Cousin Giffrey's Day Out

by Ri2

The Igarashi family is about to have a day out when they suddenly get a visit from their long-lost cousin Giffrey! No, he's not Giff in disguise. That's preposterous. He's a completely normal human person, why would you think otherwise?

4. Cousin Giffrey Plays a Game

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.

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"Come on, honey, you've got this!" Yukimi encouraged her husband.

"Almost got it," Genta muttered, tongue sticking out of his mouth, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Almost… Almost…"

Carefully, he tried to scoop up the goldfish with his paper net…

Only for the net to tear completely and the goldfish to slip back into the water and swim off.

Genta grit his teeth and pounded his fist against the counter in frustration as Yukimi patted his shoulder sympathetically. "It's okay, honey, you were really close this time!"

"Sir, you've been at this a while, I'd be happy to give you a goldfish-" the HumaGear operator of the goldfish stand offered.

Genta slammed some yen on the counter. "I want to go again."

"Sir, there are other customers waiting-"

"I WANT TO GO AGAIN."

The HumaGear sighed and the increasingly irritated line of people standing behind Genta groaned and started screaming for him to give up already.

Giff, observing this from the side, was very confused. "I do not understand the point of this game."

"Well, Cousin Giffrey, the objective of the game is to scoop up a goldfish in a paper net and move it to a bucket so you can take it home-" Yukimi started to explain.

"No, I understand that part, I just don't understand why," Giff interjected. "Do you intend to eat them? Goldfish are very tiny and do not seem like they are high in nutritional value."

Yukimi shook her head. "No, you keep them as a pet!"

"Ah! I see. Are goldfish good pets for humans, then?" Giff inquired.

"Not really, goldfish die super fast and easily, and most kids are lucky if they can even get home with their goldfish alive," George, who was still being carried by his new gorilla mother, informed him, nodding at a nearby child, who had burst into tears and was being awkwardly comforted by his parents upon discovering that the goldfish he'd been carrying in a plastic bag was now floating belly up after being shaken too hard. "And even if they do, they die in like a day or two and whoosh! Down the toilet they go."

"Then what is the point? Is it to teach children about mortality and how as inferior human creatures they, too, will perish one day?" Giff, still baffled, asked.

George shrugged. "No, it's because goldfish are super cheap and easy to replace so make good prizes."

Giff nodded in understanding. "Ah. Capitalism."

"Capitalism," George agreed. "By the way, could I have one of your eyeballs? There's this project I've been working on, see, and I think one of your eyes would be perfect as a power source."

"Do people often ask for eyes in this day and age?" Giff asked suspiciously.

"They do if they're best friends!" George said with a wide grin.

Giff gasped in delight. "We're best friends?!"

"We will be if you give me your eye!" George promised.

Gift immediately started reaching for his face, only for Yukimi to quickly grab his arm. "Cousin Giffrey, don't listen to him, people don't give each other eyeballs just because someone asks for them, even if they're best friends. Unless you want to give up one of your eyes, George?"

"I would for one of his eyes," George said eagerly.

Yukimi facepalmed. "Right. Forgot who I was talking to."

Behind her, Genta's paper net broke again. Biting back a curse, he slapped some more yen down on the counter. "AGAIN!"

The people in the line behind them started cursing and looking increasingly agitated.

Yukimi winced. "I should deal with this. Giffrey, don't give George your eye. George, don't give up your eye!"

"You're not the boss of me!" George argued.

"No, but she is," Yukimi said, nodding at the gorilla, who grunted and held George a little tighter.

"Well played, Mama Igarashi. Well played," George acknowledged with grudging respect.

Still somewhat uncertain as to whether or not he and George were best friends now, Giff turned his gaze away from Yukimi struggling to convince her husband to quit the game already before he got lynched to see how everyone else was doing. After the fire at the petting zoo, they had rather quickly relocated to another section of the park, one filled with rides and carnival games which were allegedly not rigged and actually possible to win. Somehow George's new mother had come with them, and nobody was really sure how to get rid of her, because honestly, what sort of person willingly picks a fight with a 300 pound ape?

Ikki and Vice were playing bumper cars, which looked like fun, but Giff didn't have a driver's license, so he didn't think it would be safe for him to take part. He hadn't understood why everyone gave him weird looks when he said this.

