It keeps slipping through my fingers.
Everything I was and everything I wanted to be,
like sand in a closed fist.
October 2010
Rory walked outside the hotel, dragging her suitcase behind her. She lifted her hand to shade her eyes from the peircing sunlight. It seemed to be punishing her for all the late night drinking.
"You got everything?" Logan asked, coming out of the car. He was dressed in a crisp white shirt and black pants, his sunglasses blocking the sunlight out.
"Yes." Rory leaned in to kiss Logan on the cheek.
Rory didn't know why she did that. Place her hands on Logan's arms and kiss both his cheeks. It was very European of her. And she never liked any displays of affection. They were not her medium of communication or affection.
Whereas Logan was unfazed by the gesture. Like he was used to girls greeting him like this all the time. She shook the thought out of her mind. Instead, she focused on how fresh and rested Logan looked even after gruesome hours they spent in the conference yesterday, followed by going out with his work-friends.
The only thing that didn't go with his neat attire was his hair, sticking out in every general direction. And Rory was sure that was intentional. On the days of the conference, he styled his hair neatly to look presentable as a well-reputed member of one of the most significant media ventures. Unlike today. Today he seemed very informal.
"You sure you don't want to stop for breakfast anywhere before we head back?" Logan asked, placing his hand at the small of her back and leading her to his car.
"Don't tempt me, Logan. Straight to the airport. I can't believe I am even saying this, and I will deny it if you ever bring it up in the future, but I can't even think about putting anything in my mouth right now." Rory said, scooting inside the car, making room for Logan.
"Are you sure? Because I would hate for these to go to waste." Logan said, waving a purple box at her.
Damn him for dangling her new favourite rolls in front of her, especially after she told him she didnt have any apitite this morning. But he didn't know why she refused to eat anything before their very long flight.
"Give to me." Rory said, leaving forward and snatching the purple box from his hand. She opened the box and let the amazing cinnamon aroma fill the car and herself. This had to do for now.
Logan witnessed the whole scene with a lot of amusement. He liked how her eyes widened with excitement when she fugured out what he had in his hands. He especially liked how her lips curved into a smile as she took the smell of Schnecken in, and the sigh she let out at the end made him feel some type of way.
Rory closed the box and tugged it safely by her side.
"Now I am really worried." Logan said, furrowing his eyebrows together.
"I told you I am not hungry." Rory said, closing her eyes and resting her head back on the seat.
"Ace, come on. Tell me. You look pale as a ghost." Logan asked.
Rory opened one eye to look at him. He really did look concerned.
"Well, I am kind of - afraid of the heights."
"Be glad that we are not going bungee jumping then."
"Along with tight spaces." Rory closed her eyes again.
"No one is cramping you in a poorly ventilated room." Logan played the game.
"Not a very big fan of sudden jerks of motions either." Rory said, clenching her eyes tighter.
"Ace, just tell me. What's going on?" Logan pressed. "Are you by any chance trying to say that you are afraid of flying?"
"Aviophobia." Rory nodded.
"So take a Xanax or something." Logan laughed. She was definitely making a bigger deal out of it than it was but then again he never had a problem jumping out of a flying plane so he couldn't empathize with her fear of being inside one.
"I can't just take a Xanax or something. It's a prescription drug. I cannot pop it like MnMs. Are you not aware of the prescription drug abuse in the country?" Rory said, looking at Logan.
"Oh my god, Ace. Relax." Logan said, rolling his eyes. "How did you get to this part of the Atlantic then? You didn't swim here, did you?"
"I was too worked up that time. I was looking forward to getting out of the country, and I had this big fight with my boyfri- I was very eager to get out of the country. But now that I am all calm and relaxed, this stupid scary feeling is crawling back in." Rory said with a long sigh.
"Well, as much as I would love to take the credit for you unclenching, I had nothing to do with it. Not very much anyways." Logan smirked, "So, tell me, what can I do to help?"
"Nothing. I just have to ride it out. Reach home, safely. Maybe drink a glass or two of champagne."
"Oh Logan, thank god I found you." Piper said, coming out of nowhere to Logan and Rory as they were waiting for their bags. "I didn't know you changed your seats on the flight back."
"Uh, It was very last minute." Logan said, picking up his bags.
"Okay." Piper said, and her eyes connected with Rory for just a second. "So the guys and I are going directly to the office. Your dad left quite a few messages. Your secretary should contact you soon."
Logan switched on his phone. The bliss of his call free life was about to be shattered after a pleasant 12 hours. He was sure his phone would blow up with a million voicemails as soon as he stepped off the plane. He was just prolonging the moment.
"Mr. Huntzberger is in the city to discuss the Concord monitor. They are getting other offers; we need to close soon." Piper updated Logan as he scrolled through his messages.
