Chapter 13
Severus knew that it wasn't recommended to apparate with small children, but like many Apparition recommendations he didn't take it seriously until he tried it for the first time and understood why it was a really bad idea. Draco would not stop crying, his wailing so loud and strident that Severus half-feared it would draw the Ministry's attention all the way from London. And he wasn't just crying. The little demon kept struggling in his arms, trying to get away from him and inarticulately calling for Narcissa, his wild flailing and ear-piercing screams nauseatingly reminiscent of a victim subjected to the Cruciatus Curse. He also threw up and almost choked with his own vomit while he cried, making Severus panic and wrestle to keep the brat in a position that helped clearing his airways.
Severus had never felt so useless and inadequate as he felt while desperately trying to calm down a distraught baby. He also felt increasingly annoyed and a growing darkness inside him was urging him to slap, hex, curse or strangle Draco. He couldn't handle this like a Death Eater, though, and while handling it like a potioneer with healing qualifications might have been an option the Calming Draughts he carried with him were strong enough to knock out a first year student so it would be dangerous to give them to an infant. How did parents deal with this without resorting to magic, drugs or violence? Severus was beginning to understand why his father had hit him whenever he had cried as a child.
It was good that the Apparition Point was located some distance away from the building, because his reputation would have been destroyed if any of his fellow Death Eaters had seen him covered in puke and so obviously out of his depth rocking a baby while talking embarrassing nonsense to the infernal creature. Severus wasn't even sure if Draco could understand what he said, but Narcissa had once commented that his voice was soothing for a baby even if it made most adults cringe in terror so he kept crooning reassurances like a fool as he paced back and forth, holding the child firmly against him and rubbing his back until to his enormous relief Draco finally calmed down and drifted off in his arms.
Damn. Would he have to deal with fits like these all the time when he became a father? He hadn't had much contact with infants until Lucius' son had been born, and Draco had always been good and quiet when he had held him before so Severus had assumed it would be easy to handle a child, but he couldn't imagine himself tolerating so much crying and unruliness on a regular basis. What if in his frustration and irritation his violent temper got out of control? He had been so sure that he would be a good father, that his son would always feel safe with him, but he was now terrified that he might harm his own child like his father had harmed him. Perhaps it was for the better that as a heartless Death Eater under the Dark Lord's regime Severus would be expected to delegate the raising of children to the mother and house-elves, only getting involved to supervise their education and shape them into loyal followers of the Dark Lord. It was anguishing to think that he would not get to be close with his own children, just as he would never have a real relationship with Lily nor form a family with them, but maybe they would all be safer if he stayed away. Severus and his mother would have certainly been better off without his father around.
Draco seemed to have fallen soundly asleep, but Severus continued rocking him in place, not yet ready to continue his way to Headquarters. Now that the fiend had stopped crying he no longer wanted to smother it, on the contrary, he was feeling increasingly protective of it and he couldn't bring himself to deliver it to the Dark Lord. He didn't really think his master would harm Draco, but the Dark Lord had crossed a line when he had killed a baby, even if he had only done it because of the Prophecy, and Severus knew from experience that when a line was crossed into darkness the possibilities beyond it became regular options from then on. He couldn't help to feel anxious as images of Lily's dead son flooded his mind, filling him with unbearable guilt and making him fear the burden of yet another innocent dead child on his conscience.
It was not too late to go back, he reflected. No one knew about this yet, so no one would know of his involvement if he apparated back to Malfoy Manor with Draco and took them all to Dumbledore instead. The old man would no doubt scold him for making the decision without consulting him, but he would have no choice but to take the Malfoys in, if only to buy Lucius' silence about Severus' involvement in his defection. Bellatrix knew that Lucius had been headed to Spinner's End, so there would be some suspicion cast over Severus, but he could simply say that he had not received any visitors and support 'the truth' of his claim with his sincere mind.
The problem with that plan was that the Dark Lord would expect Lucius to use all the compromising information he possessed —and especially the juicy bit about Lily's survival and imprisonment— to negotiate the best possible deal, resulting in Severus' arrest the moment he returned to Hogwarts. His cover would be blown if that didn't happen, which made him fear that Dumbledore would send him to Azkaban for real to preserve him as a spy in the long term —the Dark Lord was bound to rescue his imprisoned followers eventually, especially if Severus was one of them. While he would likely not lose his mind in prison, there was only so much Occlumency could do against Dementors, and Severus' worst memories were particularly horrible so he wasn't looking forward to spend a single minute in the company of such creatures. He had known for years that he might end up in Azkaban, but he would not volunteer to go, and if Dumbledore sent him against his will to preserve his cover Severus would rejoin the dark side for real when he got out just to bring down the cold-hearted bastard... except that in that scenario the Headmaster would have probably extracted Lily before the Dark Lord even heard of Lucius' betrayal, and he would likely hold her as a hostage to ensure Severus' allegiance to the light side for the duration of the war.