Giff watched idly as Vice possessed one of the cars and chased after screaming children, laughing malevolently about how he was going to eat them, while a frantic Ikki pursued him in his own car, begging him to cut it out. Giff didn't see what the fuss was, clearly everyone was having a great time! Those were screams of joy, right?

Tamaki, much to everyone's surprise, seemed to actually be a pretty good marksman, considering how many fake Magia he was taking down at a shooting gallery booth, earning him the admiration of quite a few rather attractive women. Giff wasn't entirely sure how to feel about this. While it was true Tamaki had once been one of his acolytes, it was fairly obvious the only reason he'd lasted this long after losing his powers was by firmly attaching himself to masters strong and compassionate enough to take pity on and protect him such as Hana and the Igarashi family, and while such loyalty and the ability to recognize a naturally superior being and immediately submit to them was admirable, did he want a parasite like that to breed?

(Well, he supposed if that loyalty and obedience bred true, it might be worth keeping him around to create a servant species for his family. They'd certainly make better pets than goldfish!)

Deciding not to bother Tamaki lest he risk ruining his chance of reproducing and creating a perfect slave race for his descendants, Giff checked on Astarte and Lovekov. The two of them were sitting on a bench, cuddled up against each other, and eating cotton candy. The Igarashi matriarch had offered to buy him some, but he refused. He did not understand how the taste buds of humans had changed to the point where they considered cotton something edible or desirable, but he knew from experience it was neither of these things.

(That had been a weird weekend.)

Patting himself on the back once again for pairing the two of them together, Giff decided to leave them alone and check on his other favorite couple-

Oh. That was strange. Hana and Sakura weren't together. His ex-fiancé was playing some sort of game, while his descendant was in line for some sort of… test of strength?

Giff was immediately alarmed. Had something happened between the two women? They seemed inseparable. Why would they be apart from each other?

He glanced at the rest of the Igarashi family to see if they had noticed this discrepancy at all, but either they didn't see it or didn't care, leaving him even more concerned. Was there some social context he was missing? Humans always seemed to change their mind on what was and what was not appropriate or acceptable, sometimes multiple times in a generation. Would it kill them to stay consistent for more than a few years at a time?

Deciding to throw caution to the wind, Giff chose to approach Hana to see if anything was wrong. He wanted an excuse to speak to her anyway, she'd been giving him weird, angry looks ever since he'd shown up at the bathhouse. Surely she couldn't suspect his true identity, could she?

Granted, Vice had, but… Well, she had been the figurehead of his cult and groomed since childhood to serve him, so if anyone could recognize him, surely she would…

But if she had, then why hadn't she told the others? Most perplexing.

Standing behind Hana, Giff glanced over her shoulder to examine the game she was playing. The heads of Magia were popping in and out of various holes on a multilayered board at rather high speeds. Hana, wielding a hammer, was bashing the Magia heads whenever they emerged, a look of sadistic glee on her face as her score kept rising with each successful hit.

"What is this game?" He asked her, curious.

Hana started, missing a swing and allowing the Magia head she'd been targeting to retreat back into its hole. Snarling, she started bashing the new ones with even greater vigor. "Whack a Magia. You get points for hitting Magia heads. Get a high enough score, you win a prize. I'm gonna get something for Sakura!"

"I see. But Sakura is not here," Giff pointed out. "She is over there, in line for some sort of strength test?"

Hana shrugged. "Yeah, so?"

"The two of you are romantically entangled. Should you not be together?"

Hana flashed him a brief look of confusion before quickly returning her focus to the game. "What, and that means we have to be together 24/7?"

"Doesn't it?" Giff asked, legitimately confused.

"No. I mean, granted, I'd love to be with Sakura always, I love her so much, more than I ever loved Giff," Sakura gushed, causing him to flinch. "But that doesn't mean we have to be together together every second. And besides, she's just a few feet away, and I'll be done with this game in time for her to take a swing at the high striker."

"Oh." Well, that answered one question, but… There was something else he wanted to know now. "You said… You love Sakura more than you ever loved Giff?"

Hana clenched her teeth and started applying more force with her hammer for some reason. "Yeah. What of it?"

"Can you… Tell me why that is?" Giff asked. "I mean, you dedicated your whole life to him. You were going to marry him. And then you choose to throw it all away and turn against him? While I cannot fault your choice in partners, I just… Do not understand why-"

Hana slammed her hammer into a Magia so hard it cracked. "I turned against him? He turned against me first!"

Giff blinked. "I do not follow."