Mitchum Huntzberger? Rory pretended to ignore their conversation while picking up her bags.
"Everything okay?" Rory asked. Her eyes darting between Logan, who looked downright frustrated, to Piper, waiting impatiently for Logan to say something.
"Alright, I'll head right back. I'll see you guys there." Logan said finally.
"Great." Piper said to Logan and then spun on her heels to face Rory. "Don't forget what I told you."
"I won't." Rory said with a small smile
"Huh, what was that about?" Logan asked, confused as Piper left them alone again.
"'I'll let you know when I figure it out." Rory chuckled.
They fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"So, you have to be… somewhere?" Rory broke the silence, asking carefully and casually masking her disappointment.
"Yeah, sorry about that, Ace." Logan said with a pained expression, shoving his hands into in his pockets. "It's just my father. He's very… neurotic about these things. I have to be in there to make sure our offers go through as it is. And he doesn't end up shitting all over my plan. I need to go straight to the office."
"That's okay. I can take a cab. It would have been a pretty big detour for you anyway." Rory said. Now that they were back in the city, she knew she would have to eventually come back to the reality and say goodbye to Logan. A reality where she wasn't attending a conference during the day and exploring a foreign city by night. One where her very real boyfriend probably awaited her arrival, where she couldn't ignore his existence based on a voicemail.
"You sure?" Logan asked, his eyebrows drawn together.
"Yes." Rory nodded. Rory didn't know what was the hardest at the moment—leaving Hamburg behind her or giving up on the hopes of staying in touch with Logan.
"Thanks for being such a good company these past few days." Rory leaned over to kiss Logan goodbye on his cheek.
Logan was taken aback by that. He thought they were at least friends by now. He wouldn't stay awake the entire flight for just anybody. Or listen to them rant and ramble drunkenly for a good six hours and find it incredibly interesting. And the look on the flight attendants face was priceless when he asked to be shifted to a seat in the economy section.
As Rory turned around to leave, Logan called out loudly, "I'll see you around, Ace."
Now that they were both back in New York City, Rory knew they had no reason to run into each other. They both ran in very different circles except for a few nights a year when she decides to play the role of a perfect society granddaughter.
The past few days were like an alternative reality for her. Now she had no reason to casually call up Logan Huntzberger and ask where they were going for dinner that night. She couldn't casually sneak up from behind him when the conference ended and compliment his speech. She couldn't call him out on his complete disregard for the city's rules and regulations when he wouldn't stop feeding the obviously overweight ducks at the park.
They had no reason to stay in touch because she had no reason to be in Logan's life.
"I'll be the one with the books." Rory said, turning around, looking at Logan standing where she left him, holding his bags in one hand, clutching his phone with the other. She looked at him until his frame started getting blurry, and she knew she had to get out of there right that second.
She walked back to the next available cab. Breathing calmly, only she was sure she was in the confines of a cab and couldn't change her mind.
Rory reached her apartment, ready to crash, her eyelids laying heavy on her eyes. Everything was already planned and finished for her day back at the office except her. She felt exhausted just thinking about it. And before going through that, there was a slight chance that she might see Jess back in the apartment. A part of her hoped he would be in the apartment. She didn't want to return home to an empty apartment.
Rory rang the bell and waited patiently for the door to be flung open, wherein she would be greeted with a body numbing hug, some spinning around the room. She knew she could succeed in forgetting all about Hamburg if that happened. That was just wishful thinking. Because it never did.
A few minutes later, when her senses returned, she knew she shouldn't be standing alone outside her apartment door for even a minute too long. Her apartment wasn't the best money could offer. Her grandparents insisted upon better living quarters, but she didn't do handouts. Besides, her apartment was decent. And cheap.
Her apartment had all basic amenities, just not in the finest part of Staten Island. But that's all her rookie salary got her. Even with Jess's salary being better than hers, good chunk of it went back into the bookstore he was trying to turn into a publishing house with some guys who moved to the city from Philadelphia. She never really got around to meeting the guys Jess worked with every day. She came close one time but ended up cancelling at the last minute due to layout issues at her office.
Rory unlocked her door, switching on all the lights on her way inside. She looked around her apartment, and everything looked exactly the same. Not that it would look much different even if Jess did indeed decide to pack up and leave while she was away. Most of the items in their apartment resulted from her hour-long shopping trips accompanied by her mother.
She decided to order dinner before making the list to determine how she should approach Jess about their situation when he would show up. After going without food for almost an entire day, she was ready for Indian food with a movie.
Rory was eating her food with her eyes glued to the television when she heard the keys jingling outside her door. Her whole body froze when she realized the door handle to her apartment was being pressed. She quickly picked up the nearest object in her hand, gripping it as hard as she could. Her eyes waited patiently for the intruder to reveal themselves.
