A/N: Again, I really, really appreciate the reviews! I like knowing the fact that you are all enjoying this crazy story. It's all in fun. Also, I hope everyone is actually listening to the songs in these chapters, they add so much to the feel that I'm going for. And lastly, we are at the halfway point in this story. Yay! There are 12 planned chapters. I have the final two chapters already written because that's how I do things. I like to know my ending before I start writing the beginning, that way I have something to aim for.
Anyway, enjoy this breath of fresh air before we get back to the nitty-gritty.
Ch. 7: Reprieve
SARA
Los Angeles
It was Monday after her weekend visit with Gil in Las Vegas, that meant she had an email waiting for her to start her week. She always left Sunday night whether he was heading off to work or not. He scheduled one weekend a month to have off to be able to come out to visit her. Due to the nature of his job, being on-call and supervisor, it was hard for him to just up and leave.
She had sent him a text when she'd woken up, telling him "Good Night" despite the fact it was day. This was his bedtime, that was if he wasn't working a double. Sitting down at her desk by the balcony, cup of coffee in her hands, she opened the email that always started "My dearest Sara". It made her smile every time she read those words. There was also a MP3 music file attached to the emails. A song for her every Monday morning to get her started for the week.
She clicked the link and as she read over the email from Gil, the song started playing.
~"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?-"~
"Of course," she said with a smile as the music filled her apartment. "The Beatles."
~"Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day-"~
Her cell phone buzzed on the desk and she picked it up. He'd text back to her "Good Morning." Their morning routine was short and simple, but also sweet. Just two words sent back and forth to let them know that they were thinking of each other.
~"The sun is up, the sky is blue-"~
The email he sent her wasn't like any other email people sent to one another; at least, she didn't think it was. It wasn't sappy, no words of "I miss you" and long written out paragraphs declaring their love and how their day went, etc, etc. Gil didn't do that sort-of thing when speaking to her, or anyone, so there was no expectation that he would send her an email talking about his day or what was on his mind, or mindless small talk and questions like "how are you?" or "what's the weather like out in L.A. today?".
Instead, it was a list. A weekly "To Do" list.
It started with a mantra for her to say every morning this week as she looked into the mirror as she got ready for work. This week he wanted her to say, "I am beautiful and worthy of love."
~"It's beautiful and so are you-"~
That was it. It was simple, but saying those words the first time as she looked at herself in the mirror, applying her makeup, she cried. She had to reapply her mascara twice before she could leave the bathroom.
~"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?-"~
The only things she collected besides books were necklaces. She loved necklaces. Nothing too fancy; she didn't like diamonds and nothing from a chain jeweler. She liked handmade pendant and charm necklaces, like the ones bought from street sales, in markets, or for worthy charitable causes. Gil had the most impressive memory of anyone she'd ever known, and he told her what necklace, for each day of the week, that he wanted her to wear.
It was odd at first. Now every time she put on the necklace and it touched her skin, it made her feel closer to him even though he was far away. Throughout the day when she was having a hard time, stressing, or just missing him, she touched the necklace and thought of him picking it out for her to wear and it made her feel so much better.
~"Dear Prudence, open up your eyes-"~
She always had a difficult time sticking to a healthy diet and not eating enough, or when she should. He had noticed, and even though he didn't tell her what to eat every day, he did put it in the list that she ate at least three healthy meals, her choice, every day. They had to have at least one serving from all the food groups.
~"Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies-"~
She remembered laughing at him for that one, but after a month of sticking to the diet and actually making the time to eat, her body felt better. Her mind felt better. For the first time in a long time, she felt physically healthy. She also stopped smoking and cut back on drinking. Those weren't in the lists, but it was a rule. He didn't have many rules for her, but those were two of them.
After she ate breakfast, she gathered up her stuff for work and headed out.
~"The wind is low, the birds will sing
That you are part of everything-"~
He wanted her to make friends. She didn't have any friends besides Gil, and Hank had kept her from getting to know anyone while they were together. She could have as many friends as she wanted, or as few as she wanted, and all gender it didn't matter. He just wanted her to have at least someone in Los Angeles to be a friend, someone to talk to and enjoy her time off with.
Never being one to make friends easily, she did realize that she had a hard time making friends with other women. She didn't know why it was easier for her to have male friends, but she could never have any before due to jealousy from all her other boyfriends.
Getting to the wildlife reserve, she parked under a tree and headed into the building where she helped to rehabilitate the wildlife that was brought to them injured or abandoned. She also conducted research on the effects of human encroachment, habitat destruction, and the damage of the changing environment on the California ecosystems. It was satisfying work and brought so much life and joy into her life every time she got to release an animal back into its natural habitat.
She was greeted by Andrew, the resident ecologist, and Jill, a veterinarian, and smiled. They were both becoming people she considered friends. They were also married to each other.
