Lily disobeyed or provoked him, which made it her fault.
She was a mess. Severus kept confusing her with his mixed treatment of cruelty and gentleness, brutality and care, pain and pleasure. Sometimes he seemed a ruthless Death Eater that hated her, others just a resentful Severus that loved her, making impossible for her to make up her mind and heart about him. She was torn between wanting to hug him and apologize to him, and wanting to slap him and try to escape again. Sometimes she felt that she deserved all of this and that maybe she should submit to Severus if that's what he needed from her, and others she was ashamed for not hating the man who had plotted to get her baby killed and made a pet of her.
And then there was the James mess inside her. Lily still felt ashamed for experiencing any kind of pleasure when she should be grieving full-time, but she no longer felt so guilty about betraying James with Severus and some dark part of her even wanted to hurt James that way.
She knew that she shouldn't trust anything that Severus said about James, since he plainly wanted her to forget her husband and might say anything to try to make her hate him, but she knew in her gut that it hadn't been a lie what he had said the other day. And much as Lily wanted to ignore it, she just couldn't. Hearing that James had bragged about taking her maidenhead, and especially that he had laughed about her crying, had made her feel as if she had just been a conquest, and it had brought back the fears and doubts that had made her cry that day, that strong feeling of wrongness and loss that she knew deep down had had everything to do with Severus. Some part of her had still been clinging to that certainty she had had since she had first learned about sex that her first time would be with Severus, and she still had not been completely sure about James, so it had been a bit traumatic to find herself doing it without having even realized that it was about to happen. James had known that she wanted to wait, but he had persuaded her to at least do things that didn't involve penetration, so their private encounters had become rather hot and Lily had gradually agreed to lift some limitations. She had trusted James to respect the ultimate frontier, but one day he had just... trespassed it.
She wanted to curl into a ball and cry again when she remembered that moment, the panic she had felt when James had suddenly pulled aside her drenched knickers and buried himself to the hilt inside her. She could remember the pain, the guilt, the horror. Lily had desperately tried to push him off her, but James had instead began to move arguing that it was already done so they might as well continue, assuring her that he could cast the contraceptive charm while he was inside so it would be safe. He had been so excited and his pleasure had been so obvious that she had let him go on, afraid that he would resent her if she didn't, but for her it had been like being trapped in a nightmare the entire time, and when it had finally been over and James had withdrawn his satisfied penis she had started to cry inconsolably at the feel of semen leaking from her.
Lily had blamed herself for that awful first time more than she had blamed James, since she shouldn't have agreed to the foreplay nor allowed him to get so close unless she was ready to go all the way, and like a naive fool she had believed him when he had said that it had been an accident, that some basic instinct had taken over him and he had been inside her before he had realized what he was doing. Now she was sure that he had done it on purpose, and she felt sick at the thought that he had been in a rush to claim her maidenhead because he had wanted to brag about it to Severus before they graduated.
She knew that she would have lost her virginity eventually, and most likely with James seeing how things had been going between them and considering that Severus had completely ignored her since the day she had refused to forgive him for calling her a Mudblood, but Lily had regretted back then that the decision had been made for her, and now she was out right pissed. Because it had been a very important event for her, an irreversible act that had committed her to her relationship with James and forced her to finally give up on the persistent idea of Severus and her, and it should have been her choice.
More than the circumstances surrounding the loss of her virginity, though, what had triggered her current crisis had been learning that James had ambushed Severus in a bathroom to tell him all about it.
After the incident by the lake at the end of fifth year Lily had refused to speak a single word to James or share a worktable with him for a very long time, and she would have likely never acknowledged his existence again if he hadn't cornered her one day in sixth year and sincerely apologized for having been a jerk since day one. That hadn't been enough to convince her to try and be friends, though, Lily had told him that she wouldn't even consider to forgive him or tolerate him unless he promised never to bully anyone, and especially Severus, ever again. James had promised, and that promise had been the foundation of their entire relationship, so finding out that in seventh year, when they were already together, James had ambushed Severus in a bathroom and tormented him with tales of how he had taken Lily's maidenhead felt like a monstrous betrayal.