Hana turned to glare at him while still blindly flailing her hammer about. Impressively, despite not looking at the game, she was still managing to hit every Magia. "I was groomed from childhood to serve Giff. I was told I would be his bride, that we would usher in a new age together. I looked forward to it more than anything.

"And then I found it was all a lie, and I wasn't supposed to be Giff's bride, but his sacrifice. I was just supposed to smile and sign a contract and die so he could be reborn-"

"Who told you that?" Giff interjected, startled.

"Olteca," Hana spat with a furious snarl, applying even greater force to the Magia. "Probably the first honest thing he ever told me-"

"But that wasn't honest. You weren't going to die."

Hana blinked, so surprised she missed half a dozen Magia before remembering what she was doing and hitting heads again. "What… What are you talking about? I was going to be a sacrifice. When you sacrifice someone, they die-"

"When I – I mean, when Giff accepts a human sacrifice, they don't die," Giff interrupted her. "They are transported to his private dimension, where they are cocooned, preserved, and used as a food and energy source without harming them. (Well, not usually, anyway.) The truly worthy ones receive his cells in a blessed communion and are reborn as demons. You… You did not know this?"

How odd. Akaishi should've told the Deadmans this… Wait, had he actually told Akaishi sacrifices didn't necessarily have to die? He thought he had. He had at least written it down somewhere, right?

…Shit, was this Norte Chico all over again?

She blinked again, stunned. "I… No. I didn't. Then… Wait. Are you saying…"

Giff nodded. "The other Deadmans executives and everyone else Giff consumed as a sacrifice to replenish his energy are all alive."

Her face hardened. "Even Olteca?"

"Yes, even him-"

Giff jumped as Hana slammed the hammer into the board so hard it broke, then took a step forward, grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him close. "Why. Is he. ALIVE?!"

"Because… Because he is loyal, and useful, and contains a delectable blend of malevolent energies?" Giff stammered, wondering why she was so upset.

Hana trembled with rage for a moment, then froze, glancing over Giff's shoulder. Giff turned to see what she was looking at and saw she was staring at Tamaki, still at the shooting gallery, blushing as his admirers flirted with him.

"What about Yosuke?"

"Who?" Giff asked in confusion.

Hana snarled at him. "Right. Of course you wouldn't remember his name. Yosuke Okuda. Tamaki's best friend. Olteca turned him into a Gifftarian before his eyes. Is he alive, too? Are all the people who got stamped and turned into Gifftarians-"

"Ah. No. No, those sacrifices are all dead," Giff said apologetically. "Because they were not taken by Giff directly, they were completely consumed in the process of creating a Gifftarian. While I – I mean Giff absorbed the energies from their deaths, there… There was nothing left of them to preserve in his realm." He hesitated, then said, "I am sorry for this…Yosuke's death. I was not aware that Olteca had done that."

This didn't mollify Hana in the slightest. "And if you had known? Would it have made any difference to you? Oh, I'm sorry, to Giff?"

Strange, why had she phrased it like that? "No," he admitted. "It probably wouldn't have."

"Of course not," Hana said spitefully, clenching her fists.

The two of them stared at each other, Giff feeling increasingly awkward while Hana just seethed.

"You know, I still would have allowed myself to be sacrificed," Hana said after a moment. "Even if I thought I was actually going to die. Even if I was starting to feel something for Sakura I wasn't quite ready to admit yet. I would've done it. I still loved him."

"You… Did?" Giff asked, surprised. "But… Then why-"

"I offered myself up to him. Just before he and Olteca fused into the Anomalocaris Deadman. Asked what he wanted me to do. If I could still be his vessel. And you know what he did?" Hana spat. "He slapped me. I'd given him my entire life, and he just threw me away and went to fucking Olteca instead." She trembled in hatred. "I did everything for him. It was all for him. And he just didn't care."

Giff was wordless for a moment. Was this… How she had really felt? Had he really…

"I… Maybe he thought that you had rejected him first," Giff said hesitantly.

Hana blinked. "What?"

"Even in his sarcophagus, I – Giff would have heard your prayers. Your promises of love. That you would rule the world together. And perhaps he, who has lived for so long and yet never had anyone he could truly consider an equal, a companion, was… Looking forward to it as well," Giff said hesitantly. "And then… You turned yourself into a Deadman. You lost your purity and were no longer capable of being his bride. Not… Not in the way he had imagined. Perhaps… He thought that if you would throw that quality away so easily, perhaps you… Had never really loved him at all." He fidgeted. "And maybe he was jealous of the fact that you were clearly developing feelings for his descendant."