Andrew was in his late thirties with wild untamed hair and a beard like a mountain man. He wore a Star Wars t-shirt under his button-down. And she thought Gil was the biggest geek she'd ever met.
Jill looked at her husband and rolled her eyes as he tried to make a comparison between the Jedi Force and human spirituality. "Not this again," she said.
She had brown eyes, almond skin, and didn't look a day over twenty-one despite the fact that she knew she was the same age as Andrew. She always appeared well put together, makeup, nails, and she only watched documentaries and "rom-coms". She'd never ever seen Star Wars. They met in college and have been together ever since. The quintessential odd couple. But they loved one another. It was sweet. They were sweet.
~"Dear Prudence, won't you open up your eyes?-"~
And as she watched them, she couldn't help but think of and imagine a day when she and Gil could work side-by-side together with him obsessing over bugs and her over mammals, both working to conserve their natural habitats and hopefully saving as many as they could from the harmful effects of mankind.
A girl could dream, she thought as she filled her bottle with water and headed out the backdoor toward the bird habitat.
~"Look around round
Look around round round
Look around-"~
She was to exercise three times a week. It started off twice a week and then progressed into three. Her choice of the activities and if she wanted to go to a gym or not. She chose the gym twice a week and running on the beach after a long day. Today had been a long day and she felt like going on a run. The wildlife sanctuary had its own private strip of the beach that stretched about two miles.
As the sun was setting over the Pacific, she put in her headphones and started the music on her iPod before starting off with a fast walk before working her way up to a jog. It helped to channel her anger into something other than verbal or physical attacks, or into drinking. It was a release that wasn't destructive but built her up and made her stronger.
She felt stronger, and not just physically. It felt as if she was finally starting to heal, and she hadn't even realized she'd been wounded. But she had been. She'd been wounded in every relationship she's ever had with men her entire life. And in turn she'd been inflicting that same damage onto herself by letting it happen and then blaming herself.
It wasn't her fault. That had been the mantra Gil had instructed her to recite the week before. It wasn't her fault. She had spoken those words into the mirror as she looked into her eyes but who she saw wasn't the grown woman she'd become but the little girl she had been. She spoke those words to her; she was the one that needed to hear it.
~"Dear Prudence, let me see you smile
Dear Prudence, like a little child-"~
"Treat yourself at least once a week to something you want. A new book, a dessert, a massage, pedicure and/or manicure. Whatever you want." Gil had written in the email.
Tonight, after the run, she wanted a milkshake. A big ass chocolate milkshake, but a healthy one. She had decided to go full vegetarian. It had been something she'd wanted to do for years now but wasn't able to fully commit to. Hank, for one, didn't want to be vegetarian and wanted her to cook him dinner that included steak and burgers despite what she wanted. She had told him that he could still eat meat, but not to force her to cook it for him. He didn't listen or care. Then she stopped eating for a while when he was chasing after her and making her paranoid and so stressed that it caused her to get sick.
Getting a veggie burger and vegan milkshake at a restaurant near her apartment, she went home and ate as she watched a movie on her couch. Then she showered and got ready for bed. Lying down on the bed, she picked up her cell phone and flipped it open and hit the speed dial for Gil's number.
It rang three times before he picked up, saying, "Good evening."
She smiled into the phone at his greeting, "Good morning."
And she heard his smile through the phone, it was in his voice, as he asked, "How was your day?"
"Exhausting, but I made it through. Are you still coming out here this weekend?" she asked, hoping it was a yes.
"Of course."
Most men, and people in relationships, probably had a nightly ritual in long distance relationships that involved nightly phone calls that ended in heavy breathing and orgasms. Gil was no such man. He wanted her to call him every night but not to get off, it was so he could read to her a bedtime story. Her choice of the book. If he was already at work when she called, he would slip away and recite to her from memory a Shakespearean sonnet or a poem, whatever she wanted.
She loved listening to him read to her and even though she had the book, she didn't get her copy of it as she got comfortable in bed, phone to her ear, and closed her eyes. The book she'd chosen was her favorite, Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There, by Lewis Carroll. It was always a fantasy book, nothing too real. Her life was already too real, too sharp and jagged. Reading was her only escape until she was with him.
"You know, I've read all of Lewis Carroll's novels," he told her. "This one is my favorite too."
"What's your favorite chapter?" she asked but had a pretty good idea.
"Chapter three, Looking-Glass Insects."
She smiled as she said, "I knew it."
"Chapter one," he said, "Looking-Glass House."
She listened as he read over the paragraphs, his soft voice full of wonder as he read over the words just as Alice had been in wonder of the world around her. In her mind she could imagine the happenings of the story, seeing the images play out in her mind's eyes.