He gritted his teeth. If Lucius —or any other Death Eater— betrayed him it would be safer to grab Lily and run away than to go anywhere near Hogwarts. Or to stay safely hidden in Headquarters with Lily... except that if he deserted from the 'light' side Dumbledore might retaliate sending a little note to the Dark Lord informing him of Severus' previous betrayal, in which case he and Lily would not be safe anywhere near his master. It was becoming more and more clear to him with each passing minute that he had made a terrible mistake meeting Albus Dumbledore in that hilltop over a year ago to beg for an unnecessary favour. The old man had not kept his side of the bargain, and yet he had Severus by the balls now, using him —and Lily— however he wanted while implicitly holding over his head at least three different kinds of life-ruining threats.
Severus took a deep breath and gently stroke Draco's silky hair while he tried to moderate his resentment at the Headmaster. There was nothing he could do right now to break free from the manipulative bastard, better not to think about it and just focus on what he had to do to protect both his covers. And to protect Lucius' family as well, because he truly believed that they would be safer if his moronic friend didn't defect. The Dark Lord might torture and kill Lucius for considering to betray them, but he would most likely spare Narcissa and Draco, while if Lucius defected and the Dark Lord ever found them —and he would— there would be no mercy for any Malfoy. And Severus was reasonably confident that he could persuade his master of sparing Lucius as well, as long as he corrected his thoughts and recommitted himself completely to the cause —something that with his son and wife under the Dark Lord's control he was strongly motivated to do. Lucius was valuable both as a Death Eater and as politician, after all, so the Dark Lord would be predisposed to forgive his lapse —if he didn't forgive anyone who lost faith or had doubts on occasion he would not have many surviving followers, especially after last night.
He sighed. All his reasoning was very nice, but he still feared that his temperamental master might slaughter the entire Malfoy family in a fit of rage. That was the biggest drawback of the dark side: everything was much more unpredictable and dangerous when the only law was the will of a sadistic, whimsical, mentally unstable man. The Dark Lord could be very reasonable, fair and generous, but also extremely vindictive, impulsive and capricious, his behaviour not always so very rational. Severus didn't think his master was truly insane —for the most part he was just a high-functioning psychopath—, but there was something... wrong in him, some nasty facet inside him that sometimes took over and clouded his judgement or turned him extra-evil as darkness overcame him. It was that unpredictable facet what had led Severus to seek Dumbledore's help and beg him to hide Lily, since he hadn't been able to trust the Dark Lord to keep his head about him and spare her as he had promised.
Heaving another sigh, Severus finally cleaned up the vomit on his robes with a wave of his wand and, holding Draco tightly against his chest with one arm, began to walk towards the edge of the wards. He felt his Dark Mark tingle when he crossed them, and moments later he was muttering under his breath to undo the complex locking charm that he had cast earlier when they had decreed the lockdown of Headquarters. Only the four top-ranked Death Eaters knew how to unlock this door and were free to come and go as they pleased, everyone else must have a good justification for leaving or else wait until the lockdown was lifted. A measure that worked well to prevent stupid people deserting and betraying them all in a moment of panic but that was plainly useless if the treacherous idiot was one of the top-ranked Death Eaters.
The atmosphere within Headquarters was tense, and Severus' arrival seemed to stretch everyone's nerves to a near breaking point. The fact that he was carrying a baby was probably the main cause for the general uneasiness, since no doubt everyone remembered the events of Halloween and believed him perfectly capable of killing a child himself, but there were also many who feared his return for more selfish reasons. Severus took note of those who deliberately avoided his eyes as if they had something to hide, and considered whether he would have time to check so many potentially treacherous minds before going back to Hogwarts. Dumbledore was going to assume that he was dead or that he had changed sides again if he didn't return soon, in which case he might storm Spinner's End to rescue Lily, and while part of Severus hoped for that turn of events he didn't feel ready to lose Lily again yet so another part of him shamefully hoped to be allowed to keep her a bit longer.
"Severus," intercepted him Rosier before he could reach the other side of the meeting hall, "we have been waiting for you."
"I'm in a rush, Evan," said Severus, pausing to address his fellow Death Eater and ignoring the curious glance he directed at Draco.
"It will only be a moment. There are a few more people demanding to be allowed to leave, we need you to check them."
Severus sighed.
"Fine," he said tiredly. "But keep them quiet, I'm not sure I could refrain from smothering the brat if it woke up crying, and Lucius would never forgive me for that."
"I dare say he wouldn't," agreed Rosier with amusement. "Where is he, by the way?"
"Buried between Narcissa's thighs, no doubt," drawled Severus as they walked towards a cluster of Death Eaters waiting in a corner. "He'll come when he's finished."