"Hey, you're home." Jess said and looked to see the object she was holding on to with all her might, "You planning on throwing that at me?"
"What?" Rory asked confusedly and then looked at the remote in her hand, "Oh, I thought you were breaking into the apartment."
"And you had me shaking in my boots with the weapon of your choice." Jess chuckled as he put his keys in the bowl.
Rory switched off the television and kept the remote on the table. "So, How was California?"
"Getting right to the chases, huh? Well, it was pretty good. Very sunny, not that I have anything against the sun." Jess said.
"Good. That's good." Rory nodded nervously.
"What about you? How was your conference? Learn much in Hamburg?" Jess asked, putting groceries into the fridge from the brown paper bags he brought with him.
"Yes, some. It was pretty good." Rory said, observing him quietly as he moved around in the kitchen.
She was running out of things to talk about with Jess. Rory could probably ask him more about the weather in California, but she couldn't care less about it being sunny and oceany. She could guess all that from Jess's tan.
Rory got up to clean the table as Jess approached the couch.
"Rory, listen. Um… wait a second." Jess said, placing a hand on her wrist pulling her back down onto the couch with him.
"We need to talk." Jess said, awkwardly. "About things… about us."
"We do." Rory agreed.
"I know I haven't been the best boyfriend to you lately. And I …. You deserve so much more." Jess started.
Rory felt a weight lift off her chest. She didn't even know the weight was there until Jess started going that route.
"After that voicemail, I thought you were leaving for good. Seeing you here today is kind of a surprise." Rory admitted candidly.
"You did? Why?" Jess asked, offended by the notion. "I would never do that to you, Rory."
"Can you blame me? It has happened before." Rory defended herself.
"In the past. You can't still blame me for all that. We decided, Rory. We decided if we were to do this again. We have to let go and forget everything that happened before." Jess said.
"You are right. We did." Rory agreed and let Jess take her hands into his.
"Good. Now, when my father called me to California, I didn't want to go because I was afraid of this." Jess gestured at Rory. "I knew you would react like this. But you have to understand, Rory, that I had to go. I couldn't have him call me and not go. Do you understand? I had to know why he was suddenly calling me out of the blue. At first, I wasn't even gonna go. But I'm glad I did."
"Okay." Rory said.
"I'm sorry. I know I might have acted like an ass the last few months, but I'm here now, and I'm going to be good. We are going to be good." Jess said, his eyes seeking Rory's but never finding the warmth he was looking for in them.
"So, you're not moving to California?" Rory asked for good measure.
"What? No!" Jess exclaimed loudly. "What I am saying now is," Jess said, running his hand through his fingers and taking a moment to collect his thoughts.
His hair was longer now than when they started going out in high school. Rory thought it suited him well when they ran into each other six months ago. It was one of the many new things she assumed she would have to get used to about reconnecting with an ex. The changed habits, the new quirks picked up along the years apart. The changes they both must have endured with time. But she didn't notice that many.
"I am here now. With you. For good." Jess said, squeezing Rory's hands.
Rory was surprised to hear him say that. She had spent the past couple of days preparing herself about going her separate way from Jess. She had assumed he wouldn't even return to the east coast anytime soon. Promising to be a better man was not even a possibility she had considered when she lay awake at night.
"Jess, I'm sorry." Rory said softly.
"What? No, you are not listening. You have nothing to be sorry about. I do, and I am." Jess placed a hand on Rory's face to make her look at him. Her refusal to look him in the eyes right now ticked him off.
"I can't do this anymore. I tried, I really did." Rory said, shrugging her shoulders.
Rory looked at Jess to say something, but she couldn't read him.
"Jess, say som-"
"Is there anything that I can say that would change your mind?" Jess asked.
"No." Rory said sighed
"Did you sleep with someone else?" Jess asked.
"No." Rory said meekly.
"Well, that was convincing," Jess said, getting up from the couch.
"No! I did not." Rory said, "But I might as well have."
"What?"
"I wanted to, Jess. And it kills me that I could even think about doing such a thing. But I didn't. I couldn't do that to you. I would never do that to you. But Jess-" Rory admitted, tears escaping her eyes.
"But what!?" Jess asked. "'What else is there?"
"I shouldn't have wanted to. But I did." Rory said, looking up from her hands.
"So that's it then. You are leaving me for some random guy you met at that stupid conference. And now you are going to do what? Move to Germany or something?" Jess spat angrily.
"I am not leaving you for anybody, Jess. And I am not moving to Hamburg." Rory said. It was funny because that's what she wanted to do until last night.
"I don't believe you. I left California. I left my dad to be in New York with you. Here in this fucking city." Jess said, loudly.
"This is exactly the reason this can't work." Rory said, waving the space between them.