Then he got to her favorite passage of the chapter, when Alice finally entered into the looking glass world.
"And certainly the glass was beginning to melt away," he spoke into the phone as she started to fall asleep, "just like a bright silvery mist. In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped lightly down into the Looking-glass room. The very first thing she did was to look whether there was a fire in the fireplace, and she was quite pleased to find that there was a real one, blazing away as brightly as the one she had left behind. 'So I shall be as warm here as I was in the old room,' thought Alice: 'warmer, in fact, because there'll be no one here to scold me away from the fire. Oh, what fun it'll be, when they see me through the glass in here, and can't get at me!'"
She was getting tired; his voice easing her into a peaceful state between what was real and what was a dream. Once he was done with the chapter, she heard him ask, "Do you want me to continue-" She yawned into the phone and he said, "Never mind." He was silent for a moment, and then he told her, "Sweet dreams, Sara."
She wanted to tell him that she loved him. The words were right there, on her tongue, but she bit it back as she said, "Have a good day at work."
He hesitated too. "I'll try. Good night," he said before he hung up the phone.
~"The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again-"~
It was Friday; she was at work, sitting at her desk and staring at the screen in front of her. She couldn't concentrate. One more day and Gil would be there for his weekend visit. She could not wait for him to get there. Despite it only being a week, and they talked every night, she missed him. She missed seeing his eyes, and his half-smiles and smirks. Missed his presence next to her and his body against hers. She missed his lips-
~Dear Prudence-"~
She heard her cell phone buzz in her pocket, breaking her out of her day-dreaming. Leaning back in the chair, she checked the text message and frowned. It was from Gil and all it said was "Lunch?" Lunch? She thought in confusion as she heard the door open.
"Hello," Andrew said to the person who appeared in the doorway, "can we help you?"
Looking up, she nearly dropped the phone as she saw Gil standing there.
~"-won't you let me see you smile?-"~
Her face lit up at the sight of him and she jumped up out of the chair and walked over to him. "What are you doing here?" she asked as she threw her arms around him, giving him a hug.
His arms wrapped around her waist as he said, "I talked to the supervisor; he let me leave early."
She smiled as she stepped back and said, "That was very generous of him."
He smirked and said, "Actually, I was relieved of duty. I got into it with the Mayor and he told me to take the weekend off. I told him I already had it scheduled off; so he told me to start early and not come back into work until I submitted a public apology to a friend of his. I went home, slept for about three hours, and drove out here."
Shaking her head at him, she said, "You never were good with office politics."
He looked around as he dropped his hands from around her waist, as if he just realized they were in the company of other people. "Am I interrupting, or are you free for lunch? I haven't eaten anything."
"I'm free," she told him before walking back over to the desk. Seeing everyone looking at her, she said, "Uh, Andrew, Jill, everyone, this is Gil." She watched as he awkwardly waved at everyone as she grabbed her bag and jacket. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she told them, "I'm taking my lunch break. Be back in a few hours."
They all watched as she left the building with a wide grin on her face. She heard barking and saw Edmond in the back of his car, his tail wagging.
"He's missed you too."
She didn't stop smiling until he had her up against her apartment door, his lips on hers as he moved inside her. Her smile had slipped into panting as her need and want built and built until she gasped and screamed out her orgasm; her hands grabbed at his hair as he followed her with a gasping "Fuck," into her neck; his hands digging into her thigh that was wrapped around his waist.
Chuckling at the sound of him cursing, she said, "You should take me out for lunch more often." He hummed into her neck as he gave it a lick and kiss, causing her to sigh in pleasure. Rubbing her hand over his bearded jaw, she brought his face up to hers and gave him a long kiss.
Ever since the incident with Hank, and she decided to be with him even though she knew what he did, it was like she'd unlocked a part of him that had been buried and hidden. It was like a fire had been ignited between them and he'd become more sexual than usual, and affectionate.
He never smacked her, even when she asked him to. He treated her with respect and didn't try to take her when she wasn't in the mood. She could tell him "no" and that she was tired even though it was their weekend together and he didn't demand it from her. Then when she was in the mood, she didn't have to be the one to initiate it anymore. The first time they had sex he didn't like her touching him, but now he wanted her to touch him all the time, to rack her nails over his back and knead his muscles. The sex was more passionate, more physical, and spontaneous.
She had been completely surprised when they'd entered her apartment and he sat the bag of takeout food on the table next to the door before turning around and shoving her against the door. She had wanted him so badly that it hurt and he knew it and gave her exactly what she'd wanted. It was rough, hard and fast, and so good. They could make love later, and they would. It would be slow and delicate; he would take his time and make her come multiple times before he ever thought about himself. He was the best she'd ever had because deep down she knew she loved him and that he loved her.