He had seen no reason to deny Lucius the chance to fuck his wife before delivering her to Headquarters, knowing that neither of them was going to go anywhere as long as Severus was keeping Draco hostage. If the situation were reversed he certainly would appreciate the opportunity to make love to Lily one last time just in case he didn't survive his next meeting with the Dark Lord, although he would most likely use the opportunity to grab her and run. Severus wondered if his priorities would change the day he became a father. Right now there was no one more important to him than Lily, he would lay down his own life for her and prioritize her survival over anyone else's —that still stood even if he conflictingly had agreed to sacrifice her for the Greater Good—, but what would happen if one day they had a child together and Severus was faced to the same choice Lucius was faced to now? Considering that they could always make new children to make up for the lost one, it seemed like the Slytherin thing to do to run away with the woman leaving the hostage child behind, but Severus was certain that Lucius would not run without Draco. Would he too come to love his son that much? Would he sacrifice everything including Lily for his child? Would Lily make the same choice, or would she be glad to be rid of the unwanted bastard Severus had forced her to bear?
"Jugson," greeted Severus when they reached the group of Death Eaters waiting for permission to escape Headquarters, "You don't work on Sundays, why can't you wait to leave?"
"I have a social engagement. It's not really important, but Crouch and Bones will be there and I thought it would be a good opportunity to find out what they are saying about last night's events."
"I'm also expected to be there," said Avery, "and Lucius. It might be suspicious if none of us shows up."
Severus nodded. Lucius definitely would have to attend that engagement and publicly burn bridges with Crabbe and Goyle. Although there was a risk that Crouch would arrest him on the spot...
"Very well," he said, hoping the Dark Lord would wake up and take over the decision-making soon, "I will have to enter your minds to verify your claims, do not resist."
Severus knew that it wasn't really necessary to check Jugson and Avery, but he must treat everyone the same and it would be reckless to make exceptions — betrayal was always a likely possibility amongst Slytherins, and most Death Eaters were Slytherins— so he examined both their minds searching for signs of disloyalty. Jugson made it easy, but Avery the idiot deliberately provoked him pushing to the front of his mind his memory of Halloween and letting him know that he had jerked off while he watched. Severus had to admit that it was arousing and satisfying to watch himself fucking Lily next to the corpse of James Potter, but at the same time it was sickening to see himself raping the woman he loved so he retaliated forcing Avery to relive certain horrible memories and intentionally causing him a killing headache.
"You both are cleared to leave," he said as he withdrew from his former roommate's mind, smirking vindictively when he saw Avery rubbing his temples. "Go wait by the door. Next."
Their best-qualified Healer stepped forward.
"Why do you want to leave?" asked Severus.
The Healer pursed his lips and glared at him.
"I don't want to leave," he hissed. "My shift starts in half an hour, but I would rather stay and look after our Lord, if only I were allowed."
Severus sighed. He was sick of arguing with the damn Healer, although he could understand the man's frustration. The Dark Lord's last instruction before passing out had been that only Severus and Bellatrix had permission to approach him, so it had fallen to Severus to assist him while Bellatrix freaked out. He had taken some directions from the anxious Healer and consulted with him afterwards, but the man was still resentful because he had not been allowed to examine their master.
"Our Lord is out of danger," reminded him Severus, loud enough for everyone around them to hear but hopefully not loud enough to wake the sleeping child in his arms. "I will check on him now, and again later, so you are not needed here, but you may stay if you wish to be close —as long as your position at St. Mungos is not compromised."
The Healer struggled with himself for a few moments before deciding to leave for St. Mungos and return after finishing his shift. Severus verified his loyalty with a quick immersion into his annoyed mind and sent him to wait with Avery and Jugson while he called forth whoever came next. Karkaroff stepped backwards instead of forward, however, announcing nervously that he had changed his mind about leaving and he would rather stay until he could see with his own eyes that their master was all right. Of course he didn't fool anyone, and Severus ended up examining his mind much more thoroughly than the others.
"Give him to Macnair," he said to Rosier when he pulled out. "Tell him not to kill him, and make sure everyone watches, especially the young recruits."
"No! Please, no!" exclaimed Karkaroff when at Rosier's signal Dolohov instantly disarmed him and one of the Lestranges roughly grabbed him by the arm. "It was just thoughts, Snape, I wasn't going to do anything! Please, Rosier, MERCY!"
"Shut him up!" growled Severus when Draco suddenly woke up and started to cry again. Fuck. Rosier hit Karkaroff with a Silencing Charm as they dragged him away, but it was too late, and Severus could not afford to make a fool of himself or appear soft in front of his fellow Death Eaters. "Imperio!"
Draco stopped crying at once. Most people present stared at him in shock, although no one seemed really surprized that he had cast an Unforgivable Curse on a baby.
"Let's finish this quickly," he said with irritation. "Who's next?"