While James had always been charming, funny and attractive, it hadn't been any of that but his will to become a better person what had made her slowly fall for him. She had been highly skeptical at first when he had vowed to stop being a toerag, but her skepticism had gradually worn off as he had consistently demonstrated that he was committed to improve himself, and knowing that she had inspired the change had softened her heart towards him. By seventh year James had seemed a completely different person than the arrogant bully he had been in fifth year, his reformation so drastic that he had been made Head Boy despite not being a Prefect, and while Lily knew that he and Severus had engaged in a few more fights James had sworn every time that it had been Severus and his creepy friends that had attacked first.
If what Severus had told her was true, though, then James had lied to her, broken the most elemental of his promises, and faked his reformation in addition to having intentionally taken her maidenhead without her consent. A list of crimes that suggested that at least while in Hogwarts he had never truly changed and that he might have been a worse person than she had thought even in fifth year.
She tried to scratch her nose rubbing it against her left arm. How long had she been waiting already? Fifteen minutes? Half an hour? More? Lily was shivering, and she was beginning to fear Severus would not come back to finish his business and untie her. Annoyed because he hadn't told her when or if he would return, she finally decided to stop waiting like an idiot and took advantage of the fact that Severus had only restrained her arms to wiggle her body under the blankets. It would be uncomfortable to sleep like this, but at least this time she could turn on her side —both her wrists were tied together instead of each to a different post— and raise her knees to her chest for warmth.
Snuggled in her new position, Lily let her tears flow. She kept telling herself that James had changed, matured, become a man she was proud to have been married to, and part of her was certain that he truly had been that man at the moment of his death, but doubt was eating away at her heart and she couldn't help to question everything.
What else had James lied about? She could no longer trust anything that he had said or promised, so perhaps he had lied about never having cheated on her too. Lily had suspected a few times, and she had once overheard a conversation during an Order meeting that had led her to confront James about it, but he had sworn over their unborn child that he had never been unfaithful and had said he was willing to take Veritaserum to prove it so she had finally believed him. Now she was thinking she should have taken him up on the Veritaserum offer and made sure he wasn't a cheating bastard.
Lily wiped her tears on the pillow and looked for a drier spot to rest her face on. Could it be true that James had only chased after her because he had known that she was important to Severus? She didn't want to believe it, but it felt true in her gut, and she felt so stupid for having played right into his hand. It had never made sense that someone like James, who had had plenty girls drooling after him and whose wealthy pureblood family had had high expectations of him, had been so determined to win over the one Muggle-born girl who absolutely despised him. Lily had thought his interest and perseverance flattering —if annoying until sixth year— and she had taken it as an indicator of how strong his feelings were for her, but if she put her naiveté aside she had to admit that it had been more an indicator of obsession. She had thought that his resolution to become a person worthy of her attention was evidence that he truly loved her, but if he had faked the change then she wasn't even sure she had known who James was and even less if his professed feelings had been real.
Had James been a mistake, like Severus had said? Lily had loved him, and she had been happy with him, but she had to admit that she had never felt completely right with James and that her happiness had derived mostly from their family and from their shared child. And seeing how much havoc was wreaking inside her what Severus had told her, she feared that their marriage would not have survived this crisis. James no doubt would have defended himself saying that he had been an idiot as a teenager and would have tried to convince her that he was no longer that jerk, but Lily wasn't sure she could have forgiven him for having deceived her while at Hogwarts even if he had truly changed eventually. At the very least she could no longer have trusted anything he said or promised unless he had taken Veritaserum or made an Unbreakable Vow.
Lily couldn't regret having married James even if it had been a mistake, since their son had come out of it and Harry had been the best thing that had happened to her in her life, but she wondered how long their happiness would have lasted and what she would have done if she had found out that James wasn't really the man she had thought he was. Would she have left him? The prospect of raising a child on her own in the middle of a war without her parents to help her nor any resources worth mentioning would no doubt have been daunting, but Lily couldn't imagine herself staying with someone she couldn't trust nor respect. Would James have allowed her to take his son away from him, though? And what about Severus? Would he have still sent Voldemort after her son and claimed her as a reward if she had left her husband?