His deep, lazy kisses finally slowed and he pulled out and eased her down until she was standing on her feet without her knees feeling wobbly. She knew how much he loved kissing, before and during but especially after. He could probably kiss her for hours after sex if she let him.
Letting out a breath, he glanced around and said, "We should, uh, do something-"
"Get cleaned up, yeah."
It was funny how much after sex he was always disoriented and confused. He told her once that when they had sex it was the only time his mind shut down and it took time for it to restart.
She took his hand and led him to the bathroom so they could clean up. Then they finally actually ate the takeout they'd picked up on the way to the apartment.
~"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day-"~
Back at work, she sat at her desk and leaned on her hand as she listened as Gil and Andrew got into a deep conversation about the increasing effects that the changing climate was having on the environment. She couldn't help but just listen, marveling at his knowledge, his thoughts.
When they got into activism, Andrew got extremely animated. He was going on about how this work-for him-was a combination of scientific curiosity, radical zeal, and a spiritual compassion for the world and all life living on it.
Gil smirked slightly as he said, "You sound like you'd be a great admirer of Andrew Harvey's teachings. He described sacred activism as "the product of the union of a profound spiritual and mystical knowledge, understanding, and compassion, peace and energy, with focused, wise, radical action in the world.""
Andrew grinned as he said, "Sounds like someone I need to get to know. What else does Harvey have to say?"
"Well," Gil said as he let out a sigh, "he says a lot. My favorite quote of his is: "All the great warriors of divine love have been forged in the dark night, because that's the only place where you can forge that kind of warrior." Having been through that dark night, I've been looking for someone who can walk through it with me, to remind me of the light when I'm too blind to see it." He turned in the chair and his eyes locked on hers and he smiled softly at her.
"I know that look."
She glanced over at Jill and asked, "What look?"
"The one you have plastered all over your face. It was the same look I had on mine when I first met Andrew. I thought he was the smartest man I've ever met. Then I married him and learned differently. He's an idiot."
She laughed as she asked, "Aren't all men?"
"Yeah. I guess it comes down to finding the right idiot to put up with. It's enduring."
Looking back at Gil, she knew that he was someone she could endure time with, through all the times he proved how smart he was and all the times he proved that he had no clue. "Isn't that what love's all about?"
Jill smiled at her, saying, "So, you do love him."
She smiled and went back to watching, and listening. Yeah, she thought, she did. She's loved him for over a decade, ever since she was eighteen years old. But it wasn't naive love, or puppy love, or infatuation like it had been before in some ways. It was the kind-of love that developed over years of getting to know someone. It had been tested by time, and weathered through the mundane day-to-day, and the moments that seemed too good to be true, and then into the dark where they both have been, only to come out together, stronger, and more in love than before.
A love forged in darkness, she thought. And it was honest and true.
"The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you-"~
He had left before she got off work, saying he would meet her at her apartment. He had a key, she'd given him one when he helped her move. As she walked through the door two things were very clear: one, Gil had cooked dinner, and two, he had been building something. There were long, thin pieces of wood lying on her floor and wire netting and a staple gun, a hammer and a box of nails. She found him out on her balcony along with a butterfly terrarium and potted milkweed plants, and Edmond who was sitting patiently by his side, his tail wagging uncontrollably as she opened the sliding screen door.
There were white, black, and orange caterpillars crawling around inside the bottom of the terrarium, over a pile of leaves and some sticks. "What is going on out here?"
He pointed at the caterpillars as he said, "Danaus plexippus larvae...Monarch caterpillars. In about two weeks they'll be fully grown and they climb up here to the top," he pointed to the mesh wire covering the top of the enclosure, "and attach themselves by using silk and transform into a chrysalis. It'll take 10 days for them to undergo metamorphosis into a butterfly. Then you can let them out and they will fly around for about two to six weeks, mate, eat on the milkweeds and lay their eggs. Then you can take the leaves that their eggs are on and put them back into the terrarium and start the process all over again when the eggs hatch. If the weather's going to be bad, take it inside."
She saw him watching the caterpillars crawl around with a goofy looking smile on his face. "Are you in love?"
Looking up at her in surprise, his eyes drifted off and then he asked, "Are you teasing me?"
"Friendly teasing." She smiled as she walked out onto the balcony and knelt down beside him. "I love it, thank you. Now, are you going to clean up the mess you made in my living room?"
Getting up, he headed back inside and started cleaning up.
They had dinner and she was feeling worn down from the long week. He was also tired, having barely gotten any sleep during the day. So, she offered up a movie night. He got the popcorn as she selected a movie to watch. There were many Gil had never seen, which always surprised her but he had told her that he never really watched television growing up, and hardly went to the movies. Thanks to the advent of cable television, he was watching more but since he was so busy doing other things that it was still the last thing he thought about doing.