"There's only the masked ones left," said Rosier, glancing at Draco with concern. "Bellatrix already cleared one and let him out, but these two apparently only deal with the Dark Lord."
Severus studied the two masked Death Eaters, one standing calmly as if he were immune to everything while the other trembled visibly under his gaze. It irritated him to no end to have unidentified people around, brothers he didn't know nor could trust in any degree, but the Dark Lord had commanded them not to reveal their identities for a reason —his own identity would no doubt have remained concealed if he had started as a spy instead of as a mercenary. These individuals were probably spies or deeply infiltrated agents that would determine the course of the war, so as a spy for Dumbledore he should try to find out who they were, but Severus' first priority was to maintain his position of trust next to the Dark Lord so he couldn't risk unmasking them.
"Let them go," he decided at last. "But make them watch first what happens to the fool that intended to run straight to Dumbledore hoping to sell everything he knows before someone else could beat him to it." Severus fixed a threatening look on the mysterious Death Eaters, both of whom avoided to make eye contact with him through their masks. "Bear in mind that Karkaroff is only being punished for having treacherous thoughts, you can expect much worse if you commit actual treason. And make no mistake," he added loudly, directing his warning to everyone but especially to the trembling Death Eater before him, "there is no place to hide in or run to where the Dark Lord cannot find you."
Severus lifted the Imperius Curse and began casting diagnostic spells on Draco the instant he was out of sight and within the warded privacy of his lab. The toddler just sat on the worktable looking up at him with wide grey eyes, apparently having forgotten all about crying or perhaps still under the influence of Severus' mental command. A child so young could not understand what had just happened, so he must be confused and his clueless brain must be trying to figure out what to learn from the experience. Had Severus just conditioned him not to cry ever? Had he messed up his mental development? Was Draco traumatized? There had to be a reason —besides being illegal and morally questionable— why parents all over the world didn't routinely use the Imperius Curse to bring their demonic children under control.
All the spells he knew to assess the effects of Dark Magic threw negative results, but that was expected since the Unforgivables only had dark effects on the caster, just as it was expected Draco's physical health not to have been affected by a curse that only affected the mind. Severus berated himself again for never having bothered to learn how to assess mental health by means other than Legilimency, and for not having read enough about possible cognitive after-effects of the Imperius Curse. Adults were often traumatized by the realization that they had done things against their wills, but a baby of Draco's age had no concept of free will yet and would probably not understand that the order not to cry had come from outside.
His stomach twisted with guilt when Draco began to show signs of distress and the brat reached for him with his little arms demanding to be picked up. Severus complied and held him against his chest for several quiet minutes, stroking his delicate head while he drowned in shame and self-loathing. How could he have brought a baby into this hell? How could he be so eager to have a child of his own when it was clear that he would be a terrible father? Being a Death Eater subjected to evil expectations he would not have the chance to try his best, but Severus highly doubted his best would be sufficient anyway; he would screw up his child one way or another even if he could raise it away from all this madness.
"Mama," sniffed Draco suddenly, wrenching Severus' heart.
"Mama will be here soon," he promised in a soothing tone, hoping he at least understood the reassurance.
"Dada?"
Severus took a deep breath.
"Dada loves you, Draco," he said. And it was reckless of him to let everyone know that.
A glance at the clock reminded Severus that he didn't have time for this, and also that he couldn't afford to prioritize Draco's health nor life. He would try to protect him, but he must not forget that this child was now a hostage so his safety could not be guaranteed and Severus would be wise not to get attached to him. With no little difficulty, he pushed away his guilt and remorse, evicted from his mind the images of Lily's pickled child, and forced his heart to become hard and cold as stone.
Severus carried the hostage across the lab and spent a few minutes consulting a massive reference book and rummaging in the storeroom before finally measuring a small dose of Draught of Living Death and administering it to the infant. Once the hostage was almost literally dead to the world, he gathered a selection of potions for his master and carried Lucius' weakness out of the lab.
The Dark Lord's private rooms were in lockdown within the lockdown, so Severus had to stop to mutter the complex counter-charm again, thinking while he did it that he would have to come up with another locking charm or modify the current one so Lucius no longer had access —although he would have to justify the change to Bellatrix and Rosier, and he wasn't sure they should know about Lucius' situation yet.
Bellatrix descended on him when he was finishing relocking the door from the inside.
"About time!" she shrieked. "The Dark Lord moved and hissed half an hour ago, and you weren't here! He was in pain, I could tell, and you weren't here! I told you not to go, Snape, your place was here, with our Lord! You should have been here!"
"Enough!" snapped Severus. "Do you need another slap, Bella?"
"If you ever bring your filthy hand close to my face again I will dissect it!" she snarled. "Our master could have died while you were pumping that disgusting Mud-"
Severus slapped her. Not as hard as he had slapped her earlier, but hard enough to get her to shut up this time too.