Lily was suffering. Because she still missed James terribly, but not only she had lost him forever, her love for him had been infected by doubt and mistrust. She also felt betrayed by Sirius and Remus —and Peter, of course, the treacherous rat—, all of whom must have known that James —no doubt with Sirius' help— had never stopped bullying Severus. It particularly hurt that Remus, who was her close friend too and knew that she cared about Severus, might have covered for James and not warned her if he was deceiving her or cheating on her.
To make things even worse, she was beginning to question whether she had ever truly been in love with James or if she had convinced herself that she was. After having lost her virginity with him Lily had desperately needed to believe that it hadn't been a mistake, so she had eagerly clung to James' assurance that it had been right because they were in love, and she had been further reassured when the second time they had had sex it had felt like making love. Their relationship had become more serious from then on, and everything had been good, Lily had enjoyed the sex, the fun, the company, the reliability, the plans for the future. Sometimes she had felt that it wasn't enough, that there was something missing, but instead of questioning herself whether James was the wrong person she had tried to make things better between them, to be a better girlfriend or wife, to make him a better boyfriend or husband, to grow up and readjust her idea of how relationships were supposed to be, to redefine her idea of love, to expect less and tolerate more. All her hard work had paid off and led to a happy home filled with love, but she was now beginning to suspect that the only true element in their little family had been Harry. James seemed to have been a nasty liar who had deceived her from the start, and Lily had deceived herself as well, although she had not fully realized until four days ago when she had made love with Severus and felt what she had been missing all along.
Snuggled in her uncomfortable position, Lily fell asleep for the third night in a row turning all these anguishing thoughts and feelings inside her. Wishing James were still alive so she could confront him, but fearing to know for sure that it had all been a lie. Wanting to think that their love had been real, but at the same time sort of relieved that her heart had never been completely committed to him. Craving the connection she had felt with Severus the other night, but knowing that it hadn't been real for him.
And grieving over her dead baby, always. Harry was the one part of her life she was not conflicted nor confused about, her love for him absolutely pure and true, his place in her heart indisputable.
His murder the one thing she would never be able to forgive Severus for.
It was dark when something woke her up. Lily blinked in confusion, trying to understand what was going on, but before she could even remember where she was her legs were forced open and something heavy settled between her thighs. Next thing hands took firm hold of her body and she was roughly penetrated by a huge object that forced its way deep inside her knocking the air out of her lungs. It didn't hurt as much as she would have expected, but it was a shock for her sleeping body to be awoken so brutally, and it was an even greater shock for her senses the smell. The person on top of her stank, so much that Lily would have feared it wasn't Severus —he always smelled clean and good— if she hadn't recognized the size and feel of him inside her as he began to pound into her so hard and fast that he seemed intent on breaking her apart.
It wasn't a man assaulting her helpless body, but a beast acting on instinct. Primitive, basic, unstoppable. His thrusts weren't measured nor calculated as they had been before, but they were even more effective in their bestiality and Lily felt the pressure of an imminent orgasm building up with each vicious lunge, the strong smell of male sweat oddly turning her on rather than off. Just when she was getting close, though, Severus' rhythm changed, his thrusts became faster and more savage, and a long stream of guttural, extremely arousing sounds vibrated out of his throat as he came.
Lily didn't think she had ever felt so frustrated as she felt when Severus collapsed over her. In that moment, she couldn't understand how she could have ever complained about being forced to climax against her will as if that were torture. She would very much rather live with the shame and go to hell than being left hanging like this one more time.
Since he wasn't going to be of any use, Lily wished he would hurry to get his stinking body off her and hopefully untie her so she could go back to sleep or maybe work out her frustration herself after he left. When he removed himself from her and a dim light illuminated the room, though, her mind was distracted from any thoughts of sex by the sight of blood drenching his white shirt and spattering his face and hands, a sight that explained the most disturbing smell that had assaulted her senses as he fucked her.