"It's usually when I want my brain to stop thinking, or when I'm stuck on a problem, that I watch television."
"Is that why you obsess over the same movies you've seen before. You can turn off your brain?" she asked as she tried to snuggle next to him on the couch once he sat down but his right arm was in the way as he held the bowl of popcorn on his lap.
He grabbed the blanket that was lying over the back of it and pulled it down over her but then dropped his arm back between their bodies. Edmond had jumped up next to her other side and laid down. "Could be why. While my right brain is being mindlessly accessed, my left brain is resting, allowing me to come up with new ideas and solutions."
"You're definitely left-brain dominant," she said as she pressed play on the DVD player.
"Actually, it's proven that the human brain doesn't favor one side over the other. Whether you're performing a logical or creative function, you're receiving input from both sides of your brain. Take learning a language, the left brain is credited with reading language, but the right brain helps you understand context and tone. The left brain handles mathematical equations, but the right brain helps out with comparisons and rough estimates-" he stopped when he saw her look. "What?"
"How about nonverbal cues?"
"The right brain," he said.
"Yeah, you need to work on noticing and understanding that."
He regarded her for a moment, took in her body language, how she was nearly lying on top of him despite the fact they were both sitting up. Adjusting himself, he finally moved his right arm and wrapped it around her shoulders so she could rest against his side. "Better?"
She rested against his side and dug into the popcorn as she said, "Much better."
"What are we watching?"
"The only romantic comedies I tend to like are made pre-70's and starring Jack Lemmon. This one is 'The Apartment', have you seen it?"
He shook his head.
"You'll like it, it's in black-and-white."
"Just because it's not in color, doesn't mean it'll be a good movie. I've seen some bad ones."
By the time it got to the end scene, his face was contemplative.
The scene played across the screen, C.C. Baxter, portrayed by Jack Lemmon, looked at the woman he loved, Fran Kubelik, played by Shirley MacLaine, and told her, "I love you, Miss Kubelik." Fran ignored him as she continued counting the points from the game of gin rummy that'd just played. "Didn't you hear what I said?" Baxter asked. "I absolutely adore you." Fran looked at him as she picked up the playing cards and handed them to him, telling him, "Shut up and deal."
As the movie ended, he said, "I liked it."
She knew he would. After every movie they watched together, if she'd seen it before then she would ask him questions about it. If it was something he'd seen but she hadn't, he would ask her questions. She asked, "Favorite part?"
Without thinking about it he told her, "Baxter making spaghetti using a tennis racket."
She chuckled. She loved that part too. "Uh, favorite quote or quotes? There are many."
He thought about that one and let out a breath of air. She knew if memory was exceptional and that he probably remembered every line spoken in the movie. He finally told her, "When Baxter told Miss Kubelik: "Ya know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe; I mean, shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand, and there you were." Closely followed by," he hesitated a moment, keeping his eyes on the television, before saying, "...I absolutely adore you."
"Those are good ones," she said as he turned to look at her.
"No, I mean," he cupped her face in his hand as he tilted her face up to his. "If Baxter found the courage to say it…" His thumb rubbed over her cheek, her chin and then her bottom lip as he told her, "Miss Sidle, I absolutely adore you."
Her heart clenched at that declaration and she saw the immediate fear in his eyes. That took a lot for him to say, and now he was scared he'd made a mistake. He hadn't. Her heart felt the same way. Closing the gap between them, she kissed him.
~"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?"~
GIL
Las Vegas
After they showered, they stood in his bathroom and he handed her his beard trimmer as he told her, "I want you to trim my beard."
She looked at him in surprise as she took the trimmer in her hand. "I've never done this before."
"I'll guide you through it," he said. "Start with the longest hair length and then we'll bring it down gradually. I've already set the trimmer to its longest setting. All you have to do is trim my beard all over. Go against the direction of hair growth, so downwards, then repeat using the shorter trim settings until...I'm happy with the length."
"And you want me to keep doing this?"
He gave a nod. "It needs to be trimmed weekly, so...preferably every weekend we're together."
She hesitated a moment but he saw her thinking as she gave a nod.
He turned around to face the mirror as he tilted his head back as she turned the trimmer on behind him. Pointing to his temple area he told her, "Top line." Then he pointed to the jaw area, and said, "Lip line." And then at his chin, "Base line. We'll start at the top line."
She was still nervous and he noticed her hands were shaking. "Sara, darling…"
"Yes, Gil," she said as she kept her eyes focused on the side of his face.
"If you mess up, it's okay. It's just hair, it'll grow back. Besides, I trust you."
He saw her smile behind him through the mirror. Her hands finally stopped shaking and he relaxed as he felt the trimmers touch his temple.