"Must I remind you that I am the reason why our master didn't die?" he hissed. "You should be on your knees gratefully sucking my cock instead of yelling at me. Now control yourself, and you better start showing me some respect if you don't want me to tell the Dark Lord how completely useless and weak you proved to be last night."
Bellatrix's eyes flashed murderously when he slapped her, but she didn't draw her wand —which was fortunate, since Severus had recklessly used his wand arm to slap her, the other one being occupied holding the hostage— and her fury was quickly replaced by fear at his threat. The Dark Lord despised weakness, especially in women, and while he probably would continue taking Bellatrix into his bed —it must be fun to subjugate someone like her, and Severus had to admit that she had a nice body— he might cease respecting her as a Death Eater if he knew of her hysterical breakdown. Of course many had seen her freaking out and witnessed the epic slap, but only Severus had seen her cry and she would have a harder time intimidating him into silence.
"You can make yourself useful now," he said harshly as he handed the hostage to her. "Hold this while I examine our Lord."
Judging by her surprized and horrified reaction, Bellatrix had not noticed that he was carrying a baby until that moment and she probably had never held one herself. Her eyes widened in panic when she suddenly found herself with an armful of toddler, and for the second time that day Severus felt conflicted at the realization that under that tough and nasty exterior there was a young woman with normal insecurities and fears. She even had a heart, if a twisted one.
"I... What...? I can't..." she stammered, holding the child at arm's length as if it were a dragon hatchling. "Take it back, Snape!"
"It's just a baby," he mocked her. "And your nephew, in case you have forgotten."
"What if it wakes up?" she asked in terror. "I don't know... How...?"
"It won't wake up," he assured her. "Just don't drop it or Narcissa will kill you."
Severus walked past her and opened the door to the Dark Lord's sleeping chamber before she could present any more objections, stopping in the doorway to once more try to assimilate the sight of a vulnerable Dark Lord, sleeping like a normal person while his infamous wand rested harmlessly on the night table.
It would be so easy to kill him...
Trying to murder the Dark Lord or failing to assist him earlier would have been suicidal, with so many loyal Death Eaters at cursing distance, but now there was only Bellatrix around, and she was distracted trying to figure out how to hold a baby. No doubt she would drop the child and reach for her wand the instant he attacked their master, but by then the Dark Lord would be dead and Severus would have all his attention focused on her. He was pretty sure that he could take Bellatrix down in a one-on-one duel, and once she was dead too he could simply walk out of Headquarters with Draco and go pick up Lily before Rosier discovered what he had done and raised the alarm. Just like that, the war would be over and Lily would be safe and free to get away from him.
After an excruciating hesitation, Severus went to sit at his master's bedside.
"My Lord?" he called softly. Bellatrix had said that the Dark Lord had stirred not so long ago, so the draught Severus had given him to keep him under while the most painful potions did their job must have already worn off. And he thought wiser to examine powerful, murderous, paranoid dark wizards while they were either firmly unconscious or fully awake.
His master didn't react to his voice, so Severus warily reached for one of his pale, cold hands and pressed it lightly. Next thing he knew those long, skeletal fingers had closed around his neck and the infamous wand painfully jabbed him in the ribs.
"It's me, my Lord, Severus," he struggled to say through his obstructed throat. "Your most devoted servant."
Severus was used to turn off his survival instincts in the Dark Lord's presence, so it wasn't so hard to stay still and not react defensively to the dangerous threat, but his heart was pounding wildly against his chest and he almost cried in relief when after a long moment of terrifying suspense the pressure on his neck and ribs disappeared.
"Severus," whispered his master as he leaned back on the pillows, wincing slightly at the movement and blinking several times until he managed to keep his disturbing eyes open. "My dear Severus."
"Are you in pain, my Lord?" he inquired solicitously.
"It's manageable," rasped the Dark Lord.
"Is it general or localized?"
"Both," he grunted. "Where is Nagini? I called for her earlier."
"Evan locked her up in your study, my Lord," informed him Severus while he pulled out several phials and bottles from his pocket and arranged them in a neat line over the night table. "She was... too protective. I will make sure to release her now that you're well enough to control her." That damned snake had almost killed them all. Nagini knew that she wasn't allowed to harm them without permission, but smelling its master's blood had driven her crazy and particularly intent on murdering Severus. "Please drink this, my Lord, it's a Pain Reliever."
"I can handle the pain," growled the Dark Lord with annoyance, waving away the phial.
"It's going to get worse when I give you the next dose of the Anti-Curse Elixir, my Lord. We don't want to see you in pain."
The plural caught his master's attention.
"Bella?"
"She's here, my Lord," said Severus, gesturing for Bellatrix, who was anxiously waiting by the door, to approach. "She hasn't left your side at any moment."