Hana stared at him for a long time, and then she started laughing harshly. "You really think that? I mean, that Giff thinks that?"

"… Maybe?" Giff offered cautiously.

"Then Giff is a complete idiot who doesn't understand the first thing about humans or love or anything other than himself," Hana shouted vindictively, eyes burning with hatred.

"… You may very well be correct," Giff said quietly.

"Leaving that behind, leaving Aguilera behind and falling in love with Sakura is the best thing that ever happened to me," Hana continued. "I'm going to marry her one day, for real, and the love we'll share will be way better than whatever I thought I could ever have had with Giff."

"She… Is a good match for you," Giff said softly.

"I fucking well know it and I don't need your approval," Hana snapped, shoving past him. "I'm going to watch Sakura demolish the high striker. You do whatever the hell you want, I don't give a damn."

Giff watched solemnly as she immediately plastered a smile on her face and pranced over to her girlfriend, gushing about how strong and sexy she was and how she'd totally show everyone up. Sensing eyes on him, Giff glanced over to the bench where he saw Lovekov and Astarte giving him pitying looks. Bristling, he turned away and walked over to the high striker, unable to bear it.

A HumaGear operator frowned at the destroyed game and hung a "Out of Service" sign on it, much to the disappointment of everyone else who had wanted to take a whack at it.

The "high striker" appeared to be some sort of test of strength where someone hit a lever with a mallet, causing a puck resembling Kamen Rider Zero-One to shoot up a tower, which was topped with a bell resembling the satellite Ark. From what he gleaned from the sign listing the rules - which had an image of Kamen Rider Vulcan on the side for some reason, just like all the signs with rules throughout the park - the harder the lever was hit, the higher the puck would rise, and if it went high enough, you would get a prize.

He had every expectation Sakura would get the grand prize. She was his descendant, after all.

Hana scowled when she noticed Giff had followed her, and proceeded to drape herself over a confused but very receptive Sakura, peppering her with kisses and words of affection, both irritating and arousing many of the other people waiting in line behind her.

Odd. Why was Hana doing this? Was this regular behavior for her? He thought it might be…

"Hana, that's very sweet of you, but if I'm going to get the grand prize I'm going to need both my arms free," Sakura reluctantly told her girlfriend.

Very reluctantly, Hana let go of her, pouting adorably. "Have you ever won the grand prize before, Sakura?"

"I've come close," Sakura said, rubbing her hands together. "But I never quite made it. Things are different now, though. I'm a Kamen Rider. I've gotten a lot stronger. I think I can do this."

"You totally can, Sakura!" Hana cooed.

"Indeed, you're more than strong enough-" Giff started.

"Nobody asked you," Hana snapped.

Sakura frowned at them. "Did something happen between the two of you-"

"No. Swing the hammer! I want the grand prize!" Hana demanded.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think I'm going to give you the grand prize?"

"What's yours is mine! That's how being in a relationship works," Hana insisted, the smile on her face showing she didn't really mean that. Probably.

Sakura rolled her eyes but chuckled good-naturedly. "Well, here goes."

She lifted the hammer over her head and brought it down on the lever…

And the entire apparatus crumpled beneath the force of her blow, the ground underneath it cratering, the tower toppling over and crushing a conveniently empty hot dog stand, but not before the puck shot up the tower and slammed into the bell so hard it shattered, the puck flying off into the distance and disappearing.

Sakura's jaw dropped.

"Holy crap," Hana whispered, eyes wide in disbelief and serious arousal.

Giff applauded. "Well done! Excellent job, Sakura!"

"What… What was that?" Sakura stammered in disbelief as the line behind her dissolved, the other parkgoers suddenly deciding they didn't want to be anywhere near the woman who had utterly destroyed a strength test by accident.

"You won! Marvelous! Sla-" Wait, right, HumaGear didn't like being called that. "Servile," he amended quickly, putting himself on the back. "Award my cousin the grand prize!"

The HumaGear attendant stared at him blankly. "Your cousin just broke the machine."

Giff pointed at the rules. "It says that whoever manages to ring the bell gets the grand prize. It doesn't say anything about what happens if the machine is broken in the process."