~"Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm-"~
Paul McCartney's voice sung out as Oh! Darling by The Beatles blared from the speakers as he sat at the kitchen counter and studied the list of 3 recipes that Sara presented him. In his mind he was remembering what ingredients he had in his house and which ones he would have to go to the store to grab. He was also trying to figure out which one sounded the best. He wanted all of them, having never tried a purely vegetarian meal before.
Since she was only there on the weekends, he told her that on Saturday night she would do the cooking. She would present him with 3 options to choose from. Then on Sundays, like every Sunday, he would present her with 3 choices and would cook for her what she wanted him to.
~"Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm-"~
He took off his glasses and tapped the sheet and said, "The Walnut and Lentil Bolognese. I'll need to go get the walnuts and lentils, but I have everything else." Looking up at her, he saw her breathe a sigh of relief as she smiled. "You didn't think I would try any of them?"
She shrugged, saying, "I wasn't sure. I mean, I know you've made lasagna before without meat, but always with chicken on the side."
He thought about that and said, "I respect the fact that you're a vegetarian. I can eat meat five days a week. You're only here on the weekends." Then, he thought about something he'd been considering for a while as he told her, "How, uh, how about meal planning for me."
She looked shocked. "You want me to plan your meals out?"
"If you haven't noticed, but I know you have, middle age is hitting me pretty hard around the waistband. I'm not going to give up meat all together, but-"
"There's a diet plan called the flexitarian diet. It's a flexible vegetarian, basically, and incorporates meat into a vegetarian diet. It's less strict and great for beginners."
"Okay, sounds like a plan," he said as he stood and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go to the store."
~"Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone-"~
Every decision made could be tested with the "If, Then" statement, or the "If, Then, Else" statement. If the condition or statement is true, then the following logical conclusion is true. If the statement or condition is false, then there was a secondary path to take: the "Else".
That was how the decision making worked in his brain. And how he tested many theories in life. He questioned everything and needed answers. How did he get answers? By experimenting and running situations through the "If, Then, Else" statement.
He had questions still unanswered: could trust be a constant? And, did he actually know how to love? But there had been a new question presented and one he believed he'd already gotten the answer to. Did Sara love him?
He ran the statement over in his head that could prove that to be true: If he trusted Sara, then he loved her, therefore, she also loved him. If he didn't trust her, then he didn't love her, therefore, she didn't love him.
Or:
If Sara loved him then he could trust her completely. If Sara didn't love him, then he couldn't trust her, therefore, he had to leave her.
Statements based on evidence gathered from analyzing their relationship. With each passing day he was gathering more and more information, cause and effect, how she reacted, didn't react, what she said versus what he could read from her.
Was she being honest? Was she lying?
Everything measured and balanced and working toward a conclusion. When he told her that he adored her, he saw honest surprise in her eyes, but also love. There was also a familiar look, as if she felt the same but couldn't say it.
~"Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone-"~
The last time she told a man that she loved him, that man turned out to be a stalker who tried to kill the both of them. He understood her reservation. That was why he was showing her that she had nothing to fear from him. That this relationship was equal, and he respected her, and she could leave. She could say no and he would respect it because he loved her.
He wanted her to be strong in every way, but mostly mentally. She'd been broken for so long, that it would take time for her to heal.
As he worked out the email he would send her the following Monday morning, he thought of Heather's words to him.
"Both dominant and submissive partners have their own roles in the relationship," she told him as they walked around her property as Edmond ran around the desert "yard" chasing after his ball.
"I'm not looking for it to be sexual in nature-"
"It doesn't have to be. Truth is that this type of dynamic can be seen in all aspects of life. The dominant partner protects, leads, and guides the submissive. As I've told you before, you're a natural dominant. The submissive's role is serving the dominant. If not sexually, then in other ways. It's okay to set rules and learn each other's limits and boundaries. Gathering information is very crucial in any relationship, but especially with this kind. And you're practically an expert at gathering information. What's your goal?"
He spotted Edmond picking up his ball in his mouth and ran back over to him with it. Grabbing the ball, he threw it out for him to chase after. "You know my goal, to learn how to be intimate."
"For her?" she specified. "What is your goal for her?"
"Oh, uh...For her to learn her boundaries. I want her to be happy and healthy, and know that she's a strong confident woman and an equal in our relationship."
Heather was smiling at him as she said, "She's a lucky girl to have you, you know that?" He rubbed his head as he felt something rise up in his chest. Embarrassment? He had no idea. She continued on, saying, "A D/s relationship can create a stronger bond. During sessions, clients often experience a release of dopamine and serotonin, the brain's feel-good neurotransmitters. These two chemicals are associated with feelings of happiness, tranquility, joy, self-confidence, emotional well-being and motivation. In addition to all of that, the chemical vasopressin is released, it compels people toward feeling bonded to one another."