"Get up," commanded Severus, pulling up his trousers and unfastening her leather cuffs with a flick of his wand.
Lily rubbed her wrists and sat up in bed, her eyes still fixed on his bloody figure. Was he hurt? She doubted someone could lose that much blood and not collapse during sex so wild, though, so it must not be his.
As Severus summoned the elf and commanded it to change her sheets and air the room, Lily's eyes fell on a familiar white mask with red finger prints on it lying next to her pillow, a shiver running down her spine when she saw it and realized what it meant. Voldemort must have called his Death Eaters tonight, and all that blood must be from innocent victims Severus had killed during a raid or attack, maybe even from some Order member...
"I said get up," he repeated harshly once he had finished giving his instructions to the elf. "Come."
Feeling nauseated, Lily climbed out of bed and followed him out of the room and into the bathroom, where she stood quietly in her designated corner while he filled the bathtub and cast several non-verbal spells on it. She climbed in when she was instructed to, and a moment later she was guiltily enjoying the glory of a hot bath after three days with no access to more water than the one in her basin and after an entire night —it was already dawn, judging by the pale light coming in through the window— spent restrained in her bed. Her arms and hands were particularly grateful for the warmth, and so were her stiff shoulders when she slid lower until most of her body was submerged.
She watched as Severus locked away his wand inside a cabinet before removing his bloody shirt and taking off his pants, her eyes following the hypnotizing motion of his pendulous member —which looked deceptively harmless when flaccid— as he climbed into the bathtub too. She avoided his gaze when he looked at her, hoping to be left alone on her side of the enlarged bathtub, and took the risk of submerging her head for a moment to enjoy the feel of hot water on her face and scalp. Mercifully Severus did not assume she was trying to kill herself nor said anything when she reemerged, so Lily relaxed as she returned to a sitting position and, having noticed before that he had smeared her thighs and hips with blood while he fucked her, she tried to rub it away under the water.
Her hand then moved to wash the semen between her legs, where she felt some soreness but surprizingly no pain nor burning. This, together with the memory of how smoothly Severus' brutal member had inserted itself inside her, made her suspect that he had again lubricated his cock with healing salve before assaulting her in her sleep.
"You are not allowed to pleasure yourself, Lily," said Severus suddenly, "not without my permission."
Lily removed her hand from between her legs, feeling embarrassed and annoyed.
"I wasn't doing that," she defended herself. As if she would let him watch!
"Nonetheless. You should know that I have instructed the elf to restrain you if you attempt to break this rule in my absence."
Lily felt disturbed and mortified at the thought that the elf was monitoring her so closely as to know if she touched herself under the sheets, and that the creature would probably have to punish itself for it too. She glared at Severus, who looked tired rather than mocking or cruel but no doubt was enjoying to restrict even more her control over her own body.
"Do not fear, Lily. Unless you require to be punished, I will always attend to your sexual needs," added Severus seriously. "Come here."
She didn't move at once. As usual when he gave simple commands, Severus' tone was sort of reassuring, like a promise that what he was saying was going to happen and everything would be all right as long as she cooperated, but sometimes it was harder than others to obey. The sight of all that blood that plainly didn't belong to him, for one, was a strong reminder of why she shouldn't want to go anywhere near him, and what he had just said made her feel as though she would be begging for sexual release if she went to him now. What conflicted her the most, though, was the pull she felt towards him despite the blood, and her secret hope that he would indeed relieve her frustration before going away.
It wasn't as if she had much of a choice, in any case —if she refused he might punish her and leave her in pain in addition to frustrated—, so after a brief hesitation Lily managed to overcome her half-hearted resistance and made her way to his side of the bathtub, feeling as if she were moving over a thick rug rather than hard porcelain due to the cushioning charm on the bottom.
Severus pulled her onto his lap when she reached him and positioned her kneeling astride him, this time resting over his legs rather than over his cock. The position would not easily allow penetration, since there wasn't space behind him to slid her legs or even her knees, so Lily wondered what he intended to do to her.