The HumaGear frowned and regarded the rules for a moment. A cloud briefly passed over the sun, a hole opening in it and allowing a shaft of sunlight to illuminate the image of Vulcan and the words topping the sign, "It's my rule!"

"Well, I suppose I can't argue with St. Fuwa," the HumaGear conceded, picking up a massive life-size plushy of Izu Hiden and handing it to a stunned Sakura. "Here you go, Miss."

"How did I… How did I do that?!" Sakura stammered, horrified. "I wasn't… I wasn't transformed, I shouldn't have been able to…"

"That's because your Giff cells are growing stronger, granting you power far beyond that of mere humans even when you aren't in your Rider form," Giff explained.

"My cells are getting… Why are they getting stronger?!" A shocked Sakura demanded.

"Because of your God Dragon Vistamp, of course. Every time you use it to transform, you strengthen your Giff cells, losing your humanity and growing closer to your glorious apotheosis as a demon God!" Giff said proudly.

She stared at him in horror.

"… You do not seem pleased by this revelation."

"That's because I'm not!" She screamed.

"Why not?" Giff asked, confused. "You are becoming something greater than human!"

"I like being human!"

"Really? Why?" Giff asked, dumbfounded.

Sakura opened and closed her mouth a few times as she stared at him, incredulous.

Fuming, Hana shouted, "GEORGE!"

"Yeah?" George, who was being fed a corn dog by his gorilla mother, yelled back.

"Did you know that the God Dragon Vistamp was slowly turning Sakura into a demon?!" Hana demanded.

"Oh, yeah, totally," George said casually.

Hana gawked at him. "… And you didn't think to mention this before?!"

George frowned at her. "We kind of did, though? Daddy mentioned it might make her an even greater threat to the world than Giff?"

"You never said it would make her lose her humanity!" Hana snapped.

George shrugged. "There's a long tradition of a Rider's final form causing them to gradually lose their humanity and become something else, though granted, it's usually the primary Rider who has to worry about that."

"Then why didn't you tell us?!" Hana demanded.

"Because it's also traditional for the Rider in question to not realize they're losing their humanity until it's too late to do anything about it, by which point, after going through a great deal of existential horror, they reluctantly agree that a sacrifice like this is necessary for the greater good and fight on to the bitter end, no matter the consequences," George replied.

Hana's eye twitched as she trembled with rage. "Well, can you fix it?!"

"No," George said bluntly. "Is it really that big a deal? I mean, she'll still be Sakura, she just won't be fully human anymore. And hey, your last significant other was basically a giant demonic vagina, so…"

"The sarcophagus didn't look that much like human genitalia, did it?" Giff protested.

Hana whirled on Giff. "You! Can you fix this?!"

"No," Giff said quickly. "After all, I am merely Cousin Giffrey, and wouldn't even know where to begin-"

"Oh for… Would GIFF know how to fix it?!" She demanded.

"Oh! Also no," Giff informed her.

"I'm… I'm going to become a demon?" Sakura whispered, horrified. "I… I don't…"

"MOMMY!"

Immediately snapping out of her existential funk by her daughter's cry, Sakura threw the plushy at Hana and raced over. "Hang on, Lovekov! Mommy's coming!"

"And so is mama," Hana grunted as she staggered after Sakura, struggling to carry the enormous plushy. "Okay, kind of seeing the benefits of demonic physiology right now…"

"So!" George asked Giff brightly. "Can we circle back to you giving me one of your eyes-"

"I'm coming too," Giff announced, hurrying after Hana.

George scowled. "At this rate, how am I ever going to complete the Chimera Driver?"

"Ook," the gorilla said, trying to stuff the corndog in his mouth.

"Not now, mother!"

When Giff caught up with the couple, they were listening to a sobbing Lovekov, gesticulating wildly in front of a booth manned by a weaselly looking human – Giff had to do a double take to confirm that yes, the attendant was indeed a human, one of the few Park employees he'd seen so far that wasn't a HumaGear – while being hugged by a very sympathetic Astarte.

"Okay, Lovekov, honey, I'm currently dealing with an existential nightmare right now, so could you please start from the top, a little slower?" Sakura begged her demon.

"And can someone take this from me? It's really heavy," Hana whined from beneath the Izu plushy.

"I can-" Giff offered.

"On second thought, it's not that bad," Hana very clearly lied, hugging the plushy that much tighter.