"Like our bond," he said as he glanced over at her.
"Exactly. Our relationship is growing stronger, and so will your relationship with Sara. Through this bond, it will improve communication, intimacy, and mental health. It encourages fidelity, not that you'll have any problem remaining faithful. And it'll help Sara's anxiety and psychological stress."
Edmond came trotting back up to him and dropped the ball at his feet. He picked it up and gave her a look as he said, "I've been thinking about learning how to give her a massage."
Heather smiled and gestured back to the house. "Sally's an expert. She used to be a masseuse. I know how you like to test things, so I'll let you pick out the massage oils; they're edible."
He nearly tripped over his dog when she said that. As she laughed at him, they started walking back toward the house as he threw the ball for Edmond out in front of him.
That evening, he instructed Sara to lay down on his bed, on her stomach, pajama top off. She looked at him with curiosity as he opened the nightstand drawer and grabbed the bottle of massage oil he'd picked out. He liked the smell, and how it tasted, and wanted to smell it on her as he kissed and licked her back.
~"When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died-"~
Once she was on his bed, he straddled her hips and squeezed some of the oil in his palm and then rubbed his hands together, warming up the oil. Then, he touched her shoulders, rubbing his palms over her skin, deep into her muscles, as she closed her eyes.
"You know," he said as he continued to massage her back, "The skin is the largest organ of the body with millions of receptors that, when stimulated by human touch, can lower our cortisol levels."
"I did not know that," she said.
"Apparently, when someone touches our skin, whether through hugging, hand-holding, sex, or a massage, we begin to experience physiological and physical healing."
"Is that why you like it when I touch you now, when before you didn't?"
His hands stopped moving over her back as he stared down at her. Yes, that was partly the reason, but not entirely. Again, he was confronted with his questions and the "If, Then, Else" statement of knowing the truth. If they loved one another, then he could trust her with his secrets.
Focusing his thoughts as he refocused his hands on the task he was performing, he told her, "That's part of the reason, yes. Feeling your touch on my skin is...therapeutic. The reason that, uh...The reason it's still hard sometimes, has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the fact that...That, um…" Why was this so hard? He's never voiced it out loud before, that's why. Not even to Heather, but she knew. "You're not the only one who knows what it feels like to have been a victim of abuse," he finally let it out.
Sara stilled at that admission as she looked over her shoulder at him. He met her eyes before going back to his task. He couldn't let himself think too much about it. They could talk about it since she now knew, but it would have to be later.
Right then, he wanted her to forget about her abuse. Leaning forward, he kissed her back, her neck, and shoulders. He wasn't attempting to lead it to anything sexual, he just wanted them to forget about it. To let her know that he was okay. That they were okay.
Then he reapplied more of the massage oil to his palms and got back to working the tension out of her body. "When I'm done, I'd like for you to give me one."
She smiled as she closed her eyes again. "Deal."
~"Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone-"~
Looking around his townhouse, the walls in his living room and the furniture, he remembered how her apartment felt compared to his. Hers was cozy and warm and affectionate. His townhouse was not any of those things. It was also still very much his. There wasn't a trace of her anywhere. The lower level was empty and bare at the moment. He no longer needed it. He had his warehouse. She had her apartment in Los Angeles.
It felt cold, sterile, and impersonal. There were no signs of their relationship.
She was sitting next to him on the couch, legs pulled up under her as she read a book. His laptop was on his lap and Edmond was on the floor, sleeping. "My townhouse is in need of a redecoration."
"Okay."
"I want you to do it."
She sat her book down as she looked over at him.
"Not now," he said as if that was what her look was about. "I like the way your place felt when I was there. It was...like a home. This is, uh...We both live here. I could use some vegetation, new paint color...I still haven't figured out what to do with the bottom floor now that you're not down there, but up here with me." Why was he rambling? Because she had yet to say anything, he answered himself. Looking over at her, he saw her look and he still had no idea what she was thinking. "What'd you think?"
She looked around and said, "It's you."
"Right, but...now it's us." Her eyes landed on his and he realized he said something that caused her to suddenly look as if she wanted to cry. He almost panicked until she smiled.
"Let me think about it and I'll work up some ideas and give them to you to consider."
He gave a nod and picked up his glasses and went back to reading the rough draft of his book he was about to submit to the publisher.
"Gil."
"Yeah." He turned to look at her as the book that had been in her hands landed on the coffee table. She grabbed the laptop and put it next to the book as she straddled his waist.
Leaning down, she kissed him.
~"When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried-"~
After a month of keeping him from going down to the bottom floor, she finally let him. With her hands over his eyes, she steered him around once they got to the bottom step.
"Ready?" she said before she removed her hands, saying, "Ta-da."