The nasty witch glanced at him with mistrust as she approached the bed.
"My Lord," she said reverently. "We feared for you. It is so good to see you awake, I-"
"Am I hallucinating, Severus?" interrupted the Dark Lord, the corner of his mouth twitching in amusement. "Or is Bellatrix truly holding a child?"
"It is not a hallucination, my Lord," assured him Severus with a smirk, ignoring her murderous glare. "She's holding her nephew, Lucius' son."
"Is that so? What is young Draco doing here?" asked their master curiously.
"Narcissa wanted to visit her sister, so she will stay here with Draco for a few days," explained Severus. "I offered to bring the boy ahead so Lucius could have some time alone with Narcissa before escorting her here as well."
The Dark Lord fixed his red eyes on him, but Severus deliberately broke the eye contact.
"You are still weak, my Lord," he said. "You should refrain from performing Legilimency, using Dark Magic, or doing anything strenuous for at least forty-eight hours. The recovery will be faster if you follow all my recommendations," he added offering him the Pain Reliever again.
His master plainly had sensed that there was something Severus wasn't saying about Lucius and Draco, but he didn't insist on the matter. He also seemed to resign himself to follow Severus' medical recommendations, starting by accepting the Pain Reliever and refraining from further Legilimency attempts, his compliance suggesting that he felt worse than he let on.
"How long have I been unconscious?" he asked after gulping down a potent Restorative followed by a Blood-Replenishing Potion. "What happened after I passed out?"
"It's been almost five hours, my Lord," informed him Severus, replacing the empty phial in his master's hand with another one containing a Strengthening Solution. "You lost a concerning amount of blood before I managed to identify and seal all the sources of haemorrhage. I'm not sure how you came to be so seriously wounded, but it looked like you had splinched yourself. An occurrence no doubt explained by the debilitating curse affecting you."
The Dark Lord didn't say anything, but fury burned in his eyes and Severus knew that he must feel humiliated. It was extremely embarrassing for a wizard of his calibre to splinch himself apparating, even if he had a perfectly good excuse for the failure and it was actually impressive that he had managed to apparate at all in a debilitated state and while surrounded by powerful enemies.
"It took me too long to realize that you had been cursed, my Lord," admitted Severus as he broke the seal of a Tissue-Regrowing Potion. "Even after the bleeding had stopped and your blood volume had been restored you continued deteriorating, your heart-rate steadily decreasing while your breathing became more laboured, and you went into shock..."
"It was the Healer's fault," intervened Bellatrix angrily. "He kept saying distracting things, Rosier had to shut him up so Snape could think. I bet that idiot doesn't even know how to diagnose or treat curses."
Severus met her eyes, and saw without any need of Legilimency that she was proposing an arrangement. Bellatrix was willing to blame the Healer for his slow thinking if he didn't mention that she had been a much bigger cause of distraction —in fact it had been his slapping Bellatrix what had led Rosier to silence the Healer as well—, probably also expecting Severus to keep quiet about her lapse of weakness in exchange of her keeping silence about his visit to his pet in the middle of the crisis. Only Bellatrix would benefit from such a deal —Severus had saved his master's life against all distractions, and he didn't intend to hide that he had gone back to fuck Lily— but it might be good to reach some sort of understanding or truce with the crazy bitch so he sent her a mental nod before looking away.
"You stabilized once I administered the curse neutralizer, my Lord," he continued, holding a bottle against the light to check that the elixir was still viable before carefully measuring another dose. "It would have been better if I could have countered it specifically, but none of the numerous counter-curses I tried had any effect. Perhaps if I knew which curse you were hit with I could research a way to counter it more effectively than with potions."
The Dark Lord shook his head in irritation as he accepted the Anti-Curse Elixir.
"It was Flamel," he spat. "Who knows in which century or country he learned that curse? He might be the only one who remembers it."
"No doubt Dumbledore interrogated Flamel about it, I will try to find out," said Severus while he vanished all the empty phials. "I need to examine your wound now, my Lord."
His master nodded.
"Leave us, Bella," he commanded. "And close the door behind you."
Bellatrix was clearly not pleased with the dismissal, but she moved to obey almost at once, pausing a few steps away to look at Severus.
"Can I put this down?" she almost implored, indicating with disgust the heavy toddler in her arms.
"No," he said firmly. "If you're tired you may sit in the couch with the child, but do not leave it alone. If Narcissa arrives assure her that Draco is fine and that I will give him the antidote to wake him up when I finish here."
The Dark Lord snorted.
"You drugged Lucius' child?" he asked with amusement.
"The crying was annoying," said Severus with a shrug as he pulled out from another pocket everything he would need to dress the splinching wound. He paused when he noticed that the crazy bitch was still standing there. "I believe our master dismissed you, Bellatrix."