Lovekov sniffled and started again. "S-so Astarte and I were looking for a fun game to play, and then I saw that one of the prizes being given out at this booth was this really fluffy bee plushy, so fluffy it makes me wanna die, and it reminded me of Astarte because it's cute and fluffy and buggy just like her, so I wanted to win it to give it to her as a gift and make her super impressed and show her how much I love her and get lots of cuddles and maybe rub my face in her breasts a little-"

"Little Lamia, I would've allowed you to do that anyway," Astarte assured her gently.

"I-I know that! But you always look so cool and mature and gorgeous, and I'm just this short dumpy cuddly cute thing when I'm not fighting alongside Mommy, and I like being short dumpy cuddly and cute, but it makes me a little self-conscious because I'm nowhere near as pretty as you and wanted you to know that I can still be a g-good partner even like this," Lovekov whimpered, tearing up again.

"Oh, darling…" Astarte murmured sadly.

"S-so I tried to play the game and win the prize, but then I remembered that I'm short and my arms are so stubby I can't really throw things well and I kept missing the target and even when I somehow managed to hit one of the bottles it didn't fall over and I've spent all the yen you gave me and the operator was so mean and now, and now I feel like such a lo-ho-ho-ho-hoser!" She wailed, bawling.

Giff scratched his head, confused. "I. Um. I don't want to be insensitive, but is this… Is this truly a big deal?"

"It is to her," Astarte said harshly.

Lovekov crouched down to look her demon in the eye. "Lovekov, sweetie, how can Mommy make this all better?"

Lovekov sniffled, then gave her mother a hopeful look. "Could… Do you think we could change into our God Dragon Genome, so I'll be big and tall and can totally win?"

Sakura flinched. "I'm… I'm not sure we should be using God Dragon for something like this, sweetie."

"But we used it just the other day for that concert-"

"I'm going to need to have a long talk with George and Mr. Masumi before I use it again," Sakura said quickly. Forcing a smile to her face, she said, "How about this? Why don't I play the game and win the prize, and then you can give it to Astarte?"

"But… But then I won't have earned it," Lovekov protested.

"Dearsnake, I assure you that I will love any present that comes from you, for I know it is from the heart," Astarte promised, kissing Lovekov on the cheek and causing her to turn very red and start breathing very hard.

Sakura smirked. "I'll take that as a yes."

She rose and turned to face the booth operator. "So, what do I have to do to win the bee for my kid?"

The human grinned. Giff did not like that grin. He was hiding something. "Pretty simple, Miss. You pay for three balls, and you just have to throw them at these here toy Fullbottles," he said, nodding at a stack of colorful bottles shaped like animals or a variety of other objects standing at the back of the booth. They kind of reminded Giff of Vistamps, actually. "Knock some down, you get a prize. Knock them all down, you get a big prize."

"Seems simple enough," Sakura muttered.

Hana, managing to peek out from behind her plushy, frowned. "A little too simple. Sakura, aren't games like these always super rigged?"

Sakura shook her head. "Not at Hiden Land, the games are always fair. Especially after the scandal at Hiden Land Europe." She put some money on the counter. "Give me three balls, though I'm only going to need one."

The operator grinned but put three balls before her. "Not the first person to say that, young lady. Show me what you got."

Sakura narrowed her eyes and reached for one of the balls… And hesitated. "Wait… Is this a good idea?" She suddenly asked. "I mean, I destroyed that last game…"

"Maybe try not going all out on this one?" Giff suggested. "Surely a fighter as skilled as yourself knows how to suppress their power."

"I'm not used to having this much power… But you're right, if I dial it back a bit I should be fine," Sakura murmured. She glanced at Lovekov, who was looking at her hopefully. Her expression melted. "And besides, it's for my daughter."

She picked up one of the balls, took a deep breath, and then threw it at the stack of bottles. The projectile shot through the air, striking the stack…

And bounced off. The bottles didn't even wobble.

Sakura blinked and the devious grin on the operator's face grew. "What the…"

She grabbed another ball and threw it at the stack, a little harder this time.

Again, she hit dead center.

Again, it just bounced off.

The operator started snickering as Sakura, red in the face, grabbed the last ball, clutching it hard enough to create divots, and threw it even harder…

And once again, it just bounced off.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Told you it was rigged," Hana grunted, sweat rolling down her face as the effort of carrying the plushy started to rather literally weigh on her.

"But that's… How?!" Sakura demanded, shocked and outraged.