She had redecorated the lower floor into an art studio for him. His home office had been a combination of an art studio and office, and had been small, cramped and cluttered. The room that he once used for his subjects now held his dark room to develop his film. The room that had been hers held a couple of workstations and easels along with blank canvases in various sizes. Along a wall were storage racks for paint bottles and brushes and drawers for his pencils, drawing tools, charcoal and graphite powders and blocks, and his sketch pads.
Walking into the room, he looked up and saw the lighting rig that she installed with admiration. She must have done a lot of research into art studios to give him something so precise, and thoughtful. Going over to a file cabinet he saw that she had them labeled for his various styles of papers he used and on one of the workstations there was an adjustable drawing board.
"What'd you think?"
"I feel stupid for not thinking about doing this myself." Turning to face her, he said, "I love it."
"Yeah?" she asked, unsure of his answer.
"Yeah. Now my office can just be used as my office. It's brighter with these lights," he said as he looked up.
"You can change them, depending on what you want, using the dimmer," she showed him on the wall. "They're studio lights," she then told him as she went to the closet and opened it to show him the studio lights. There were several tripod floor lamps and even a green screen.
"I can take pictures," he said in realization and awe. This was the most considerate thing anyone had ever done for him. "I'll go grab my camera," he said as he walked by her. He stopped, turned around, and kissed her. "Thank you."
She smiled.
~"Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm-"~
She started doing things for him without him asking. Every Sunday afternoon, she would awake before him, make them both breakfast or go out and get a pickup order, grab the newspaper off his front steps, and bring it all into the bedroom on a tray. He'd never had breakfast in bed before her and now he couldn't think of a better way to wake up.
She would help him with the crossword as they ate and drank coffee as Edmond laid down at the foot of the bed. Then once they were done, she introduced him to another way to give someone a wakeup call as she went down on him.
"Oh, fuck," he breathed out and leaned his head back, hitting it on the wall, and closed his eyes.
If he had to go into work, then she had all his things gathered for him by the door. She even laid out his clothes for him. He never asked her to do that, but she did it anyway. She also bought him a few new shirts and a new tie for his suit.
"Now you can wear something and think of me."
He pulled on the shirt she'd bought him and buttoned it up and smiled at her words. Giving her a kiss, he went over to the door and grabbed his wallet, keys, and briefcase as he headed for work.
~"When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died-"~
She had that Monday off, so she was still there when he returned that morning. As he walked in, he noticed a few more plants hanging around the room, and on his bookshelf, and one of the walls had a new shade of pale blue on it. She had been experimenting with all kinds of colors over the weeks, trying to find the right one.
Kicking his shoes off, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and took a sip as he looked around and didn't see her anywhere. Her car was still there.
He went down to the first floor and didn't see her, and so he went up the steps to the bedroom and stopped in front of the doorway. She was waiting for him on the bed, in just a robe. He knew that because it was open.
Blinking back, he took a sip of the beer as he walked into the room and then sat it down on the table. "Hi."
She smiled as she grabbed him by the waistband of his pants and pulled him closer to her. "Hi," she said as she undid his belt and zipped down his pants.
Leaning down, he kissed her as he used his body to push her back onto the bed. Her hand was on him, guiding him into her as he moved over body. He grabbed her leg as he entered her and ran his hand up her thigh as she wrapped it around his waist.
She tossed her head back as a moan escaped her lips.
~"Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down-"~
They ended the day back in bed but this time with popcorn and frozen yogurt as he selected a movie to watch. Edmond was on the floor chewing on a new bone that Sara had gotten for him. Picking up the remote, he pressed play as he got comfortable.
"I see you've changed your obsession from Westerns to James Bond," she said as she pulled her legs up and took a bite of the frozen yogurt.
He tossed the remote onto the nightstand, asking, "Who's your favorite Bond?" as he picked up the bowl of popcorn and placed it in his lap.
Edmond jumped up and laid down between them with his bone. He grabbed the bone and tossed it onto the floor, telling him, "Nein. Bones stay on the floor." He looked at him and licked his face before laying his head, eyes staring up at him as he whined.
Sara laughed as she scratched him behind the ears. "Aww, Gil, that's his favorite bone."
He rolled his eyes, saying, "If he didn't tear up every stuffed toy I got him, he could have that on the bed. No bones," he told Edmond again who whined and huffed at him.
"So," he asked again, "favorite Bond?"
"I don't know. I've never seen any of the movies. What about you? Who's your favorite?" she asked as she picked up the bowl and started eating again.
He shrugged as he told her, "I have no preference. I watch for the villains."
She looked over at him as he popped some popcorn into his mouth with a smirk on his face.
~"Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm."~
TBC...
Disclaimer Songs used/mentioned: "Dear Prudence" and "Oh! Darling'" by the Beatles.