Bellatrix scowled at him, but she bit back her usual scornful comments and obediently left the room taking the hostage with her. Severus locked the door and cast an additional privacy ward before returning to the bedside, where he proceeded to hesitantly pull back the covers and unbutton his patient's nightshirt with trembling hands. It had been an unnerving experience to touch the Dark Lord's body earlier, doing it when he was awake was absolutely terrifying, but the extra fear was accompanied by a sense of intimacy and Severus felt more deeply honoured by his master's trust now that he was conscious and deliberately allowing the proximity.
"Did you fuck Bellatrix while I was unconscious, Severus?"
Severus froze.
"No, my Lord," he said warily, raising his eyes so his master would know that he was willing to prove the truth of his answer with his mind. The last thing he wanted was to deal with a jealous and vengeful Dark Lord. "I would never take what is yours nor taste it without your permission."
"How did you render her so docile, then? Compared to her usual attitude towards you she was almost submissive."
His master seemed simply curious and amused, so Severus relaxed and resumed the task of removing the bandages.
"I might have slapped her a few times," he confessed.
The Dark Lord chuckled.
"What did she do to earn such treatment?"
"She just needed to be slapped, my Lord. Bellatrix was out of herself with worry over you." Severus non-verbally asked for permission to point his wand at his master, and began casting diagnostic spells when he received a trustful nod in response. He refrained from speaking while he checked the internal organs and verified that the bones regrowned by the Skele-Gro were correcty shaped. "It was a very stressful night, my Lord," he said after casting one last spell to ascertain that there was nothing infected, "the fear of losing you made us all act a little crazy."
"Deserters?" inquired the Dark Lord casually, although there was a dangerous edge to his voice.
"No one has been given the chance to desert, my Lord. I took the liberty of summoning everyone who wasn't already here before locking down Headquarters."
His master raised an eyebrow.
"You summoned my Death Eaters?"
"Technically you did, my Lord," said Severus nervously. "I pressed your finger to my Mark while you were unconscious. I beg your forgiveness if I overstepped myself, but not knowing what sort of rumours might spread I felt wiser to keep everyone under control until they could see you healthy and strong. Those who couldn't afford to stay in lockdown were allowed to go, however, provided they passed a mental examination. The only security risks are the masked ones, who were allowed to leave without a loyalty check-up, and those who were captured in Yorkshire."
The Dark Lord considered his report for a few moments before finally nodding.
"You did well," he said, and Severus relaxed when he saw approval in his red eyes. "Did you find anything interesting in your brothers' minds?"
"Fear has confused more than one, my Lord, but most of them are clever enough to avoid me. Karkaroff was the only disloyal fool that tried to leave... he intended to go to Dumbledore and tell him about my reward." Severus poured Essence of Dittany over a portion of regrowing flesh that still insisted on bleeding, causing his patient to hiss in pain. "Macnair is taking care of him."
"That treacherous scum," spat the Dark Lord. "I want to take care of him myself."
"Macnair has instructions not to kill him, my Lord," reassured him Severus, cleaning with a spell the blood and excess of Dittany threatening to stain the sheets. "But I thought we could make an example of his preliminary punishment, to help clear the minds of those foolishly confused."
Hopefully by the time the Dark Lord was back on his feet and cleared to perform Legilimency and Dark Magic most Death Eaters would have abandoned any dangerous lines of thought and reframed everything inside their minds to convince themselves that they hadn't seriously considered to betray their master and brothers.
"I knew I could count on you to take care of everything, Severus," said a very pleased Dark Lord.
"It has been a team effort, my Lord," said Severus humbly. "Rosier is handling the men, I just check the people he asks me to check, and Bellatrix watches over you full time while I come and go."
"And Lucius?" asked his master sharply.
Severus hesitated.
"Lucius' raid didn't go well," he said carefully. "He was almost caught, and he blamed me for tipping off the Order... Fear and anger made him say some things that I didn't like, so I sent him home to clear his head."
"And you took his child with you?"
"I thought Lucius would be able to think better without his family around," said Severus, deliberately avoiding to refer to Narcissa and Draco as hostages even though his master already knew that's what they were.
The Dark Lord sighed and rested his head on the pillows.
"I don't know what to do with Lucius," he mused out loud. "I had hoped he would take after Abraxas, who served me so loyally until the very end, but the son is not the father."
"Lucius is weak," agreed Severus. "Fear makes him waver. But he can be fiercely loyal and reliable when he feels safe."
"No one is ever safe," said the Dark Lord scornfully. "You know that better than most, Severus."
"I know," he said in a low voice. "But I have always felt safe under your protection. Lucius just needs to learn to trust you like I do, my Lord."