"Wash me," he commanded, waving a hand as he spoke to levitate the soap and a washcloth towards her.
Lily caught the soap before it got lost under the water and tried to hide her shameful disappointment while she fought against the part of her that wanted to refuse Severus' latest command. The fact that he had washed her the previous times made her feel that it was fair rather than humiliating to demand her to wash him now, but she feared Severus was being deliberately cruel assigning her this task, maybe finding some sick pleasure in forcing her to clean up the blood of innocent victims —or worse, of someone she knew. Torn between wanting to ask who he had killed and hoping he would not tell her, Lily finally rubbed some soap into the soaked washcloth and began to scrub the half-dried blood off his neck in resignation.
When Severus' eyes fluttered closed and his body relaxed under her ministrations, though, Lily's assumption about his evil motivations was challenged by the heart-wrenching suspicion that he just wanted to be touched. Severus had kept people at arm's length since he was a child, reacting badly to any unauthorized attempts to touch him and even resisting when she tried to hug him, but seeing him now Lily suspected that deep down he had always craved for physical contact. He had just never known how to ask for it nor how to accept it, and apparently it was still an issue for him.
As she gently brushed his jaw with the washcloth, she wondered if that's why he usually restrained her: to make sure he could control when and how he was touched. Why that was so important to him, Lily didn't know, she had never understood why he was the way he was, but considering the matter under this light made easier for her to accept being restrained and to respect his no-touch-without-permission rule. It also made her value this opportunity to touch him, even if it was at his command and while being his prisoner, since touching Severus was like an unsatisfied need she had had for most of her life. Of course her current self shouldn't want to touch him unless it was to slap him or strangle him, but this entire situation was making old feelings and repressed parts of her resurface so everything was mixed up inside her.
Lily finished cleaning his face and neck and rinsed the cloth again before moving on to his arms, which he helpfully lifted so she could wash his smelly armpits. Severus was a grown man with coarse black hair in all the expected places, but washing his body she couldn't help to be reminded of her baby, the lump in her throat turning painful when she realized that he had cast the same self-purifying charm that she used to cast on Harry's little tub so the water would stay clean all through the bath. Most of the time when she was with Severus she somehow managed to keep her grief over her dead baby locked away at the back of her mind, but there were moments, like this one, when she was brutally reminded of the fact that he was responsible for the death of her son, and her heart could barely handle it.
She was startled out of her anguished reverie when she reached the ugly tattoo Severus had on his left forearm and he flinched and pulled his arm away as if she had burned him. She waited, heart pounding, until he surrendered his arm again and indicated with a nod that she should continue even though the tension of his body suggested he was of two minds about it. Lily could have just skipped that sensitive segment of skin, but Severus seemed to have given her permission and even the order to touch it so she lathered her hands with soap —the cloth seemed too rough for the inflamed tattoo— and warily ran soft fingers over his forearm. She wasn't really surprized that he had branded a Dark Mark into his skin —although she would have expected him to get it in black or green rather than red—, but as she traced with revulsion the skull and the snake she felt deeply disappointed since she could remember how much he used to scorn Muggles who willingly branded their bodies as if they were animals. Who would have thought Petunia would end up being right about him being just the type to join a gang and tattoo skulls all over his body?
Severus relaxed again when Lily moved on from his forearm and began scrubbing the blood from his left hand that hadn't already been washed away on its own, memories of how they used to trace the lines on each other's palms and make fake predictions about the future tearing at her heart as she traced the same lines with the washcloth. Aside from the occasional hug she had managed to trapped him in, that had been the most contact Severus had allowed when they were younger. He had always been so physically distant that Lily had eventually convinced herself that he didn't like her that way even though his eyes had often suggested otherwise.