"Oh, she comes up with reasons now." Jess mocked. "What are the reasons, Rory? Do you deem me worthy enough to share them?"
"We are too… different now." Rory tried to list things from the top of her mind without hurting him too much.
"No, we are not." Jess said, shaking his head.
"You hate everything about my life. Everything other than me." Rory snorted. It was funny in a way. How Jess could say, he loved her in a beat and at the same time hated everyone else in it.
"I like things about your life." Jess said, halting his pacing to look directly at Rory.
"Really? Like what?" Rory got up to sit next to the window. All this fighting, and she needed to look outside of their bubble.
"We both love that takeout place a couple of blocks over." Jess said slowly.
Rory kept turning the ring on her finger that her mother bought her on her 21st birthday in Vegas. She wondered if she should tell Jess everything that had been going on in her mind after the initial bliss of their new relationship wore off. Everything was so exciting at first, she wished it stayed like that. Then could try to stay.
"That we do. But you also don't like my life in New York. You call my office friends a group of big fat sellouts." Rory said, dejectedly.
"Because that's what they are." Jess said, placing his hand forward.
"You never go back to Stars Hollow with me. Even though your uncle lives there, who might I add is so proud of you even though you continue to ignore him and your mother." Rory said.
"You stop right there, Rory. You know nothing about the relationship my mother and I share." Jess said, firmly.
"Liz is a different woman now, Jess. Give her a chance. She deserves it." Rory said, shaking her head.
"What do you know about my mother, huh? Know much about my childhood? Were you there when I was going through… what I was going through? I know what it is like to grow up a single mother, an absentee father in a low-income household. Stop pretending you know anything about that life because you don't. I didn't have a spare pair of snooty guardian angels at my beck and call willing to pay for my private school education and college."
Rory didn't realize when the conversation had changed from breaking up to comparing their lives growing up. "Of course. This is just another thing that doesn't work. You dislike my mother, my grandparents. You can't stand to be in the same room with them. I have to be either with you or them. It can never be both."
"Do you know how exhausting it is? First, to spend the fourth of July party at my grandparents, then come back to the city - celebrate it with you. And then go back to Stars Hollow in the morning to spend the weekend with my mom. It's all very, incredibly exhausting." Rory cried out.
"Want to talk about exhausting? How about how Lorelai judges me the moment I walk through her door. She always does. She hates me. I see it all over her face whenever I do visit Stars Hollow. Why don't you think I never want to go back there anymore? And you think I don't know how your grandparents leave the table at the end of the dinner making stupid excuses like - needing to check something in the library or the case of missing dessert in the kitchen when they are actually cutting a check for you!"
"One that I never take!"
"Yeah, no kidding. What about trying to sell you to their friend's rich pricks for sons, huh? How do you think that makes me feel? They will never like me no matter how much I pretend to be nice and polite at their stupid dinners. They just never will. That's the reality. Every time they see us together they are praying for us to break up. I see that every time I step inside their door. Are you surprised that I don't count days until they throw their next wasteful party and are polite enough to consider inviting me?" Jess said, angrily.
"They wouldn't try setting me up with their friends if you accompanied me to these events." Rory said, "Fine, forget them. The office temp asked me out because he thought I was single. After all, you refuse to accompany me at any of my office parties." Rory asked, crossing her arms.
"Well, now you are. So good luck. I'll pick up my things and be out of your hair in the morning." Jess said and picked up the luggage he dropped by the door to take inside the bedroom. He stopped by the door before going inside.
"You know what he called me for? To convince me to stay in California, spend some time together. He wants to make amends, and I refused to be there because I didn't want to leave my girlfriend in another city." Jess said before slamming the bedroom door.
"Wait, Jess. Don't blame that on me." Rory called out from outside the door.
"Jess, let's not…." End things like this. Even as worked up as Rory was, she didn't want this. Jess was too important to her to end their relationship like this. He always would be. Jess reminded her of a part of herself she wasn't sure she had anymore. One that, no matter how hard Rory tried to hold on to, kept slipping through her fingers.
"Jess, open up. This is not the way I want this to go. Not again." Rory knocked over the door several times. Rory rested her forehead against the door and exhaled sharply.
At the lack of any response, Rory finally said, "Fine, stay mad. Let me take my pillows and blanket then."
The door clicked open.
Author's note - I apologize for taking a while to get this chapter out. I spent quite a bit of time this past month outlining this story and when I am thinking a lot in my head, I spend less time actually writing it. Does that make sense? But rest assured I have been working on both the stories, especially this one. You can expect the update to my other story in a few days as well. And I intend to post a couple more chapter of this story this month. So you have time to read and enjoy them during the holidays :)
Anyways, on to your reviews. Please share your thoughts about this chapter :) I'll be eagerly waiting to read them.