They subsided into silence, his master losing himself in thought while Severus worked. As he carefully rubbed an anti-scarring balm over the still healing flesh, Severus prayed that the Dark Lord wasn't planning Lucius' torture, Narcissa's degradation or Draco's murder. It was encouraging that he hadn't reacted to the news of Lucius' situation with the same fury that he had reacted to Karkaroff's treachery, but that didn't mean that Lucius would be spared any sort of punishment. Things looked better for him than for the Bulgarian, though, if for nothing else because as a high-ranked Death Eater Lucius would most likely be granted the honour of being personally executed by the Dark Lord, who despite his terrible reputation wasn't nearly as creative and sadistic as certain people at his service. The Dark Lord didn't have enough patience to drag out the torture for too long, that's why if he really wanted to make someone beg for death he often handed the victim over to Macnair, Bellatrix, Dolohov... or Severus. His stomach twisted at the thought that he might be instructed to 'take care' of Lucius himself, knowing that it was a possibility if his master intended to give Narcissa to him. The only comfort in that scenario was that Severus would probably be able to spare Draco, since it would be useful to keep the Malfoy heir alive and under his control.
He mentally shook his head at himself and tried to focus on the new bandage he was applying. Severus wasn't just any Death Eater, and he had just saved the Dark Lord's life, if someone could ask to be excused from the task of torturing his only friend it had to be him. It didn't make sense that he felt more miserable and oppressed the higher he rose, with so much power and favour as he enjoyed he should be able to actually enjoy his position and get whatever he wanted...
He was suddenly hit by a sort of epiphany. Maybe the problem was that he never said what he wanted. He had always been so afraid of being punished by his master, or worse, of disappointing him, that he had strived to be the perfect subject without asking for anything in return. The only thing Severus had ever expressly asked for had been Lily, and he had been so afraid that his master would not deliver that he had ran straight to Dumbledore and become a traitor just in case. But the Dark Lord had kept his promise, and he had said last night that he wanted to know if anything upset him so he could make things right for him. His master cared about him as much as he was capable of caring about anyone, that was plain, and so far he had given him everything that he had suspected Severus wanted. Maybe it was time to start trusting him again, and to gather the courage to ask for things instead of directly assuming he would be denied or have his request used against him.
Perhaps all he had to do was to tell his master that he wanted Lucius and his family to be spared. To tell him that he wanted to marry Lily instead of keeping her as a pet. That he wanted to have legitimate children with her and try to be for them the kind of father he had craved to have. Was it too naive to think that he might be granted all his wishes if he just expressed them?
Still under the influence of his epiphany, Severus gave the final touches to the bandage and proceeded to re-dress the Dark Lord, again assaulted by a mixture of fear, awe and closeness as he buttoned up the long nightshirt. He was unable to resist the impulse of placing a hand over his master's chest when he was done, fully aware as he felt the steady heartbeat under his fingers that he was doing something probably not even Bellatrix —at least not while the Dark Lord was conscious— had ever been allowed to do nor would ever have the privilege of doing.
Long white fingers covered his hand, the cold touch feeling oddly warm.
"You will never lose me, Severus," said his master softly.
Severus swallowed a lump in his throat.
"I almost lost you last night," he whispered, feeling as if he were drowning in his eternal sense of abandonment. "And it would have been my fault."
"No," said the Dark Lord firmly. "I knew you would do everything you could to heal me, I would not have blamed you if you had failed."
Severus shook his head.
"You would not have been hurt if not for me, my Lord," he insisted. "You... you risked yourself to give me a chance to escape." He raised his eyes to meet the powerful gaze of his master. "You should have left me behind."
The Dark Lord lifted his other hand to gently caress his dirty hair.
"You are special, Severus," he said, possessive red eyes drinking him in as if he were the most precious thing in the world. "Sometimes one has to take some risks to protect what cannot be easily replaced."
Emotion threatened to make Severus' superb mental shields collapse. His heart swelled painfully, and silly as it was he felt as if he had butterflies fluttering around his stomach. How could he have betrayed his master? How could he have even considered to kill the only person who truly valued him?
"I am not worth your life, my Lord," he protested, his voice a little rough.
"My life was never at risk," said the Dark Lord with amusement. "Was I speaking in Parseltongue when I told all of you fretting fools that I cannot die?"
Severus looked at him skeptically. He had held his dying body in his arms, felt his master's life slipping through his fingers, verified that he was made of flesh like any other mortal. Gods didn't bleed, did they?
The Dark Lord sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again after a very long moment, there was resolution in them, as if he had just made an important decision.
"I truly cannot die, Severus," he said seriously. "I might, however, lose my connection to this body someday. It will look as if I have died, but you must not lose faith in me and remember that I will always come back. In fact," he said as he ran a cold finger down his face, "you will help me return, dear Severus. If I ever seem lost to you, instead of despairing you will go find me." His master pressed Severus' hand against his reassuringly strong heart, "I will be waiting for you in Albania."