She sighed as she released the hand and rinsed the cloth once more before proceeding to wash his chest, noticing that some of the scars on it seemed to be burns and also that he had a nasty bruise forming on one side. Severus had always been so hermetic and unreachable, so difficult to understand and deal with... James had been easy to be with in comparison, his personality much more open and receptive, uncomplicated... Perhaps Severus was right in that her dating James had had everything to do with him, although not for the reason he thought. By seventh year Lily had been convinced that Severus no longer cared about her at all, so she hadn't imagined anything she did could hurt him, but it wasn't a coincidence that she had chosen his polar opposite to date.
Her thoughts returned to her present task when she suddenly realized that she had ran out of body parts to wash over the surface of the water. She hesitated and swallowed nervously, having already felt his cock brushing her and fearing that washing it when it was hard would feel too much like a handjob.
"You have my permission to touch me," said Severus in answer to her hesitation. "If you ever do anything to hurt me down there, though, you will not be able to sit in a week and I will not let you come in a month."
Lily raised her eyes and met his threatening gaze, her stomach churning at the thought of what Severus might do to her to render her unable to sit. Being forced so close to climax and left hanging every time for a month would not be fun either, so it was with extreme care that she finally slid her hand downwards over his abdomen and touched for the first time what she had been intensely curious about since the age of thirteen or perhaps even before.
She had already seen it flaccid and felt its full size inside her, but touching it allowed her to better visualize what she was dealing with and to verify that despite having felt like a blunt weapon most of the times so far it was actually just a penis. Although after having gotten so used to James', and not having ever touched anyone else's, Severus' felt sort of wrong, not what she had learned to expect of a penis even if it had all the same constitutive parts and worked the same. Lily was only supposed to wash it, but she couldn't resist the opportunity to explore it too in the process, measuring its girth and length, tracing the veins along the shaft, retracting the foreskin to feel the shape of the head with her soapy fingers. She didn't want Severus to think that she was enjoying touching him, though, so she eventually moved on and her hand continued downwards to gently wash his testicles, honestly surprized that he remained relaxed despite his balls being in the grasp of a person who three days earlier had tried her best to render him sterile.
When she extracted her hands from his genital area, Lily was admittedly aroused, and meeting Severus' hungry gaze stirred her body even more, an electrical jolt shocking her body when he placed a hand under her jaw to feel her treacherous pulse.
"So impatient," he drawled seductively, his dark eyes glittering with amusement and lust.
For a long moment charged with anticipation Lily felt sure that he was going to kiss her or do something, but she was again shamefully disappointed when instead of acting on his obvious arousal Severus unceremoniously evicted her from his lap and turned around in the bathtub so she could scrub his back.
Annoyance and humiliation burned inside her as she groped for the soap that had slipped out of her hand during the manoeuvre, angry at Severus because he knew that she was frustrated and he was enjoying to make her wait, but mostly at herself for being frustrated instead of relieved that the Death Eater that was trying to get her pregnant to replace her dead child wasn't in a rush to fuck her again. She felt ashamed, stupid, wanton, pathetic, weak. Her heart was chaos, her mind a mess, her body out of control. If it were just a physical weakness she would not feel so conflicted, but she knew that the pull towards Severus was more emotional than physical and that her current unwillingness to curb her sexual drive was directly related to her crisis over James, and that made it a lot more complex than just some involuntary arousal.
Lily snatched the washcloth that was floating around and turned to face Severus again, decided to scrub his skin raw to make him feel her irritation, but she froze at the sight of his disfigured back, the palimpsest of horror before her eyes making her body forget her frustration and shocking her heart out of her anger and personal grief.
She had dismissed the scars on his chest and abdomen because they didn't look different to the countless battle scars Moody displayed on his face and arms, evidence of injuries caused by dark magic —which couldn't be completely healed with potions or charms—, but the multiple layers of overlapping scars on Severus' back could not be explained that way.
What had happened to him?
Lily hesitantly placed a hand between his shoulder blades and felt the nauseating irregularity of the fibrotic tissue with her fingers as she traced some of the scars down his spine and under the water, her eyes filling with tears when she tried to imagine the pain and powerlessness Severus must have felt as this was being done to him.
Sorrow and fury saturated her heart.
Who had hurt him like this?