"He's using magnets!" Vice announced as he and Ikki approached, the latter looking rather sullen. "The bottles are all magnetized so they'll stick together and won't fall over, no matter how hard you hit them!"

"How could you possibly know that?" Astarte asked in surprise.

"Our Ultimate form uses magnetic energy, so I can recognize that sort of thing now," Vice bragged. "Also, it's a classic trick!"

"What are you two doing here? I thought you had a lot more time left at the bumper cars," Hana asked the duo.

Ikki slowly pointed over to the bumper car arena, which was currently on fire, with numerous children crying and being hugged by their parents as HumaGears chased an out-of-control car and people fleeing out of a nearby café that now inexplicably had a bumper car smashed through the wall. "We are banned for life," he said, a haunted look in his eyes.

"Well, Ikki, this is what comes from having road rage, this is why you don't have a license," Vice told Ikki, who looked as if he was seconds away from bringing his neck.

"Wait, you don't need a license to drive a bumper car?" Giff asked in surprise. "You mean I could've tried it this whole time?!"

Everyone paused to consider this for a moment.

"Yeah, no, I think if you'd tried the whole park would be on fire now," Vice told Giff bluntly.

"Not the whole park," Giff muttered defensively.

"And you! How could you possibly rig this game?" Vice demanded of the booth operator. "Especially after what happened in Hiden Land Europe!"

Ikki nodded in agreement. "Yes, Hiden Land is supposed to be a place where people smile, not get ripped off! Well, not ripped off more than they already are since this place is kind of expensive."

"Capitalism is the real demon," Vice suggested sagely.

The operator laughed malevolently. "Oh, but you see, unlike those namby-pamby HumaGears who love to make people happy, I am a disciple of the Ark! I take pleasure in making people suffer, injecting negativity into their lives, maliciously snuffing out joy wherever I find it, all as the Ark wills it!"

"The Ark wants you to make people angry by running a rigged carnival game?" Hana asked skeptically.

The operator shrugged. "Petty acts of cruelty are easier to commit and generate more malice in the long run than large-scale acts of supervillainy."

"He has a point," Giff admitted.

"Wait, how can a servant of the Ark possibly work here? The whole park is run by dedicated followers of the Church of the Divine Zero!" Ikki protested.

"They aren't allowed to discriminate based on religious affiliation in their hiring practices," the operator explained.

"Oh."

"And so long as I am in charge here, you will never win the grand prize!" The servant of the purest evil crowed. "Never! I might let you win one of the smaller ones, but nobody's ever getting the big bee! Maybe one of the smaller ones, like this bat," he said, holding up an extremely small bat plushy.

"Nooooooooooo! I don't want a bat!" Lovekov cried. "They make me think of uncle Daiji and uncle Kagerou, who are losers and I hate them!"

"Ikki, we can't let them get away with this! Let's transform and kick his ass!" Vice declared.

"Vice, we can't do that, he's not a monster," Ikki protested.

"He made Lovekov cry!"

Ikki considered this. "… Okay, I can see where you're coming from, but…"

Enraged, Sakura slapped some more yen down. "Let's do another round. I'll use more of my strength this time, there's no way some stupid magnets will beat me this time!"

"No. Allow me."

Sakura looked up in surprise as Giff stepped up next to her. "What are you-"

"Leave this to me, cousin," Giff said, narrowing his eyes menacingly at the evil barker. Ever since he'd first learned of the Ark, maybe an hour or two ago, he'd anticipated a clash with the evil AI. He had not expected the artificial God to make the first move, and against a member of his family at that!

Well, this would not stand. The Ark had just started a war it could not possibly win! It was personal now!

"Should. Should we. Should we be stopping this?" A worried Ikki asked.

"No, hang on, I want to see where he's going with this," Vice said eagerly.

The wicked man leered at Giff, clearly unafraid. The fool. "Sure, go right ahead. You know the rules."

"I do indeed," Giff retorted. "And I won't be needing any of those balls!"

He raised a hand, red energy crackling around it, and fired a massive blast of crimson energy which vaporized the bottles and blew a massive hole through the back of the booth.

"There!" He declared triumphantly as everyone stared at him in disbelief. "I am victorious! No bottle stands! Give me my prize!"

The stunned barker looked at the giant hole in the back of his booth and the scorch mark that was all that remained of the stack of bottles. "Yeah, no."

Giff blinked. "Wait, what?"

"You only get a prize if you knock down bottles with one of the balls," the evil evil man said, nodding at the untouched balls on the counter. "Instead you just up and vaporized them. So you get nothing. Get lost."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Hana swore.

"Boo! You suck!" Vice shouted.

Lovekov started crying again, and had to be comforted by Astarte.

Giff slumped, stunned. "But… But I…"

Sakura patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Thanks for trying, Giffrey. I appreciate the effort."

"But… But the prize," Giff protested. "This man was cheating! He has to face justice for making your daughter cry!"

"Trust me, I want to cave his head in myself," Sakura admitted. "But that won't help anything, and I don't want to serve as a bad example to my daughter."

"You know, a case can be made saying that you already are-" Vice started, only for Ikki to elbow him.

"Astarte, you… Surely you cannot believe this man should be left unpunished for cheating your beloved out of what is rightfully hers!" Giff desperately pleaded with his fellow ancient super demon.

Astarte took a deep breath. "Oh, believe you me, I want this man to suffer in ways unfathomable to mortal minds… But I know it is not what my love would want, and so I shall hold myself back, this once. I suggest you do the same."

"I want to kill him too, but Sakura wouldn't like it, so I won't," Hana said. "Also I'm kind of overburdened right now, so…"

Giff faltered, glancing around for support, but while all of them looked uncomfortable and sympathetic, it was clear nobody wanted to push the issue further. He sighed. "Oh… Very well, I suppose that I shall LOOK OVER THERE!"

Only Lovekov turned to look at where he was pointing. Everyone else just gave him exasperated looks. "Really? You really think we're going to fall for that-" Vice started.

Lovekov gasped. "Everybody, look!"

Everyone turned to look and saw that the goldfish game booth was somehow on fire and Genta was running around screaming, his hair ablaze, as Yukimi frantically chased after him, trying to put him out with a bucket of water that still had goldfish in it.

As everyone stared at the tableau in disbelief, Giff opened a portal behind the embodiment of petty cruelty and shoved him through. Tortured screams and the breaking of bones could be heard, and moments later a Hell Gifftarian wearing the barker's tattered and bloodstained clothes emerged, the portal closing behind him. "I have changed my mind," he said loudly, drawing everyone's attention back to him. "I have realized dedicating myself to a digital embodiment of evil is foolish and shortsighted and will only lead to my own ruin, and now shall worship the one true Savior of my pitiful species, Lord Giff."

He reached up and grabbed an extremely large and fluffy bee plushy and gave it to Giff, bowing his head in penitence. "To make up for my sins against the Igarashis, Lord Giff's chosen family, take this gift as a token of my sincerest apologies."

"You're forgiven," Giff said magnanimously, taking the plushy and giving it to an overjoyed Lovekov. "Here you go, cousin. One gift for your beloved."

Lovekov squealed in delight and hugged her new plushy, which was at least as big as she was, in delight. "It's so FLUFFY! Astarte, feel how fluffy it is!"

"Lovekov, are we really going to ignore that Cousin Giffrey clearly killed and replaced oh goodness this is very fluffy," Astarte murmured, eyes going wide as Lovekov pressed the plushy into her body.

"Giffrey! What did you do to the real barker?!" Sakura demanded.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. This is the real barker right here. Isn't that right, real barker?" Giff asked the Hell Gifftarian.

"Yes, master!" The Hell Gifftarian replied.

"You see? Everything's fine and the real barker most certainly isn't suffering a horrible death at the hands of a legion of demons and we should probably get out of here now before anyone comes to bother us about the explosion I just caused, the game you destroyed, the game Hana destroyed, the ride Ikki and Vice demolished, and whatever your parents did to that goldfish place," Giff said, hurriedly pushing everyone away from the booth.

"But… But we can't just-" Sakura protested.

"Babe, do you want to get banned from Hiden Land for life?" Hana asked.

"… Not particularly," she admitted.

"Then we can deal with whatever Giffrey just did later, accept that our daughter and her girlfriend are very happy, and leave before the cops show up," Hana urged her.

George, who was being fed peanuts by his gorilla mother, shook his head in amusement as the motley group quickly grabbed Genta, Yukimi, and a very bewildered Tamaki and booked it out of there. "This is the best day ever."

"Ook."

The Hell Gifftarian, left to his own devices, started stacking more bottles and waited for new customers to try their luck, ignoring how the fires seemed to be spreading and people were running around screaming. It wasn't like he had anything better to do, after all.